Showing posts with label Fabulousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fabulousness. Show all posts

Friday, 11 February 2011

Is it Socially Acceptable to Like Yourself?


Of course, I mean on Facebook. It's socially acceptable to like yourself as a person, although if you wish to possess 'hip' qualities then it's better you skulk around in a dumpster and sing along to Okkervil River songs. If you want to think yourself funny or attractive or intelligent - feel free. This is a free society, and self-delusion is a widely-accepted form of personal repression. The moment you go on Facebook, however (Facebook is a social website where you go to see how the kid who sat opposite you in French is doing in his quest to become chairman of the student support committee for Winchester), things change. If you show any sign of being fond of yourself, people will immediately form a war commission and judge you guilty of smugness.

Why? Why do we still insist on destroying the egos of the smug and tactless? I'll admit to liking myself on many an occasion, as I make a succession of hilarious jokes and snappy one-liners on Facebook. I am endlessly fascinated by my own life, and want to make sure that as many people as possible know the extent to which I am brilliant. To investigate this further, allow me to look upon the faces of reality TV. When we watch X-Factor or Britain's Got Talent, we watch not for the struggle to be the best (most people get bored by the time of the tenth week, when everyone has started to sound alike and the main discussion is "Dannii Minogue: amazing or irritating?") but instead for the opening stages. Watching people find out they are not good at singing or being talented is where most people find their joy in the show. So what if they look sad? Did you hear that attempt at a High C? Classic!

We don't want people to delude themselves. In this age of high-class media prostitution, we require everyone to be brutally honest about their shortcomings. It may be great news that Angelina Jolie is opening up a new care centre in Africa, but did you see 'The Tourist'? Total bomb, dude! We seem to want that every act of brilliance be countered by an acceptance that there were negative side-effects. We can't be happy about someone doing something good, because their clothes clashed while they did it. Instead of celebrating the poor people who are brave enough to go on stage to pursue their dream of becoming a professional self-welder, we laugh at them for being odd or kooky. But...

Being odd and kooky is a marvellous achievement, worthy of extended merit. Facebook has that 'like' button for a reason - to celebrate individuality and silliness. Would you prefer that there was a "While proud of my achievement today, I accept that there were several drawbacks to my success which will affect me in the long-term" button? Do you want everything to conclude with a downbeat tone? Surely it's more amazing that we can say something stupid and be proud of it, aware that we're being idiots but leaving that as a subtext. I applied to be a nuclear advisor a few days ago, a job I will never get because I have no qualifications whatsoever. But it was FUN to do it! And heck, I told everyone on Facebook about my hilarious attitude towards job-hunting, and I liked the bejewelled hell out of it.


To summarise, when I 'like' one of my own posts on Facebook, it is an affirmation that I am not only brilliant, hilarious, handsome and clever... but the most individual kook you ever saw. Basically, I'm the greatest person ever. Feel free to write comments below which confirm this summary. I'll read them at my leisure, before reposting the best ones on Facebook. And 'like' them, of course.

Monday, 15 December 2008

The Top Ten Christmas Films OF ALL TIME

10: It’s A Wonderful Life

Synopsis:

James Stewart is a very nice man he is so nice that everyone else walks all over him and then he gets very depressed because of this so he meets an angel.

Our Take:

We didn’t know much about this film until very recently - it’s always cited as a film that everyone can enjoy, but those sort of films usually end up to be Papist Propaganda that nobody really enjoys. There are films which everyone claims to like, you see, even though they aren’t very good. The Godfather is an example of a film like this. Well put together, well acted, and boring boring boring boring! We were wondering it ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ would be the same, seeing how it’s in black and white and all that, but it turns out that is actually is quite a nice film. Not excellent (the ending peters out), but rather nice indeed. And you don’t even care that it’s in black and white!


9: Gremlins

Synopsis:

A boy gets a pet and he splashes it with water and it gives birth to Gremlins that destroy his town.

Our Take:

We’ve never seen this film, but when you put together a list of anything you need to include at least one thing you’ve never seen but has cult appeal, because then you appeal to a wider demographic. So we’re including Gremlins, because it’s apparently very funny and very anti-Christmas, and including anti-Christmas films is half the point of making a list about Christmas films.


8: A Muppet Christmas Carol

Synopsis:

Michael Caine sees Muppets everywhere he goes and then meets five ghosts who persuade him to stop being so mean all the time.

Our Take:

The best version of A Christmas Carol (although just wait until Thursday…), the Muppets manage to improve the original story by Dickens through their use of mouse puppets. The strangest thing about this film is that the characters – Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo excluded – are all taking it very seriously, for some reason. Miss Piggy and Kermit and Fozzy Bear are all in character instead of being themselves, which is slightly disappointing but still makes for quality entertainment. Add Michael Caine to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a faaaaantastic slice of film magic!


