Seven Great Places To Hide The Body

So you've made a bit of a mistake. The whore who was in the middle of dumping you suddenly tripped into mid-calibre seven bullets and got them stuck in her upper-right temple, and now her head is scattered across the floor of your breakfast room. Don't panic, man! Recently-released statistics reveal that over 46% of men will at one point have to deal with the trauma of accidentally killing that cheating bitch you thought was ready to settle down and move to the country. So you're not alone!

Wilftonville empathises with your plight. It's not easy to witness slut-brain spatter over the freshly-wallpapered apartment you just moved into and haven't paid off the final rent on. While we can only advise that you pour salt onto any patches of carpet which are soaked in claret, and dap with a wet cloth, we can offer much more advice when it comes to dumping the body. Why should your life have to end because you ended the life of that hooker? Jail is for criminals, not victims of emotional abuse, after all! Here are ten options for where you could smuggle the body, and expect it to never be seen again.


1. Uganda

If you've ever been to Uganda, then 1: I am amazed you made it out alive and 2: you'll have noticed that it is currently a barren landscape filled with the corpses of the poor. If you have a private plane, then it's simplicity itself to pack up the body in a roll of carpet and fly across to the other continent. Nobody will notice the one extra body, lying spreadeagled in a dusty pit of bones and scorch marks.


2. A Wheelie Bin

If you've seen any comedy-crime caper, you'll likely have witnessed a scene in which the protagonist has to throw a body off a bridge, so it lands perfectly onto a passing rubbish-barge sailing underneath. That is a nightmare of timing and precision, so it's far more convenient to simply take the body and stuff it into one of your recycling bins. Although the Government likes to make a song-and-dance about their commitment to the environment, binmen sure as hell don't check the bins to make sure all the papers and glass have been filtered seperately. In this scenario, you'll be relying on this inherent laziness to conceal the body. Nobody should look to see if there is a bloody arm hanging out the top of the bin (although you should attempt to hide this), and you'll be scot-free by the mid-afternoon.


3. Loch Ness

There is a monster living in Loch Ness. There's a relatively small lake and a giant monster. And nobody has managed to take anything other than a small fuzzy photo of it. Even if the monster doesn't eat the body for sustinence or kicks, it's a safe bet that the public won't find the body in that lake.


4. In the Middle of Your Lounge, During a Dinner Party

Dinner parties are an opportunity to show off your rare talent for subversive humour. Any guest heading to a dinner party are expecting a barrage of personality from the moment they come through the door to their final hesitant handshakes after midnight. What a superb chance to show your the new centrepiece of your household - an identical replica of your partner, albeit a replica which has had it's brains forcibly ejected via tiny metal shells. Nobody will think twice about the prop, which looks so lifelike and yet couldn't possibly be. No, of course not, there's no way that you'd be so bold as to kill your partner and then leave her body lying out in the open where everyone could see her.

Reverse psychology plays an important part in this scheme.


5. The Chinese Embassy

It will be difficult to make your way into the Chinese Embassy, which by all accounts has an alarm system on the windows and no other form of security. If you do trip the alarm, agents with guns will arrive within a tensely-plotted minute, so you'll have to be careful. For the most part, however, the poor lighting will keep you safe and hidden. If possible, recruit an internally-tortured MI5 agent who may well have had a former life as a foreign terrorist.


6. A Cannon Inside A Magical Painting of a Water-Spider

You can angle one of the cannons in Wet Dry World so Mario bounces off the invisible border around the edge of the level, hits the ground, and slides back into the cannon. This creates an endless loop of cannon-based Mario corpse shooting. Apply this principle to your deceased ex, and watch as hilarity ensues!


7. Inside Chris Langham's Career

We don't mean to be rude. But nobody would ever find it here.

Gorillas

The most famous gorilla of all time is King Kong, a gorilla who became horribly large and gigantic for unexplained reasons and went on a rampage through New York during the 40’s, before climbing up the Empire State Building, getting shot, and falling to his death. The papers hushed it up, although reports appear to confirm that Naomi Watts was devastated by these events. Although most other gorillas are not the size of Kong, the notion that they are virtually indestructible killing machines has lasted, in a rare case of public hysteria being completely justified.

What exactly should we be doing to protect ourselves from gorillas, though? Are they truly dangerous to us poor humans? Well in honesty, we’re pretty safe in our British homes, because gorillas only live in Africa. No other country in the world. Only Africa. The mere fact that they live in Africa is a blessing, because if gorillas were to have been an Australian species, they’d have tentacles and poison stingers and all that crazy stuff the animals have over there. And it’s bad enough as it is.

