Life Lessons We Can Take From Comic Book Characters In "The Beano"

The Beano was and is a very popular comic for children, and most people in Britain as they’ve grown up have picked up a copy at one point in time. In our crazy, backwards and heroic country, it’s even more popular than internet porn or Rachel Stevens. The characters in the comic were madcap and filled with life, ranging from Dennis The Menace’s black hair and stripy shirts prophesising mayhem to Ivy The Terrible’s rampage-fuelled toddler nightmares. From page to page, there was more anarchy compiled in a weekly Beano than in anything Johnny Rotten has ever done (although of course he is incredibly corporate and a massive sell-out so this means little) yet for every laugh gained from seeing someone annoying getting hit with a custard pie, there was a moment which taught us vital lessons about how to live. It’s fair to say that The Beano has taught British children how to behave for the past fifty-odd years, with no signs of stopping.

At Wilftonville, we see everything as an opportunity to write a list-based article. It’s our bread-and-butter, with the crusts cut off because nobody likes the crusts so why do they even exist mysteries never cease. With this, we decided that there would be no finer way to spend our time than to read through a backlog of Beano issues in order to pick out one specific life lesson we learned from each separate strip contained within. The results are highly shocking, unless you already predicted what we were going to say. In that case, you should head straight to the comments section and hurl insults.


Roger The Dodger

Roger spends all of his life trying to avoid doing his chores. To try and get out of having a bath or walking the dog, he tends to devise incredibly intricate ‘wheezes’ which he weaves around everyone in the vicinity, drawing them into a complex web of lies which leaves everyone feeling used and dirty at the end. Typically, Roger will get away with his wheezes, although sometimes he catches himself out and has to suffer the consequences. In a very real sense, Roger’s constant attempts to distance himself from work echo that of the politicians in charge of the country. There are incredible problems with the World right now, but all the public ever seems to get are different cries of helplessness from the people we put in charge of our society. It’s a darn shame. However, Roger also has a charming streak in him, and is a personal favourite character. If you read Roger’s adventures and want to understand better how to live your life, you’ll find everything you need right in front of you. He is a proactive person.

Moral: You Make Your Own Luck


Minnie The Minx

Minnie wins most of the time, as well. A pug-faced ginger cow who screams and argues all the time, she is meant to be seen as the female equivalent of Dennis The Menace but comes across to the reader as awful. Just awful. She stamps her feet and asks horribly to everyone, and quite often she gets away with it.

Moral: There Are No Ramifications For Being A Bitch


Calamity James

The comic strip most kids would try to skip, if they could. Calamity James was probably one of the most detailed and tightly-jokepacked strips in the Beano, but at the same time it was filled with really horrible things. Snot and vomit and everything creeped into most panels, as the main character suffered an increasingly nasty series of mishaps. He’s get beaten up, hurt himself, get into awkward situations and generally have a nasty time all the time. Reading the comic required a strong stomach and a powerful disposition towards the eternal bitch slap that is delivered by the hand of fate. There was never an escape from the pain for James. Every week brought forth fresh horrors for him, which he could never escape. It was a horrible thing to have to read every week, but I think it’s made the nation a lot stronger in character. Also, it genuinely was very funny.

Moral: Life Is Tough And Fate Is Unavoidable


Billy The Whizz

This moral wasn’t very obvious to the casual reader, but if you tend to be the sort of person who likes to research anything before they read it, you’ll have noted what links Billy Whizz to the dark side of the law. Yeah, his surname. The character was famous for being able to run at extreme speeds across the country, which would often cause problems for his family which he’d then have to try and fix. It also made it exceptionally hard for his poor parents to make him have a bath (not washing is a recurring theme in the Beano). But how did he get this power? It certainly wasn’t through a fitness regime of any kind.

Turn then, to his name. Billy Whizz. Whizz. Whizz is the slang term for amphetamines, a drug also known as speed. Oh, well then, I suppose you can see now why Billy Whizz is a bad influence on the children, eh? Of course it isn’t Wilftonville’s place to judge people who do drugs – that’s what Odin is for. But Billy Whizz was totally doing drugs for the whole time he appeared in the Beano, and he wasn’t even repentant, and there wasn’t ever a single panel where he suffered from extreme cramping or muscle spasm. As such, it can only be concluded that drugs are full of win.

Moral: Drug Up


The Bash Street Kids

One of the Bash Street Kids wears a pair of glasses. If he takes off the glasses, he is blind.
Another of the Kids is fat. He likes to eat. He eats all the time, and can’t be stopped.
Wilfred wears a jumper which covers his mouth, and is quite short. As a result, he never talks.

Moral: Judge A Person Upon Their Appearance


Ivy The Terrible

We hear that Ivy doesn’t have her own page anymore, but instead shares one with Dennis The Menace’s sister, Bea. That’s not much of a shame, because nobody ever really cared much about her anyway. Oooh! Controversy! Ivy is a toddler who drives her dad absolutely round the bend with her antics, which we recall usually amounted to her smashing everything. Why would she do this? Is it because she is a toddler? No! She’s actually about as intelligent as any of the other, older characters you’ll find in the Beano. She only smashes because she wants. And when she gets what she wants, she is happy. Quickly it dawned on a generation of children that causing excess damage to property was the best way to get them a Happy Meal for tea.

Moral: Work For What You Want


Dennis The Menace

The main character in The Beano was Dennis The Menace. He lives up to his name, declaring war on the police and the postman (a somewhat unfair move, but still) as well as his schoolteacher and parents. Nobody is safe from his ways, but nobody is less safe than his homosexual neighbour Walter The Softie. Walter organises picnics for his friends, who are called names like Dudley Nightshirt, Jeremy Snodgrass, Softy Matthew, and likes flowers and being friends with girls. Dennis rebels against all of this, and attacks Walter with a vengeance only usually seen when Mel Gibson is denied a drink at the local Jewish pub. The clean, well-dressed Walter is shown no mercy.