7: A Nightmare Before Christmas

Synopsis:

Halloweentown decides to try celebrating Christmas instead of Halloween despite having no idea what Christmas actually is and then Santa gets kidnapped.

Our Take:

Tim Burton’s animations typically have nothing to do with Tim Burton at all (he didn’t even direct it! What a swizzstick) and so we refuse to put his name in the title. Henry Selick was the director of this particular stop-motion masterpiece, which features a winningly macabre storyline featuring several horror characters like “Jack Skellington” and “Sally”, who is a Frankenstein patchwork woman. And these are the characters we’re meant to (and do) sympathise with. The storyline, which features some terrific set-pieces such as the attempted kidnap of Santa, twists and turns all over the place, and is punctuated by several absolutely ballistic songs (sung by Danny Elfman, yay). It makes for a superb alternative Christmas film.


6: Trading Places

Synopsis:

A rich white man becomes poor and a poor black man becomes rich and it’s all because of two old white rich men so Jamie Lee Curtis gets topless.

Our Take:

Well, there’s some snow in the film, and maybe at one point a Christmas tree? We’ll be honest, this film has about as much Christmas in it as “Groundhog Day” does (when is Groundhog Day, actually? Maybe it is near Christmas.) but we’ll forgive it that because it’s a fun little film that actually makes use of both Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy. Those two are talented, but you wouldn’t know it to look at their film career. In this film, anyway, we have two old men who decide to engage in some social experimentation – like Davina McCall! – and give money to a poor man and bankrupt a rich man, to see how they react. In doing so, they set off a chain-reaction which ends with blackface and gorillas. It’s everything a Christmas movie should be.


5: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Synopsis:

No idea; but it’s awesome.

Our Take:

Just so very, very, awesome. And the Christmas setting means that Michelle Monaghan gets into this outfit:



But her aside, the film also features Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer working together on some sort of detective case. We have the film on DVD, it’s a favourite here at Wilftonville so we’ve watched it several times… we still don’t really get what’s going on. And again, there isn’t that much Christmas in it. Do you feel cheated? We certainly do. To make up for it, we’ll make sure that the top four are all Very Christmassy Indeed.


4: Home Alone 2 Lost In New York

Synopsis:

A small boy takes the wrong plane and ends up in a different country than his family during Christmas and then is chased by two criminals whom he viciously assaults at the end of the movie.

Our Take:

The first film started the trend (shock!) but the second one is unarguably the best of the series, which is now up to something like 6. With that Culkin kid whose name we can’t spell returning, and Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and Catherine O’Hara also in the same film, you know you won’t be going wrong. And this story doesn’t disappoint. Everything is leading up to the point where the two burglars (Pesci and Stern) try to kill off our child hero by entering the building he lives in and snuffing him out, so you could be forgiven for fast forwarding to the last half hour. It’s in watching the various traps unleashed on the villains; which include electrocution, fire, and brick-throwing amongst others; that the film is entertaining. It’s Joe Pesci’s greatest role.


3: Elf

Synopsis:

A boy raised by Santa as an Elf is told that his real dad lives in New York so he goes to New York to meet his dad and is ill-prepared for life in the city.

Our Take:

Will Ferrell was funniest when he was still trying to find a comedic voice for film, and Elf was his breakout role. Hence: funny. He plays the elf of the title, as he heads to New York and tries to reconcile with father James Caan. It’s all very much in the spirit of Christmas, as the film has barely a nasty character in it. The humour is gentle but actually funny (much like Wilftonville itself, of course) and Ferrell’s performance feels earnest and real. Sadly, he’s lost that recently, as all Hollywood comedians must in order to fit in. But the highlight of the film is Zooey Deschanel, who is charming and delightful throughout the whole film, and even gets the chance to sing a few times. Elf is a film anyway can enjoy, fact.


2: Die Hard

Synopsis:

Terrorists take over a building and hold everyone hostage but luckily Bruce Willis is also in the building and he kills them all and it’s also Christmas.

Our Take:

This is a film which every list has to include, because then they can say “oh well remember – it’s set at Christmas!” It’s one of the oldest facts that exist, and everyone knows it. For the sake of consistency, then, we’re going to include it in the list even though it’s not really a Christmas film at all. What it is, however, is a stonking action pie with fist-punching truffles and a side of explosive cream. “Explosive Cream” – if ever there was a good name for a band…
But yes, Die Hard is one of those films which gets better each time it’s watched over, and Bruce Willis has rarely been more out-of-his-depth and superb. Plus he hangs this one German guy, but the German guys survives and comes back at the end and is all “kablammo!” but then this other policeman is like “no way, punk!” and shoots him back. It’s so cool.


