M. Night Shyamalan is a busy man. When he isn’t releasing a stream of films which always feature a twist ending of some sorts, he’s… wait. No. That’s all he does. And Wilftonville isn’t really fond of any of these twists either. It’s all very well and good having them, but at least have ones which are interesting and will entertain people. Over the next few months we’re going to review the endings of each of his films in turn, to see what twists he should have incorporated into the scripts. As such, expect spoilers.
The Sixth Sense:
In The Sixth Sense Bruce Willis plays a doctor whose newest patient, a small boy, can see ghosts. Rather than drown the child for being a witch, Bruce investigates further and then realises he is a ghost and the whole thing is a wind-up. The kid can only see him in the first place because he’s one of the ghosts he’s come to help the kid stop seeing! This is played for farce, and eventually the boy introduces Bruce to a lovely young woman (played by Jennifer Garner) and they fall in love. As Bruce is dead, he has to convince the woman to kill herself by whispering in her ear so she thinks she’s crazy. Evrentually she takes an electric drill to her brain, and she and Bruce live happy ever after. In the ever after.
That’s well boring. Here’s how we think the film should end.
Haley Joel Osment: I can see dead people.
Bruce Willis: I know. Even though it’s impossible, I accept the fact that you can see dead people. Frankly, I find it creepy.
J-JO: Do you want to know my secret?
BW: The seeing dead people thing isn’t your secret?
J-LO: Don’t you wonder how I’m able to see dead people?
BW: I assumed you had spent lengthy periods of time around radiation.
J-LO: No, Bruce. I can see dead people because I am a Werewolf.
BW: Oh.
J-LO: Yeah.
BW: Well that explains everything to my satisfaction. I’m going to go solve my marriage problems now.
J-LO: Alright. See you later, Bruce!
BW: You alright, kid! You alright. Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother Flipper.
Showing posts with label Jennifer Garner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jennifer Garner. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Monday, 29 September 2008
The 100 Greatest TV Show Characters Of All Time (Part 5)
80: Friends: Ross Gellar (David Schwimmer)
The second of the three entrants from Friends (and you already know who the final one is, don’t you?) is a perhaps controversial entry into this list because it means we won’t see Joey or Phoebe or Monica or any of the other characters cropping up. Why choose Ross over the others? Well, it was because of the six characters, Ross was the only one who remained believable. Granted, we all know in real life Rachel would never have gone for him, but that aside Ross kept his character throughout the infinite series of Friends aired, without dipping into caricature. A big dork, Ross could always raise a smile with his endless obsessions, and fascination with the dullest of things. And he was funny, too! Often the butt of the joke, Ross could nevertheless hold his own and hit back when ripped by his friends. And the sight of him playing keyboard is funny, even now.
79: Alias: Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner)
She of the many wigs and costumes, which thankfully always somehow managed to show off Jennifer’s fabulous legs, for which we thank the costume department. Sydney started off the show as a female spy working as a double agent in a devious agency run by the evil Arvin Sloane (and we mean, EVIL). She was tormented endlessly by the writers, who killed off his fiancé in the first episode and then made things go downhill for her, because obviously she hasn’t suffered enough! Her best friend was killed, her love interest and CIA handler Michael was seemingly killed several times, and she herself was close to death on more than one occasion. Yet she always pulled through, and was the ultimate in girl power! Well, until series 4, when the show dipped dramatically in quality. But we’ll always have those first three seasons…
78: Angel: Spike (James Marsters)
Shock! Spike is wayyyyy down on the list! How can this be? Well, in a chart that doesn’t have room for Fred or Cordelia, really Spike can think himself lucky to be here at all. Killed off at the end of Buffy’s TV run, he was unceremoniously (and accidentally) resurrected by Angel during the first episode of the next season as a ghost, who was hilariously bound to follow Angel wherever he went, which naturally caused friction between the two vampires, who had hated each other for a very long time. He eventually got form back, and joined the team, somewhat reluctantly. He undermined Angel at every turn, with his caustic comments hitting home often, causing great verbal exchanges between the two. When we last saw Spike he was still alive, but facing down an army of demons. Did he survive to fight another day? You’ll have to read the comics to find out.
