Casting a British Version of Community

Community is the best sitcom on television at the moment. At the very least, it's the best English-language sitcom. The story centres around a group of people who go to a second-chance college. Their lives have not really worked out, so they've gone back to college to either get a new degree, meet some new people, or get away from their previous lives. The show stars Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Ken Jeong, and Chevy Chase. Given American TV's insistence on recasting and remaking British shows instead of airing the original series, what would it be like if we recast Community for a British audience, using actors who are in a similar position to the actors on the American version? Well, it'd be a lot whiter, for a start. Here's where we think it'd go.


Jeff - played by Joel McHale
British counterpart – Harry Hill

Joel McHale's 'main' role is as the commentator on The Soup, a TV show which makes fun of other TV shows. In Britain we have a slightly better version of the same show, and in Britain it's run by Harry Hill. A bald, bespectacled former doctor with a wacky sense of humour and a fondness for puppets and animation, Harry Hill is by no means leading man material. However, he is Britain's version of Joel McHale. Or rather, Joel is America's version of Harry Hill.


Britta - played by Gillian Jacobs
British counterpart – Tamsin Grieg

We needed to pick an actress who is known for comedy, but comedy which is kinda dramatic. A proper actress who can do comedy at the same time, in other words. With Episodes, Love Soup, and a variety of other roles under her belt, Tamsin Grieg fits this role perfectly.


Abed - played by Danny Pudi
British counterpart – Sandi Toksvig

We picked another Nordic comedian. Sandi Toksvig should be in everything.


Shirley - played by Yvette Nicole Brown
British counterpart – Dawn French

They have the same voice! Listen to them both and see if you disagree. We looked for female comediennes who looked like they'd give you a good, strong hug. And Dawn french sprung to mind almost instantly.


Annie - played by Alison Brie
British counterpart – Sharon Horgan

Sharon Horgan stars in a series of TV shows, including The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret and Pulling. She can do proper roles. She can do humour. She is good at acting. She is AMAZING at comedy. Plus she has brown hair. How perfect!

Troy - played by Donald Glover
British counterpart – Noel Fielding

A very popular comedian who sings, does sketch comedy and writes extensively for other shows, Donald Glover only has one contemporary who comes to mind. Noel Fielding. The energetic half of The Mighty Boosh is massively popular right now, especially on the internet. He has more female fans than male fans, just like Glover, and has a surprisingly wide range of voices and characters.


Chang - played by Ken Jeong
British counterpart – Omid Djalili

Think of a smart comedian who can look completely crazy on a whim. You're thinking of Omid Djalili. The role of Chang requires a witty, intelligent, charming comedian to act like a total mental jerk every week. Omid has shown with some of his film work that he is not only absolutely mad at times, but he can be mad, a jerk, and kinda likeable.


Pierce - played by Chevy Chase
British counterpart – Michael Barrymore

Michael Barrymore is somewhat disgraced from the British comedy scene, despite being a brilliant personality and great comedian. Chevy Chase was in the same role before Community, and is now starting to recover his career. What do you think, guys?

Should American Heroes Be American?

The list of American heroes is long and filled with people whose names resonate across the very fabric of time and space. From Spider-Man to Green Lantern, from Jack Bauer to House, they are all.... well, you get the idea. None of America's biggest heroes are actually played by Americans. Spider-Man and Batman are British, Green Lantern is Canadian or something, and even President Obama is secretly from Africa (but don't tell anyone). Why are so few Americans being given American parts? Why are they forced to take on roles like Sherlock Holmes if they want to play an iconic role? American jobs for American people! British jobs for British people.

Superman is not American. It's well-known that he comes from the Marlonbrandoverse, a dark place where everyone talks with their mouth full and you can't quite tell what's happening but everyone seems reverential. Well... really he's from outer space, but then again so was Marlon Brando. So the appointment of a British guy as Superman isn't a bad thing at all. The problem here, which fans have not really pointed out yet, is that Clark Kent - Superman's racist alter-ego - *is* American. While Superman presumably speaks like a Mafia don, Clark Kent is designed to be a steretypical human and so bumbles, stumbles, and indeed mumbles his way through life. With an American accent. Superman sounds like an overrated actor, while Clark Kent sounds American. This is how it has always been.

So why haven't the studios cast an American to play Clark Kent? Well, for one thing, the most iconic thing about Superman is how pathetic his disguise is. A single pair of glasses and a tie immediately stop the most recognisable face on the planet from being, well, recognised. If suddenly Superman started to display even a small amount of self-awareness regarding disguising himself, it would be declared out-of-character and comic fans worldwide would stampede. For another thing, American actors should be glad that they're finally starting to escape typecasting.