Moral: Beat Up Homosexuals

The Top Ten Christmas Films OF ALL TIME

10: It’s A Wonderful Life

Synopsis:

James Stewart is a very nice man he is so nice that everyone else walks all over him and then he gets very depressed because of this so he meets an angel.

Our Take:

We didn’t know much about this film until very recently - it’s always cited as a film that everyone can enjoy, but those sort of films usually end up to be Papist Propaganda that nobody really enjoys. There are films which everyone claims to like, you see, even though they aren’t very good. The Godfather is an example of a film like this. Well put together, well acted, and boring boring boring boring! We were wondering it ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ would be the same, seeing how it’s in black and white and all that, but it turns out that is actually is quite a nice film. Not excellent (the ending peters out), but rather nice indeed. And you don’t even care that it’s in black and white!


9: Gremlins

Synopsis:

A boy gets a pet and he splashes it with water and it gives birth to Gremlins that destroy his town.

Our Take:

We’ve never seen this film, but when you put together a list of anything you need to include at least one thing you’ve never seen but has cult appeal, because then you appeal to a wider demographic. So we’re including Gremlins, because it’s apparently very funny and very anti-Christmas, and including anti-Christmas films is half the point of making a list about Christmas films.


8: A Muppet Christmas Carol

Synopsis:

Michael Caine sees Muppets everywhere he goes and then meets five ghosts who persuade him to stop being so mean all the time.

Our Take:

The best version of A Christmas Carol (although just wait until Thursday…), the Muppets manage to improve the original story by Dickens through their use of mouse puppets. The strangest thing about this film is that the characters – Rizzo the Rat and Gonzo excluded – are all taking it very seriously, for some reason. Miss Piggy and Kermit and Fozzy Bear are all in character instead of being themselves, which is slightly disappointing but still makes for quality entertainment. Add Michael Caine to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a faaaaantastic slice of film magic!


7: A Nightmare Before Christmas

Synopsis:

Halloweentown decides to try celebrating Christmas instead of Halloween despite having no idea what Christmas actually is and then Santa gets kidnapped.

Our Take:

Tim Burton’s animations typically have nothing to do with Tim Burton at all (he didn’t even direct it! What a swizzstick) and so we refuse to put his name in the title. Henry Selick was the director of this particular stop-motion masterpiece, which features a winningly macabre storyline featuring several horror characters like “Jack Skellington” and “Sally”, who is a Frankenstein patchwork woman. And these are the characters we’re meant to (and do) sympathise with. The storyline, which features some terrific set-pieces such as the attempted kidnap of Santa, twists and turns all over the place, and is punctuated by several absolutely ballistic songs (sung by Danny Elfman, yay). It makes for a superb alternative Christmas film.


6: Trading Places

Synopsis:

A rich white man becomes poor and a poor black man becomes rich and it’s all because of two old white rich men so Jamie Lee Curtis gets topless.

Our Take:

Well, there’s some snow in the film, and maybe at one point a Christmas tree? We’ll be honest, this film has about as much Christmas in it as “Groundhog Day” does (when is Groundhog Day, actually? Maybe it is near Christmas.) but we’ll forgive it that because it’s a fun little film that actually makes use of both Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy. Those two are talented, but you wouldn’t know it to look at their film career. In this film, anyway, we have two old men who decide to engage in some social experimentation – like Davina McCall! – and give money to a poor man and bankrupt a rich man, to see how they react. In doing so, they set off a chain-reaction which ends with blackface and gorillas. It’s everything a Christmas movie should be.


5: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Synopsis:

No idea; but it’s awesome.

Our Take:

Just so very, very, awesome. And the Christmas setting means that Michelle Monaghan gets into this outfit:



But her aside, the film also features Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer working together on some sort of detective case. We have the film on DVD, it’s a favourite here at Wilftonville so we’ve watched it several times… we still don’t really get what’s going on. And again, there isn’t that much Christmas in it. Do you feel cheated? We certainly do. To make up for it, we’ll make sure that the top four are all Very Christmassy Indeed.


4: Home Alone 2 Lost In New York

Synopsis:

A small boy takes the wrong plane and ends up in a different country than his family during Christmas and then is chased by two criminals whom he viciously assaults at the end of the movie.

Our Take:

The first film started the trend (shock!) but the second one is unarguably the best of the series, which is now up to something like 6. With that Culkin kid whose name we can’t spell returning, and Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern and Catherine O’Hara also in the same film, you know you won’t be going wrong. And this story doesn’t disappoint. Everything is leading up to the point where the two burglars (Pesci and Stern) try to kill off our child hero by entering the building he lives in and snuffing him out, so you could be forgiven for fast forwarding to the last half hour. It’s in watching the various traps unleashed on the villains; which include electrocution, fire, and brick-throwing amongst others; that the film is entertaining. It’s Joe Pesci’s greatest role.


3: Elf

Synopsis:

A boy raised by Santa as an Elf is told that his real dad lives in New York so he goes to New York to meet his dad and is ill-prepared for life in the city.

Our Take:

Will Ferrell was funniest when he was still trying to find a comedic voice for film, and Elf was his breakout role. Hence: funny. He plays the elf of the title, as he heads to New York and tries to reconcile with father James Caan. It’s all very much in the spirit of Christmas, as the film has barely a nasty character in it. The humour is gentle but actually funny (much like Wilftonville itself, of course) and Ferrell’s performance feels earnest and real. Sadly, he’s lost that recently, as all Hollywood comedians must in order to fit in. But the highlight of the film is Zooey Deschanel, who is charming and delightful throughout the whole film, and even gets the chance to sing a few times. Elf is a film anyway can enjoy, fact.


