Four: Make A Pencil-Sharpening Rosette
All children spend half their school-life sharpening a pencil. While in the classroom, the chance to get up and leave behind your maths papers filled with strange things like fractions is all too rare, so most children will wait until most of their pencils are worn down (or if they are slightly criminal, will snap the leads off personally) before trundling over to the bin to get their sharpen on. Several children will usually go at once, prompting discussions of what they are planning on doing during break-time (inevitably the response is “run at things”) and competitions. Who can sharpen a pencil fastest, who can make their pencil the sharpest – this is traditionally judged by a third child who stabs the others to see who screams loudest – and this. Making a rosette out of the sharpening. The concept here is that as you sharpen the pencil, you don’t let the sharpening get cut off, so it curls round into a few layers and forms a rosette. It’s a difficult thing to do, one that requires much practise, but if achieved will get you much credit from both girls and boys.
Why This Impresses Children:
Children have a basic need to ignore doing work. It is as biological as the disgust all men feel when they see a fat woman, as an example. Or when men see a pregnant woman, or a woman who cuts her hair too short. There are many different ways that men are turned off women, is the point here and they all correlate to how children are turned off working. If you can do something that not only shows off an impressive skill that not everyone can do; AND helps them to waste time legitimately, then children will hold you dear to their hearts forevermore. One way to up this, however, is to have a pencil which is made up of about ten different leads that pop up out the top and fit in through the bottom. Over-elaborate stationary is fascinating to children, for the same reason – it provides them with something to look at during class that isn’t English grammar.
Five: Buy Them Things
Naturally, parents grow tired of having to perform tasks and show off in order to gain the respect of their kids. This is why children were created by whatever it is that lurks ‘up there’ (although as the world is spherical, the idea of something living ‘up there’ is a little outdated, wouldn’t you say?) with the single personality affliction that is universal: they want things. Most importantly, they want the things that are on the other side of the TV screen or shop window, which have big flashy price labels on them and which hopefully have articulated parts to them. Every child has always wanted these, from the girl who wants a Barbie Campervan which has a working sink to the boy whose Action Man can fire a missile from his crotch. Or sweets. Sweets are always a good thing as far as children are concerned. Buy them sweets, and they will love you for a long time. For ultimate love, however, you can buy one of two things. For a boy, buy them a games console with one super-violent game attached. For a girl, buy them a pony which they only have to go and see every two or three months and don’t have to look after. You’ll be their best friend forever.
Why This Impresses Children:
Don’t analyse it! Just go with it!
Showing posts with label Schools. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Schools. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Five Ways To Impress A Primary School Student (Part 1)
One: Climb A Tree
There is nothing more impressive to a young boy (or girl, for that matter, but they have to be tomboyish), than to meet an adult who can climb trees. So obviously, it pays to be able to do so. Being an adult completely changes the way you have to adapt to the tree: although you are now taller and have a greater reach, you are heavier, thus rendering it impossibly difficult to climb some of the trees you used to scale effortlessly when you were young. The art of tree-climbing is a difficult and tempestuous one, which abandons those who cannot master it and leaves them grounded, alone, and tearful.
Why This Impresses Children:
Things that children aren’t allowed to do: climb trees. Doing something that your parents says is bad is riotously good fun, whether it be reading after bedtime or forming a hardcore opium addiction. Thus, to see an adult who not only doesn’t care if they climb or not, but also joins them in the trees is an exciting experience, and leads to what I call “Uncle Dave Syndrome”. This is when a Uncle, let’s call him Dave, joins in with you when you tell poo jokes to your friends or lets you drink a bit of his beer when mum or dad isn’t looking. He’s the coolest guy ever, right? The same thing applies here.
Two: Make a Daisy Chain
Whereas boys prefer rugged activities like climbing and rolling down hills and punching the weak kids, girls like more to sit in small groups under said trees, on said hills, and isolating said kids. If you join them at one of their little soirees, you’d better have something interesting to offer them or they’ll move on and leave you sat alone, wondering where your childhood charm has gone (note: you were not as charming as you thought you were in Primary School. Logic dictates that you were an ass). The pretext for these meetings is to design daisy chains, where you pick daisies and make holes in the stems so they link together and form little bracelets. While doing this, girls are free to talk about whatever they want, most likely the cuteness of Bobby Baxter, the amiable goalkeeper for the school football team.
Why This Impresses Children:
It’s actually pretty difficult to make a daisy chain, and the ability to do so is rightly held as a yardstick for how talented you are as a person. It also shows that you are the kind of grown-up who can listen to children and actually care about the prattling crap they come out with. Children love thinking that what they say is important, and you can’t delude them into thinking these thoughts unless you can get into their group. It’s an initiation process, essentially, and the only way you can get around doing this is to claim hay-fever. Girls think that hay-fever is a legitimate disease that can kill people, so they’ll let you off if you start sneezing.