Spider-Man, Clark Kent - these very American heroes all have one thing in common: they're idiots. Peter Parker spends all his time pining after a woman who is IN LOVE WITH SPIDER-MAN. There's an easy way to reconcile that, Peter, if you just stop and think about it for a few minutes. Likewise, Wolverine is a grumpy bugger with no sense of personal space, while Green Lantern Hal Jordan is a chauvinist. Let's look at these characteristics: loser, misanthrope, misogynistic, paranoid, pessimistic. Are these the characteristics of an American, or of a British person?

Superheroes are a lot like stand-up comedians. While they look awesome when they're performing, they are often broken hollow shells of a person, mental and rabid. Why would any American actor want to do that, when British people have been playing mental and rabid characters FOR YEARS? Alan Rickman should've been Batman. Sean Bean could've been Captain America. Heck, who could be a more perfect Wonder Woman than Helen Mirren? British people have been typecast as villains for too long. It's only fair that now we get to portray dumb, unlikeable, self-serving superheroes like Mr Fantastic.

How Does The Offside Rule Work?

Ladies and gentlewomen, I come from the internet but also from a place called Wakefield, which is in Yorkshire, which is in England, which is in the British Isles, which is in America. It is a rough mining town, where children are forced to go up chimneys from an early age. Not because we wish for them to become sweeps, you understand, but because children should be heard screaming loudly for rescue and not seen. The only respite anyone gets from the daily bouts of crying and scratching out bits of coal which have embedded themselves in our skin is the thrill of football.

No no, not American football! Because that isn't a real sport. We're talking about actual football, soccer, english rules, which is only marginally more of a real sport than American football and ranks somewhere below skateboarding and intermediate darts in terms of high-brow cultural gatherings. The sport sees twenty-two people of undetermined intelligence kick a round spherical ball at each other until it eventually lands inside an area called "the goal". Every time it lands in the goal of the opposing team, you win one point. As this is quite a difficult thing to do when there are eleven people opposing you, the makers of the game decided to be generous and give people 90 minutes in which to attempt the kicking of the ball into the goal. And that's basically what football is.

The one thing that makes football stand out from the sporting crowd is The Offside Rule. This is a rule which has gone down in infamy for centuries as impossible to understand for anyone without a Y chromosome, and also for people who have one of said chromos. It is a complex and complicated rule, which varies and changes in accordance to the smallest of universal alterations. If someone in the crowd eats a hot dog, the rule works one way. If that same person chose to eat a pie instead, then a completely different application for the rule comes into place. The slightest change in the colossal picture of mankind has a dramatic effect upon The Offside Rule. BUT! Fear ye nay, as I am not only speaking in the style of an 1840's peasant but I am also about to explain The Offside Rule for you. It will improve your life!


If there are twelve people on your team you are not playing football correctly eliminate one person from your team The Offside Rule equals the movement of players across the field of play in accordance to the positioning of the ulterior tactics of the opposing teams who must remain in position unless told to cross themselves by their manager when the linesman sees players moving in the incorrect fashion he is allowed to lift his flag and claim for foul play, at which point a free kick is offered freely to a willing player from the other team if the goalkeeper is at the halfway line this will greatly diminish his ability to stop goals from being scored when the ball is kicked across field towards the goal there must be a player stood looking at te ball while facing forwards at the opponent's goal and if he is not there but a striker for the first team is there then a free kick is offered as punishment for this is not how football should be played however if none of your team are stood in your half of the pitch then anything goes and chaos will reign if there are three people stood between the person using the ball and the goalkeeper then everything is fine unless two of the defending players have previously moved to be ahead of this person but standing behind him, at which point the referee must make sure that a free kick is offered because this is a violation of The Offside Rule.

Do you morons get it yet??

Making Up Jokes About Barack Obama

Generally Wilftonville stays out of American politics because we don’t approve of living in an America-centric universe. There are other countries, and the majority of them are way better than America is. Or at least, more consistent in their beliefs. Walk from one state to another in America and you’ll find that whereas your Jesus-ignoring, ethnic-approving, gay-marriage supporting self is highly beloved in the one, your beliefs will cause the residents of the other to actually hunt you down with pitchforks. America is an odd country. Racists live next to liberals, and one of the largest states is run by an Austrian. And on top of all this, they drive on the wrong side of the road (what UP, Australia?)