2: Die Hard

Synopsis:

Terrorists take over a building and hold everyone hostage but luckily Bruce Willis is also in the building and he kills them all and it’s also Christmas.

Our Take:

This is a film which every list has to include, because then they can say “oh well remember – it’s set at Christmas!” It’s one of the oldest facts that exist, and everyone knows it. For the sake of consistency, then, we’re going to include it in the list even though it’s not really a Christmas film at all. What it is, however, is a stonking action pie with fist-punching truffles and a side of explosive cream. “Explosive Cream” – if ever there was a good name for a band…
But yes, Die Hard is one of those films which gets better each time it’s watched over, and Bruce Willis has rarely been more out-of-his-depth and superb. Plus he hangs this one German guy, but the German guys survives and comes back at the end and is all “kablammo!” but then this other policeman is like “no way, punk!” and shoots him back. It’s so cool.


1: Jingle All The Way

Synopsis:

A man wants to gets a present for his son to prove that he isn’t a bad father but the toy is sold out across most of the World and he can’t find it anywhere and then he starts getting desperate.

Our Take:

The best Christmas film of all time? Oh Wilftonville, you merry purveyors of sexist gags, you’re having us on surely? This must all be some sort of joke! NO. Jingle All The Way is one of the best films ever made, and Arnold Schwarzenegger has never been better as he fights a city for possession of a crappy toy his son wants. The fact they haven’t made the sequel yet is proof enough that Arnie needs to get the hell out of politics and back into movies: it is essential that he gives us more of the Quality Christmas Fun that can only be found when one man needs a Turboman Doll.


Seriously: great film.... or greatest film ever?

It's Hard To Be A Man

At Wilftonville we recognise the inferiority of women. Not many sites will admit to being so forward-thinking as we are, but this is because most sites have a history of fascism.

"Fascism: nobody on the internet seems to know what it means."

Whenever men and women get into a fight about which gender has it worst, the conversation inevitably turns to the idea of childbirth. Women have to go through with it for nine months (the pregnancy, not the birth itself) without any way of transferring the pain and general irritation over to the men-folk. Apparently giving birth is quite the painful experience, and women are not happy about the fact that they have to do it. And because they do, this means that they have some sort of monopoly on persecution complexes. We can’t stand for that!

Women may feel pain in childbirth, sure. There’s no way of knowing for certain. However, due to the screaming that women do on television whenever they do a birth scene, men will just have to assume that something painful is going on there. Let’s not fight about this. But the problem is that all women seem to be under the belief that childbirth is the most painful thing that could ever happen to a person, when in reality it barely scrapes into the top ten. Men have been far too chivalrous to tell women that their complaints are ill-justified, but a time has to come when every secret gets revealed to the World, and the time has come for this one to be told.

In childbirth, women push their legs apart and think of England (unless they are not English, in which case they think of something pagan) and a baby comes out a few hours later, if all goes to plan. Now that’s pretty nasty, but how often does a woman go through the process in her life? Maybe two or three times, generally speaking, although many others don’t have any children at all. Or have fourteen. But the women who have fourteen babies are obviously enjoying the whole process, and so can’t be counted into the equation. Most women give birth maybe two or three times. They are one-off moments which don’t come around very often. For men, there is something much worse that happens, and society has been too quiet about this for too long. It needs to be said.

Society wants men to set their faces on fire.

There, it’s been said. Society as a whole is aimed towards making sure that men burn themselves hideously around their face at least once in their lives. But where’s the evidence for this, you wonder? Well, let’s first take stock of what nature does to male faces. For no apparent reason, if you take a man out into the wild for more than a few days, he’ll come back with facial hair all over his lower face. Unless the man is still hilariously undeveloped, that is. But most men will return with a warm coat of hair all around their chin, cheeks, and nose. Is there any logical reason for why hair grows here? No! It’s a completely irrational - some would say ‘dick’ - move on nature’s part.

That’s nothing to do with society, though. What is part of society is the notion that if a man shaves, he should cover his face with aftershave... after... he shaves. Again, there is no reason provided for why men should have to do this. And yet: did you know that aftershave is flammable? It says on the bottle that if you put near a naked flame, the thing will explode! So what’s being said is that if a man doesn’t have a beard, he should instead have a face covered in flammable substances?

Why does society want men to set their faces on fire?

As a side-note: this week I’m writing all my articles one after another on the same night, and at the moment it’s gone well past three in the morning. This will provide amusing narcoleptic humour for all of you, if things go well. If things go badly, I may cause a diplomatic incident which will result in my quiet elimination at the hands of covert nerdy operatives of the Government. I welcome either outcome.

How To Save Children In Need

If your immediate thought after reading that title was “oh good! I like helping needy children, because it’s the morally correct thing to do” – leave. You’re useless, and this blog is not written for people like you. Go join a volunteer shelter or something. You see, we’re not talking about dying kids here. We’re talking about ‘Children In Need’, the TV fundraiser.

