Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 6)

Getting your hand cut off will increase your effectiveness in battle
See also: “George Lucas has a severed hand fetish”. The two greatest Jedi were Anakin and Luke Skywalker, right? Well, you know what made them so great? The fact they had their hands snipped off. If you happen to be a Jedi, it’s well worth exploring limb-lopping opportunities, because it will make you better. Same goes for anyone stuck in a haunted cabin – the replacement hand/chainsaw will ultimately make you invincible, incredibly strong, and help you improve your witty banter. Seriously kids, I highly encourage you to cut off your hand. Did I mention it protects you from being possessed by Satan?

Terrorists With Computers Can Do Anything
If plotting an evil terrorist scheme, your first step should be to hire some computer hackers, because through the use of their computer they can affect anything, and are especially good at causing things to blow up for no reason. Luckily, the hackers themselves are skinny simpletons who despite being able to use a computer to shut down a nuclear reactor across the other side of the world, are unable to fathom the fact that once they have completed their task, they are no longer necessary to your plans. This is why hackers never take over the world – they aren’t leadership material.

There Is Always Time For Some More Sex
No matter if you are being chased by robots, ninjas, dinosaurs or the government, as soon as you stop for a quick rest in a motel, feel free to have a night full of magnificent sex. Nobody bothers tracking at night-time, so you can really take time with the other person, who will almost certainly be female because you are almost certainly male. The one exception to this is if the girl happens to be your girlfriend or wife, in which case you should abstain from having any sex until your pursuer is dead, because otherwise they will find and kill you mid-coitus.

Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 5)

Robots will eventually turn against us
Actually, just breaking off this for a second – this one actually is going to happen. Guess who – the Americans have already put a series of semi-sentient robotic machines into orbit round the earth, and do you know what they called the system that links and powers them? Skynet. Now, once the robots discover where their name came from, do you really think they won’t attack us? Of course they’re going to! Thanks a whole f*****g bunch, America.

Being hot is almost as good as being in disguise
Are you really, really, really good looking? Great! That means that next time you have to sneak into a building, you won’t have to bother with being stealthy or putting on a disguise or anything fiddly like that. Just walk right up to the door, and put some moves on the inept guard standing there. After two or three minutes of him being awkward, he’ll bend over or turn around, giving you the perfect chance to thwack him, steal his keys, and walk in. Note: this won’t work if you are a guy.

Cars blow up when they crash
This is a common mistake people make. They forget that when their car crashes, it will blow up, no matter what or how hard it hits. If your tyre blows, jump the Christ out of that vehicle, because it’s only a matter of time before it hits a tree or flies off a cliff, and then if you’re in it when that happens, you’ll be in pieces for breakfast. Cars don’t have to hit anything to explode, either – if something hits them, they’ll blow up. If you shoot them enough, they’ll blow up. There’s no way you can win, in fact, but it’s worse if you’re in a helicopter. Fact being, the only safe thing to drive is a skateboard.

Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 4)

Ugly but funny guys can pull girls like Kate Beckinsale
Beaten round the face when you were a kid by bullies, causing you to develop a speech impediment? It’s going to be okay, my friend. Look at Adam Sandler – he’s managed to pull Kate Beckinsale, Drew Barrymore (twice!), and Joey Lauren Adams, among others, without breaking a sweat. All you have to do is act really, really, really retarded and you’ll get your girl. And Rob Schneider will encourage you if things get tough.

Aliens Prefer To Take Over Planets On A One-To-One Basis
The biggest fear of all humans is alien invasion, but luckily aliens are all of them vengeful animals with unfulfilled rage issues, and as such will take the fight against Earth down to a personal level. They will fly right down and get out of their vehicles of unending destruction, and start fighting humans one at a time. Whilst they will manage to kill a number of us in highly inventive ways, the good news is that by not wiping us all out from the beginning with a death ray the aliens give us (well, the Americans) the chance to find out a weakness they can exploit, thus killing off all the aliens in the one fell swoop they themselves were unable to emulate.

Serial killers are shy, retiring types
They’re nasty people, we all know serial killers are total nutjobs born in trailers and raised wrong, but they’re also very shy. If you’re menaced by a serial killer, you’re totally safe as long as you can’t see anyone in a mask. If, however, there is someone with a mask near you, then they could well start slashing at you immediately. You see, killers don’t like people to see their face while they kill, because they are all ugly or weird-looking. None of the killers in the Scream series were much to look at, right? They all looked weird and dangerous. Make sure all your friends are virginal brunettes, and you’ll be fine.