However, seeing as there is only one new president every four years in America unless the current president is a republican, it’s worth looking into this “Obama” feller to see what’s really going on. Barack Obama, in case you were unaware, is not completely white. In fact, there is a whole half of him which could be described as “not white”. This is quite the turn-up for the books, because everyone outside of America assumed that all states were racist. It turns out that the USA happens to be startlingly not prejudiced anymore (nobody would call it liberal, yet, but it does seem to be heading that way, which is pleasing) and ready for “change”. And “hope”. Because that’s what Obama was promising. During the five-year election process he has constantly referred back to these two words as part of his platform, and they’ve worked out for him far better than Hilary Clinton’s “woman” and “sexism” words or John McCain’s use of “POW” and “necktie”. Why he thinks that quoting a form of Batman attack will help him in politics is anyone’s guess, as everyone knows what happens when politicians get involved with the Caped Crusader.

Pictured: A Fool.

It’s clear from his speeches that Barack Obama is an eloquent individual, and as this is unheard of for a politician the media have decided to jump on this and proclaim him to be the resurrected body of Jesus, which will annoy all deluded Christians (Jesus was white! They shout) and force all Rastafarians to smoke more. Well, perhaps the media aren’t that obsessed with him, but they do seem to think that there is nothing about the man which is mockable at all. Previous President George Bush was an international laughing stock (although we all laughed as quietly as possible, in case he tried to bomb us) and of all the other World leaders – Berlusconi, Brown, and so on – only Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy seem to be seen as genuinely decent at their job. Sarkozy, being French, doesn’t have to do much to impress anyone but Obama is in charge of a country which everyone can admit is pretty darned important. And it looks, at this point in time, like he’s going to do a good job.

This is great for America – good luck with everything, and all – but it does mean that it’s damnably hard to think up any good jokes about the man. He’s dignified and clever, but also witty and seems approachable to the average person. Where’s the humour in that? When you add to our woes with the simple truth that Obama is black, it means that it’s going to be seriously tough to say any jokes about him without coming off as a racist. Or ironic. It’s a massive problem which has been mentioned all around the World by many different comedians as something which they struggle with – Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, Marcus Brigstocke, among others have all worried that there are no good Obama jokes around.

There are many solutions to this problem, but because this is a blog we’ll only talk about the least obvious and most convoluted one: we have to start making up stuff about Barack. For example, did you know the following facts about Barack are all absolutely true?

1. At college he studied drama.
2. His favourite kind of animal is the llama.
3. He has no tolerance for a self-harmer.
4. My Name Is Earl is his favourite show, because it’s all about karma.

With these four facts in our possession, we can start arranging jokes based about Obama which will be hilarious. Let’s try one on, based on those four facts:

“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Barack”
“Barack who?”
“I’m Barack from watching My Name Is Earl!!!!”

On top of this absolutely stupefying jubilant joke, nobody has yet realised that Obama’s initials are “BO”. Did you know that “BO” is also the abbreviation for ‘body odour’? Because it is! What a superb joke you could make from that, comedians of the world! We don’t stop here either, as Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. That means that any Hawaii 5-O jokes you might have are applicable to him! Yes! Can’t you see? There is so much on offer for you here, and you don’t even realise it yet. This is just the beginning. Do you know any good jokes that could be made up about Barack Obama, America’s forty-somethingth President? Write them in the comments section below, and let’s see if we can’t build up a collection for later use.

And who knows? Perhaps he’ll shatter the American economy and ruin the country. What a great day for jokesters that’ll be!

The Top Ten Christmas Films OF ALL TIME

10: It’s A Wonderful Life

Synopsis:

James Stewart is a very nice man he is so nice that everyone else walks all over him and then he gets very depressed because of this so he meets an angel.

Our Take:

We didn’t know much about this film until very recently - it’s always cited as a film that everyone can enjoy, but those sort of films usually end up to be Papist Propaganda that nobody really enjoys. There are films which everyone claims to like, you see, even though they aren’t very good. The Godfather is an example of a film like this. Well put together, well acted, and boring boring boring boring! We were wondering it ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ would be the same, seeing how it’s in black and white and all that, but it turns out that is actually is quite a nice film. Not excellent (the ending peters out), but rather nice indeed. And you don’t even care that it’s in black and white!


9: Gremlins

Synopsis:

A boy gets a pet and he splashes it with water and it gives birth to Gremlins that destroy his town.