Every year, the show, which is shown on BBC1 and takes up a whole evening of programming, makes a whole lot of money for dying children all across the UK. It’s a good cause, certainly, and this year they gathered over twenty million on the night. However, this money came at the cost of human entertainment, as viewers were forced to watch several half-baked ideas brought to life in the name of showbiz variety. Among the many broken ideas that came to our screens was a ten-second (it felt) preview of the next Doctor Who Christmas Special, a visit by Gok Wan to Coronation Street which went nowhere, a similarly pointless crossover between Top Gear and Ashes To Ashes, and two shorts (and we mean short) skits from the casts of Merlin and The Royle Family. Each time something was announced, it brought about at least a bit of excitement among the audience watching, but almost every single part of the show disappointed. The featured moments - a great Strictly Come Dancing section aside – were flat and boring; the brilliant Terry Wogan wasn’t getting any support from his audience as he went about presenting; Tess Daly had to hold together the show on her own (which she just about did), and overall the night disappointed.

So here are our ideas for how to improve Children In Need, and make it a show which can rival Comic Relief (a fundraiser which routinely makes over forty million pounds on the night). We think with these ideas, the show will vastly improve.

The Set:
1: Get Terry Wogan a sofa. The presenters have to stand for the entirety of the show, which just feels mean. Give them a sofa area where they can sit and talk to guests in-between links. It’ll save Terry’s legs, and he won’t then spend so much time complaining about his knees.

2: Bring back the second-floor. The show used to have a set of stairs which led to a balcony, from which the presenters could introduce the acts, who performed on the dancefloor below. Bringing it back will make the show feel much more contained, as at the moment the studio is far too big, and not enough is going on in it.

The Presenters:
3: Give Terry less to do. If you put Terry Wogan in front of a crowd, he’ll start improvising. It’s how he works. And that’s also partly why we all admire him, but… You need to take him out of proceedings more. Don’t send him into the crowd, don’t have him greet every act once they’re finished performing their songs. If you keep him from the audience, they will respond more whenever he does appear. It’s like the inevitable Graham Norton appearance on Comic Relief: he’s an inspired presenter if you don’t put him onscreen for hours on end.

4: Switch presenters around. As a part of #3, the presenters should be paired up and given slots of their own. Like Comic Relief! It brings more identity to the show, and you can have more child-friendly presenters on at the start, before going more adult as things move along.

5: No more Fearne Cotton. Personally, Wilftonville dislikes her. But on top of that, nobody wants to go backstage – it ruins the mystery of what will happen next if we have interviews with Duffy held, apparently, in a corridor.

6: Gaby Roslin. We want her back! Or at the very least, give us some more variety with who presents. Why can’t we have any middle-aged, female presenters? Grr, BBC!

The Show:
7: The first hour should be presented by Dick and Dom, and should feature lots of custard pies, gunge, mess, and mayhem. It’s fun!

8: Work on the ideas properly. You have a year to set up your ideas, so once you’ve decided that the cast of The Bill should sing songs by The Blues Brothers, work on it more. Don’t give up as soon as you establish the concept. Work on it more, decide what should happen, and when, and give the thing more structure.

9: No regional programming! Don’t cut to county-specific sections so we can see a group of teachers in Leeds get their hair shaved off for charity. It’s boring.

10: You own the shows, BBC. Dr Who, Merlin, The Royle Family – you should be able to do more with them than two-minute sections. You don’t need to work a reference to your mascot Pudsey into each one; so let the writers do something silly and fun with the cast, and let them have more than two minutes running time. The Doctor Who sections you had last year, and the year before – those were perfect.

11: Tone down the actors who sing. Sure, it’s lovely that they can do this, but we don’t need to have seven or eight acts where a soapstar sings a showtune. Get them to do something with more variety, instead – why not have them do some shadow theatre, or mime for a bit?

12: Cut the last two hours. They’re completely surplus, and it forces you to start recycling bits you’ve already shown. Cut them, and streamline the show so you space out the goods bits more smartly.

13: More variety, overall, please. Singing and dancing is all well and good, but how about some comedians? The BBC has so many sketch show people at the moment, so why not commission some special sketches from them all? It spices things up.

14: Bring in more of your shows. Quiz shows, perhaps? They’re always decent value for money – the BBC2 programme that comes on while the main show breaks for the news is almost always one of the best parts of any Children In Need Night.

15: Stop asking us to give you money. We get the idea. Also, the idea that you ‘need’ the money? I’d rather you ‘would like’ it. Seems like a nicer thing.

16: Paul Daniels. We need MOAR magic on the BBC.

The Problem With Children Nowadays

I’d like to stir up trouble. There are lots of famous bloggers out there who get watched through every minute of their typing days, and I’d like to get knocked up onto their rung of the Internet ladder (at the top are LOLcats. I never said the Internet ladder was fair!) alongside all the cool Bloggers. To do so though, you need to really grab the attention of the World. You need to say something that will get everyone talking – and the best way to do this, in my case, is to say something so terribly horrific that the Daily Mail organise a stoning expedition to my home in protest. So with that in mind, I’d like to talk about child killings.

Got your attention yet, World? Yes, I am intrigued by child killings in Britain. Recently, there have been many, many murders amongst children in my country, and the worst thing about it all is that a lot of these murders are performed by other children. Gun crime and knife crime are presumably on the rise, although I have no research or inclination to prove such a thing. But I have SAID IT, so it is TRUE. Children used to go and strangle their talking Elmo doll when they were angry – nowadays they go and find something less red and furry (I am here referring to 'other children', in case you didn’t comprehend my elaborate metaphor at this stage). It is a bad thing, certainly, and we should all try and stop it.

But how can we? There’s nothing we can do to keep children off the streets of Britain and at home in front of the TV where they belong, because they have “free will” and “human rights”, which are nonsensical liberal ideas which aid terrorists in their quests to do whatever it is that terrorists like to do (terror, right?). So firstly, we cannot do anything to the children to stop them. Secondly, we cannot do anything to the parents, because parents are immune to all forms of emotion. It’s been tried many a time, but there is almost nothing that can persuade a parent to keep their child indoors. It’s a lost cause, you might say… but if you do say this, then you clearly haven’t heard of my new idea to save children from themselves, have you? It’s very simple, really.

