The ‘lympics are running at the moment, guys, and they have been totally radical thus far. Did you know that they’re all being held in Beijing and all this year? I checked on Wikipedia, bros, and that’s in China. Heh, like with those plates that you get from the shop and stuff! That’s priceless, man, I’m telling that joke to my friend Tandy, he works at Netto. I needed to get on the blog and blog about this stuff, because it is seriously mental, and I don’t know how to describe it.
It’s like all these different sports going on at the same time that every country in the world takes part in. Imagine that! Every country does each different race, and they all get medals at the end. I dunno what they get for getting the most medals, but I bet it’s probably some kind of military stuff. Can you imagine if they gave out free weapons to whoever wins the ‘lympics? That’d be off the chain!
I am so totally Xcited about tonight. All the sports are put on really late, and there’s no reason for it, but at like three every morning the games all start and the people do their competitions and all that. I like some more than others – beach volleyball, bro! You can totally see their abs in that. I love a girl with abs. Totally more worthwhile than a girl who ain’t got any of them, am I right?
Tonight though man, I’m totally most excited about the men’s individual gymnastic all-round event. It’s gonna be a dazzling display of physical ability and dexterity, topped off with some fabulous and divine routines that will remind all but the most near-sighted of readers of Stravinsky’s finest pieces. Radical! So bros, this is what I’m recommending to y’all today, alright? Get your ass down to your TV and get it on, score you some awesome acrobatic action! But yo, guys, if you wait up for really late in the afternoon – Gabby Logan, bro! I know you wanna hit that. She’s so fine… I think she’s just damn fine. I got nothin’!
So that gymnastic final - Damn, bro!
Showing posts with label Poor Geography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poor Geography. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Whales: The Problem
There is a meeting going on right now (maybe not right now, but this is a more dramatic way to start a blog entry than “maybe at some point soon this will happen”) where the whaling association have gathered together for their annual conference. Their main concern? Whaling. Which makes a refreshing change from all their other conferences, presumably. During this conference they have gathered to discuss the problem which is currently prevalent in the world and which will likely strike all whalers hard, soon: whales are an endangered species. Yes, we all know this, because it was taught to us in schools while we were children and it’s also bleedin’ obvious, but the whaling association aren’t so sure. Their worry is that we have called whales an endangered species even though nobody (nobody!) can actually say for certain how many whales are actually in the sea at any one point in time.
They have a point, admittedly – there’s an awful lot of sea, and nobody can say for sure how much of the sea has a whale in it. Counting them is an impossible task – and if we can’t count them, how can we tell if they are endangered or not? Clearly, in the eyes of whalers around the world, we need to have some sort of census for whales. In no way is this a last plea to let them kill whales for food and blubber and energy (there’s an awful lot can be made from a dead whale) because their livelihoods will be ruined if they aren’t allowed to hunt them anymore. Fair play, they’re totally right, but I side more with the whales than with the whalers because:
a: I don’t eat whale anyway.
b: whalers need to find more humane ways to kill whales
c: whales are ace.
So I’ve thought up a way to count all the whales. What we do, essentially, is make a giant net that is circular, and then fly it into place using planes (or flying submarines, as in the classic Beatles movie ‘Yellow Submarine’) before dredging the sea. We take these gigantic nets and we drag them along the sea, collecting up all the animals on one side of the net, and pushing them over to the east coast of America. Once we have all the animals pushed to one side, it’s a simple case of counting up all the whales, and then setting them free again. And then, once we can conclude that they are, in fact, an endangered species, we can stop whaling them.
I have included a diagram of this:
If this does not come to pass, then you’ll know why: the whaling association have bribed the UN. Stay frosty.
They have a point, admittedly – there’s an awful lot of sea, and nobody can say for sure how much of the sea has a whale in it. Counting them is an impossible task – and if we can’t count them, how can we tell if they are endangered or not? Clearly, in the eyes of whalers around the world, we need to have some sort of census for whales. In no way is this a last plea to let them kill whales for food and blubber and energy (there’s an awful lot can be made from a dead whale) because their livelihoods will be ruined if they aren’t allowed to hunt them anymore. Fair play, they’re totally right, but I side more with the whales than with the whalers because:
a: I don’t eat whale anyway.
b: whalers need to find more humane ways to kill whales
c: whales are ace.
So I’ve thought up a way to count all the whales. What we do, essentially, is make a giant net that is circular, and then fly it into place using planes (or flying submarines, as in the classic Beatles movie ‘Yellow Submarine’) before dredging the sea. We take these gigantic nets and we drag them along the sea, collecting up all the animals on one side of the net, and pushing them over to the east coast of America. Once we have all the animals pushed to one side, it’s a simple case of counting up all the whales, and then setting them free again. And then, once we can conclude that they are, in fact, an endangered species, we can stop whaling them.
I have included a diagram of this:
If this does not come to pass, then you’ll know why: the whaling association have bribed the UN. Stay frosty.