Our Take:

We’ve never seen this film, but when you put together a list of anything you need to include at least one thing you’ve never seen but has cult appeal, because then you appeal to a wider demographic. So we’re including Gremlins, because it’s apparently very funny and very anti-Christmas, and including anti-Christmas films is half the point of making a list about Christmas films.


8: A Muppet Christmas Carol

Synopsis:

Michael Caine sees Muppets everywhere he goes and then meets five ghosts who persuade him to stop being so mean all the time.

Our Take:

The best version of A Christmas Carol (although just wait until Thursday…), the Muppets manage to improve the original story by Dickens through their use of mouse puppets. The strangest thing about this film is that the characters – Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo excluded – are all taking it very seriously, for some reason. Miss Piggy and Kermit and Fozzy Bear are all in character instead of being themselves, which is slightly disappointing but still makes for quality entertainment. Add Michael Caine to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a faaaaantastic slice of film magic!


7: A Nightmare Before Christmas

Synopsis:

Halloweentown decides to try celebrating Christmas instead of Halloween despite having no idea what Christmas actually is and then Santa gets kidnapped.

Our Take:

Tim Burton’s animations typically have nothing to do with Tim Burton at all (he didn’t even direct it! What a swizzstick) and so we refuse to put his name in the title. Henry Selick was the director of this particular stop-motion masterpiece, which features a winningly macabre storyline featuring several horror characters like “Jack Skellington” and “Sally”, who is a Frankenstein patchwork woman. And these are the characters we’re meant to (and do) sympathise with. The storyline, which features some terrific set-pieces such as the attempted kidnap of Santa, twists and turns all over the place, and is punctuated by several absolutely ballistic songs (sung by Danny Elfman, yay). It makes for a superb alternative Christmas film.


6: Trading Places

Synopsis:

A rich white man becomes poor and a poor black man becomes rich and it’s all because of two old white rich men so Jamie Lee Curtis gets topless.

Our Take:

Well, there’s some snow in the film, and maybe at one point a Christmas tree? We’ll be honest, this film has about as much Christmas in it as “Groundhog Day” does (when is Groundhog Day, actually? Maybe it is near Christmas.) but we’ll forgive it that because it’s a fun little film that actually makes use of both Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy. Those two are talented, but you wouldn’t know it to look at their film career. In this film, anyway, we have two old men who decide to engage in some social experimentation – like Davina McCall! – and give money to a poor man and bankrupt a rich man, to see how they react. In doing so, they set off a chain-reaction which ends with blackface and gorillas. It’s everything a Christmas movie should be.


5: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Synopsis:

No idea; but it’s awesome.

Our Take:

Just so very, very, awesome. And the Christmas setting means that Michelle Monaghan gets into this outfit:



But her aside, the film also features Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer working together on some sort of detective case. We have the film on DVD, it’s a favourite here at Wilftonville so we’ve watched it several times… we still don’t really get what’s going on. And again, there isn’t that much Christmas in it. Do you feel cheated? We certainly do. To make up for it, we’ll make sure that the top four are all Very Christmassy Indeed.


4: Home Alone 2 Lost In New York

Synopsis:

A small boy takes the wrong plane and ends up in a different country than his family during Christmas and then is chased by two criminals whom he viciously assaults at the end of the movie.

Our Take:

The first film started the trend (shock!) but the second one is unarguably the best of the series, which is now up to something like 6. With that Culkin kid whose name we can’t spell returning, and Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and Catherine O’Hara also in the same film, you know you won’t be going wrong. And this story doesn’t disappoint. Everything is leading up to the point where the two burglars (Pesci and Stern) try to kill off our child hero by entering the building he lives in and snuffing him out, so you could be forgiven for fast forwarding to the last half hour. It’s in watching the various traps unleashed on the villains; which include electrocution, fire, and brick-throwing amongst others; that the film is entertaining. It’s Joe Pesci’s greatest role.


3: Elf

Synopsis:

A boy raised by Santa as an Elf is told that his real dad lives in New York so he goes to New York to meet his dad and is ill-prepared for life in the city.

Our Take:

Will Ferrell was funniest when he was still trying to find a comedic voice for film, and Elf was his breakout role. Hence: funny. He plays the elf of the title, as he heads to New York and tries to reconcile with father James Caan. It’s all very much in the spirit of Christmas, as the film has barely a nasty character in it. The humour is gentle but actually funny (much like Wilftonville itself, of course) and Ferrell’s performance feels earnest and real. Sadly, he’s lost that recently, as all Hollywood comedians must in order to fit in. But the highlight of the film is Zooey Deschanel, who is charming and delightful throughout the whole film, and even gets the chance to sing a few times. Elf is a film anyway can enjoy, fact.