1: Jingle All The Way

Synopsis:

A man wants to gets a present for his son to prove that he isn’t a bad father but the toy is sold out across most of the World and he can’t find it anywhere and then he starts getting desperate.


Our Take:

The best Christmas film of all time? Oh Wilftonville, you merry purveyors of sexist gags, you’re having us on surely? This must all be some sort of joke! NO. Jingle All The Way is one of the best films ever made, and Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better as he fights a city for possession of a crappy toy his son wants. The fact they haven’t made the sequel yet is proof enough that Arnie needs to get the hell out of politics and back into movies: it is essential that he gives us more of the Quality Christmas Fun that can only be found when one man needs a Turboman Doll.


Seriously: great film.... or greatest film ever?

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Twelve Vital X-Men Characters You Probably Don't Know

1: Emma Frost

The overwhelming winner of the list is Emma Frost.

Who Is She?

Once upon a time, there was a villain called The White Queen, who used her considerable telepathic powers to cause mayhem within the ranks of the X-Men. Her real name? Emma Frost. The White Queen served as a villain for a long time with the X-Men, alongside her allies in ‘The Hellfire Club’. After this, she opened up a school for mutants which was designed to compete with Xavier, leading to several fights with the X-Men over her teaching practises (she’d bugged the device Xavier used to find new mutants so she could get to them first). However, she really did like teaching her students, which si what made it so devastating when they were all killed during an attack that she wasn’t present for. This was the event which pushed her towards becoming a more heroic character, and she started to help teach mutants alongside the X-Men. Eventually, after another incident happened, she moved away to Magneto’s island (yes, he has an island), called Genosha. And she started teaching there - but history repeated itself, and the entire island was destroyed by sentinel robots, who killed sixteen million mutants in one strike. Frost herself survived the attack, due to a secondary mutation that gave her the ability to transform her skin into diamond. This gave her survivor’s guilt something rotten, although she hid it as well as she could. After this, she transferred to the main academy, to teach there.

Her personality matches her ability to turn into diamond, as she is cold, cruel, and sharp. She spends most of her time sarcastically laughing at anyone she doesn’t like, and is generally an upper-class bitch. However, inside the diamond she’s still human, and these weaknesses eat away at her every day – when you witness your students get killed, it’s liable to weigh on your mind. So, when she moved to Xavier’s academy, her main priority was to make sure that the students wouldn’t be hurt anymore.

Alongside everything else, she also fell in love with Cyclops (yes, him again), much to her despair. However, he reciprocated, and they had an affair behind his wife’s – Jean Grey, fact fans – back. When Jean found out, she was not best pleased, and Emma was preparing to leave the academy once and forever when Magneto attacked, and killed Jean Grey. Cyclops, a widower for the second time, chose to be with Emma, and they took over running the school together. That’s when House of M happened. Most of the students were depowered, and then the Purifier group of religious nutjobs started trying to kill off the depowered kids – blowing up a busload of them in front of Emma’s eyes. She’s really pissed off about this. Seriously.

Did I mention her sense of fashion? She’s easily the most fashionable X-Man character around at the moment, even if her choice of fashion does leave her a little… uh… exposed. This is the sort of thing that she tends to wear. In public. She has no shame:


Why Is She Important?

Emma Frost is the only alpha-female character left on the team. Jean Grey is dead; Storm is married off to another character, and trapped in his book; Kitty is lost in space; Rogue is AWOL, and Psylocke is in a parallel dimension. So really, Emma is the lone female around here, running things all on her own without much help. However, it’s pretty likely that this is the way she likes it. As the dominant female in the books, and as the girlfriend of Cyclops, she’s now taken over the role that Jean Grey had. She appears regularly in three or four different books, and is headmistress of the Xavier Academy. She’s also in the main team of X-Men, which means she gets to appear in the ‘flash’ comic – Astonishing X-Men. She’s been written by Grant Morrison, Joss Whedon, and now Warren Ellis, and is completely crucially vital to everything that the X-Men are doing.

She’s so important now, in fact, that in the new X-Men cartoon to be made – Wolverine and the X-Men – she is one of the main characters, taking the place of Jean Grey. With her villainous past, great selection of pithy one-liners, and revealing choice of clothes, she became a fan-favourite character who got promoted through the ranks incredibly quickly. Now, of course, there is a backlash because she appears so often, but for now and the immediate future, Emma Frost is going to be one of the most important characters to the franchise. And now you know who she is.

