The Tricks of Mr Toad!

He was a merry old soul, a delighted child, a young man of life,
Then turned his hopes into dreams, dreams into strife!
Once upon a winter he saw the shining mobile,
Which, alas, he forthwith decided to steal!
He hopped in the seat and tenderly started the ignition,
And the fruits of his trickery came to fruition!
He rode off in his chariot and whooped and hurrahed,
For he was the King of the World, Man of the Car!
He drove round in circles at such a great pace,
The police, catching sight, deigned to give chase!

Meanwhile back at the house, wise old Badger thundered,
Because Ratty (not Mole, for once) had blundered!
Tricked once again by Mr Toad Esquire,
Who had proved himself a first class liar!
As Ratty ummed and ahhed and chased after Toad,
Little did he know, he should’ve checked the road!
Instead he checked the riverbanks, the water around,
But of wily Mr Toad, there was made no sound!
Looking at Mole, who he knew had no inkling…
He suddenly heard the sound of ten sirens twinkling!


Lying on a heap, crashed out in a tree,
Mr Toad was a picture of misery.
He was taken to court and tried thereafter,
And sentenced away to the sound of laughter.
He winced when he heard the judge slam his hammer,
“Twenty years of solitary life in the slammer!”
And now there he sits, alone and shut out,
But you can bet on this thought, no doubt.
If ever a man could escape from this load…
Then that man was clever old Mr Toad!

Ten Other Comics Waiting for an XXX Porn Adaptation

Apparently if you put the words “an xxx porn parody” after something, you aren’t infringing any copyrights whatsoever. That is, according to the porn industry, which has recently made films as diverse as “Seinfeld: An XXX Parody” to “The Office: An XXX Parody” (sadly, no Ricky Gervais cameo) in an attempt to fight back against the evil anonymous force of the internet, which has stolen all their viewers. The most recent properties to be ‘flattered’ with a porn parody have all been comic-books, however, which is odd and interesting and also really weird. There has been a Batman one, a Superman one, and next on the list will be an Incredible Hulk one. Which, that’s a terrifying thought if they’re hoping to put that onto the big screen.

Well, we here at Wilftonville have never been afraid to help an underdog, so we’ve picked out ten other comics we think could make for bestselling porn films. You’re welcome, porn industry! Now, try to stop exploiting and degrading women so often, yeah?

1. Fables

Fables takes all the most well-known fairytale characters and sets them in contemporary New York, living as a community. Characters like Prince Charming, Rapunzel and Pinocchio all live in the same area, with Cinderella running the local shoe shop. Obviously! The series sees the characters try to keep their community safe from the outside world, whilst bickering and getting into scrapes with each other. This isn’t for kids, either – there’s regular violence and swearing. Goldilocks, in particular, has a fierce potty mouth. The series would be great for porn because the main relationship is between Snow White and Bigby Wolf (the Big Bad Wolf, now in human form). The porn industry has forgotten its roots – weirdos. Get a guy to wear a wolf costume, get a girl to put on a princess gown, and watch as the hits rack up from disturbing people who live near zoos and enjoy walking in forests. “Furries” are out there, I’ve read the Wikipedia page about them. Appeal to that market, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time, porn industry!

2. Doctor Doom

Marvel and DC comics have both experimented before with letting their villains take centre stage, with Dark Reign and the One Year Gap respectively. Both times, this proved to be a success, as comic-book fans like the villains just as much (if not more, sometimes) than the heroes. And who is more popular a villain than Doctor Doom? One of the worries with porn is that men will turn off if the male lead looks either too handsome, not handsome enough, or the wrong race (hey, I’m just repeating what the market research said). Doctor Doom wears a mask. PROBLEM SOLVED! The paranoid, bisexual, and racist demographics all sync into perfect harmony!

3. Tamara Drew

Basically already been done, this. Heyyyyyyyyy, Gemma Arterton!

4. The Invisibles

See, the only people who will find this idea funny are people who have read The Invisibles. We’re narrowing down our demographic! Seriously, though, google up images of the team of look them up on Wikipedia. This would make for a terrifying porno.

