Stephanie Meyer Announces a FIFTH Twilight Book!

Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series have been a tremendous success around the World, and possibly the area between the World and Mercury. While Venusians are keen on the timeless tale of vampires and werewolves and the human caught between them, the people of Mercury find the writing to be a little lacklustre. The Martians are outright angry about the existence of the books, furious that there are no strong Martian characters in any of the title roles. The books are most massively popular on Earth, where the books – and Robert Pattinson’s dreamy combination of looking like he hates being in the film adaptations and staring both to and from the camera – are some of the most read and loved in the World. After four books which take the story to the logical conclusion of turning the main character into a vampire and having the werewolf fall in love with her newborn baby, we all thought Meyer was done. Nobody expected there to be more novels in her, especially not ones which could capture the heart, imagination, verve and wit which were so admirably left out of the original quadrilogy.

Yet the news has just come through that Meyer IS currently in the process of writing a fifth novel. While it may seem that the stories Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn definitively told the story of Bella and Edward, the vampire couple who will glitter forevermore, the title of the new book suggests a new direction for the storyline. Titled “Lunchtime”, the novel follows on directly from the past four books and sees Bella struggling to cope with her hunger. Although she wants to gorge herself on the arteries of some orphan children, Edward doesn’t dig fat chicks and she develops bulimia as a result. Meanwhile her former love interest Jacob is happily married to her newborn baby, and they are living in Alaska.

Now, things seem to be simple so far, until the arrival of a zombie into the picture. Called Samuel, the zombie meets Bella and is instantly smitten. As she is dead and thus has no legal obligation to stay loyal to Edward, Bella elopes with Samuel in some gloomy woods and they stare at each other for the middle section of the book. Meanwhile Edward himself finds that his eternal love for Bella is severely tested by the arrival of a mermaid, whose watery tendrils drag him underwater. He learns that he has gills and was the son of The Mermaid King. He’s asked to stay underwater forevermore, living underneath a lake near a gloomy forest.

This may seem simple so far, but things get complicated when the newborn baby ‘imprints’ a human male called Leslie, who wears a deep overcoat and lives in council housing on his own, in a deserted neighbourhood. Leslie attempt to abduct the child, and Jacob is too distracted by his own struggle not to cheat on the baby with a Chimera. Although Leslie is eventually caught by the Werewolf council and eaten, Jacob is left an outcast by the clan and has to go live on his own in a gloomy forest.

You may be thinking “this is all pretty simple so far”. Well hold on to your hats, because one day Bella and Samuel go for a row on the lake where Edward is living as the Crown Mermaid Prince, and Jacob spots her. Running across the surface of the lake, as all werewolves are able to, he pounces on Bella and eats her for being unfaithful to Edward. At the very same time, Edward abandons the mermaids and returns to the surface. Upon seeing what has happened on the boat, he is about to attack Jacob when they suddenly imprint on each other and fall in love. They push Samuel over the side of the boat and he floats to the bottom of the lake, where he falls in love with the mermaid Princess and they rule the lake forever more.

The final chapter sees Edward and Jacob row away on their boat together, little aware that a Medusa called Stephanie is watching them. To be continued??

The Five Worst Characters In Ocarina Of Time

Not everything about Ocarina of Time is brilliant. In fact, there are many things which are completely frustrating and hateable. Most of them are characters. While there are some cool character concepts and personalities present in the game, there also happen to by many characters that are completely horrible. Worst thing? None of the characters die during the course of the game (technically). Damn you, Nintendo!

When you start the game you go are asked to find your weapons and then solve a dungeon, all on your own, with no help, and things are good. It’s dangerous and startling, all up until you leave your home and reach the rest of the World, only to be stopped in your tracks by a giant owl who proceeds to tell you a load of boring crap about himself and what he thinks about you, giving a few subtle hints about what you should do next – “GO TO THE CASTLE, ELF-BITCH”. Creepiest of all, it does this whilst swivelling it’s head 360 degrees in a circle, vertically. See, the owl has two faces, each of which is more disturbing than the other. As you go through on your quest, diligently killing every animal that you meet on the way, this damn owl keeps popping up to give you his thoughts and opinions on how well you’re doing. You can’t even skip his dialogue! It’s insanely irritating.

At least the owl has the manners to not butt into your thoughts every five seconds with these opinions of his, however. As your fairy guide, Navi is constantly with you, updating you every five seconds with her useless knowledge and sense of direction – walk towards ‘Goron Mountain’ for example. Don’t take your time, though! If you are too slow, then Navi will jump up and confront you, telling you that ‘maybe we should go to Goron Mountain?’ She’s even more useless than the owl, in that respect. However, she does help you with your targeting system, which is fair enough.

A few days ago we made reference to a level where Link has to look after a young girl whilst battling through a dungeon. That’s a level set inside a whale’s stomach, incidentally, and the girl in question is called Princess Ruto. She owns a mystical gem that you need to complete the game, but she just so happens to accidentally get eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu, said giant whale, before you can take it. Then you have to follow her in and rescue her from her own pet whale. Now, nobody likes to have to do the ‘rescue the useless character’ section of any game, but the worst bit is that Ruto is doing this ON PUPOSE. She sits down halfway through, crosses her arms, and refuses to go any further unless you carry her. And then she tries to make out with you at the end? Dude!

If there is any character that creeps me out, then it is The Happy Mask Salesman. His coked-up antics as he talks to you about his mask are the stuff of nightmares, and in the subsequent game he got even scarier. I hate him.

Of all the monsters in the game, however, there aren’t that many terrifying ones. Down the well are some completely retarded things that grab you and don’t let go, and there are some shocks, but nothing really terrifying. Oh, except for the Re-deads. These zombielike things which are presumably the zombie remains of the nice civilians you meet early on in the game wander round uselessly, until you go near. At which point they frickin’ scream at you. It’s horrible! For nothing more than the petrifying screams they make, the re-deads are the worst enemies in the game.