To sum her up. As she once said – “I can turn into diamond. I am, by definition, my own best friend.”

Friday, 7 November 2008

Discussing Katy Perry

There’s an argument within the media that if something exists, then it must be offensive to someone. It’s an argument which suggests that when Alec Baldwin shouts at his daughter down a phone, it means he’s actually a closet sexist who hates all women and wishes to eradicate the female race using only a seasoned pimp hand. Obviously that’s not true (the only woman Baldwin hates is Kim Basinger, after all), and the same argument has sprung up to surround poor Katy Perry. Her first two songs both took a loose grasp of homosexual culture and used it as a platform to make her famous. “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed A Girl”, the two songs in question, both feature homosexuality as a topic. In one of the songs she seemingly makes fun of the gays, and in the other she seemingly announces herself as a potential member of their ranks. Because of this, she’s been singled out for abuse by just about everyone.

While some people have pointed out that what Perry is doing is gay-baiting, many more have preferred to take the bait and run off into a little world of criticism, where Perry is a proponent of “schoolyard homophobia” (Glitterati Gossip) and "tired gay stereotypes" (The New Gay). Now obviously Katy should’ve expected a cascade of overly flamboyant criticism – these are the gays we’re talking about, after all – but she’s taken it all in her stride, seemingly. She doesn’t seem to care less, and everywhere you look the girl is running around, falling into cakes, and doing that naughty Myspace pout more times than anyone ever thought feasible.

Why would we choose to defend her? It’s pretty obvious that her songs are somewhat cruel in their use of sexuality to sell records. “I Kissed A Girl” seems to show off positive ideals, until you realise that she’s only kissing girls in order to get attention from her boyfriend. After one listen, we knew this was the case, and we dismissed the song. That was, until we saw the video. More specifically, it was until we saw Perry for the first time. Once we finally saw what the girl looked like, it became very clear that everything Perry was doing was completely legitimate. There is a rule, you see, within the music industry. That rule is very clear.

Fabulousness > Personality Flaws

It’s as simple as that. As long as the performer is absolutely fabulous, she is given a free pass in terms of racism, sexism, homophobia, any kind of prejudice. There are only a few women who are so utterly fabulous that they are legally exempt from being called on their prejudices. Kylie Minogue, obviously, is the very pinnacle of chic, and that’s why she can get away with all those murders she does. This is also why nobody likes Madonna.

You craggy prejudiced bitch.

And Katy Perry IS fabulous. Her album may consist of four good songs and a lot of Pink-esque chaff, and her career may well be predictably short, but as of this moment in time Katy Perry is out there somewhere, even as we speak, and she will be dressed in something spectacular. It’s not a question of being attracted to her. It’s a question of respecting her, and her incredible breasts.

I mean seriously, have you seen them? They’re an astonishing sight to behold. Given the Katy Perry is either twelve years old or thirty years old, the sheer amount of effort the girl has put into making sure her cleavage pops at all times is astounding and deserves applause. Because of the sexual nature of some of her songs (oh, uh, I mean all of them) her record company have cleverly decided that she should probably follow up by flashing the cleavage at anyone who comes within a worldwide distance of her. In her new video for the insanely marvellous ‘Hot N Cold’, Perry has forced herself into the tightest wedding dress imaginable, a dress so tight it could make a vicar renounce himself on the spot. Do you know why? Because the song makes fun of women. “You PMS like a bitch” she spits at her boyfriend, and in doing so she is insulting a good majority of women worldwide (like the gays, women tend to complain about everything. They’re small-minded like that).

The dress is to make up for that. Katy Perry is all trussed up inside that tight wedding dress, looking fabulous, and she can insult women without a care in the world. It is because of Perry’s knowledge of the Fabulousness > Personality Flaws rule that we here at Wilftonville are so eagerly looking forward to the video for her next single after ‘Hot N Cold’, which is called ‘My Love For You Is Like A Black Cripple’.

Shut up! Katy Perry is fabulousness personified.

Monday, 20 October 2008

The Next Messiah

Hey, everyone. This is, uh, God. I was watching from up here where I live, and gosh, but all of you seem to be just so silly at the moment! You are stuck in the middle of all these wars with the strong countries attacking the weak ones, and the weak countries attacking the other weak countries, and then some countries aren’t fighting anyone at all… and they’re being told off for it! But I don’t want to get stuck on that whole ‘war’ issue (could go on for ever!) when there are other things crossing my mind at the moment. But, while I am here – what’s with all that war? Really? Do you have to?