77: Blackadder: Queen Elizabeth I (Miranda Richardson)
“Queenie”, as she was always called, was not the glorious leader we knew from the history books, Blackadder showed us, but in actual fact a spoilt child who delighted in chopping off people’s heads for no real reason. She took childish delight in her “favourites”, who included Walter Raleigh, and Blackadder spent the series attempting to win her favour so she would marry him. Aided by her two advisors Melchett (a gloriously grovelling Stephen Fry) and her nurse… Nursie, she was a voice of insanity in the series, going way OTT whenever she wanted to, with her tantrums aimed at anyone who annoyed her. She was a brilliant character, hilariously silly and pointless, and it’s a shame we never got more of her.
76: Heroes: Hiro Nakamura (Masi Oka)
One of the most recent TV shows to grip America has been Heroes, and of all the characters Hiro is almost certainly the most loved. As the only cast member to embrace his powers from the start, his enthusiasm in his quest to save the world was endearing, and his relationship with best friend Ando was touching. Yet Hiro wasn’t a slacker, he was always faithful in his quest, and throughout the series had several of the best moments (the storyline where he tries to save the waitress who liked him from dying was the most heartbreaking thing). His ability to flash forward meant that he was the hero with the most knowledge of the chain of events that would lead to the ‘exploding man’ which would destroy New York, and it was impossible not to root for him as he tried to stop it from happening.
The second of the three entrants from Friends (and you already know who the final one is, don’t you?) is a perhaps controversial entry into this list because it means we won’t see Joey or Phoebe or Monica or any of the other characters cropping up. Why choose Ross over the others? Well, it was because of the six characters, Ross was the only one who remained believable. Granted, we all know in real life Rachel would never have gone for him, but that aside Ross kept his character throughout the infinite series of Friends aired, without dipping into caricature. A big dork, Ross could always raise a smile with his endless obsessions, and fascination with the dullest of things. And he was funny, too! Often the butt of the joke, Ross could nevertheless hold his own and hit back when ripped by his friends. And the sight of him playing keyboard is funny, even now.
79: Alias: Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner)
She of the many wigs and costumes, which thankfully always somehow managed to show off Jennifer’s fabulous legs, for which we thank the costume department. Sydney started off the show as a female spy working as a double agent in a devious agency run by the evil Arvin Sloane (and we mean, EVIL). She was tormented endlessly by the writers, who killed off his fiancé in the first episode and then made things go downhill for her, because obviously she hasn’t suffered enough! Her best friend was killed, her love interest and CIA handler Michael was seemingly killed several times, and she herself was close to death on more than one occasion. Yet she always pulled through, and was the ultimate in girl power! Well, until series 4, when the show dipped dramatically in quality. But we’ll always have those first three seasons…
78: Angel: Spike (James Marsters)
Shock! Spike is wayyyyy down on the list! How can this be? Well, in a chart that doesn’t have room for Fred or Cordelia, really Spike can think himself lucky to be here at all. Killed off at the end of Buffy’s TV run, he was unceremoniously (and accidentally) resurrected by Angel during the first episode of the next season as a ghost, who was hilariously bound to follow Angel wherever he went, which naturally caused friction between the two vampires, who had hated each other for a very long time. He eventually got form back, and joined the team, somewhat reluctantly. He undermined Angel at every turn, with his caustic comments hitting home often, causing great verbal exchanges between the two. When we last saw Spike he was still alive, but facing down an army of demons. Did he survive to fight another day? You’ll have to read the comics to find out.
77: Blackadder: Queen Elizabeth I (Miranda Richardson)
“Queenie”, as she was always called, was not the glorious leader we knew from the history books, Blackadder showed us, but in actual fact a spoilt child who delighted in chopping off people’s heads for no real reason. She took childish delight in her “favourites”, who included Walter Raleigh, and Blackadder spent the series attempting to win her favour so she would marry him. Aided by her two advisors Melchett (a gloriously grovelling Stephen Fry) and her nurse… Nursie, she was a voice of insanity in the series, going way OTT whenever she wanted to, with her tantrums aimed at anyone who annoyed her. She was a brilliant character, hilariously silly and pointless, and it’s a shame we never got more of her.