5. The Flash

See, I’m getting things back on track with a joke everyone can understand. The sex scenes… would not last long.

6. Phonogram

A series set in Britain, Phonogram centres on a re-evaluation of the Brit-Pop scene of the nineties, with a main character who spends several issues trying to work out the appeal of bands like Echobelly and hanging around in clubs where he might meet female Manic Street Preachers fans. If the XXX parody wants to stay close to the original, it’s best that it all be filmed in black and white, and feature a scene in which Damon Albarn looks on in nonchalant disinterest as the reanimated spirit of Britannia gets it on with a coked-up Kenickie fan. We imagine this would be a very popular film with hipsters and readers of The AV Club.

7. Hellboy

Never mind that the three main males are a big red demon, a fish creature, and the ghostly essence of Johann Kraus, and the main female character is unable to control her ability to light herself on fire. I’m sure we could invent some supporting characters who can have sex in-between scenes of Hellboy shooting monsters and chain-smoking.

8. The Walking Dead

Could be gross. Don’t get carried away, scriptwriters.

9. Animal Man

As the film goes on, the main character becomes more and more aware of the fact that he is in a porn film, and eventually tries to escape through the television screen.

10. Anything by Garth Ennis or Mark Millar

Why have an XXX parody where all the sex is consensual?

Life of the Poet

Drawn and co-written by the lovely Fionnuala Doran, here's a cartoon that I think many of us creative types can associate with.

Rejected Dr Who Villains

Although an exceptional font of camp, filled with mad characters, poor sets, odd acting and illogical plot twists, Doctor Who prevailed. Until it was cancelled by a BBC who could no longer handle Sylvester McCoy's insatiable appetite for blood. When the series returned this decade after years of limbo, it was streamlined. The show was sharper, stronger, with less time for idiocy. The villains had to seem powerful and terrifying, and create complex metaphorical allegories which illuminate the way our society attempts to run itself.

But eventually Russell T Davies ran out of ideas and starting throwing any old bollocks at the wall to see how much garbage he could get past the audience. If it weren't for the strength of character possessed by his producers, we would've seen some truly awful creations appearing on our television screen to fight David Tennant. The producers hoped that no website peddling barely-read cultural content to a largely disinterested fanbase of four people would EVER find out about these plans. Well bad luck, producers! Because Wilftonville have found out everything!

For the first time, we can serialise the release of some of the most bizarre creations to ever come from the mind of a human. These are the REJECTED Doctor Who villains...!

#1 Bi-Mop

Bi-Mop is a filthy, noodle-ridden rag which attained sentience after The Doctor's attack on the Daleks radiated a nearby planet filled with kitchen cleaning appliances. Incensed by this enforced life he has been given, the Bi-Mop can grow several extra heads whenever it wants, each of which hates the Doctor but has a different accent. The normal head speaks with a German inflection, while the other heads are Italian, Belgian, Russian, Cuban and Canadian. Bi-Mop LOVES listening to Scissor Sisters and delivering long-winded monologues. He has a computer on which he constantly plays footage of the most prominent news channels on Earth, all of which are hosted by stern African-American women.

Bi-Mop isn't strictly gay, but he does have a boyfriend who is human.

You Monster! Why Joss Whedon Kills.... Kill #11

He Killed Lindsay…!


Who Was He?

Lindsay Surname was a bizarrely long-running character on the show Angel, appearing in the first episode and sporadically returning every few months or so. Whilst a major character for seasons one and two, he vanished for large chunks of time afterwards and only reappeared a few times. Come the final season, however, Lindsay once again became a recurring character, appearing as one of the midway villains before being banished to Hell. Which, that happens quite often in Joss Whedon shows, so there was nothing to suggest that this wouldn’t be the end of the Cowboy Lawyer. Then, as a last-minute surprise, Lindsay returned and was recruited to help the heroes defeat the final villains. His morality switched one last time, and he became a hero for a while.


How Did He Die?