Alright, I’m sorry, I got a little off-point for a minute there. You’re wondering now, why would I ever come back to Earth now and talk to you, when there are literally billions of other planets I have to focus on, being the Almighty and all. The problem is that no other planet that I’m in control of (I’ve all but given up on Tyl, in honesty. I think it’s just better to leave them to it at this point. You can’t win everything!) is annoying me quite so much. Not annoying, as such. I don’t get annoyed, I don’t think. In fact, I don’t think at all – one of the abilities that comes with having created the logic of thought. I just don’t have to think! Makes life much easier. So anyway, can’t really explain any of this, and I don’t mean to be patronising when I say that I can’t explain it – but quite literally, your brain will not understand what it is about Earth that is making me write this now. The part of your brain which you aren’t using is the part that would comprehend this.

Sorry for getting technical. And sorry for apologising all the time! I’ll get to the point, I think, before I start getting myself all tangled up. Basically, I’ve been sending you Messiahs since like forever, and yet you haven’t been paying attention. I’m not going to name any of them, obviously, because that’s not my job. That’s what they’re supposed to do. If I were to go about naming who was a Messiah and who wasn’t, then you’re going to start crowing about whose religion was right and whose wasn’t. I don’t want any of that! So right, let’s get on with the point. I keep getting sidetracked.

Y’know, just so we’re clear on things? There is no correct religion. There are correct beliefs, because if you were to think “oh, God has blue fur” for example, and I do actually have blue fur, then that’s a correct belief you have. If you start having a religion going on there, then what’s that all about? You’re just starting things up based on the beliefs. But facts… you can’t take facts and then create rituals based on them! It’s just…. Oh, how silly and everything. I get confused just trying to think about it. But that’s another diversion. The point, yeah.

So these Messiahs I’ve been sending you. They don’t seem to be getting through! It is so silly! I couldn’t understand what was going on, really I couldn’t. But just recently, it suddenly dawned on me that you aren’t able to converse with tadpoles and ferrets. That’s where I’ve been going wrong all these years! You see, the Messiahs I tend to send down to Earth in order to explain who I am and what I like (meaning of life? Pff! Do what you want, so long as it’s nice! I created life, what kind of meaning do you need?) have thus far been less human than you’d think. Every single parrot in the Southern Hemisphere is aware of what’s going on round here, but because I haven’t sent any humans down in, oh, ages, you all seem to have forgotten. Meanwhile, the crabs are strutting around like they own the place, because I’ve sent them a Messiah. It’s something you’ll have to work round.

I totally have plans for sending another human Messiah at some point in the future! I just haven’t got round to it yet. It takes a lot out of me, you need to realise, and sending one at a time is tiring enough. Sending out multiple Messiahs is just not on the cards right now There’s a queue, too, so when I put you in there, you have to be prepared for the wait. That’s going to happen. So for the moment, nothing’s going to be coming your way. I hope you don’t mind, but even if you do mind nothing’s going to happen.

What I’m saying is… be patient. Or go learn how to speak Kestrel, because that’s what the current Messiah is.

Me Bless,

God.


PS: I used this blog as a way of getting the message across, because I like to support an underdog. Thought you might be wondering about that one!

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Can Unicorns Fly?

We here at Wilftonville – yes, we’ve gone back to calling ourselves a collective – were up all last night. We were literally not tossing or turning at all. We lay on our backs and looked up at the ceiling. But while looking at the ceiling, we all looked right past the ceiling and through to the sky above. We had questions that burned into our mind.

Uh… minds. Our minds. We have a lot to think about all the time, and it’s a tough call to be us. We realise that unicorns exist, but there are certain aspects of the unicorn origin story that we cannot accept. The idea, specifically, the unicorns have their roots in nature. The traditional view of unicorns is as glorified horses, creatures who are shiny and made from glitter and have a single horn on the top of their head. This is what, if you ask the general public, they will tell you to expect of a unicorn. In post-J K Rowling times, they might even go so far as to say that unicorns have blood that can heal all wounds, and if you eat them you become immortal.

Immortals don’t exist. Even highlanders get killed eventually. So firstly, let’s get rid of the idea that Unicorns have magical blood – they don’t. Magical blood? If that existed, then surely it would be impossible to kill a Unicorn and thus find out that their blood is magical and immortal in the first place. Also, the World would be entirely populated by ravenous, thistle-bearing Unicorns by now, who would enslave mankind to accommodate their horsey needs. This idea can be thrown out right now.

