Seven Great Places To Hide The Body

So you've made a bit of a mistake. The whore who was in the middle of dumping you suddenly tripped into mid-calibre seven bullets and got them stuck in her upper-right temple, and now her head is scattered across the floor of your breakfast room. Don't panic, man! Recently-released statistics reveal that over 46% of men will at one point have to deal with the trauma of accidentally killing that cheating bitch you thought was ready to settle down and move to the country. So you're not alone!

Wilftonville empathises with your plight. It's not easy to witness slut-brain spatter over the freshly-wallpapered apartment you just moved into and haven't paid off the final rent on. While we can only advise that you pour salt onto any patches of carpet which are soaked in claret, and dap with a wet cloth, we can offer much more advice when it comes to dumping the body. Why should your life have to end because you ended the life of that hooker? Jail is for criminals, not victims of emotional abuse, after all! Here are ten options for where you could smuggle the body, and expect it to never be seen again.


1. Uganda

If you've ever been to Uganda, then 1: I am amazed you made it out alive and 2: you'll have noticed that it is currently a barren landscape filled with the corpses of the poor. If you have a private plane, then it's simplicity itself to pack up the body in a roll of carpet and fly across to the other continent. Nobody will notice the one extra body, lying spreadeagled in a dusty pit of bones and scorch marks.


2. A Wheelie Bin

If you've seen any comedy-crime caper, you'll likely have witnessed a scene in which the protagonist has to throw a body off a bridge, so it lands perfectly onto a passing rubbish-barge sailing underneath. That is a nightmare of timing and precision, so it's far more convenient to simply take the body and stuff it into one of your recycling bins. Although the Government likes to make a song-and-dance about their commitment to the environment, binmen sure as hell don't check the bins to make sure all the papers and glass have been filtered seperately. In this scenario, you'll be relying on this inherent laziness to conceal the body. Nobody should look to see if there is a bloody arm hanging out the top of the bin (although you should attempt to hide this), and you'll be scot-free by the mid-afternoon.


3. Loch Ness

There is a monster living in Loch Ness. There's a relatively small lake and a giant monster. And nobody has managed to take anything other than a small fuzzy photo of it. Even if the monster doesn't eat the body for sustinence or kicks, it's a safe bet that the public won't find the body in that lake.


4. In the Middle of Your Lounge, During a Dinner Party

Dinner parties are an opportunity to show off your rare talent for subversive humour. Any guest heading to a dinner party are expecting a barrage of personality from the moment they come through the door to their final hesitant handshakes after midnight. What a superb chance to show your the new centrepiece of your household - an identical replica of your partner, albeit a replica which has had it's brains forcibly ejected via tiny metal shells. Nobody will think twice about the prop, which looks so lifelike and yet couldn't possibly be. No, of course not, there's no way that you'd be so bold as to kill your partner and then leave her body lying out in the open where everyone could see her.

Reverse psychology plays an important part in this scheme.


5. The Chinese Embassy

It will be difficult to make your way into the Chinese Embassy, which by all accounts has an alarm system on the windows and no other form of security. If you do trip the alarm, agents with guns will arrive within a tensely-plotted minute, so you'll have to be careful. For the most part, however, the poor lighting will keep you safe and hidden. If possible, recruit an internally-tortured MI5 agent who may well have had a former life as a foreign terrorist.


6. A Cannon Inside A Magical Painting of a Water-Spider

You can angle one of the cannons in Wet Dry World so Mario bounces off the invisible border around the edge of the level, hits the ground, and slides back into the cannon. This creates an endless loop of cannon-based Mario corpse shooting. Apply this principle to your deceased ex, and watch as hilarity ensues!


7. Inside Chris Langham's Career

We don't mean to be rude. But nobody would ever find it here.

Damn, Bro

The ‘lympics are running at the moment, guys, and they have been totally radical thus far. Did you know that they’re all being held in Beijing and all this year? I checked on Wikipedia, bros, and that’s in China. Heh, like with those plates that you get from the shop and stuff! That’s priceless, man, I’m telling that joke to my friend Tandy, he works at Netto. I needed to get on the blog and blog about this stuff, because it is seriously mental, and I don’t know how to describe it.