Three: Own A Pet That Does Tricks
If you take a child round to a new house, they will be incredibly bored (as they should be: leave your kids out of your social life, weirdo) unless this new house belongs to someone who owns a pet. If there is a pet, they will be endlessly entertained for hours and never want to leave. Pets are great things indeed, adorable bundles of fur with cute eyes and, traditionally, a peppy attitude to match. Pets who do tricks are just that little bit more special, however, as they do things that you tell them to. Take for example the dog who retrieves a ball you throw into the distance – how much more interesting is that than a dog who sits on a sofa and sleeps all day? I’ll tell you, friends: this is much more interesting. And children love it.
Why This Impresses Children:
The reason why children love an animal that does tricks is because it gives them a feeling of power. If they want to make Rover roll over, then they damn well can, and at any time they want. It’s the first step towards growing up, where kids can abuse power they have over someone who is essentially an inferior being to them. One day they will be able to use this to make Gary from accounts print out an extra copy of the IPS report because he didn’t laminate it the first time round, but for now kids can only be an asshole to pets. Their parents won’t stand for being ordered around, but pets will – and they actually seem to enjoy it. This delusion that things like being ordered around will develop slowly over time in the mind of a child, so that when they get older and start bossing people around, they will truly believe that their co-workers love it. You can’t argue with psychology.
There is nothing more impressive to a young boy (or girl, for that matter, but they have to be tomboyish), than to meet an adult who can climb trees. So obviously, it pays to be able to do so. Being an adult completely changes the way you have to adapt to the tree: although you are now taller and have a greater reach, you are heavier, thus rendering it impossibly difficult to climb some of the trees you used to scale effortlessly when you were young. The art of tree-climbing is a difficult and tempestuous one, which abandons those who cannot master it and leaves them grounded, alone, and tearful.
Why This Impresses Children:
Things that children aren’t allowed to do: climb trees. Doing something that your parents says is bad is riotously good fun, whether it be reading after bedtime or forming a hardcore opium addiction. Thus, to see an adult who not only doesn’t care if they climb or not, but also joins them in the trees is an exciting experience, and leads to what I call “Uncle Dave Syndrome”. This is when a Uncle, let’s call him Dave, joins in with you when you tell poo jokes to your friends or lets you drink a bit of his beer when mum or dad isn’t looking. He’s the coolest guy ever, right? The same thing applies here.
Two: Make a Daisy Chain
Whereas boys prefer rugged activities like climbing and rolling down hills and punching the weak kids, girls like more to sit in small groups under said trees, on said hills, and isolating said kids. If you join them at one of their little soirees, you’d better have something interesting to offer them or they’ll move on and leave you sat alone, wondering where your childhood charm has gone (note: you were not as charming as you thought you were in Primary School. Logic dictates that you were an ass). The pretext for these meetings is to design daisy chains, where you pick daisies and make holes in the stems so they link together and form little bracelets. While doing this, girls are free to talk about whatever they want, most likely the cuteness of Bobby Baxter, the amiable goalkeeper for the school football team.
Why This Impresses Children:
It’s actually pretty difficult to make a daisy chain, and the ability to do so is rightly held as a yardstick for how talented you are as a person. It also shows that you are the kind of grown-up who can listen to children and actually care about the prattling crap they come out with. Children love thinking that what they say is important, and you can’t delude them into thinking these thoughts unless you can get into their group. It’s an initiation process, essentially, and the only way you can get around doing this is to claim hay-fever. Girls think that hay-fever is a legitimate disease that can kill people, so they’ll let you off if you start sneezing.
Three: Own A Pet That Does Tricks
If you take a child round to a new house, they will be incredibly bored (as they should be: leave your kids out of your social life, weirdo) unless this new house belongs to someone who owns a pet. If there is a pet, they will be endlessly entertained for hours and never want to leave. Pets are great things indeed, adorable bundles of fur with cute eyes and, traditionally, a peppy attitude to match. Pets who do tricks are just that little bit more special, however, as they do things that you tell them to. Take for example the dog who retrieves a ball you throw into the distance – how much more interesting is that than a dog who sits on a sofa and sleeps all day? I’ll tell you, friends: this is much more interesting. And children love it.
Why This Impresses Children:
The reason why children love an animal that does tricks is because it gives them a feeling of power. If they want to make Rover roll over, then they damn well can, and at any time they want. It’s the first step towards growing up, where kids can abuse power they have over someone who is essentially an inferior being to them. One day they will be able to use this to make Gary from accounts print out an extra copy of the IPS report because he didn’t laminate it the first time round, but for now kids can only be an asshole to pets. Their parents won’t stand for being ordered around, but pets will – and they actually seem to enjoy it. This delusion that things like being ordered around will develop slowly over time in the mind of a child, so that when they get older and start bossing people around, they will truly believe that their co-workers love it. You can’t argue with psychology.
