Reasons We Should Expect The Giants To Attack Us #1

Noticed all those dead birds recently? If you’re the kind of person who enjoys leaving the house, you’ll have noticed by now that there are dead birds lying everywhere, just scattered dead on the floor like tiny bird-shaped corpse presents. What’s with all the dead birds, you guys? It’s a sign that the Giants are returning, is the answer. Why are they a sign that the Giants are returning? Let us answer that. Let us tell you why they are evidence that the Giants are returning.

We’re talkin’ about golden eggs, yo. It’s an expensive life, being a Giant, and there are very few careers which ask for applicants to be monstrously tall. As a matter of fact, most businesses actively discriminate against the gargantuan. As a result Giants have switched their attention to magic, and attain all their wealth exclusively from the golden egg business. While there is the odd fruity Giant who makes his money from Golden Harp Recitals, by and large (if you’ll excuse the pun), Giants rely on golden nuggets for their day-to-day financing.

The problem is that in our current economic and environmental climate, such fowls no longer exist. Evolution and capitalism at work, people! So when the Giants do finally return, they’re going to need to find new birds to fire out Golden Eggs for them. Birds worldwide, having sensed that the return of the Giants is imminent, are all about the immortality. They want to live forever and become famous, guardians of golden gander gifts, and so they’re straining and straining and forcing themselves into producing gold eggs.

The trouble is that only select birds are able to tap into the magics which allow them to produce golden eggs, and the majority of them are doomed to failure. Gold is notoriously difficult to spontaneously create, and birds are typically unfamiliar with the periodic table. Thusly, too often we are seeing birds create granite eggs which weigh them down. Too heavy to fly anymore, they hurtle down to Earth in this thousands, dying instantly upon impact.

Now, I’m not a Scientist, but this sounds irrefutable to me. The moment a sparrow succeeds in turning their yolk into gold? The Giants will return.

How To Make Bird Soup

Bird Soup


Introduction – Faintly twee praise for Bird Soup

Bird Soup is a delicious and inpoisonous brew* that will serve 2-4 people, unless you live with vegetarians, in which case it will serve 1 person. If you yourself are a vegetarian, then you have come to the wrong website, commie. It is to be served fresh and hot, so that the taste is not damaged through storage. Bird Soup is unsuitable for cannibals of the human, alligator, or hyena variety. Birds are not naturally prone to cannibalism, but are advised that Bird Soup should be their first taste of their own race, were they ever to grow curious. All other forms of bird-related nourishment are inadequate and illegitimate,


Ingredients – What medicines go into Bird Soup

One Bird (deceased)
Salt
Pepper (large mill)
One handful of birdseed


Method – How Bird Soup gets made

Step 1:
Take a bowl.

Step 2:
This is the bowl where you will put your bird soup once it is cooked.

Step 3:
Have you got the bowl yet?

Step 4:
Unscrew the top of your window, but leave the pane in place.

Step 5:
Take the handful of birdseed and place it in your hand. If your hand is full, then you have collected enough birdseed for the recipe to continue without issue. Look out of your window upon yon garden of yours and hold up the hand which has a handful of birdseed in it (not the hand which has a handful of hand in it though, tee-hee!)

Step 6:
Wait until you see a bird in your garden, and quickly gain its affection and trust by giving it a few grains of the birdseed you have. You will no longer have a handful of birdseed after this step of the recipe, so if you fail you are advised to go back to step 5 and try again. Once the bird is duly won over by your gracious charm, start walking across the length of the window. The bird will follow you.

Step 7:
The bird is now mesmerised, so you should take steps away from the window. The bird will mirror your movements and step back from his or her side of the window accordingly.

Step 8:
Run quickly at the window but stop just before you hit it. The bird will imitate, but will not have the forewarning to stop before she or he hits the window (unless you come across a bird with the notional ability to read your mind. If this happens, head back to step 5). There will be a dull thud as the bird hits the window and then explodes, as is the natural instinct of all birds when faced with danger.

Step 9:
Pull the window out with the liquidated remains of bird and carry it through to your kitchen, and place it in a saucepan and allow to simmer on a high heat (bird blood is naturally resistant to heat and thus needs to be cooked at a higher temperature than human blood) for approximately eighteen minutes.

Step 10:
Why not watch an episode of Arrested Development while you wait for your Bird Soup to prepare?

Step 11:
Your bird soup will stop making feeble, desiccated squawking noises once fully ready for consumption. Pout it out into the bowl.

Step 12:
OH MY GOD DID YOU FORGET THE BOWL? GET ONE NOW, YOU SPASTIC!!

Step 13:
Take a spoon, knife, fork, and primitive hammer with you as you proceed to the dining room. Supply all guests eating Bird Soup with the same implements.

Step 14:
Enjoy!


It really is as easy as all that! And so scrummy! If you can’t eat all of the Bird Soup at this one sitting, then it will still taste just as great cold. Why not put it in a packed lunch for your children?** They’ll be sure you appreciate the effort you’ve made!


*Recipe is unsuitable for use with the following birds: parrot, hummingbird, Andrew, ostrich, emu, pheasant, cockatoo, Big.

**All of the Bird Soup must be eaten within four days of the original explosion, or the bird will reform minus the parts which have been consumed and embark on a rampage of revenge.

