Ten People You Must Never Play Hide And Seek With

1: Bono.
He started trying to find what he was looking for way back in 1987, and still hasn’t found it. He would be rubbish at Hide and Seek.

2: Barrack Obama.
It has been heavily suggested for the past few months that he is some sort of Messiah figure sent down to save us all from evil. However, further evidence would seem to suggest that Barrack Obama is actually Superman, and as such he would have the power to fly, thus saving him from the effort of having to physically search for you. Failing this, he would also have X-Ray vision, so trying to hide from him would prove futile.

3: Rupert Murdoch.
Why would you want to find him? If he goes into hiding, surely it will be to the benefit of our society.

4: Elvis.
Because he is dead, and will thusly be a poor player of the game.

5: Harry Houdini.
Do you have a friend who, when you play Hide and Seek, goes somewhere that nobody else can, so they are always last to be found? Say for example, they climb a really high tree, or know a secret gap in a fence they can crawl through so nobody else has any chance at all in following them, and finding them? Imagine if you will that you are chasing after someone who can survive being buried alive. You’ve got no chance.

6: Osama Bin Laden.
Guy’s a pro.

7: Hayden Christianson.
If you play the game indoors, you’ll be fine. However, if you go anywhere where there are trees present, then your game will be ruined by the way he wins all the time. There is, however, a trick to working out where he is, which is exclusive for all readers of Wilftonville: he will be the most wooden of all the trees you see.

8: Estelle.
No matter how well she tries to hide, you’ll be able to find her within seconds each time you play. This is because everywhere Estelle goes, she is followed by John Legend and Kanye West, whose inability to shut up for more than a minute at a time will prove devastating in a game of hide and seek.

9: Derren Brown.
He strikes me as a cheat. The moment you aren’t looking, he’ll fill the room with suggestive cards and phrases, and you’ll start crying because you think a monster is climbing all over your back. Or you’ll forget where you live. Most likely, he’ll make you believe that you are wildly in love with Derren Brown, which is not the way you would want a game of Hide and Seek to end.

10: Salvador Dali.
Never challenge a surrealist.

18 Things To Try During Bonfire Night

1: Rocket Russian Roulette

2: Fancy dress costumes of Guy Fawkes post-execution

3: Cellotaping fireworks together

4: Revolution

5: An incendiary fetish

6: Baking drugs into parkin cake

7: Sparkler lightsabre battles

8: Making jokes outside Andrew Sachs house about where the loud bangs are coming from

9: Visiting the zoo

10: Burning peasants

11: Throwing plastics onto a public bonfire

12: Writing lewd letters to Katie Melua

13: An elaborate sacrifice to the great Lord Ra

14: Attaching a Catherine wheel to your hat

15: Standing in a hospital reception while laughing at all the injured people who arrive

16: Re-enactments of The Towering Inferno

17: Hiding in unlit bonfires

18: Begging whilst dressed as a burn victim

A Wilftonville Q&A

As you’ll remember, last week I invited anyone who reads this site to send me in some questions to answer, so we could have a Q&A session of sorts today. The questions I received, of which there were many, ranged far and wide on a number of different topics, although most of those topics were the same one. In fact, now I look at the questions you sent in, it appears that most of them were all centred around the same topic: animals.

But I like animals - apart from stoats - so there’s no worries. Hopefully, once you’ve read this entry, you’ll never feel the need to know anything about me ever again! Or you’ll continue to never feel the need to know anything about me. One or the other.

Your Questions:

Zebras: Scary?

Your question reminds me somewhat of the old saying that is generally attributed to Rudyard Kipling, “Four things greater than all things are, — Women and Horses and Power and War”, taken from The Ballad Of The King’s Jest. I think what Kipling was trying to stress is the essential futility in attempting to establish oneself as a true person, when the dogs of war and power serve to corrupt each of us, and the strength of passion shared between a man and a woman is self-seeking, regardless. That the fourth of his collection of ubiquitous vessels was the humble horse may at first seem purposefully confusing and graceless, until one looks further into the definition to seek a clarity. Every man who rides into battle requires a horse to carry him, which makes the animal perhaps the most important on any battlefield. Whilst a pigeon carries a message of hope or despair, a horse carries that most important of things: a human soul.