Thursday, 21 February 2008
10 School Subjects That Are Pretty Much Total Bullshit
10: Art
Paintings and sculptures are things that, when done right, really can make a lasting impact on society. Having said that, Art lessons are a complete waste of time for anyone who isn’t already good at art. Art lessons are simply a series of humiliations in which the geeky kid who likes manga gets to show off how good he is at drawing dragons made of magma while all the other people struggle to draw buildings in proper perspective. No matter what the teacher does, there is no way you can simply become better at art from revising thoroughly, thus making the subject a harsh lesson in reality – some people are just born good. No way you can compete with that.
9: French
History escapes the list because it applies to everywhere. French can’t even do that. Aside of a few parts of Canada and Africa, the only place you’d ever need to use French is in France, a land famous for cheese, wine, and disdain. No matter how good you get at speaking the language, the French will never forgive you for one mistake you might make, even though they can’t pronounce “the” properly in English, let alone the other words. No, learning French is bollocks, pure and simple. You’ll never need it.
8: PE
AKA: Revenge-time for all the fat kids who don’t understand maths. Rugby becomes a game where the athletic types play and everyone else stands around hoping the ball won’t be thrown at them; hockey is similar but with the added incentive of wooden (or metal!) club pain; if the teacher wants to stay indoors and read the paper, he’ll send everyone off on a cross-country run from the warmth of the staffroom. And for what benefit? All it does it keep children in shape, something they’ll never have to be in the Real World, when they hold down an office job and sit on their computer all day restructuring spreadsheets.
7: ICT
Nobody uses every part of Microsoft Office. Word I can understand, for writing essays/entries for critically acclaimed blogs, but Excel? Outlook? Who needs such things? I’ll tell you who: boring people. And why do children need to be taught how to use these things, anyway – the only places that require you to use complicated applications generally give you a course in how to do so before they take you on. For most children, ICT lessons are generally spent surfing the internet when the teacher is on the other side of the room.
6: DT
Design and Technology is an extended chance for children to injure themselves in a series of new and exciting ways. However, before they get to the fun part they have to spend months filling out cripplingly dull pieces of paper about ergonomics and profit margins. If anything, having DT lessons actually lessens the number of people who take up DT as a career. There would be far more designers if the subject was dropped, thus making DT totally bullshit.
5: Geography
Anything taught in a Geography lesson could also be learnt from reading about it in an Atlas. The capital of Portugal – in the Atlas. The population of China – in the Atlas. If you want to learn Geography – buy the friggin’ Atlas.
4: RS (or RE, whatever)
Leaving aside the whole part where a lot of the population of the World doesn’t actually believe in religion, RS spends most of the time reminding students of how other people are different. The Jews have crazy festivals like Passover where they eat strangely named stuff from a big bowl, and Muslims go spend all their time walking round a big black cube. Boy, those fellers sure are different! And the worst thing is, you don’t get to spend any time reading about the interesting religions. Jesus was hella dull, admit it. He just walked a lot and told stories. Dull, dull stories. Zeus – now there is a God! He’s all up shooting thunderbolts at people he didn’t like! Why Greek and Norse Gods aren’t taught in RS lessons is inexcusable to me, and so, for cultivating racial tensions, RS is BS.
3: Music
If someone has an ear for music, that’s a beautiful thing. However, in a room of 30-odd students, it’s more than likely that the talented will be overrun by those who can’t work a triangle (which includes me). Thus, in any given lesson about music, roughly 1/5 of the class will be wearing perpetual looks of weary depression, while the others mindlessly jab at note on a keyboard and repeatedly set off the demo function, snickering each time they do it.
2: Science (any)
Every important point made in a physics lesson is already obvious. The fact that things fall when you drop them, that if you push something it’ll move faster than if you left it alone, these are things that everyone already knows. Why do we need to be told why these things happen? The fact is, they do. And we would be happy to accept that, if only physics lessons didn’t repeatedly push reasons at us. Chemistry is a chance to play with acid and fire, and frankly that’s what the army was created for. Biology? Biology I kinda like. I still don’t get why we need to know why plants are green. Can’t we just accept these things and move on?
1: Maths
Thing is, maths is one of the most useful subjects there is… for about two years. Once we’ve been taught how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply, there are only a few more things Maths can teach which isn’t completely useless. Fractions and so on are helpful for some, but the relevance of equations in the real world is negligible. It seems pretty obvious that once children are taught the basics of maths, they should be allowed to only continue the subject if they have an eye on doing something financial as a job. To keep children trapped with trigonometry, probability, and – groan - surds seems like cruelty. Pointless, pointless cruelty. When was the last time you wrote a graph, anyway? Exactly.