2: Die Hard

Synopsis:

Terrorists take over a building and hold everyone hostage but luckily Bruce Willis is also in the building and he kills them all and it’s also Christmas.

Our Take:

This is a film which every list has to include, because then they can say “oh well remember – it’s set at Christmas!” It’s one of the oldest facts that exist, and everyone knows it. For the sake of consistency, then, we’re going to include it in the list even though it’s not really a Christmas film at all. What it is, however, is a stonking action pie with fist-punching truffles and a side of explosive cream. “Explosive Cream” – if ever there was a good name for a band…
But yes, Die Hard is one of those films which gets better each time it’s watched over, and Bruce Willis has rarely been more out-of-his-depth and superb. Plus he hangs this one German guy, but the German guys survives and comes back at the end and is all “kablammo!” but then this other policeman is like “no way, punk!” and shoots him back. It’s so cool.


1: Jingle All The Way

Synopsis:

A man wants to gets a present for his son to prove that he isn’t a bad father but the toy is sold out across most of the World and he can’t find it anywhere and then he starts getting desperate.

Our Take:

The best Christmas film of all time? Oh Wilftonville, you merry purveyors of sexist gags, you’re having us on surely? This must all be some sort of joke! NO. Jingle All The Way is one of the best films ever made, and Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better as he fights a city for possession of a crappy toy his son wants. The fact they haven’t made the sequel yet is proof enough that Arnie needs to get the hell out of politics and back into movies: it is essential that he gives us more of the Quality Christmas Fun that can only be found when one man needs a Turboman Doll.


Seriously: great film.... or greatest film ever?

Heroes: How To Fix It

What an awful show ‘Heroes’ has become. It started two years ago, at a time when Lost had, ahem, lost the way and was floundering about with barely any scenes featuring Locke, Sayid or Desmond at all. As Lost was going nowhere quickly, people jumped on Heroes because it was fun, moved quickly, and answered the questions that were asked of it with an impressive regularity. No four-toed statues there!

But as time has gone on, Lost has become absolutely awesome and Heroes has experienced perhaps the fastest slide into awfulness that has ever been seen on television. The characters no longer make any sense, the ongoing plots are bizarre and only work because the writers say so – and oh yeah, the writers. They seem to have no idea about what continuity is and they thought Nathan Petrelli (arguably their best character, and played by Adrian Pasdar – who is easily the best actor on the show) should be turned into a Christian. They shot him at the start of this year, y’know, and then had him be healed by a character with healing powers. Oh, but then the healing guy turned out to only exist in Nathan’s head, and wasn’t actually around. So, uh… who healed Nathan? That’s just one example of the many, many continuity errors which the writers bathe in weekly.

It’s easy to criticise Heroes. In fact, I’ll do so once more if you don’t mind – why do they kill off the characters played by decent actors? Healing cheerleader Claire can’t seem to ever get killed off, but so far this season they kill off the guy who played ‘Sark’ on Alias AND Veronica Mars? That’s not entertainment! But here I go again, complaining about the show without offering any ideas of my own to help fix it.

Well, actually I can fix it. In five steps. Want to know how I’d do it? Of course you do! Here we go:

Step 1: Kill off all the overpowered heroes, such as Sylar and Arthur Petrelli, and Claire. There’s no suspense if half the cast are immortal. Kill them off!

Step 2: Bring in a new hero, played by Nathan Fillion. Nathan Fillion’s power on the show will be that he is awesome, and he’ll carry a gun around at all times.

Step 3: Fire the rest of the cast. They are getting in Nathan Fillion’s way and stealing valuable airtime that should be devoted to Nathan Fillion.

Step 4: This show has poor writers. You know who is a good writer? Joss Whedon! Hire him to be the new show-runner of the programme. If you have to bribe him with the promise that he can have a musical episode once every season, so be it.

Step 5: Give Nathan Fillion a spaceship to fly around in, and hire a new cast of brilliance character-actors who can live on the spaceship with Nathan Fillion. I suggest Alan Tudyk, Adam Baldwin, Gina Torres and Summer Glau to be among the new cast-members.