Saturday, 2 February 2008
Why America Should War With Mongolia
My personal stance on war is: it should only ever be against parasitic alien bugs. No fighting between humans should be allowed, because if we’re ever invaded by aforementioned alien monsters, we’ll need to team up to kill them all off. But yet, in this specific instance, I feel we should allow America just this one little war.
You see, America have never properly won a war, in my opinion. Sure, they were on the winning side for WWII, but they were barely involved in that one properly at all – twas the Russians reeeeeeeeally. And England (not Britain) too, naturally, because England is the most heroic nation on Earth even though technically we’re not actually a nation but shut up. They had that Independence Battle against us, but we let them win that one because we had bigger things to deal with. Namely, saving all of Europe from Napoleon. So yes, we gave them that one. In the years that have gone by though, America has been just itching to have a proper war that they can win, on their own, to make themselves feel better about not being able to pronounce the word “aluminium” correctly. They went over to Vietnam for reasons I don’t quite understand (although I believe that the President was forced into this war by Oliver Stone so he could have a career), and lost that one, and they are currently slightly maybe perhaps not quite winning in Iraq. I don’t want to make any guesses on that one, it could go either way.
And now America is looking over at North Korea and Iran with narrowed eyes, whispering something about “goddamm foreign yuppies” and preparing to attack them. To this I say: do not do it, America! You lost against Vietnam, right, and they don’t even have nuclear weapons! How are you going to do against countries that slightly maybe perhaps do? Don’t even go there! The rest of the World doesn’t want you to go over and attack these countries – this is ALL YOU. We know, alright? It’s been a long time since you won a battle, and your actors barely ever win Oscars anymore cos of Australian and Brit actors, and you’re still jealous you never invented the Beatles… but there is another way to save face.
Attack Mongolia.*
Mongolia has a proud history – Genghis Khan used to be in charge of that place, and once upon a time you couldn’t walk in a straight line for bumping into Mongol warriors. They’re a pretty cool nation, that owned a lot of the World for a long period of time, but the thing is - they are no longer any good at fighting! Their army has sucked for centuries now! Heck, I bet they haven’t even got steam power yet, let alone nuclear capability! Go attack them! You can go over, bomb the hell out of them, and then stroll back into the UN building with a cigar, smiling, and tell everyone else “hey guys, guess who just themselves won a war, eh?” Wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re all Buddhists or something, so you can release all that pent-up racism you’ve been storing ever since you realised that Muslims don’t believe in Christ. And the Buddhists will forgive you. It’s in their religion.
So as far as I'm concerned, what's stopping y'all?
*I’m sorry, Mongolia. Nothing personal.
You see, America have never properly won a war, in my opinion. Sure, they were on the winning side for WWII, but they were barely involved in that one properly at all – twas the Russians reeeeeeeeally. And England (not Britain) too, naturally, because England is the most heroic nation on Earth even though technically we’re not actually a nation but shut up. They had that Independence Battle against us, but we let them win that one because we had bigger things to deal with. Namely, saving all of Europe from Napoleon. So yes, we gave them that one. In the years that have gone by though, America has been just itching to have a proper war that they can win, on their own, to make themselves feel better about not being able to pronounce the word “aluminium” correctly. They went over to Vietnam for reasons I don’t quite understand (although I believe that the President was forced into this war by Oliver Stone so he could have a career), and lost that one, and they are currently slightly maybe perhaps not quite winning in Iraq. I don’t want to make any guesses on that one, it could go either way.
And now America is looking over at North Korea and Iran with narrowed eyes, whispering something about “goddamm foreign yuppies” and preparing to attack them. To this I say: do not do it, America! You lost against Vietnam, right, and they don’t even have nuclear weapons! How are you going to do against countries that slightly maybe perhaps do? Don’t even go there! The rest of the World doesn’t want you to go over and attack these countries – this is ALL YOU. We know, alright? It’s been a long time since you won a battle, and your actors barely ever win Oscars anymore cos of Australian and Brit actors, and you’re still jealous you never invented the Beatles… but there is another way to save face.
Attack Mongolia.*
Mongolia has a proud history – Genghis Khan used to be in charge of that place, and once upon a time you couldn’t walk in a straight line for bumping into Mongol warriors. They’re a pretty cool nation, that owned a lot of the World for a long period of time, but the thing is - they are no longer any good at fighting! Their army has sucked for centuries now! Heck, I bet they haven’t even got steam power yet, let alone nuclear capability! Go attack them! You can go over, bomb the hell out of them, and then stroll back into the UN building with a cigar, smiling, and tell everyone else “hey guys, guess who just themselves won a war, eh?” Wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re all Buddhists or something, so you can release all that pent-up racism you’ve been storing ever since you realised that Muslims don’t believe in Christ. And the Buddhists will forgive you. It’s in their religion.
So as far as I'm concerned, what's stopping y'all?
*I’m sorry, Mongolia. Nothing personal.
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