Let all the paedophiles out of prison.

This will have an overwhelmingly positive effect on the nation. There are, off the top of my head, at least four things that allowing this to take place will achieve:

1: It will encourage parents to look after their children better, and in the process make parenting more important.
2: It will provide employment to ex-convicts, thus giving them useful roles within society.
3: Children won’t be so eager to go outside and stab each other anymore.
4: It will help us with overcrowded prisons that are a drain on the economy.

Now, I’m not saying that the murdering paedophiles should be let out, or anything – I’m just talking about the hobbyist paedophiles. I don’t want a spate of child murders on my hands! Ha! But seriously, and I’m not just saying this for the huge spike in reads that it will bring my blog, mostly from bemused Daily Mail readers and inland Americans (“howdy” to “y’all”), we should definitely consider letting the paedophiles out of jail. I’m not saying this to be offensive! I’m just thinking of the children, that’s all. In the long run, this will help the country.

As a side-effect, however – I’m looking at both sides of the coin here, don’t worry. I’m like Two-Face, in this regard – enacting this might help send the BNP to Downing Street. So if we are going to free the paedophiles, we’re going to have to think of a way to stop the BNP from capitalising on our idea and making it seem “wrong” and “immoral”. My solution here is simple: We fill Parliament with paedophiles.

Honestly, there is absolutely no problem with society that can’t be fixed with paedophiles.


....See you on Technorati, everyone!

Five Ways To Impress A Primary School Student (Part 2)

Four: Make A Pencil-Sharpening Rosette

All children spend half their school-life sharpening a pencil. While in the classroom, the chance to get up and leave behind your maths papers filled with strange things like fractions is all too rare, so most children will wait until most of their pencils are worn down (or if they are slightly criminal, will snap the leads off personally) before trundling over to the bin to get their sharpen on. Several children will usually go at once, prompting discussions of what they are planning on doing during break-time (inevitably the response is “run at things”) and competitions. Who can sharpen a pencil fastest, who can make their pencil the sharpest – this is traditionally judged by a third child who stabs the others to see who screams loudest – and this. Making a rosette out of the sharpening. The concept here is that as you sharpen the pencil, you don’t let the sharpening get cut off, so it curls round into a few layers and forms a rosette. It’s a difficult thing to do, one that requires much practise, but if achieved will get you much credit from both girls and boys.

Why This Impresses Children:

Children have a basic need to ignore doing work. It is as biological as the disgust all men feel when they see a fat woman, as an example. Or when men see a pregnant woman, or a woman who cuts her hair too short. There are many different ways that men are turned off women, is the point here and they all correlate to how children are turned off working. If you can do something that not only shows off an impressive skill that not everyone can do; AND helps them to waste time legitimately, then children will hold you dear to their hearts forevermore. One way to up this, however, is to have a pencil which is made up of about ten different leads that pop up out the top and fit in through the bottom. Over-elaborate stationary is fascinating to children, for the same reason – it provides them with something to look at during class that isn’t English grammar.


Five: Buy Them Things

Naturally, parents grow tired of having to perform tasks and show off in order to gain the respect of their kids. This is why children were created by whatever it is that lurks ‘up there’ (although as the world is spherical, the idea of something living ‘up there’ is a little outdated, wouldn’t you say?) with the single personality affliction that is universal: they want things. Most importantly, they want the things that are on the other side of the TV screen or shop window, which have big flashy price labels on them and which hopefully have articulated parts to them. Every child has always wanted these, from the girl who wants a Barbie Campervan which has a working sink to the boy whose Action Man can fire a missile from his crotch. Or sweets. Sweets are always a good thing as far as children are concerned. Buy them sweets, and they will love you for a long time. For ultimate love, however, you can buy one of two things. For a boy, buy them a games console with one super-violent game attached. For a girl, buy them a pony which they only have to go and see every two or three months and don’t have to look after. You’ll be their best friend forever.

Why This Impresses Children:

Don’t analyse it! Just go with it!

Places You Shouldn’t Be Taking Your Infant Baby

No 3: McDonalds

You’d think that taking your infant to McDonalds would be the preserve of the chav, scav, and people from Manchester, but the sad reality is that the middle class are the most guilty of this sin. It’s a way for them to win cheap affection from their kids by buying them a happy meal which not only saves them the hassle of having to cook a meal, but also gives them license to eat a McFlurry. And parents are suckers for those ice-creams. I have nothing against people who take their children to McDonalds once in a while (the McNuggets in particular I highly recommend), but why do adults, smart and rational ones at that… why do they take infants to McDonalds? All the babies ever do is cry as their mum (you rarely see a dad in a McDonalds, surprisingly) looks on out the window. Nobody is happy in this situation! Just don’t do it! If you go anywhere with your kids, screw the McDonalds entirely and go to Subways instead.


No 4: A French Market

I’ll admit that that last section there was a piece of filler so I could justify this half of the blog entry. French markets! I have had the dubious pleasure of going to markets around the world, and you can see the cultural identity of every race from the way they organise a market. African markets tend to specialise in cheap knock-offs of famous brands whilst Australians rock a market the same way they rock everything else, with surf-boards and glowsticks among the things you’ll find on sale. Inevitably there will be a basket-stall too, with a grumpy old woman weaving miserably whiles smoking something of dubious legality. British markets are dull and dismal affairs, much like the people, selling bags of sweets and rugs. We also have on offer the most singularly depressing mix of charitable second-hand toys you will find the World over, from people trying to sell old Happy Meal toys through to “beanie babies – beanless” and jigsaw puzzles with no pieces (build the rest yourself from cardboard! Fun for the whole family!) French markets, in contrast, are the most vibrant of all. People wander round offering free samples of anything, there are cool gadgets and mimes and people who sit on the floor and paint things for you to buy! It’s great fun… so long as you don’t invite your children along.