It’s like all these different sports going on at the same time that every country in the world takes part in. Imagine that! Every country does each different race, and they all get medals at the end. I dunno what they get for getting the most medals, but I bet it’s probably some kind of military stuff. Can you imagine if they gave out free weapons to whoever wins the ‘lympics? That’d be off the chain!

I am so totally Xcited about tonight. All the sports are put on really late, and there’s no reason for it, but at like three every morning the games all start and the people do their competitions and all that. I like some more than others – beach volleyball, bro! You can totally see their abs in that. I love a girl with abs. Totally more worthwhile than a girl who ain’t got any of them, am I right?

Tonight though man, I’m totally most excited about the men’s individual gymnastic all-round event. It’s gonna be a dazzling display of physical ability and dexterity, topped off with some fabulous and divine routines that will remind all but the most near-sighted of readers of Stravinsky’s finest pieces. Radical! So bros, this is what I’m recommending to y’all today, alright? Get your ass down to your TV and get it on, score you some awesome acrobatic action! But yo, guys, if you wait up for really late in the afternoon – Gabby Logan, bro! I know you wanna hit that. She’s so fine… I think she’s just damn fine. I got nothin’!

So that gymnastic final - Damn, bro!

The Cheeky Monkeys

I don’t keep up with British TV, because I believe that it is being used as a device to destroy the soul of our country, and that it weakens the free-spirit of our children and scares the elderly. Every so often I am dragged across to see something, and last night that something happened to be a little TV show called Britain’s Got Talent. “What a quaint show this will be!” I thought to myself, for in my mind I am an elderly woman. “I do so hope that it celebrates the best of British talent and helps strengthen the resolve of our army in Iraq.” I’m a concerned young man when it comes to the welfare of our troops, and I’ll be the first to admit it. I physically cry every time I see someone wearing a red beret in the street, from the sheer memory of the fact our troops are out there right now, fighting so that people will stop fighting the British troops in Iraq. I care deeply, as you can see, about the welfare of the nation.

It seems that I was watching the wrong places! While the first act was a set of dancers who performed a routine that any Royal Variety Show would be proud to host, and the second act was a University student who could bend herself over backwards (yes, she was Asian, but I cannot confirm nor deny that the Chinese Government broke her spine in order for her to be able to achieve this. I don’t have the resources. I did make several sexually inappropriate jokes about her during the routine, because I like to make people laugh and my grandparents were looking a bit bored). This is all very well and good, nothing wrong there, no reason to panic about the state of Britain. And then these two came on.

They call themselves “Cheeky Monkeys”, which is interesting because I’ve never met a child in my life who ever uses the word “cheeky”. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that cheeky is a word only ever used by twee mothers who think their abominable spawn are actually being endearing while they happily maul the curtains. It gets worse. The idea behind their routine is that these two little children do a dance routine involving high kicks, cartwheels, and an odd finger-shaking routine which I believe was taken from a 50’s musical about the joys of black segregation (does such a musical exist? I would love to see it). So yes, our television at prime time is devoted to seeing young children dancing. This offends me on several levels, and my inner granny on many an occasion has been tempted to write a scathing letter followed by a knitted scarf to the ITV executives because of this repeated sight.

And it’s not just because the girl wears a short skirt that is completely inappropriate and should get her mother sent to prison for months and months and months. This is though, admittedly a factor in my hatred for this particular act. My main problem is that they expect the British public to find this sort of performance to be ‘cute’ and not ‘creepy’, when obviously the parents are demented. How would they like to be up there under the spotlights, performing a ridiculous and sexualised dance in front of the whole of Britain? Quite a lot, I’d imagine. They’re probably sat up in the crowd taking photos, which they’ll then photoshop their own faces onto. Parents should never be allowed to have kids.

Just looking at this photo makes you a sexual predator.

Five People Who Could Bring the World to a Screeching Halt With One Click of Their Mouse

There are many people in the World, most of whom have no power at all. They're useless, essentially, but generally - quite nice. However, there are at least five different people who could, if they so wished, destroy the World from their laptop. These people could easily click a button, and end life as we know it. So, just so you're warned, here are those five people you should never get on the wrong side of.