Paintings and sculptures are things that, when done right, really can make a lasting impact on society. Having said that, Art lessons are a complete waste of time for anyone who isn’t already good at art. Art lessons are simply a series of humiliations in which the geeky kid who likes manga gets to show off how good he is at drawing dragons made of magma while all the other people struggle to draw buildings in proper perspective. No matter what the teacher does, there is no way you can simply become better at art from revising thoroughly, thus making the subject a harsh lesson in reality – some people are just born good. No way you can compete with that.
9: French
History escapes the list because it applies to everywhere. French can’t even do that. Aside of a few parts of Canada and Africa, the only place you’d ever need to use French is in France, a land famous for cheese, wine, and disdain. No matter how good you get at speaking the language, the French will never forgive you for one mistake you might make, even though they can’t pronounce “the” properly in English, let alone the other words. No, learning French is bollocks, pure and simple. You’ll never need it.
8: PE
AKA: Revenge-time for all the fat kids who don’t understand maths. Rugby becomes a game where the athletic types play and everyone else stands around hoping the ball won’t be thrown at them; hockey is similar but with the added incentive of wooden (or metal!) club pain; if the teacher wants to stay indoors and read the paper, he’ll send everyone off on a cross-country run from the warmth of the staffroom. And for what benefit? All it does it keep children in shape, something they’ll never have to be in the Real World, when they hold down an office job and sit on their computer all day restructuring spreadsheets.
7: ICT
Nobody uses every part of Microsoft Office. Word I can understand, for writing essays/entries for critically acclaimed blogs, but Excel? Outlook? Who needs such things? I’ll tell you who: boring people. And why do children need to be taught how to use these things, anyway – the only places that require you to use complicated applications generally give you a course in how to do so before they take you on. For most children, ICT lessons are generally spent surfing the internet when the teacher is on the other side of the room.
6: DT
Design and Technology is an extended chance for children to injure themselves in a series of new and exciting ways. However, before they get to the fun part they have to spend months filling out cripplingly dull pieces of paper about ergonomics and profit margins. If anything, having DT lessons actually lessens the number of people who take up DT as a career. There would be far more designers if the subject was dropped, thus making DT totally bullshit.
5: Geography
Anything taught in a Geography lesson could also be learnt from reading about it in an Atlas. The capital of Portugal – in the Atlas. The population of China – in the Atlas. If you want to learn Geography – buy the friggin’ Atlas.
4: RS (or RE, whatever)
Leaving aside the whole part where a lot of the population of the World doesn’t actually believe in religion, RS spends most of the time reminding students of how other people are different. The Jews have crazy festivals like Passover where they eat strangely named stuff from a big bowl, and Muslims go spend all their time walking round a big black cube. Boy, those fellers sure are different! And the worst thing is, you don’t get to spend any time reading about the interesting religions. Jesus was hella dull, admit it. He just walked a lot and told stories. Dull, dull stories. Zeus – now there is a God! He’s all up shooting thunderbolts at people he didn’t like! Why Greek and Norse Gods aren’t taught in RS lessons is inexcusable to me, and so, for cultivating racial tensions, RS is BS.
3: Music
If someone has an ear for music, that’s a beautiful thing. However, in a room of 30-odd students, it’s more than likely that the talented will be overrun by those who can’t work a triangle (which includes me). Thus, in any given lesson about music, roughly 1/5 of the class will be wearing perpetual looks of weary depression, while the others mindlessly jab at note on a keyboard and repeatedly set off the demo function, snickering each time they do it.
2: Science (any)
Every important point made in a physics lesson is already obvious. The fact that things fall when you drop them, that if you push something it’ll move faster than if you left it alone, these are things that everyone already knows. Why do we need to be told why these things happen? The fact is, they do. And we would be happy to accept that, if only physics lessons didn’t repeatedly push reasons at us. Chemistry is a chance to play with acid and fire, and frankly that’s what the army was created for. Biology? Biology I kinda like. I still don’t get why we need to know why plants are green. Can’t we just accept these things and move on?
1: Maths
Thing is, maths is one of the most useful subjects there is… for about two years. Once we’ve been taught how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply, there are only a few more things Maths can teach which isn’t completely useless. Fractions and so on are helpful for some, but the relevance of equations in the real world is negligible. It seems pretty obvious that once children are taught the basics of maths, they should be allowed to only continue the subject if they have an eye on doing something financial as a job. To keep children trapped with trigonometry, probability, and – groan - surds seems like cruelty. Pointless, pointless cruelty. When was the last time you wrote a graph, anyway? Exactly.
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