Any child under the age of twelve will be petrified at a French market. Y’know why? Because the French have no concept of what is - and what isn’t - an attractive display to lure customers. What they do have is a horrifying constitution that allows them to eat pretty much anything that moves. Mix the two together, and you get this:

Keep your children the hell away from French markets.

Five Ways To Impress A Primary School Student (Part 1)

One: Climb A Tree

There is nothing more impressive to a young boy (or girl, for that matter, but they have to be tomboyish), than to meet an adult who can climb trees. So obviously, it pays to be able to do so. Being an adult completely changes the way you have to adapt to the tree: although you are now taller and have a greater reach, you are heavier, thus rendering it impossibly difficult to climb some of the trees you used to scale effortlessly when you were young. The art of tree-climbing is a difficult and tempestuous one, which abandons those who cannot master it and leaves them grounded, alone, and tearful.

Why This Impresses Children:

Things that children aren’t allowed to do: climb trees. Doing something that your parents says is bad is riotously good fun, whether it be reading after bedtime or forming a hardcore opium addiction. Thus, to see an adult who not only doesn’t care if they climb or not, but also joins them in the trees is an exciting experience, and leads to what I call “Uncle Dave Syndrome”. This is when a Uncle, let’s call him Dave, joins in with you when you tell poo jokes to your friends or lets you drink a bit of his beer when mum or dad isn’t looking. He’s the coolest guy ever, right? The same thing applies here.


Two: Make a Daisy Chain

Whereas boys prefer rugged activities like climbing and rolling down hills and punching the weak kids, girls like more to sit in small groups under said trees, on said hills, and isolating said kids. If you join them at one of their little soirees, you’d better have something interesting to offer them or they’ll move on and leave you sat alone, wondering where your childhood charm has gone (note: you were not as charming as you thought you were in Primary School. Logic dictates that you were an ass). The pretext for these meetings is to design daisy chains, where you pick daisies and make holes in the stems so they link together and form little bracelets. While doing this, girls are free to talk about whatever they want, most likely the cuteness of Bobby Baxter, the amiable goalkeeper for the school football team.

Why This Impresses Children:

It’s actually pretty difficult to make a daisy chain, and the ability to do so is rightly held as a yardstick for how talented you are as a person. It also shows that you are the kind of grown-up who can listen to children and actually care about the prattling crap they come out with. Children love thinking that what they say is important, and you can’t delude them into thinking these thoughts unless you can get into their group. It’s an initiation process, essentially, and the only way you can get around doing this is to claim hay-fever. Girls think that hay-fever is a legitimate disease that can kill people, so they’ll let you off if you start sneezing.


Three: Own A Pet That Does Tricks

If you take a child round to a new house, they will be incredibly bored (as they should be: leave your kids out of your social life, weirdo) unless this new house belongs to someone who owns a pet. If there is a pet, they will be endlessly entertained for hours and never want to leave. Pets are great things indeed, adorable bundles of fur with cute eyes and, traditionally, a peppy attitude to match. Pets who do tricks are just that little bit more special, however, as they do things that you tell them to. Take for example the dog who retrieves a ball you throw into the distance – how much more interesting is that than a dog who sits on a sofa and sleeps all day? I’ll tell you, friends: this is much more interesting. And children love it.

Why This Impresses Children:

The reason why children love an animal that does tricks is because it gives them a feeling of power. If they want to make Rover roll over, then they damn well can, and at any time they want. It’s the first step towards growing up, where kids can abuse power they have over someone who is essentially an inferior being to them. One day they will be able to use this to make Gary from accounts print out an extra copy of the IPS report because he didn’t laminate it the first time round, but for now kids can only be an asshole to pets. Their parents won’t stand for being ordered around, but pets will – and they actually seem to enjoy it. This delusion that things like being ordered around will develop slowly over time in the mind of a child, so that when they get older and start bossing people around, they will truly believe that their co-workers love it. You can’t argue with psychology.

Places You Shouldn’t Be Taking Your Infant Baby

Place 1: An Aeroplane

Nobody prepares a holiday a year before they actually go off on their flight to Spain or Canada or wherever they want to visit, so how come there are so many infants on flights? Nature gives you nine whole month of prep before the baby is born, so booking a flight that will take place within a year of conception is madness. There is literally no benefit to flying your baby over to a new country. Not only will they remember nothing once they grow up, but it’ll cost more money to transport them, and you’ll have to spend almost all your time in this beautiful new place changing nappies and everything you do will have to be carefully structured around naptime. So please, parents of the world, stop taking your babies on flights. Nobody is going to win from this, especially not the people who have to withstand hours of crying onboard the plane whilst the baby tries to understand why their ears just popped. And in a confined space like a plane, this sort of thing tends to build up and build up until everyone on board carries a grudge against you and will happily make your life a hell if they ever see you again. You’re sabotaging yourself more than anything else, parents – stop it.