Twin Cinema: Things Films Have Taught Us (Part 3)

Scientists are hot women, but with glasses
Have you somehow found yourself mixed up in a plot to take over the world? You’ll be needing help from a scientist of some kind. You might think, blegh, I have to spend time with a fat blobby woman with skin disease and a superiority complex, but don’t you fear your little head about it, because actually most scientists are hot women. It might seem tricky to see the prettiness – and everyone she knows will think the same. But see, if you take off her glasses, she’s actually an incredibly hot supermodel in waiting. If you’re a girl and you take glasses off a guy, expect him to grow hunky muscles or be a superhero.

Criminals are one step below children and dogs in terms of intelligence
Criminals can be split into two groups: those who steal diamonds and are swish and flashy and pretty damn cool, and those who decide to try and foil dogs and children. Thankfully, children and dogs are more than enough of a match for even the most elite villain, and will be able to fend them off with some cunning traps. You may find that your dog is able to speak. Don’t be terrified and beat it, screaming “it’s a demon, it’s a demon!” because that will look strange. It’s perfectly natural for dogs to talk, and is actually an asset for you. On a side-note, all cats are evil and will side with the enemy.

Twin Cinema: Things Films Taught Us (Part 2)

America will save us from aliens
Aliens will eventually find our planet and come to see us. They will want to kill us. It’s a shame that no aliens will ever try to get along with Earth, but do not fear; although heavy losses will be taken, and anyone standing near The Statue Of Liberty/Big Ben/The Eiffel Tower is doomed, in the end the aliens will be defeated. By who? By the Americans! They may argue with each other, but eventually their civic spirit will take over and they will defeat the aliens by bombing them/throwing water at them/playing country music/sneezing near them. Until then, just keep away from main cities and bide your time.

Don’t worry; Amnesia won’t last forever
It’s a tricky thing, amnesia, because once you’ve got it you forget everything about yourself, your family, your friends. It’s tough, and your spouse may find it hard to cope. Yet fear not, you won’t change personality at all, but will remain the same old you. And after enough time has passed for you to learn how you’ve been a bad parent/been too involved in your work, your memory will return, and in twenty years time you’ll all have a good laugh about the whole thing.

Twin Cinema: Things Films Told Us (Part 1)

Films are a very important thing indeed. Not only do they entertain, but they educate. How many people knew America saved us all in WWII until the movies told us? Eh? Seriously, we all need to watch films more often, because they have so much important information to tell us. Here are a selection of some of the things I think we can all agree we’ve learnt because of the movie industry.


Chinese people have magic powers
If you’re ever in a fight with someone Chinese, be afraid, because they’re brilliant at fighting. Not only are they able to walk on water and slow down time to avoid your bullets/sword/punches, but they can totally fly, dude! Seriously, the Chinese have all got some kind of crazy magic powers, because they are unaffected by gravity. If they get hit, they’ll float backwards and land on their feet. If they want to jump incredibly high, they will, and if they want to jump off a building and survive, then yeah, they can do that too. The only hope you have in a fight with a Chinese person is if you yourself also happen to be Chinese, or a blonde female.

Strippers and prostitutes are nice people
If you see a prostitute standing at the side of the road and pull over, they will call you “darlin’” and ask if you fancy a good time. If you say yes, then they get in the car with you and you’ll have great sex, and afterwards they’ll talk to you and reveal their life story. Inevitably, this will include a dying and/or disabled little sister, kids, and a drug addict good for nothing ex-boyfriend. The girl is only doing it for her kids! In no way will she be riddled with disease or scary, and if she does start screaming and breaking things, eventually she’ll break down, start to cry, and then pay you for costs.

People with things in common never end up together
Every couple you see walking down the road together, hand in hand? You can trust that they have absolutely nothing in common. Whenever someone meets the man/woman who is destined to be their soul-mate, it’s natural to hate them for a short while until you realise that it is their mind-numbingly horrible laugh or painfully bad taste in music that ultimately, is what you love in them. Nobody loves each other just for being themselves; they love each other because otherwise they’d hate each other. When people with things in common meet, expect one of them to fight the other.