You see? In five simple steps, we have taken the show, reworked it significantly, and come out the other side with something fantastic and entertaining for all. Who wouldn’t want to watch this show, where Nathan Fillion has a gun and flies around on a spaceship with his friends?


NBC Executives: I know you probably feel bad about the concept of stealing ideas from your favourite blog, but seriously – just do it. I won’t even mind.

Why I Don’t Trust The Jews

A lot of Americans recently believed that Barack Obama was a Muslim, and that because of this he shouldn’t be allowed to become the awesome new President of the USA (or as we call it in Europe, ‘Disneyland’). This Islamophobia is not something that the Americans alone are guilty of, though – Britain seems to be obsessed with it. At least, the papers are. Every day the worthless newspapers spread panic about how the Muslims are going to take over all our jobs because;

A: They are ASYLUM SEEKERS. Agh! Asylum seekers!
B: They are trying to destroy the very fabric of British society which first enticed them to migrate over here
C: (They do the jobs better than British workers do)

Option C is not one you’ll see the papers mention very often. We’re not too bad though, overall, just as long as you don’t visit Bradford. Ever. In the Middle-East, I’m led to believe that apparently the Muslims are getting into wars with each other and other religions! That’s quite extreme indeed. It seems that The Muslims are not appreciated properly by the World. I sympathise with you, Muslim community.

At the same time the Christians are under attack from that Dawkins feller. He doesn’t think that people should base their lives around the writing of one book, and if you read his ‘The God Delusion’, available at many good book stores, he will advise you on how best to live your life away from the glare of religion. Mostly, he is not happy with Catholics. And why should he be? Those people have been going away once a week to those sinister-looking church buildings for years and years now. They’ve got something in mind, heed my words, and for centuries now they’ve been planning it for two or so hours a week. Also, they don’t like abortions – what kind of weirdo doesn’t love a good abortion?

But I’m not here to talk about the faults of Catholics and Muslims and Atheists. I’m here to talk about the real issues. I always have been, in a way. It’s just that you’ve never understood before what my posts about ‘X-Men’ and ‘How To Get Famous Women To Sleep With You’ were really about. They’re allegorical! I think that the main problem with society today is that it is doing too much worrying about Catholics and Muslims, and not enough worrying about Jews.

For one thing, did you know that all female Jews are surgically modified when they reach a certain age? The process is called a Bat-Mitzvah, and during it the girls are given a pair of wings to use, and an inbuilt sonar system. With these powers the girls then are able to fly around at night, drinking the blood of cows and peasants. Why isn’t the media reporting this?

It doesn’t end there. One thing that’s been bothering me for quite some time are the hats that Jews wear. These hats are sanctioned whenever they go into their place of worship, and you will not see a Jew in a synagogue without one. Nobody else seems to realise that these hats are resistant to telepathic intrusion, which means that the giant satellites the Government have in space are unable to read the minds of Jews once they start worshipping. There is a mental black spot above and around each Synagogue. What is it that the Jews see or think about in Synagogue that they need to keep secret from the rest of the World? Why isn’t the media reporting this?

And finally, the thing most Jews are known for: their fame. It’s long been known that Hollywood is run by Jews, gays, and Jewish gays (who have the most power of all), and that they use their power to influence the country. They have control over the entire population of California, for one thing (not the gays: they just suspiciously lost their ability to marry recently – another Jewish plot?), and their expansion is slowly taking over the rest of the two US coastlines. They have taken over the film industry, the TV industry, the music industry, and the media. Why isn’t the media repor- oh.

Jewish people must be stopped.

Globally Loved Sports Britain Does Not Care About

After watching the British public make the quickest about-turn since the Krauts saw us advancing into the Rhineland in ’44 (sorry) whilst watching the 2008 Olympics, it struck me that Britain simply doesn’t care less about a lot of the sports you see other countries playing. We didn’t care less about the track-and-field in China until we realised that we weren’t failing for once, which brought us together as a nation in an attempt to write Christine Ohuruogu’s surname correctly on our Union Jack flags. We came round eventually to the whole idea of the World coming together to celebrate diversity and culture and sport – but only once we started winning.

There are so many other sports that could do with a bit of the same. Around the World, countries celebrate a variety of sports that nobody in Britain cares less about – most of the time, we have a reason, but in some cases it’s just snobbery that keeps us away from such activities. Snobbery, of course, being one of the things Britain is best at, alongside sarcasm, irony, humour, and making a decent fish and chips. We also have a handful of sports that we really love and accept – where would we be without Rugby, Football, Cricket, and Horse Riding – and some sports which we grudgingly accept for a few weeks until any British competitors are eliminated (tennis). Those aside though, we don’t really try much new stuff, which is probably for the best of the country: we don’t want to start playing sissy sports that give Prince Philip a heart-attack.