Gorillas are one of the four brightest animals on the planet (the other three being humans, elephants, and dolphins, respectively). As such, they know tactics for assault, and have been know to use weapons when they’re feeling threatened as a way of putting off would-be attackers. I couldn’t find out what these weapons were, but the likelihood is that they were guns of some sort. The need for weapons is small, however, when gorillas have such a deadly arsenal of attacks available to them naturally. Have you ever looked at a gorilla arm? Aside from being velvety and hairy, the only thing that makes them different from a human arm is the fact that every single gorilla arm has giant muscles on it. Humans can have muscles, large and abnormal ones which are off-putting and gross, but the majority do not have such things. All gorillas have large muscles. It is with them that they are able to climb trees. Although unable to swing on all but the heaviest of trees, gorillas have a tendency to climb quite often, picking up fruit to eat as they go, and this constant movement means that their arms are incredibly strong. Impressively so. A gorilla could easily rip off your own arm and beat you to death with the soggy end, if it so wished. All we have in comparison are our overworked index fingers from all the typing we do on computers and the like. Unless you find a gorilla who dies after being administered with a vicious poke, you won’t be able to fight one in direct contact.

That’s assuming the gorilla fights in a controlled manner, waiting and trading blows with you. In reality, a gorilla can go feral when it attacks, thus making it completely unpredictable. It will leap at you and use it’s teeth and hands as it attacks, which can pummel you or scratch at you; whatever they do with their hands it is unlikely to be pleasant. These aren’t ferocious hookers we’re talking about here (who, when attacked, have a 14% chance of trying to make passionate love to their attacker. It’s science), gorillas are out for your blood! Not that hookers wouldn’t be out for your blood, but… let’s move on. This is a contentious subject, and not enough research has been made into the reactions of a hooker in different circumstances, and this isn’t “bear vs hooker”, it’s “bear vs gorilla”. Sometimes though, it can be hard to tell the difference.

If you are attacked by a gorilla, drop your gun. Gorillas know what a weapon is and what it is used for, so if you drop your gun they will know you don’t want to hurt them, or are a coward. Of course, a Real Man would shoot the gorilla, but that would actually be mostly illegal, as they are an endangered species. Most gorillas will back down if they can tell you are a wimp, so feel free to crouch down onto your hands and knees and start begging – even better, get into a foetal position. Only a real bastard would attack someone in a foetal position. Someone like Biff from ‘Back to the Future’, for example. One of the best ways to keep yourself from being attacked by a gorilla is to stay on the other side of the cage when you meet them at the zoo. They look furry, and the cuddly toys are adorable, but if you get into a gorilla cage you are asking for it, really.

So gorillas are obviously quite a threat. They are smart as well as violent, and they could rip your from limb to limb in a heartbeat. Their weak spot is their smartness. You can play on the fact they have emotions to blackmail them, if you are smart enough, Try holding their mate at gunpoint whilst issuing short, simple directions, to see how they respond. Nobody’s ever tried that before, but it could be the best idea ever.

My Beef With Robert Mugabe

Last week I was feeling outspoken, and controversial, so I decided to take a stand against something. After searching the news for a cause I could get behind, I landed on a story about Robert Mugabe’s refusal to accept he had lost the Zimbabwe national election. Inspired into action, I went immediately to my Facebook page and changed my status to:

“Steve would be more than happy to steal Zimbabwe from Mugabe. Hell, I couldn't screw that place up anymore than he did, can I? I challenge you to a fistfight, Mugabe!”

Little did I realise what I was beginning.


Within a few hours of putting this status up, I found that a group had been created in support of my challenge against Mugabe, titled “I bet I can find 1 person who wants to see Steve fight Robert Mugabe”. Within mere days, this group has attracted fifteen members, all of whom previously knew me and wanted to see me achieve my goal of fighting the Zimbabwean leader on a global stage. I didn’t have any specifics down for where, when, and how the fight would take place, all I knew was that at some point in my future, I wanted to take on that man and see if I could succeed where politics and violence had failed before me.

Mugabe has still not responded to my challenge, despite the tens of supporters I have backing me, and I presume this is because he is too busy being a coward and sticking with politics. Strangely, after weeks of speculation that he had lost the elections handsomely, Mugabe now seems to be winning, a feat that many call out as blatant rigging of the results. Now I don’t know much about politics – my specialisation lies within the realm of bare knuckle boxing – but I agree. It seems like Mugabe is rushing his claim to the leadership of Zimbabwe, and I think I know why. He’s seen my challenge, and he’s worried. This entire thing is clearly a reaction to my offer of a fight, whereby he is trying to cement his position as President before I can get over there and take it from him.