76: Heroes: Hiro Nakamura (Masi Oka)
One of the most recent TV shows to grip America has been Heroes, and of all the characters Hiro is almost certainly the most loved. As the only cast member to embrace his powers from the start, his enthusiasm in his quest to save the world was endearing, and his relationship with best friend Ando was touching. Yet Hiro wasn’t a slacker, he was always faithful in his quest, and throughout the series had several of the best moments (the storyline where he tries to save the waitress who liked him from dying was the most heartbreaking thing). His ability to flash forward meant that he was the hero with the most knowledge of the chain of events that would lead to the ‘exploding man’ which would destroy New York, and it was impossible not to root for him as he tried to stop it from happening.
Monday, 11 February 2008
How To Seduce 60 Beautiful Women (Part 5)
Here's the penultimate set of can't-fail chatup lines for celebrities.
11: Amy Acker (actress: Wishbone, Angel, Alias)
[Some variation on a ‘Wishbone’ joke]
Can't fail.
12: Kristen Bell (actress: Veronica Mars, Heroes)
“Can you sense the electricity between us?”
She played a character who could control electricity on Heroes, you see.
13: Emily Haines (singer: Metric)
“I’ll give you more to do in bed than just read, Emily!”
She has a song called 'Reading In Bed', and this line gives her a better option.
14: Anna Friel (actress: Chuck, Goal!)
“Forget the football, I’d be living the dream if I could go out with you”
And again, girls like sweet guys.
15: Sophie Ellis-Bextor (singer)
“Like you, Sophie, I like to shoot from the hip”
Say this in the wrong tone, it will sound weird and wrong.
16: Alyson Hannigan (actress: Buffy, How I Met Your Mother)
“I’ve never met your mother, but after we’ve had a long relationship I’d like you to meet mine?”
This line shows you intend to have a serious relationship, and not just a casual fling.
17: Jennifer Aniston (actress)
“I want to be more than just friends”
She will never have heard this line before in her life, ever.
18: Alison Goldfrapp (singer: Goldfrapp)
[Say whatever you want, but don’t make any ‘Lovely Head’ jokes]
There is a line, and you must never cross it.
19: Jennifer Garner (actress)
“Juno I really fancy you?”
Because 'Juno' sounds like 'do you know?'
20: Lisa Edelstein (actress: House MD)
“Wanna play doctors and nurses?”
Short and sweet.
11: Amy Acker (actress: Wishbone, Angel, Alias)
[Some variation on a ‘Wishbone’ joke]
Can't fail.
12: Kristen Bell (actress: Veronica Mars, Heroes)
“Can you sense the electricity between us?”
She played a character who could control electricity on Heroes, you see.
13: Emily Haines (singer: Metric)
“I’ll give you more to do in bed than just read, Emily!”
She has a song called 'Reading In Bed', and this line gives her a better option.
14: Anna Friel (actress: Chuck, Goal!)
“Forget the football, I’d be living the dream if I could go out with you”
And again, girls like sweet guys.
15: Sophie Ellis-Bextor (singer)
“Like you, Sophie, I like to shoot from the hip”
Say this in the wrong tone, it will sound weird and wrong.
16: Alyson Hannigan (actress: Buffy, How I Met Your Mother)
“I’ve never met your mother, but after we’ve had a long relationship I’d like you to meet mine?”
This line shows you intend to have a serious relationship, and not just a casual fling.
17: Jennifer Aniston (actress)
“I want to be more than just friends”
She will never have heard this line before in her life, ever.
18: Alison Goldfrapp (singer: Goldfrapp)
[Say whatever you want, but don’t make any ‘Lovely Head’ jokes]
There is a line, and you must never cross it.
19: Jennifer Garner (actress)
“Juno I really fancy you?”
Because 'Juno' sounds like 'do you know?'
20: Lisa Edelstein (actress: House MD)
“Wanna play doctors and nurses?”
Short and sweet.
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