Place 2: Down a Mine Shaft

Yes, this has really happened to me. If you thought the wailing of a newborn child could not be any more irritating than when experienced in a plane, try listening to the echoing cry of a baby who is in an underground tunnel dripping with damp and without natural lighting. Not one part of a mine shaft would appeal to any baby in their right mind, featuring all the things they try to spend their lives avoiding – darkness, water, the cold, and the working classes. And if you don’t believe that all babies have a fear of the working class, try taking one to an industrial factory and see how much they love it there. The simple fact is that a baby’s call is designed to be irritating to other people, this is how nature works, so imagine what happens when this crying just so happens to be amplified to insane levels by the cave system of the underground. Not pleasant at all. It calls into question the intelligence of a parent that they feel a trip down a mine shaft is something they really must do while they still have the chance, as if once their child has grown up and left home the experience of going down into the tunnels will have waned somehow. Or perhaps the belief is that they wish to see the coal before their eyesight deteriorates as old-age sets in. If this is indeed the case, parents of the world, then here’s a helpful point to keep in mind: THERE’S NOT A BLOODY LOT TO SEE IN A MINE SHAFT. There is no situation in which taking your baby underground would ever clarify being an appropriate way of spending time, so take your child and lump off!

Family Films Which Will Warp Your Child

To celebrate the child in all of us, let’s have a look back at some classic family films, and why they are in fact dangerous and will turn your children into terrifying perils to society. Hurray for liberal ideals taking over the past and ruining your childhood! Hurray for them!


1: Back To The Future

The adventures of Marty McFly were chronicled in what could honestly be called the best movie trilogy of all time. There are no missteps here, no poor third film to drag down the others (see: Spiderman) and the films wrap up perfectly by the time film III is over. The acting is fun and the plots are entertaining, while the jokes work and there are people flying around on hoverboards. This is a film for the ages, and kids are bound to love it – did I mention the hoverboards?

Features: Incest, Rape, Jaywalking

Ah, yes. There are several points in the first film where Marty almost has sex with his mother before he is even born, blowing up the corpse of Freud as he spins in his grave in the process. And yes, we’ll admit this, there is a ‘minor’ rape scene when Biff forces himself on Marty’s mum in a car. She gets rescued, luckily, but not without a few bruises. And finally, Marty breaks the Green Cross Code repeatedly through all of the films, first by skateboarding haphazardly round the town square whilst Biff tries to kill him, and then repeats the same act (on a hoverboard, natch) in film two, narrowly avoiding other cars both times. This can’t set a good message for the children.


2: The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy

Peter Jackson’s trilogy is another which could contend for the greatest film trio in history. It’s aimed mainly at geeks, but children love it too, as they watch Frodo attempt to make his way to Mt Doom (why would anyone name it that?) to destroy a ring. Meanwhile, Ian McKellan watches on and shouts from time to time, wondering what else he has to do before they’ll give him a role in one of the Harry Potter films. It’s a rip-roaring swashbuckler, guaranteed to keep the kids on the edge of their seats.

Features: Depression, Multiple-Personality Disorder, Animal Cruelty

Good point. And don’t forget how they kill off most of the heroes at one point or another. The depression comes from Frodo and the other hobbits, who get seriously bleak as the films go on, before getting happy again, before then becoming really depressed again. Seriously, half the endings to the film (there are many endings to this film, one after another) are all about hobbit depression. And if you want your kid to see all about how multiple-personality disorder affects people, show them this film for an entirely sympathetic view to the plight of sufferers. They’ll learn that anyone who has this has a good side and an evil side, who talk to each other in mirrors (see also: Heroes). The number of animals who die for no reason in the films is pretty staggering as well – in the final film, count how many of the elephants get killed. Harsh, dude.


3: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

A fun film which combines the real world with the world of Disney characters! Roger Rabbit is a hilarious romp for everyone, featuring cute cartoon characters fighting to save their town from the evil villain, all seen through the eyes of grumpy private detective Bob Hoskins. Physical comedy combines with slapstick to give the whole family a treat every Boxing Day, the only day of the year anyone will ever show this film on TV.

Features: Alcoholism, Bestiality, Cartoon Porn.

I forgot about that. This film is a lot grittier than you remember it, people. Bob Hoskins has fallen into alcoholism after his brother was killed (by a falling grand piano – oh, the bitter genius!) and drinks heavily throughout the film. When he’s not drinking himself drunk every third scene, he’s being attacked by smoking weasels (no seriously, they have cigars) or getting pissed off with Roger, himself the most annoying cartoon character of all time, almost certainly. It’s all good, because we know in the end it’ll sort itself out – but what about when Jessica Rabbit shows up? Do you really want your kids to see her, and realise that not only are we meant to fancy this animated character, but that within the context of the film she has sex with Roger Rabbit? Who is, lest you don’t get it, a rabbit? I thought not.


4: Finding Nemo

A cutsey computer animated film from Pixar which explores the lush surroundings of the sea as Nemo’s bedraggled dad tries to find his son, who has gone missing, aided by a gormless fish, some pelicans, and a stoned turtle. They sure do have crazy minds, those writers. The adventure gets really exciting once some sharks come onto the scene, as the search for Nemo starts to become pretty darned intense. Featuring fun and colourful ideas at every turn, what family wouldn’t enjoy sitting down for a while to watch this film?

Features: Death, Parental Neglect, Talking To Strangers

Maybe a family who don’t want to bring up these points into conversation. At the start of the film Nemo’s mum gets eaten – well depressing, by the way – so he is raised by his dad, who is overly protective, right up until the time when he neglects his son and the kid wanders off on his own, gets captured, has all manner of wacky adventures. If this isn’t a bad enough experience to foist on your children, watch in horror as Nemo merrily talks to every single damned thing he meets, and imagine what this is going to mean the next time a drug dealer offers your child some sweeties. It’s not going to end well, is it?