It is in entrusting ourselves to nature that we can feel the real essence of power, for the kinship between man and nature is a tenuous one at best. Whilst an animal may be loyal to its owner, there is nothing to define the officiousness of the owner. When taking nature by the hand, first check that your hand is your own, and not guided by foreign suspicion. The answer to your question, I believe, is that the nature of a zebra depends upon the nature of the owner.


Pumas: Misguided?

I don’t think that’s really the right question to ask, given the situation. Having been a traveller of many different countries, I can safely tell you that getting into the mindset of a puma is much akin to picking up a judo stick and charging at Jet Li. No matter your reason, you are going to leapt upon and destroyed.

Given the impossibilities of mindreading inhuman animals at this stage, the best way to ascertain the mindset of the puma is to watch the documentaries of that intrepid explorer David Attenborough. At some point I believe he made a series which focused exclusively on the life of the general puma, and his conclusions will doubtless make for a fascinating and entertaining hour-long diversion from the travails of life. However, I am aware of the fact that you wish to hear about my specific opinions, as opposed to those of a beloved English treasure, and so I’ll offer you my analysis: it appears to me that the puma is clearly an animal of instinct, whose main ambition in life is based around survival. In this respect, the puma is anything but misguided. If it were to drop this wish for survival, the species would be rendered extinct within decades. And so, I can only conclude that the puma is a wary animal, and fully motivated and conscious of the cognitive process.


Rhinos: Delicious?

I feel that I must at this point guide you towards a poem by the unimaginable wit that is Michael Dugan:

Rhinoceros Stew

Rhinoceros stew
Tastes like glue,
While giraffe casserole
Sticks to the bowl.
An emu roast
Tastes like burnt toast
While the pelican fried
Turns the inside.
But none of this feed
Encourages greed.


I trust that this answers your question.


Llamas: Airborne?

I’ve drawn you a picture.

I Will Be Friends With You, Big Oil

There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?

This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.

Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”

In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.

Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.

Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .




It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.

In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.

Lexy Clinton, The Ever-Hopeful Actress

Letter To Justin Chadwick RE: "The Other Boleyn Girl"


Dear Mr Chadwick,

My name is Lexy Clinton. I am an actress from Devendeck in England, UK. I believe I have something I can bring to your new film, ‘The Other Boleyn Girl’, which is set to start filming in a few months time. I have long held a deep interest in all things historical, and when I was a child I was fascinated by the Tudors. My teachers used to say they couldn’t teach me anything unless Henry VIII was involved somehow! Of all the Kings and Queens of that age, however, I found Anne Boleyn, Henry’s second wife, to be by far the most interesting. So when I saw you were making a film about her, I knew that I had to be a part of it somehow!
I received a copy of the script from my agent, and to my great surprise I noticed that nobody had yet filled the role of “Young Anne”. As a woman who has spent half her life researching the Tudors, I believe that I am uniquely placed to play this role for you. I understand and feel for the character, and I already have the English accent sorted out!
My resume may look rather bare, but this is entirely due to the fact that I feel the need to research each role I take, so I can fully understand every aspect of how that character thinks, moves, and feels. For example, when I played the role of “Meteorologist” in a series of short commercials for a UK airline, I spent several months preparing to find out exactly how one goes about doing such a job with several experts. It must have paid off too, for the director told me that the advert helped increase revenue by .24%!
So Mr Chadwick, when you go casting the role of “Young Anne” in your film, I hope that my name will be one of the first you turn to when it comes to auditioning. I have the skills and background information to really sell this film to the general public, and I look forward to working with you.