I wasn’t entirely sure if this was true, so I had a talk with Nelson Mandela about what could possibly be motivating Mugabe. He was at a fund-raiser doing his best to save the world (sure, like THAT is ever going to happen) and I sidled over to him. “Hey N-Dogg,” I said, utilising the black lexicon that I’ve developed after countless hours of watching Chris Rock stand-up shows. “What up?”
“I do not know” he told me. “What is up with you?”
I turned to face him. “Listen, I need a straight-up answer from you, y’feel me? I need to know; what’s up wit that Mugabe foo?” (This was a term I had learnt from watching the A-Team, which features a black member on the team).
He looked at me, sighed, and put a hand on my shoulder in reassurance. “Trust me, you do not want a part of that shit. He would straight up murder your ass,” he told me wisely, sighing again before walking off in disconsolation.

Undeterred by this warning from the wisest man on the planet, I posted a message on the wall of the facebook group, calling out Mugabe again. I told him that if he didn’t accept my challenge of a boxing fight, then that would make him a gay – a ruse, I was sure, that would finally stir the old python out of his snake-nest. No such dice. Mugabe has remained as quiet and terrified about the prospect of fighting me as ever, and has advanced his claim on Zimbabwe further since I issued this second challenge.

Obviously I seem to be having a profound affect on the way Mugabe is running his campaign. The more I dare him to fight me, the tighter he holds onto the last desperate part of his Presidency. Now as a lover of the black man, it pains me to see this man getting them down. They’ve had enough of this in the past, and they certainly don’t need any more of it now, just because I want to fight a 70-ish year old in a gladiatorial arena, without the use of weapons. So I’m going to compromise. We don’t need to have the arena, Mugabe. In fact, I’ll let you pick whatever location you want for our fight. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m certain that I’ll be able to whupp you all over any battleground.

So come on, be reasonable. I’m trying to make this easier on you, Rob! Just give me a location, and we’ll get this over with, and I won’t call you a homo anymore.

The Five Best Moments From Sports Relief 2008

Every two years now we have Sports Relief, a charity that raises countless amounts of money for people who are suffering around the World, from aid agencies in Africa to more local causes which help kids deal with bullying, diseases, other injustices they suffer in their lives. And it manages to do this despite having a godwaful entertainment line-up and highly questionable central concept.
With Sports Relief, the PTB decided that what the general public would really respond to is being lectured for hours on end by millionaire footballers about how “every penny counts” when children are suffering, and hearing repeated implications that because we have yet to give a tenner to charity we are somehow inferior human beings and will in all likelihood be sent to hell for our sins. The producers make up for this irritating idea (seriously, if all footballers cut their wages in half, we could fund so much more stuff for the needy, etc…) by giving us slightly entertaining TV for one night. I say slightly, but we hear at IEF in honesty found the whole night, except for the inspired Top Gear section, to be enervating and depressingly uninspired. Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice (how downbeat was that!), that bit where Chris Moyles was on a treadmill – that’s not entertainment, it’s just dull. But despite all of this blandness, there were five moment that stood out from everything else and made the whole thing almost worthwhile.
Although £19 mil in the bank does sound like a reasonable excuse as well.


1: Darren Gough’s Face
For the past few years, perennial goon Darren Gough has been untouchable on Strictly Come Dancing, winning whenever he’s in the competition and proving to be untouchable even by the talents of such acts as Mark Rampracash and that rugby bloke (you know the one – he’s the only one who doesn’t take it too seriously). This fact, combined with the smug smile Goughy had on his face all evening, made it all the sweeter when he actually lost. His face turned to hatred, fury, and grief for one brief, wonderful second, before his forced smile began, a smile which lasted for a good five minutes while he stood in the background and pretended not to want to burn down the BBC Centre. Tremendous.

2: Top Gear’s Newspapers
This is just a little moment from what was undoubtedly the most glorious part of the evening, when the Top Gear presenters systematically destroyed Steve Redgrave’s garden while he was out. Did you notice, when James May and Jeremy Clarkson drove in to the lot, the newspapers both had folded against the dashboard? Clarkson obviously had the splashy and sensationalistic Sun, whilst the quiet, reserved, and possibly very bitter about the immigrants May had a Telegraph up there. A small moment, but a classy one.

3: Annie Lennox Goes Off On One
After giving a short but clever and thought-provoking speech to the nation after we watched her heartbreaking documentary about children in Africa, Lennox then performed a song for all. Claudia Winkleman came over to thank her, only to be caught out by another long, incoherent and patronising lecture from Lennox, which blamed the entirety of Britain for not saving Africa single-handedly. Her eyes grew wide and smoke began to build up as the Lennox got mental on live TV, and nobody could stop her.