5: Mary Poppins

The biggest family classic of all. Mary Poppins is THE film for any family who want to pass a rainy afternoon, offering lessons in how to make cleaning your room fun (hint: have a magic room that dances for you) or drinking your medicine. That actually may not be too good for your kids if they get their hands on your medicine cabinet, now I think about it. But regardless, this film features pure celluloid joy, with the family learning how to be happier people from Ms Poppins herself, and they dance and sing together and everything’s a jolly ‘oliday for them.

Features: An LSD Trip, Murder

Oh dear. Halfway through, the gang jump into a street painting and magically turn up in a fantasy world filled with singing geese and penguin waiters offering them drinks… If that’s not a sign of LSD intake, then I don’t know what is. When your children ask you “how comes they got inside the painting, dad?” just remember that your answer should not at any point refer to the fact that the street sweeper has probably drugged them so they won’t notice while he molests them (Now THAT is unwarranted slander). Mr Banks gets fired from his job at the bank, so he tells his boss a joke. The boss then laughs so hard that he has a massive heart attack and dies – that’s murder. But the film glosses over this, as Mr Banks gets his job back afterwards and everything ends happily. Except for the bank manager’s family, of course.

10 School Subjects That Are Pretty Much Total Bullshit

10: Art

Paintings and sculptures are things that, when done right, really can make a lasting impact on society. Having said that, Art lessons are a complete waste of time for anyone who isn’t already good at art. Art lessons are simply a series of humiliations in which the geeky kid who likes manga gets to show off how good he is at drawing dragons made of magma while all the other people struggle to draw buildings in proper perspective. No matter what the teacher does, there is no way you can simply become better at art from revising thoroughly, thus making the subject a harsh lesson in reality – some people are just born good. No way you can compete with that.


9: French

History escapes the list because it applies to everywhere. French can’t even do that. Aside of a few parts of Canada and Africa, the only place you’d ever need to use French is in France, a land famous for cheese, wine, and disdain. No matter how good you get at speaking the language, the French will never forgive you for one mistake you might make, even though they can’t pronounce “the” properly in English, let alone the other words. No, learning French is bollocks, pure and simple. You’ll never need it.


8: PE

AKA: Revenge-time for all the fat kids who don’t understand maths. Rugby becomes a game where the athletic types play and everyone else stands around hoping the ball won’t be thrown at them; hockey is similar but with the added incentive of wooden (or metal!) club pain; if the teacher wants to stay indoors and read the paper, he’ll send everyone off on a cross-country run from the warmth of the staffroom. And for what benefit? All it does it keep children in shape, something they’ll never have to be in the Real World, when they hold down an office job and sit on their computer all day restructuring spreadsheets.


7: ICT

Nobody uses every part of Microsoft Office. Word I can understand, for writing essays/entries for critically acclaimed blogs, but Excel? Outlook? Who needs such things? I’ll tell you who: boring people. And why do children need to be taught how to use these things, anyway – the only places that require you to use complicated applications generally give you a course in how to do so before they take you on. For most children, ICT lessons are generally spent surfing the internet when the teacher is on the other side of the room.

6: DT

Design and Technology is an extended chance for children to injure themselves in a series of new and exciting ways. However, before they get to the fun part they have to spend months filling out cripplingly dull pieces of paper about ergonomics and profit margins. If anything, having DT lessons actually lessens the number of people who take up DT as a career. There would be far more designers if the subject was dropped, thus making DT totally bullshit.


5: Geography

Anything taught in a Geography lesson could also be learnt from reading about it in an Atlas. The capital of Portugal – in the Atlas. The population of China – in the Atlas. If you want to learn Geography – buy the friggin’ Atlas.


4: RS (or RE, whatever)

Leaving aside the whole part where a lot of the population of the World doesn’t actually believe in religion, RS spends most of the time reminding students of how other people are different. The Jews have crazy festivals like Passover where they eat strangely named stuff from a big bowl, and Muslims go spend all their time walking round a big black cube. Boy, those fellers sure are different! And the worst thing is, you don’t get to spend any time reading about the interesting religions. Jesus was hella dull, admit it. He just walked a lot and told stories. Dull, dull stories. Zeus – now there is a God! He’s all up shooting thunderbolts at people he didn’t like! Why Greek and Norse Gods aren’t taught in RS lessons is inexcusable to me, and so, for cultivating racial tensions, RS is BS.


3: Music

If someone has an ear for music, that’s a beautiful thing. However, in a room of 30-odd students, it’s more than likely that the talented will be overrun by those who can’t work a triangle (which includes me). Thus, in any given lesson about music, roughly 1/5 of the class will be wearing perpetual looks of weary depression, while the others mindlessly jab at note on a keyboard and repeatedly set off the demo function, snickering each time they do it.


2: Science (any)

Every important point made in a physics lesson is already obvious. The fact that things fall when you drop them, that if you push something it’ll move faster than if you left it alone, these are things that everyone already knows. Why do we need to be told why these things happen? The fact is, they do. And we would be happy to accept that, if only physics lessons didn’t repeatedly push reasons at us. Chemistry is a chance to play with acid and fire, and frankly that’s what the army was created for. Biology? Biology I kinda like. I still don’t get why we need to know why plants are green. Can’t we just accept these things and move on?


1: Maths

Thing is, maths is one of the most useful subjects there is… for about two years. Once we’ve been taught how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply, there are only a few more things Maths can teach which isn’t completely useless. Fractions and so on are helpful for some, but the relevance of equations in the real world is negligible. It seems pretty obvious that once children are taught the basics of maths, they should be allowed to only continue the subject if they have an eye on doing something financial as a job. To keep children trapped with trigonometry, probability, and – groan - surds seems like cruelty. Pointless, pointless cruelty. When was the last time you wrote a graph, anyway? Exactly.