1: Jimmy Wales – President, Wikia. inc

What Power Do They Have?
Jimmy Wales was one of the two creators of Wikipedia, a website which aims to be a comprehensive encyclopaedia for anything you may wish to know. It does this by making every single entry accessible by anyone, so that as new information is discovered, it can be noted down by anyone. As such, Wikipedia has become the largest source for information in not just the Internet, but the World. It’s totally free to use, too, prompting students across the world to shout “Screw you, Oxford English Dictionary! Your website requires me to pay? I’ll just use Wikipedia instead! Ahahahaa!”

How Could They Halt The World?
Wikipedia is the first source for information for a whole range of people. As a student myself, I’ve spent more than my fair share of time searching through the articles about Walt Whitman and Post Structuralism, and I can testify that Wikipedia is incredibly useful for anyone. It’s become part of the world culture, too, in a way that few other websites have. The fact that anyone can add in information about their hometown or something they specialise in is enticing, and the fact it’s free means I can spend my money for more useless things such as alcohol and over-elaborate fancy-dress costumes. Imagine, then, if Jimmy were to take all this away from us. If he shut down the site. People wouldn’t be able to find things out anymore! My entire generation of students would suddenly find that the only way to learn things is through hard study and using a “library” filled with “books”. Needless to say, we’d all fail our exams, be thicker, and unemployable. No more scientists! No more anthropologists! No more… accountants! The world would shudder to a halt, no doubt.

Reason This Won’t Happen
If Jimmy ever went nuts and did this, you can rest easy in the knowledge that Wikipedia was co-created. Larry Sanger, who puts the “co” in that phrase, is currently at work on a successor to Wikipedia, written only by experts. Imagine that – a Wikipedia which is almost always correct! It’d be like an online Stephen Fry.


2: Al Gore – Former American Vice President

What Power Do They Have?
After losing to George Bush Jr in the American elections, Al Gore vanished into the wilderness reserved for forgotten politicians, and likely had a cup of tea with John Major and William McKinley (no, me neither) while he was there. We all thought he had gone for good, but then he cropped up in the film “An Inconvenient Truth”, which repeated the syllabus of all schoolchildren for the past TWENTY YEARS and made everyone WHO ISN’T UNDER 40 aware that global warming did, indeed, exist. He made it a global agenda out of nowhere, and helps numerous charities too. So to stand next to Al Gore is to tell the world “I’m a nice guy too” - even if you’re Bono, who secretly eats children*

How Could They Halt The World?
Many, many idiots have banded together to say that Global Warming doesn’t exist, saying that it’s something Al Gore has made up just to get attention. A few people even suggest that Al is causing global warming himself. Sounds stupid, but what if they’re right? What if Al Gore has a team of supporters grouped at the north and south poles even as we sit here, waiting for his word before whipping out some flamethrowers and melting that bad boy? In the event that this is actually true, we should probably start signing stuff that says we’re going to use more renewable energy now, eh? Y’know, before he gets his men to flame up the icecap some. He strikes me as the kinda guy who would be happy to kill off all the penguins if it means he becomes president, so the question here is not ‘if’, but ‘when’ he presses the button. On the plus side, his vice-president might well be his former roommate, Tommy Lee Jones. And that would just be awesome.

Reason This Won’t Happen
GLOBAL WARMING EXISTS


3: Bill Gates – Chairman, Microsoft

What Power Does He Have?
Bill Gates OWNS Microsoft, the company that reaches into practically every house in the Western World and provides us with webbing excellence (or, in the case of Vista, an online traffic jam). Microsoft not online provide computers, but also the software that runs them. Microsoft Office, which provides people with an electronic way to write, manage finances or create presentations, is used by an estimated 90% of all computer owners. Heck, just by typing in Microsoft to word, it automatically puts in a capital ‘M’. This guy essentially is the reason we can type our homework, dissertations, stock reports, letters, anything.