4: Lemar Starts Making Sense
Lemar fought a boxing match against the wee young nipper from GMTV, and got punched several times in the face, itself a joy to behold. The best thing was though, that afterwards when being interviewed, he actually made sense. Everyone knows that Lemar is the worst interviewee ever, being as he is completely indecipherable as a person, but it appears the frequent blows to the head may well have damaged his brain and turned him into an avid linguist. I look forward to hearing him expound some theories on Freud’s dream theory in one of his next songs, dropping some unilateral ego analysis in yo’ face.

5: Claudia Winkleman
When all around you are Patrick Kielty, you need to be likeable or the show’s going to go down the pan. And luckily for us all, Claudia Winkleman was on hand to distract us from Kielty’s mugging with some actual presenting. She’s funny and kooky yes, but she was the only presenter the whole night who didn’t feel like she was forcing it when she asked for money. For that, we salute ye, Winkleman. She’s one of the best presenters there is, and hopefully people are starting to notice this – she’s funny, clever, quick-witted and pretty darned hot too, wethinks. And she pretended to punch Paddy Kielty not once but twice! Oh Winks, if only ye were single…

One Bonus One: The Humpty Dance
Towards the end of the night, when they are desperate for things to put on, a dance act came and did some very well choreographed routines. I don’t have time for these sort of things though, so I put on Digital Underground’s hip-hop classic ‘The Humpty Dance’ on full-blast, and watched in delight as the troupe danced along in time to it. Highlights from the dance included when the lead dancer sang “in a 69 my nose will tickle your rear” whilst we saw an image of a woman trying to do the splits, and the way the line “I once got busy in a burger king bathroom” coincided with all the men simultaneously doing the splits. They... did the splits a lot during that routine.

Peace and humptiness forever, y’all.

Terrible Diseases We Can Already Prevent

There are many horrific illnesses in the World which are contracted seemingly at random and kill millions of people a year, but the very most terrible thing is that for quite a few of them, we already have a cure prepared. Yes folks, if you were wondering how Illicitly Eating Flowers could get any more offensive, now we’re going to target people with terminal disease. Please don’t read this blog.


1: AIDS

Especially in Africa – as if they haven’t already got enough on their plates what with all them genocides and racist murders and civil wars and third-world debt and that – AIDS kills millions. First you get HIV, and AIDS gets you too. It’s not good, it’s really not. You can pass it on to other people through intimate contact (SEX) or through swapping blood with someone who is already infected. Really, it’d be nice if people didn’t do that anyway, even with people who aren’t infected. That’s yucky.


The Cure:

Condoms! Yes, wear a damn condom! Sure they look like that creepy tubeworm House pulled out of someone on that one episode which was especially disgusting, but they stop you getting fatal diseases! Also, did you ever get those lectures at school where they’d show you pictures of diseased body parts that owed their existence due to their owners having unprotected sex? After seeing those, why would anyone then choose not to use a condom? It stops your bits falling off! So if you don’t want to get AIDS, this is pretty much the best thing to do. We can’t cure the whole HIV/AIDS thing yet, but we can sure as hell stop you from getting it in the first place!

Also: avoid sharing syringes with tramps. Sure, it seems a good idea at the time… but it tends to backfire. No pun intended. (sorry)

Why Bono Should Be Stopped

In continuing the recurring theme on this blog about what people can do to help the Environment, allow me to make a quick suggestion for you all. This is an idea given to me by a noble man called Simon Readman, who is an intense environmentalist, as well as dashingly good looking and single (if you want his phone number, ladies, leave a comment below). His idea is swift, simple, and startlingly obvious when you think about it: we must eliminate Bono.

I want to make it clear that I do not make this statement lightly, nor is it in any way based on the fact that I don’t like U2 and Bono’s tendency to wear sunglasses all the time makes me uncomfortable because I never know where he is looking. No, this is for the benefit of the Environment, so it is. The human race is expanding rapidly, all the time, because of all the sex people are always having (seriously – get a room, human race), and most of them currently live in poverty. Bono wants to stop this. He wants to ‘help’ Africa by giving them money to develop schools and factories and all manner of buildings. If everything goes according to the plucky Irishman’s plan, eventually the country will have enough infrastructure to support itself.

Sounds nice, until you realise that once Africa is self-reliant, they’ll start wanting to produce electricity, and this is going to mean more fossil fuels being burnt up and possibly even some nuclear power-plants. Hopefully you see what I’m driving at; by helping Africa, Bono will inadvertently help the Greenhouse Gases win. Africa will become a happy country up until the point it gets burnt to a smoky crisp by the Sun. Do we really want this? Global Warming is proving darned tricky to prevent as it is, and if we allow Africa to start building factories and machinery and all those things that help a country have an economy, it’ll only speed up the time it takes for the Sun to destroy us all.

So Bono must be stopped. We’re going to have to sacrifice Africa to save the World, but (speaking as a European) I’m not too upset about that. Rather them than me, I say.