I have barely done any research about any of them, so most of the facts presented here are, as ever, probably incorrect, but here we will list several sports which millions of people follow fanatically. We don’t care about any of them.


American Football
The National Sport Of: America

What Is It?

American football is rugby, which has been spiced up with the addition of halftime shows and cheerleaders, and wussed up with the addition of extensive body armour for each competitor alongside rules which give the audience more scrums and less running for their money. Each team has to get the ball from one side of the field to the other without being tackled or ‘sacked’ by a member of the other team. You are allowed to kick or throw the ball to other players, and you score points each time you cross the line at the end of the other team’s end of the pitch. The game is split into four quarters, and lasts an hour overall.


Why Doesn’t Britain Care?

Nobody in Britain cares about either of these sports, because we already have variations of them for ourselves, thank you very much. In the case of American football, we already have two superior versions of the sport which we play at home anyway, those sports being rugby league and rugby union respectively. I can name for you right now, American Readers, why this sport bores us, and shall do so with immediate effect:

• American football is played in 10 yard sections, instead of being played as a free-for all race to the finish. If a player advances to the next section, the game apparently seems to restart at the beginning of that section, so you don’t get to see much movement over the course of a match.
• The players only play for fifteen minutes at a time, instead of the forty minutes halves that rugby players experience. As such, going to a game of American football appears to be more about good company and beer than it is about watching sport.
• If we want to have good company and beer whilst a sport nobody cares about goes on in the background, we’ll simply go to the pub and watch Italian football.

With rugby, nobody wears much protection at all, and when you couple this with the British weather, this makes for a much greater potential that horrific violence will soon occur. That’s why we watch the sport. Also, in America I believe that the football players are held to be the dim ones, who get into university because they are good at sport and not because they are clever. In Britain, the rugby players tend to be the posh, smart ones who go to the private schools – so we get to watch posh people get beaten up! We love that.

Another reason why Britain is never going to care for American football, despite everything it throws at us, is the fact that because it calls itself “football”, we’re not allowed on the internet to call our sport – the real sport, because we invented it first – football. Instead, on Wikipedia and around the internet, we’re forced to refer to it as ‘soccer’. Damn you! And just for that, we shall never watch your “super bowl”. It’s not petty to be annoyed about something if you’re on the side of Good, which Britain always has been.

I Will Be Friends With You, Big Oil

There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?

This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.

Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”

In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.

Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.

Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .




It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.

In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.

The Problem With Children Nowadays

I’d like to stir up trouble. There are lots of famous bloggers out there who get watched through every minute of their typing days, and I’d like to get knocked up onto their rung of the Internet ladder (at the top are LOLcats. I never said the Internet ladder was fair!) alongside all the cool Bloggers. To do so though, you need to really grab the attention of the World. You need to say something that will get everyone talking – and the best way to do this, in my case, is to say something so terribly horrific that the Daily Mail organise a stoning expedition to my home in protest. So with that in mind, I’d like to talk about child killings.

Got your attention yet, World? Yes, I am intrigued by child killings in Britain. Recently, there have been many, many murders amongst children in my country, and the worst thing about it all is that a lot of these murders are performed by other children. Gun crime and knife crime are presumably on the rise, although I have no research or inclination to prove such a thing. But I have SAID IT, so it is TRUE. Children used to go and strangle their talking Elmo doll when they were angry – nowadays they go and find something less red and furry (I am here referring to 'other children', in case you didn’t comprehend my elaborate metaphor at this stage). It is a bad thing, certainly, and we should all try and stop it.

But how can we? There’s nothing we can do to keep children off the streets of Britain and at home in front of the TV where they belong, because they have “free will” and “human rights”, which are nonsensical liberal ideas which aid terrorists in their quests to do whatever it is that terrorists like to do (terror, right?). So firstly, we cannot do anything to the children to stop them. Secondly, we cannot do anything to the parents, because parents are immune to all forms of emotion. It’s been tried many a time, but there is almost nothing that can persuade a parent to keep their child indoors. It’s a lost cause, you might say… but if you do say this, then you clearly haven’t heard of my new idea to save children from themselves, have you? It’s very simple, really.

Let all the paedophiles out of prison.