How Could They Halt The World?
One word: virus. It’s reasonably well-known that Gates releases software which needs to be updated every three months through extra ‘bonus’ patches and upgrades, which thus means you have to continually buy new packages. Bearing in mind this act of tricky genius, is it really such a stretch to believe, as I firmly do, that Gates installs a dormant virus into each piece of software his company creates, so that if anyone ever tries to hurt him, he can simply activate it and thus destroy most of the computer software known to man? Is that really so unlikely? My friends, this will happen one day – if someone tries to take out Gates, or perhaps if he gets really bored, then he’ll lean over and push that button. And then we’ll pay.

Reason This Won’t Happen
Bill Gates is a geek! He’s a nerd of the very highest stature, and if he were to activate the virus (which I like to believe he’d call “The Ballmer Ball-Buster”), it’d mean he’d no longer be able to watch Star Trek episodes through Windows Media Player. And I don’t think he could work a VCR.


4: Tom Anderson – Co-founder, Myspace

What Power Do They Have?
Myspace is a social networking site that allows millions of unloved teenagers to go online and complain about how unloved they are to nobody in particular. Myspace is a massive, massive site – and every time someone new joins, Tom automatically becomes their friend. At this very moment, Tom has approximately 215 MILLION friends. Many of these people worship the very feet of Tom. In their eyes, he’s a God. In the eyes of everyone who isn’t a 15-year old who can’t use the focus on the camera while taking photos (Stop taking photos from an elevated angle! It looks like you’re retarded and can’t work a camera!), Tom is a man who sold his company to (eeeeeevil!) Rupert Murdoch for trillions of dollars.

How Could They Halt The World?
Read what I just said. Tom has 215000000 friends. If he asked them all to revolt and announce him the new leader of the World, he only needs a very small percentage of them to join before he has a massive taskforce to hand. And then he’d march on us, followed by an army of short, fat teenagers with hair over their eyes. Normal people wouldn’t stand a chance against him, especially when you consider the fact that he has the power of Murdoch on his side. Together, the two of them would reshape the World in the way they wanted – and personally speaking, Murdoch is a terrifying man, as anyone who has ever watched an episode of Fox News will agree. This guy doesn’t even believe in Global Warming, guys.

Reason This Won’t Happen
There is much speculation as to what Tom Anderson actually does, with many people certain he’s just a figurehead for the company now, and doesn’t actually run the site himself. In any circumstance, the kind of people who use Myspace would likely explode upon contact with the outside world anyway, thus rendering any army Anderson may try to create ineffective at best. Against most major countries, with the obvious exception of France and Italy, he would likely lose.


5: The CPC – Communist Party of China

What Power Do They Have?
Well, they rule China, the quickest developing country in the World. That’s right, the biggest country in the world, with one of the largest populations, is ruled by the Communists. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just that as far as GCSE history has taught me, communism never ends well. Then again I had a tendency never to listen to my teachers, and China’s been doing significantly well as a nation over the past decade or so.

How Could They Halt The World?
What do the BBC, Wikipedia, Amnesty International, Project Gutenberg and the United Nations have in common? All their websites are blocked by China. Want to start a journal online or put up some photos from your last holiday? The CPC blocks livejournal, flickr, all those sort of websites. Try looking for China’s other political parties online, and you’ll find nothing. They’re blocked. And just you try to Google “Democracy” - you can’t do it. There are many more sites which the CPC have blocked, which includes most of the websites mentioned above. But how is this relevant? It’s relevant, because I have an irrational fear of Communism. At the moment, China is happy to have nothing to do with the rest of the country, but imagine if they started thinking ‘hey, we have voters who are currently overseas – what if they go online?” If they wanted, I’m convinced they could extend their censorship to other computers around the World. Imagine that – the BBC would be out of reach, charities and political parties would lose their footing, Google would be practically useless… Communism would take over, friends. And there’d be practically nothing we could do about it.

Reason This Won’t Happen:
There is no reason to suggest this won’t happen. The Chinese don’t care less what we think, y’all! They’re bad-asses - they’d destroy the internet and not think twice about it.



*DISCLAIMER: This may not be true.