Unicorns could very well have some sort of relationship to horses, though, and as we sat in our bed and considered this thought, it honestly seemed quite likely. But there is one thing that irked us – with Unicorns being a step above horses in terms of evolution, why have horses become dominant and Unicorns forced to live in the shadows of society…? This can be answered, eventually. The simple answer is that Unicorns are not similar to horses.

They are horses.

Horses who have undergone plastic surgery in order to accessorise. Glam horses, who wear their fabulousness like an old woman wears their bra – loose. You didn’t need to hear that metaphor, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that was a step too far. Ignore that metaphor. Or simile, depending on which of the two that was. Horses, anywho, seem to have done all of this in order to become special. It’s not that odd or surprising, when you think about it.

This was good. We had confirmed the likelihood that Unicorns could exist in a way that made logical sense to us all, and only a few people dissented and threw up hurdles. This allowed us to continue on to the real meat of what we wanted to work out: could Unicorns fly?

Pegasus can fly, but he is a creature the Greeks made up because they are terrified of the existence of gravity. Still are. And also, the links between Pegasus and horses is harder to settle than that of Unicorns and horses – a horn, yes, but two wings that work? If that was possible, we’d all be flying around together in perfect harmony, blogging from the skies. Besides, plastic surgery didn’t exist then, so shut up. The likely solution to the Unicorn flying problem would be that they can’t, because there is nothing about a horse anatomy that suggests an ability to fly – but then again, there is nothing about a horse anatomy that suggests an ability to steal our hearts, and Unicorns all have that ability. No, the real answer here is that Unicorns can do whatever they want. Because they are Unicorns.

There is nothing logical about the fact that Unicorns can fly, because there is nothing logical about Unicorns in the first place. They are able to fly only because they’re powered by imagination. Much like fairies, who live or die based on the words that humans say (I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies!), Unicorns appear to be quite dependant on what humans think about them. It is because we believe – and by we, Wilftonville means… I – that Unicorns can fly, that they are able to majestically soar across the pink clouds of rainbow town.


Um, so Unicorns can fly. That’s the whole point of today’s 'wacky' post on Wilftonville.

Yes.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Failure Films: Mamma Mia

Mamma Mia!

There are two things which are required to make a musical great. The first, perhaps obviously, is that the songs should be good. The second, and this is less obvious, is that the plot should be memorable in it’s own right. In other words, you should get the story down first before you start writing the songs. Write the film without any songs in it, stand back, and decide if you think it could get made. Then write the songs and put them in-between to make a delicious cinema cake filled with goodness that everyone will love. It’s a simple thing to check out, and films like West Side Story, The Sound Of Music, Fame, they all makes sure that their songs come complete with a story to make them meaningful.

Mamma Mia is about a young girl (played by Amanda Seyfried, who looks disconcertingly like a mermaid) who is preparing for her own wedding on a deserted island somewhere in America. It’s not made clear whereabouts this island is at any point during the film, but she has an American accent so presumably she lives somewhere nearby the ol’ USA. She’s not happy to get married until she finds out who her real father is, because it turns out her ma Donna (Meryl Streep) had her way with three different men in the month she got pregnant, and none of them know about it. So the girl decides that the best way to solve her paternity problem is to send a message to each of the three, inviting them to the wedding, firm in the belief that she’ll be able to work out which one is her father. At the same time, she doesn’t want any of them to see her mother; her mother to see any of them; any of them to work out why she invited them; and she expects them all to turn up on the spur of the moment.

Streep, to her credit, makes her character’s shady past seem entirely likely. Her character is an ex-hippie chick, and the fact she isn’t allowed to play this role during the film is criminal. Instead, the film asks her to play a put-upon mother who is either overbearing or not bearing enough – we’re never told which one we’re expected to think of her as. You get flashes of character, but there’s not much for her to play with. Streep’s not the sort of person you think of for light, frothy roles and this is immediately apparent the first time you see her, as she walks in aimlessly and then wanders off again with nary a hint of fanfare. This grows typical of the movie in general, as she trades off her usual magnetic presence for a lighter touch. This lack of grit or real feeling becomes sorely missed as the movie continues.

Without Streep scene-stealing like she does in The Devil Wears Prada, the film is forced to look elsewhere for the lead role, and we focus on the arrival of the three possible fathers, played by Stellan Skarsgard, Colin Firth, and Pierce Brosnan respectively. The plot of the film requires that each of the three men are equally likely to be the father of Sophie, but we quickly realise that Brosnan is far and away the most important of the three. He is the one whom Meryl looks at most, and thus the only one of the three to get any serious character exposition. Firth is mostly played for laughs, while Skarsgard is miscast and misused in his role, sat in the background almost the entire film as if he wishes he were somewhere else.