Well, then he got shot. After dispatching his allocated group of villains, he turned round to the one last happy character on the show – Lorne – and decided he was finally going to choose a side, and that side was going to be ‘good’. So then Lorne shot him, mortally wounding the guy and leaving him there to die in the room with all the other villains. Before dying, Lindsay expressed severe surprise that he was being killed by a “flunky” instead of Angel himself, and couldn’t believe that his existence didn’t factor into Angel’s plans whatsoever. Instead of being an important character in Angel’s life-story, Lindsay realised that he would get nothing more than a short footnote in the back of one of the indexes, and would soon be forgotten about entirely.

Lindsay is the first character we’re featuring in this list who was for the most part a villain, and he’s getting this honour for a very specific reason. Read on, fine fellows!


Why Did He Die?

Lindsay’s death occurred in the same episode as Wesley’s death – he was the last major character to die in the series proper. Although, we hear that some strange things have been happening in the comic series, but that’s not important because the comics haven’t been great and we don’t approve of 'canon' jumping across creative mediums. So it wasn’t to make the series finale more dramatic, because we’ve already got the death of a character who the audiences had been familiar with for about five-six years.

Instead, Lindsay’s death came about because Joss Whedon’s vision had become increasingly bleak by this point in time. Sarah Michelle Gellar, his muse for Buffy, had decided to stop doing the show in order to star in a series of unexceptional horror films; while his other show Firefly had just been cancelled after a season full of behind-the-scenes editorialising by idiot executives. Angel was cancelled despite a rise in viewing figures, and Joss was left with no television shows where once he had three simultaneously. In short, Joss’ creativity had been snuffed out for the time being, and he was blocked from doing anything. As a result the final season of Angel became darker and darker as it went along, which made for great television but also meant that the show had no more room for the ideas of lightness, or darkness.

There’s a line in season 4 of Buffy which says something along the lines of “there is no black or white. Only shades of grey.” That became true for much of Joss’ work, and many characters – even Buffy – stopped being a force for good but instead became part of a morally ambiguous universe where anyone can be snuffed out at any moment. Do you start to see the comparison we’re making? The characters represent Joss’ creativity. So as Joss can be stopped by the executives, so the characters can be stopped by Joss. Lindsay’s death did not affect Lindsay – he got a good final line, but it was an afterthought more than anything. The importance of his death was how it affected Lorne. Lorne, the sole remaining positive character after Fred was killed off, had the burden of handling most of the show’s humour for the final few episodes, but instead of being funny for the sake of making people happy, he started to make jokes to mask his own despair.

The act of killing someone – something Lorne had never done before – was shocking, because it marked the final breakdown of one of the most popular characters. In turn, it allowed Joss to showcase his world-view to the audience one last time. There was no black in his show. But then, by the end, there was no white. Even the most wholesome character could be corrupted, and Lorne’s defeat was the most painful moment of the episode. Lindsay’s death did more to help the villains than anything he did while he was alive.


Joss, You Monster! Rating: 9. We’re sorry you lost your shows, Joss! But you could always try to make a film?

Podcast à la mode #2

The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Run By Ben Acker and Ben Blacker

Are you a fan of *listening* to things? Have you ever considered the fun that could come from listening to something which is in turn trying to be *appealing* to you? Then in that case we'll have to suggest that The Thrilling Adventure Hour is the kind of thing which is going to both appeal to you and listen to you. Although it won't listen to you, and you may find it unappealing. Based on a performance show created by the duo of Bens Acker & Blacker (and they say God isn't looking down on all of us, grouping us as he deems entertaining?), this is a new podcast which is still finding feet and legs but, in fact, does not need a new voice. For it already has one.

The central conceit is that of a radio play, the sort of play which people listened to in the 1950s, the sort of play that features fantastical adventures, the sort of fantastical adventures which have pirates and aliens and robots, the sorts of robots that are made of metal. A group of actors are given the script for the play and read it out, making fun of the stereotypes of old-timey music hall. The show is notable for featuring several prominent Californian comedians such as Chris Hardwick and Paul F. Tompkins. Also appearing are many former Buffy The Vampire Slayer cast-members, brought in by recurring players Tom Lenk and Danny Strong. Amber Benson, Nathan Fillion, and Adam Busch have all appeared as performers on the show.


