The Top Of The Charts

There are those of you who believe that the music charts mean nothing anymore. That because everyone steals their music online anyway; nobody buys records or singles anymore, so the chart is based on radio airplay more than anything else. And those people would be right. Nobody cares about which song is number #1 anymore, because it’ll inevitably be whichever musician has been given the biggest push from their record company. There’s no fun in it anymore.

But there is one exception, which happens to be Christmas. The Christmas #1 is still incredibly important, because it’s the one week of the year when almost anything could win. Sure, the X-Factor and countless other reality shows all release their singles for Christmas, so usually one of those wins. But at the same time, there are so many different wild cards in play during Christmas that nothing can be guaranteed. The winning song could be performed by a credible rock band, or a children’s TV show (Tellytubbies, anyone?) And because there is such variety, and so little stability for this week, the BBC have relented.

They’ve given in. Finally, the public have won. Because Top Of The Pops is coming back! At Christmas! It’s only coming back for a special, but this is still rather big news. Top Of The Pops, for our international reader (you know who you are), is a TV institution which was cancelled a while back. It ran down the chart, and featured performances from six or seven of the bands who had done well that week. Although these performances were generally mimed, the show was entertaining Friday-night viewing (wait... when was it on, again?) and the public loved it. And then... they didn’t love it anymore, and it lost viewing figures and got cancelled. The reason? Well, Wilftonville thinks it knows the answer to that one:

Yeah, the presenters. You’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone who actually likes Fearne Cotton as a TV presenter, and her overeager sidekick Reggie Yates isn’t much fun either. Yet they were put in charge of the show during the last few months of its existence, and ran it into the ground. And hey – guess who are back to present this year? Yeah, those two. It’s not on.

What TOTP needs is a guest presenter format, like ‘Have I Got News For You’, so that each week a different celebrity hosts the show, thus making each week’s show different from the week before. Guests hosts can include: Jeremy Clarkson, Michael Palin (yes!), Jimmy Saville, Claudia Winkleman (hey Claudia!) and Terry Wogan. This is what is needed, BBC, if you want to make a success of this franchise again. And make sure that you dump Fearne and Reggie, and put Noddy Holder on the Christmas show instead, because he’s really excellent.

You’ll thank us for this later.

The 100 Greatest TV Show Characters Of All Time (Part 2)

95: Farscape: Aeryn Sun (Claudia Black)
So far every character we’ve met has been comedic, so applause for Aeryn Sun for being the first dramatic character on the list. She was a tough bounty-hunter type person, with a strict sense of morals which quickly dematerialised when she gave up on life in the barracks, and joined the ramshackle crew of Moya. She had no comprehension on humour, which made for great scenes between her and hero John Crichton, who she slowly developed a relationship with. And when it came to fighting: that’s when she shined.

94: Frasier: Martin Crane (John Mahoney)
Back to the comedy, and the first of the Cranes to make the list. Martin was the rough policeman father of Frasier and Niles, which in itself made for a brilliant running joke, as Martin punctured everything the pompous brothers planned with simple common sense and simple way of thinking. He was always the one who kept everything together in the end, fixing up the bungling that Frasier would inevitably do at some point during each episode. His relationship with his boys, who he always wanted to just play baseball and be manly, was touching, but the great thing was that if pressed between choosing his boys or his beloved recliner, you know that he would probably go for the recliner.

93: Marion and Geoff: Keith Barrett (Rob Brydon)
Marion and Geoff’s first series was made up of episodes only ten minutes long, but Brydon packed in more in those ten minutes than many could in half an hour. As Keith, divorced father of two “little smashers”, he was undoubtedly one of the most poignant roles in TV history, as Keith delivered monologues to his camera in which he was often optimistic about the most depressing things. You could see in his eyes that he was slowly dying because his ex-wife (the Marion of the title) wouldn’t let him see his kids. He was always positive about his life, even when everything was bad, and you couldn’t help but root for him throughout; he was easily one of the most likeable characters in recent screen history.