Yours sincerely,

Lexy Clinton.
[March 1st 2006]



Dear Ms Clinton,

I am sorry, but the role of “Young Anne” is unsuitable for your talents, as prestigious as you say they are. Sadly, you are too old for the role, as we are looking for a girl between eight and twelve to play the part of Anne as a child. We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours.

Yours,

Marianne Thimberly.

[April 2006]

The Stoat: Factfile!

Animal: The Stoat.
Family: Mammal
Latin Name: Weaselus Impersonatus
Native To: Europe, America, Asia, Africa.... anywhere that isn't Australia.
Origin: The first stoat was born in 1992, to coincide with the TV adaptation of "The Animals Of Farthing Wood". The show producers, aware of public perception of weasels as 'untrustworthy things', commissioned a new, similar animal to be created so they could still have a character who looked like a weasel in their show. This animal turned out to be the stoat.
Powers: The stoat is a strong swimmer and climber, and possesses the ability to create duplicates of itself. Should it ever be threatened, the animal is able to stamp down with one of its feet and create a duplicate version of itself, which emerges from the body of the original. If the duplicate is killed or the stoat grows tired of it, it can be reabsorbed into the original animal, who will retain the memories and skills the duplicate may have developed during existence. It is unknown how many duplicates one stoat can create, although the highest ever recorded was eight.
Danger Rating: 3. Could you you a sharp nip or a vicious scratch if you piss it off; will team up against animals perceived as threats.
Critical Reception: Negligable

Why America Should War With Mongolia

My personal stance on war is: it should only ever be against parasitic alien bugs. No fighting between humans should be allowed, because if we’re ever invaded by aforementioned alien monsters, we’ll need to team up to kill them all off. But yet, in this specific instance, I feel we should allow America just this one little war.

You see, America have never properly won a war, in my opinion. Sure, they were on the winning side for WWII, but they were barely involved in that one properly at all – twas the Russians reeeeeeeeally. And England (not Britain) too, naturally, because England is the most heroic nation on Earth even though technically we’re not actually a nation but shut up. They had that Independence Battle against us, but we let them win that one because we had bigger things to deal with. Namely, saving all of Europe from Napoleon. So yes, we gave them that one. In the years that have gone by though, America has been just itching to have a proper war that they can win, on their own, to make themselves feel better about not being able to pronounce the word “aluminium” correctly. They went over to Vietnam for reasons I don’t quite understand (although I believe that the President was forced into this war by Oliver Stone so he could have a career), and lost that one, and they are currently slightly maybe perhaps not quite winning in Iraq. I don’t want to make any guesses on that one, it could go either way.

And now America is looking over at North Korea and Iran with narrowed eyes, whispering something about “goddamm foreign yuppies” and preparing to attack them. To this I say: do not do it, America! You lost against Vietnam, right, and they don’t even have nuclear weapons! How are you going to do against countries that slightly maybe perhaps do? Don’t even go there! The rest of the World doesn’t want you to go over and attack these countries – this is ALL YOU. We know, alright? It’s been a long time since you won a battle, and your actors barely ever win Oscars anymore cos of Australian and Brit actors, and you’re still jealous you never invented the Beatles… but there is another way to save face.

Attack Mongolia.*

Mongolia has a proud history – Genghis Khan used to be in charge of that place, and once upon a time you couldn’t walk in a straight line for bumping into Mongol warriors. They’re a pretty cool nation, that owned a lot of the World for a long period of time, but the thing is - they are no longer any good at fighting! Their army has sucked for centuries now! Heck, I bet they haven’t even got steam power yet, let alone nuclear capability! Go attack them! You can go over, bomb the hell out of them, and then stroll back into the UN building with a cigar, smiling, and tell everyone else “hey guys, guess who just themselves won a war, eh?” Wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re all Buddhists or something, so you can release all that pent-up racism you’ve been storing ever since you realised that Muslims don’t believe in Christ. And the Buddhists will forgive you. It’s in their religion.

So as far as I'm concerned, what's stopping y'all?


*I’m sorry, Mongolia. Nothing personal.