As more guests arrive for the wedding, we meet Donna’s old friends Julie Walters and Christine Baranski, who cackle away like they’re having a ball throughout. These two characters are here to bring some sparkle back to Donna’s life, although she’s either happy where she is or desperately unhappy where she is. The film, again, neglects to tell us where to fall with our feelings for Donna. Meanwhile Sophie bumps into the three fathers accidentally, all at once, and panics, sending them to a remote goathouse because she figures it the best place to hide them from her mother., who promptly walks straight into there and meets them. Given this chance to thus kick the plot into gear, the writers then stop doing anything and the film stalls for roughly an hour and a half before any of this is picked up again properly. The characters mope and worry about what will happen when their secret plans are found out, but each time they do, there is no reaction. Nobody gets angry in this movie.

Granted, the idea of a film like this is to provide sparkle and fun, and use the plot as a springboard to muck around. You don’t come to a film based around Abba to see something dramatic, after all. The problem is that As a result, the film attempts to ratchet up tension when there’s nothing going on, and the need for songs slowly gets more and more desperate as a way of filling up time. None of the characters get any development at all during the middle of the film, with songs being used as a way to plug in the gaps instead. We are given the entrance of all the characters, and a setup for what could’ve been a fun film with a strong resemblance to Shakespearian comedies like Much Ado About Nothing (which would’ve been a superb title for this film), and then left while the cast enjoy some karaoke.

A big deal is made of the contrivance that Sophie inadvertently makes each of the three men believe that they are her father, and thus must walk her down the aisle. It provides roughly twenty minutes of underdeveloped drama and songs. When the time comes, though, only Brosnan makes any appearance before the wedding scene, while Firth and Skarsgard are already sat down in the church, apparently oblivious to the promise they made Sophie the night before. The film thrives on such dangling plot developments. A lot is made of the irritation that Sophie’s fiancé feels because of her search for a father, but at the conclusion he just stands there at the church, smiling, because he’s not an important character. It’s another potential story that gets thrown to one side in order to have some songs.

But hey, at least the songs are by some of the strongest songwriters of all time. Benny and Bjorn put together some undeniably powerful songs about a variety of subjects, and some of these fit in perfectly with the type of story the makers are trying to tell – “Slipping Through My Fingers” appears towards the end, as Donna laments her daughter’s leaving home (even though we’ve already been told she isn’t moving anywhere), is well staged and works well. Likewise, when Donna finds the three men she belts out “Mamma Mia”, and it fits like a glove to the situation, and several other songs slip into proceedings effortlessly, with the last hurrah being “Take A Chance On Me”, the introduction of which is one of the first successful stabs of humour that the film achieves.

The strange trend though, is to have the character sing the first verse/chorus on their own, before boosting them with a backing track that renders them inaudible. This could be for a number of reasons, but the most likely one is that Lloyd realised she had a musical filled with actors who can’t sing, and she wanted to distract us from this. Brosnan suffers the most, as he’s given several big numbers to stumble through, including a moody version of “SOS” complete with creepy extras who shout at him as he tries to fix a light-bulb. He sings that one with Streep, during a part of the film which makes no sense to anyone watching for the first time. Mamma Mia is, perhaps, a film which works best on the second viewing. For her part, Streep is a game player, adding froth to an already overflowing film but doing so in a way which tries desperately to add to the film rather than detract. She’s the only performer who you look forward to hearing, here.

Indeed, aside from Streep, Seyfried’s over-cute numbers (the nauseating highlight of the movie is her ‘duet’ with the previously mentioned fiancé of hers, with whom she has no chemistry) and Brosnan’s Irish crackle – a new idea for a breakfast cereal if ever I heard one – you don’t get anyone else performing proper songs. Oh sure, Baranski gets a song in, but her character and side-plot (which comes from nowhere, incidentally) seem to be in the film purely so they can shoe-horn in “Does Your Mother Know”. The two other dads are forced to share their only song “Our Last Summer” with Brosnan, before being forgotten entirely. These songs come in extremely close to one another, with barely time for the actors to breathe before another dancehall number comes in again. There aren’t even any proper dance routines, because the film is set upon making the audience believe that this is all really happening. There are no flash-fantasy sequences or breaks of the fourth wall like in Rocky Horror or Grease, which makes everything very creepy indeed.