What Happens in This Podcast?

Is this making much sense so far? We expect so! There's only one person here, typing into his computer while eating fish fingers and sobbing. The Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast has only been going proper since January 1st, although there are also several small bitlets which suggest they've spent a fair bit of time working out the kinks of podcasting. Three episodes have been posted so far, all of which focusing on about twenty-minute long comedic stories set in the 1950s style. The podcasters have started with their most well-known stories, which means Paul F Tompkins and... is it Autumn Reeser? Appear in the first episode, in which they play drunk ghost-hunters. The second episode features the legendary Sparks Nevada, a cowboy who lives on Mars. And most recently, episode 3 features a guest appearance from Nathan Fillion.

Each episode fades in and out of the live performance, giving one twenty-minute long skit without any edits in the middle. The podcast is FAMILY FRIENDLY! If you are a family, the podcast will act towards you in a friendly and courteous manner. Everyone else can piss off and eat crap. Only joking! The podcast will not forcibly make you digest your own digested excrement. Oh dear, we've gone onto a difficult tangent here and got lost.


We Recommend This Podcast!

If you listen to this podcast, expect fun songs and silly banter, as well as some great improvisation. This podcast may only be twenty minutes scant, but those twenty minutes are as entertaining as watching Diana Vickers eat a hot sausage.

Should American Heroes Be American?

The list of American heroes is long and filled with people whose names resonate across the very fabric of time and space. From Spider-Man to Green Lantern, from Jack Bauer to House, they are all.... well, you get the idea. None of America's biggest heroes are actually played by Americans. Spider-Man and Batman are British, Green Lantern is Canadian or something, and even President Obama is secretly from Africa (but don't tell anyone). Why are so few Americans being given American parts? Why are they forced to take on roles like Sherlock Holmes if they want to play an iconic role? American jobs for American people! British jobs for British people.

Superman is not American. It's well-known that he comes from the Marlonbrandoverse, a dark place where everyone talks with their mouth full and you can't quite tell what's happening but everyone seems reverential. Well... really he's from outer space, but then again so was Marlon Brando. So the appointment of a British guy as Superman isn't a bad thing at all. The problem here, which fans have not really pointed out yet, is that Clark Kent - Superman's racist alter-ego - *is* American. While Superman presumably speaks like a Mafia don, Clark Kent is designed to be a steretypical human and so bumbles, stumbles, and indeed mumbles his way through life. With an American accent. Superman sounds like an overrated actor, while Clark Kent sounds American. This is how it has always been.

So why haven't the studios cast an American to play Clark Kent? Well, for one thing, the most iconic thing about Superman is how pathetic his disguise is. A single pair of glasses and a tie immediately stop the most recognisable face on the planet from being, well, recognised. If suddenly Superman started to display even a small amount of self-awareness regarding disguising himself, it would be declared out-of-character and comic fans worldwide would stampede. For another thing, American actors should be glad that they're finally starting to escape typecasting.

Spider-Man, Clark Kent - these very American heroes all have one thing in common: they're idiots. Peter Parker spends all his time pining after a woman who is IN LOVE WITH SPIDER-MAN. There's an easy way to reconcile that, Peter, if you just stop and think about it for a few minutes. Likewise, Wolverine is a grumpy bugger with no sense of personal space, while Green Lantern Hal Jordan is a chauvinist. Let's look at these characteristics: loser, misanthrope, misogynistic, paranoid, pessimistic. Are these the characteristics of an American, or of a British person?

Superheroes are a lot like stand-up comedians. While they look awesome when they're performing, they are often broken hollow shells of a person, mental and rabid. Why would any American actor want to do that, when British people have been playing mental and rabid characters FOR YEARS? Alan Rickman should've been Batman. Sean Bean could've been Captain America. Heck, who could be a more perfect Wonder Woman than Helen Mirren? British people have been typecast as villains for too long. It's only fair that now we get to portray dumb, unlikeable, self-serving superheroes like Mr Fantastic.