The Three Least Endangered Species

Last year it was announced that many of the animal species native to Britain are starting to die out, and animals as diverse and iconic (if that’s the right word) as the cuckoo and hedgehog are now thought of as credible worries, extinction-wise. Other animals, such as the falcon and fox, are having to adapt to the increasingly urban environment of Britain, which has helped the Peregrine Falcon recover from its position on the endangered-species list, but at what cost? Yet there are some animals who, no matter how quickly we urbanise the countryside, show no sign of just fucking dying already. The RSPCA has a list of animals who are not endangered, and it makes for worrying reading. The only animals which are increasing in numbers are the animals that are fucking annoying and nobody likes, which means that in the future, humans can look forward to a lifetime of fond reminiscing towards badgers, while millions of flies bang incessantly against the dining-room window. For the sake of the list, flies weren’t included, because the RSPCA thinks them “too obvious” a choice. Here, though, are the three animals who don’t seem to be dying out, no matter what we do to their homes.


1: The Seagull

Once upon a time, the only place anyone would find seagulls would be, somewhat predictably, in areas close to the sea. Recently though the winged creatures have begun moving inwards, finding that the food humans drop on the streets is highly delicious (especially Subways sandwiches, which they treasure highly) and that the warmth offered by the streets is rather lovely, actually. As such, seagulls no longer are the preserve of the beach, and are found in streets across the country, walking across the roads and giving the evil eye to any cars which dare try to cross them.

Why This Is Bad

Seagulls are real bad motherflippers. Whilst the pigeon problem is something which the RSPCA are keeping a close eye on, the reality is that pigeons are nice and dim, whereas seagulls are crafty and devious. Not content with just eating food they find on the floor, the gulls have realised that they can maximise their food intake by dive-bombing people holding delicious chips or a sandwich and knocking the food to the floor. Pigeons walk around in a daze, astonished because everything is just so real to them; seagulls actively set out to rule the world. They will attack people for little to no reason, and whenever a human fights back they take to the air and cackle in a manner which would likely cause Machiavelli himself to cry. And they spend a lot of time shouting at each other, especially in the early mornings. The call of a nightingale or owl is actually rather soothing, but a seagull’s yelp was designed to chill right through to the bone. One thing is clear – as soon as seagulls realise how to work a door, the pastry industry will be ruined.

What We Can Do To Stop Them

Seagulls have the distinct advantage of flight, which means the best way to defy the creatures is to purchase some form of blunderbuss. As seagulls group together, with such a weapon you can be guaranteed of taking down the entire group at once, and less aiming is required. The best tactic to help wind down the numbers of seagulls in the world is to coat the ground in poison, rendering all food dropped to the floor deadly to the creatures. This proposal, however, has been shelved by our liberal government.


2: The Wasp

Although last year was rather disappointing for wasp lovers round the World, these insects can’t be held down (literally: they will sting you) or tied up (a silly idea in the first place, really). Every summer swarms and swarms of them descend upon the British countryside, getting stuck in windows and having a damn fine time with anyone foolish enough to attempt a picnic nearby. To emphasise just how many wasps there are, consider the fact that a group of wasps is called a swarm. A swarm, people.

Why This Is Bad

Wasps sting people for no reason and it is impossible to guess when they will next strike. Practically every human in Britain will get stung at one point or another, and in some cases this could even be fatal. Some people, you see, are allergic to wasp stings. This doesn’t stop the stripy buggers though; as they will attack anything that moves. They are especially adept at attacking anyone with something sugary and delicious, meaning that again, pastry-makers need to maintain a constant vigilance against them. In addition to all of this stinging, it is believed by many that the wasp race have the ants working for them to collect food all year round, which is then presented on a large leaf for the wasps to take home with them. This is slavery, and slavery is (usually) wrong.

What We Can Do To Stop Them

Flamethrowers. Lots and lots of flamethrowers. Failing this, doing large amounts of damage to the O-Zone Layer will increase the temperature of the earth and make the weather erratic, which will kill off millions of wasps in one fell swoop.


3: The Rat

Rats have long been the science communities’ experimentation animal of choice, having a mind similar to those of humans – not surprising to anyone who has ever visited Hull – and seemingly endless numbers. Rats are notoriously tolerant of any hazard put in their way: they can take extreme temperatures and are able to go many days without eating. They are survivors, and tend to live in the holes between your walls and under the very floor you are currently sat on a chair which is stood up on. Rats are considered a valuable member of the animal community by many Eastern nations, but the main connection Westerners make with them is “Rat! Rat! In my house!” This will then be prompted by several minutes of standing on a tall stool and shouting for your cat to come save the day, if you are a large black woman of dubious racial background.

Why This Is Bad

This is bad because rats are the scariest animals ever, if you are a woman. While men tend to maintain a calm sense of peacefulness when a rat appears, women have a part of their brain devoted to shrieking which kicks in whenever a rat (or minority, if you are from Texas) walks by. And if you didn’t already know this – shrieking is really painful on the ol’ ears. Stereotypes apart, the rise in numbers of rats is disturbing because rats traditionally carry many, many diseases on them without having any reaction to them. Humans who come into contact with a rat, however? Forget about it. You won’t last a week. Rats caused the plague, and many people (myself included) are wary that the rats are probably biding their time before they do it again. They are generally rather bad news for humans, living off crumbs and mess made my us and carrying fleas and ticks to other innocent animals like cats and dogs.

What We Can Do To Stop Them

Very little. Rats are bred to be survivors, and the only way we could ever be certain to wipe them all out would be to start a nuclear war against their kind. Even if we did do this, inevitably some of them would mutate and gain super-powers, thus requiring us to call up Godzilla to help us out again. It’s just not a viable option for us.