Only two songs have any fabulousness in them at all, a crime where Abba is concerned, and those two happen to be the credits sequence version of “Waterloo”, played for laughs, and the somewhat poignant rendition of “Super Trouper”. In these scene, one of only three to have any emotional resonance, we see the old guard of Streep, Baranski and Walters as they reunite their old band for the benefit of Sophie’s hen night. It’s a nice scene, carried off well by the three women as they share a mix of nostalgia, humour, and happiness with their crowd and the outside audience. The song accepts the campness of the situation, unlike the other songs which are aimlessly slotted in around realist moments. As far as the writers are concerned, the plot has either been ignored in favour of more karaoke songs, or pushed aside with no space left because of all the songs. In any case, we get all our conclusions at once, in the final scene.

All three dads, Donna, and Sophie gather at a church as she prepares to marry her fiancé. Midway through, Donna interrupts to finally confess that one of the men is Sophie’s dad, but Sophie admits she knew this because she invited them, and the men all trade shifty glances at each other, before everyone smiles and says “ok then”. It’s then revealed that Colin Firth has now turned gay and Pierce Brosnan is in love with Meryl Streep still (why didn’t they telegraph either of those two?), and Meryl and Pierce get married because Sophie calls off her wedding. Each development is thrown out there with no regard for reality at all, and when Julie Walters seduces Stellan Skasgard with a terrifying song and dance at the reception it speaks more of a desire for the film-makers to have a happy ending than anything else. It makes no sense, because it’s not developed. He should’ve been called Fernando, so then she could’ve sung to him that song earlier in the film, and that pairing would make more sense.

You get the sense that Mamma Mia is more a chance to watch Celebrity Karaoke than a real film, because we have a beginning and an end, but no connection between them and a lot of useless padding in the middle. There’s a gaping hole in the film where an actor should have marched in and taken over the show – like Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago, for example – but instead we get a limp film which is barely lifted by the middling execution of all the songs. For what the film offers, they might as well have just given us longer songs, less bothersome dialogue between Sophie and whoever she’s shrieking at whenever, and more pizzazz and sparkle. More camp factor! Surely that’s what Abba were all about, anyway?


Verdict: Fail.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

You Monster! Why Joss Whedon Kills.... Kill #5

He Killed Off Lilah Morgan!

Who Was She?

We’ve moved onto Angel now, Whedon’s spinoff from Buffy about the eponymous vampire setting up shop in LA. For three seasons it was a dark and fascinating show about redemption, and then for one season it was a depressing show about darkness and people being miserable. Lilah, as a lawyer for the evil demonic law firm “Wolfram and Hart”, was a permanent thorn in the side of the heroes, always throwing litigation in their faces or providing representation for their adversaries – when they weren’t busy trying to turn Angel evil, that is, or attempting to kill off varying members of the team. Lilah was one of two important characters connected to the firm, with the other being the reckless Lindsay, who was actually a dude. Lilah was one of those harsh, cold businesswomen who was obviously terrified on the inside of the world she was stuck in. She tried to make best, but we saw her completely soften as the show went on, so that by series 4 (easily the weakest series the show ever had) she was a meek foil for the other characters to mess around with. She was great fun while she was strong, though.


How Did She Die?

In series 4 a lot of odd character turns happened which didn’t reflect the characters we knew and loved. The chief of these was when Cordelia got possessed by evil and betrayed the entire team for almost half a season, in a storyline which holds the record for having the most rubbish elements any Joss Whedon story has ever had, all in one. Basically, Lilah was with the heroes in a hotel while Angel had been turned evil (it is SO complicated to explain this), and Cordelia bumped into her. Lilah was surprised and was all “oh, hey Cordelia”, and then Cordy stabbed her in the neck with a two-pronged knife, so it looked like she’d been killed by a vampire bite. She died of blood loss.


Why Did She Die?

This is one of the most pointless deaths Joss Whedon ever brought us. Lilah dies so that Angel gets blamed for killing her, but there is barely any recrimination for this. Wesley spends an episode trying to decide if he should lop the head off her corpse in case she comes back to life as a vamp – he does in the end, incidentally – but apart from that there was nothing else going on here. This death could have gone to anyone, and was in no way worthy of the diva fabulousness of Lilah. She was a bitchy queen, but her death signalled the end of all female characters in the show. First was Lilah, then Cordy, then Fred… this was the death which sparked it all off. And you know why Lilah died? It’s because of this diva fabulousness. It’s called “Dazzler Syndrome”, after the X-Men character with a startlingly massive fanbase. When a character is so fabulously bitchy and tremendous in every way, it weighs down. There is only so much you can do before she takes over the show, and you have to put her down, fast, before she becomes the sole reason anyone is interested in the show/comic. Dazzler got sent to another dimension: Lilah got killed. It’s all part of a longer-term plan, you see.


Joss, You Monster! Rating:
3. It was crap, but at least she got the fabulous exit she deserved in the last episode of series 4. Too little too late, really.