This will have an overwhelmingly positive effect on the nation. There are, off the top of my head, at least four things that allowing this to take place will achieve:

1: It will encourage parents to look after their children better, and in the process make parenting more important.
2: It will provide employment to ex-convicts, thus giving them useful roles within society.
3: Children won’t be so eager to go outside and stab each other anymore.
4: It will help us with overcrowded prisons that are a drain on the economy.

Now, I’m not saying that the murdering paedophiles should be let out, or anything – I’m just talking about the hobbyist paedophiles. I don’t want a spate of child murders on my hands! Ha! But seriously, and I’m not just saying this for the huge spike in reads that it will bring my blog, mostly from bemused Daily Mail readers and inland Americans (“howdy” to “y’all”), we should definitely consider letting the paedophiles out of jail. I’m not saying this to be offensive! I’m just thinking of the children, that’s all. In the long run, this will help the country.

As a side-effect, however – I’m looking at both sides of the coin here, don’t worry. I’m like Two-Face, in this regard – enacting this might help send the BNP to Downing Street. So if we are going to free the paedophiles, we’re going to have to think of a way to stop the BNP from capitalising on our idea and making it seem “wrong” and “immoral”. My solution here is simple: We fill Parliament with paedophiles.

Honestly, there is absolutely no problem with society that can’t be fixed with paedophiles.


....See you on Technorati, everyone!

Reasons I’m Not Voting For Hillary Clinton In The Upcoming Democratic Primary

1: I’m highly sexist.
2: Hey dark, piercing eyes make me cry at night.
3: I don’t trust her.
4: Her hair never moves.
5: Barrack Obama has a silvery voice that makes me tremble all over when I hear it.
6: Hillary Clinton believes in the Death Penalty without having any public reservations about it.
7: Clinton's Wikipedia entry is much harder to navigate than Obama's entry.
7: I’m not American.

Why America Should War With Mongolia

My personal stance on war is: it should only ever be against parasitic alien bugs. No fighting between humans should be allowed, because if we’re ever invaded by aforementioned alien monsters, we’ll need to team up to kill them all off. But yet, in this specific instance, I feel we should allow America just this one little war.

You see, America have never properly won a war, in my opinion. Sure, they were on the winning side for WWII, but they were barely involved in that one properly at all – twas the Russians reeeeeeeeally. And England (not Britain) too, naturally, because England is the most heroic nation on Earth even though technically we’re not actually a nation but shut up. They had that Independence Battle against us, but we let them win that one because we had bigger things to deal with. Namely, saving all of Europe from Napoleon. So yes, we gave them that one. In the years that have gone by though, America has been just itching to have a proper war that they can win, on their own, to make themselves feel better about not being able to pronounce the word “aluminium” correctly. They went over to Vietnam for reasons I don’t quite understand (although I believe that the President was forced into this war by Oliver Stone so he could have a career), and lost that one, and they are currently slightly maybe perhaps not quite winning in Iraq. I don’t want to make any guesses on that one, it could go either way.

And now America is looking over at North Korea and Iran with narrowed eyes, whispering something about “goddamm foreign yuppies” and preparing to attack them. To this I say: do not do it, America! You lost against Vietnam, right, and they don’t even have nuclear weapons! How are you going to do against countries that slightly maybe perhaps do? Don’t even go there! The rest of the World doesn’t want you to go over and attack these countries – this is ALL YOU. We know, alright? It’s been a long time since you won a battle, and your actors barely ever win Oscars anymore cos of Australian and Brit actors, and you’re still jealous you never invented the Beatles… but there is another way to save face.

Attack Mongolia.*

Mongolia has a proud history – Genghis Khan used to be in charge of that place, and once upon a time you couldn’t walk in a straight line for bumping into Mongol warriors. They’re a pretty cool nation, that owned a lot of the World for a long period of time, but the thing is - they are no longer any good at fighting! Their army has sucked for centuries now! Heck, I bet they haven’t even got steam power yet, let alone nuclear capability! Go attack them! You can go over, bomb the hell out of them, and then stroll back into the UN building with a cigar, smiling, and tell everyone else “hey guys, guess who just themselves won a war, eh?” Wouldn’t that be fun? Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re all Buddhists or something, so you can release all that pent-up racism you’ve been storing ever since you realised that Muslims don’t believe in Christ. And the Buddhists will forgive you. It’s in their religion.

So as far as I'm concerned, what's stopping y'all?


*I’m sorry, Mongolia. Nothing personal.