92: Charlie’s Angels: Charlie (John Forsythe)
The only character on the list without a body, Charlie makes this list purely due to the fact that he represents such an incredible mystery. He was never seen onscreen, but he commanded the attention whenever he appeared, as a voice only, through the central control desk. He would brief the angels on what they would have to do, and then he’d go. Simple. But the fact we never saw Charlie means that he was the subject of endless debate – who was he? Why did he have this agency? And that is why he deserves a place in this list, if not for the fact that he brought the world firmly into the age of female perms.

91: Everybody Loves Raymond: Robert Romano (Brad Garrett)
The problem with lead characters is that they have to support the show, and thus are in most of the scenes. The beauty of having supporting characters is that they can often simply walk in and steal the show with a short observation or one-liner. Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond one of the greatest examples of this sort of character in recent TV history, being able to saunter in to the main house whenever he wanted to and steal the show. Perennially seen as the second son in the family, he was jealous and critical of Raymond in a way the viewers only wished they could be. He had such a deep voice that every time he said something that seemed out of character he could get away with it, and he could make simple lines of exposition funny - which is handy, because after a while the show didn't have any actually funny lines left for him to work with.

Who Will Replace Terry?

Terry Wogan has had enough of Eurovision, and you can’t blame the guy. For the past ten years or so he’s sat by and watched as the British entry has failed miserably (with the exception of HAWTNESS Jessica Garlick, who came third), and has had countless attacks aimed at him because he realises, as does most of Britain, that Eurovision is a popularity contest and not based on the music. Actually, it’s probably because he has noticed this that Britain has. And he’s not just a passive bystander, remember. Terry picks and befriends and promotes the entrant each year, appearing on TV shows and doing interviews and doing his best to boost the profile of these bands and singers, only to see them fail. It must be a little heartbreaking, and you could hear at the end of Eurovision this year the despair and aggravation in his voice as he debated whether we should bother with it anymore.

Terry’s better than Eurovision now, and he deserves his break from it, should he choose to pass on the baton. But the Eurovision will remain, and the only question is: who will take over? A lot of people have been pushing Jonathan Ross to do it, because he does everything else so nobody will notice, but that’d be a mistake, as would Jimmy Carr, that other guy who presents TV in Britain. You need someone who isn’t a one-trick pony, who can do more than that. So I’ve compiled a list of people who I think would be great for Eurovision, and I urge you, should you agree with any of them, to form petitions and start chaining yourself to BBC headquarters in order to get your person into the job.

Graham Norton: The cheeky Irishman would be just the ticket for guiding us through the camp joys of Eurovision, and could poke joyous offensive fun at proceedings. He could also, though – and this is the key thing – do so whilst still being in awe of the whole event. It’s tailor-made for his personality.

Mark Radcliffe: The Radio 2 DJ has a wry eye for details, and if anyone would be able to tell us that the Romanian entrant looks like a broken TV set with green mouse ears, it would be him. At the very least, he should take over if Ken Bruce moves over from the Radio 2 programme to the TV broadcast, which is possible.

Rob Brydon: My personal favourite choice. Brydon can do pretty much anything, having an astonishingly wide repertoire. He also has a superb voice for the event, and a wicked sense of humour. He could make fun of something and then pull himself back and tell us off for agreeing with him.

Jools Holland: Imagine the awkwardness of any interview Jools has ever done on his show, but stretched out for three hours or so. Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

Claudia Winkleman: Three hours of listening to the delightful Claudia Winkleman would be fine by me! I love you, Claudia Winkleman.

Ronnie Corbett: The great thing about Ronnie is that he would be reminded of a story by seeing someone from Armenia or something, and would go off on a long-winded joke about things, paying no attention to what is happening on screen, making for a superb night of calming television.

Brian Blessed: Admittedly, I’m pushing it a little here.


Who would you like to see?