Reasons We Should Expect The Giants To Attack Us #1

Noticed all those dead birds recently? If you’re the kind of person who enjoys leaving the house, you’ll have noticed by now that there are dead birds lying everywhere, just scattered dead on the floor like tiny bird-shaped corpse presents. What’s with all the dead birds, you guys? It’s a sign that the Giants are returning, is the answer. Why are they a sign that the Giants are returning? Let us answer that. Let us tell you why they are evidence that the Giants are returning.

We’re talkin’ about golden eggs, yo. It’s an expensive life, being a Giant, and there are very few careers which ask for applicants to be monstrously tall. As a matter of fact, most businesses actively discriminate against the gargantuan. As a result Giants have switched their attention to magic, and attain all their wealth exclusively from the golden egg business. While there is the odd fruity Giant who makes his money from Golden Harp Recitals, by and large (if you’ll excuse the pun), Giants rely on golden nuggets for their day-to-day financing.

The problem is that in our current economic and environmental climate, such fowls no longer exist. Evolution and capitalism at work, people! So when the Giants do finally return, they’re going to need to find new birds to fire out Golden Eggs for them. Birds worldwide, having sensed that the return of the Giants is imminent, are all about the immortality. They want to live forever and become famous, guardians of golden gander gifts, and so they’re straining and straining and forcing themselves into producing gold eggs.

The trouble is that only select birds are able to tap into the magics which allow them to produce golden eggs, and the majority of them are doomed to failure. Gold is notoriously difficult to spontaneously create, and birds are typically unfamiliar with the periodic table. Thusly, too often we are seeing birds create granite eggs which weigh them down. Too heavy to fly anymore, they hurtle down to Earth in this thousands, dying instantly upon impact.

Now, I’m not a Scientist, but this sounds irrefutable to me. The moment a sparrow succeeds in turning their yolk into gold? The Giants will return.

How To Save Children In Need

If your immediate thought after reading that title was “oh good! I like helping needy children, because it’s the morally correct thing to do” – leave. You’re useless, and this blog is not written for people like you. Go join a volunteer shelter or something. You see, we’re not talking about dying kids here. We’re talking about ‘Children In Need’, the TV fundraiser.

Every year, the show, which is shown on BBC1 and takes up a whole evening of programming, makes a whole lot of money for dying children all across the UK. It’s a good cause, certainly, and this year they gathered over twenty million on the night. However, this money came at the cost of human entertainment, as viewers were forced to watch several half-baked ideas brought to life in the name of showbiz variety. Among the many broken ideas that came to our screens was a ten-second (it felt) preview of the next Doctor Who Christmas Special, a visit by Gok Wan to Coronation Street which went nowhere, a similarly pointless crossover between Top Gear and Ashes To Ashes, and two shorts (and we mean short) skits from the casts of Merlin and The Royle Family. Each time something was announced, it brought about at least a bit of excitement among the audience watching, but almost every single part of the show disappointed. The featured moments - a great Strictly Come Dancing section aside – were flat and boring; the brilliant Terry Wogan wasn’t getting any support from his audience as he went about presenting; Tess Daly had to hold together the show on her own (which she just about did), and overall the night disappointed.

So here are our ideas for how to improve Children In Need, and make it a show which can rival Comic Relief (a fundraiser which routinely makes over forty million pounds on the night). We think with these ideas, the show will vastly improve.

The Set:
1: Get Terry Wogan a sofa. The presenters have to stand for the entirety of the show, which just feels mean. Give them a sofa area where they can sit and talk to guests in-between links. It’ll save Terry’s legs, and he won’t then spend so much time complaining about his knees.

2: Bring back the second-floor. The show used to have a set of stairs which led to a balcony, from which the presenters could introduce the acts, who performed on the dancefloor below. Bringing it back will make the show feel much more contained, as at the moment the studio is far too big, and not enough is going on in it.

The Presenters:
3: Give Terry less to do. If you put Terry Wogan in front of a crowd, he’ll start improvising. It’s how he works. And that’s also partly why we all admire him, but… You need to take him out of proceedings more. Don’t send him into the crowd, don’t have him greet every act once they’re finished performing their songs. If you keep him from the audience, they will respond more whenever he does appear. It’s like the inevitable Graham Norton appearance on Comic Relief: he’s an inspired presenter if you don’t put him onscreen for hours on end.

4: Switch presenters around. As a part of #3, the presenters should be paired up and given slots of their own. Like Comic Relief! It brings more identity to the show, and you can have more child-friendly presenters on at the start, before going more adult as things move along.

5: No more Fearne Cotton. Personally, Wilftonville dislikes her. But on top of that, nobody wants to go backstage – it ruins the mystery of what will happen next if we have interviews with Duffy held, apparently, in a corridor.

6: Gaby Roslin. We want her back! Or at the very least, give us some more variety with who presents. Why can’t we have any middle-aged, female presenters? Grr, BBC!

The Show:
7: The first hour should be presented by Dick and Dom, and should feature lots of custard pies, gunge, mess, and mayhem. It’s fun!

8: Work on the ideas properly. You have a year to set up your ideas, so once you’ve decided that the cast of The Bill should sing songs by The Blues Brothers, work on it more. Don’t give up as soon as you establish the concept. Work on it more, decide what should happen, and when, and give the thing more structure.

9: No regional programming! Don’t cut to county-specific sections so we can see a group of teachers in Leeds get their hair shaved off for charity. It’s boring.

10: You own the shows, BBC. Dr Who, Merlin, The Royle Family – you should be able to do more with them than two-minute sections. You don’t need to work a reference to your mascot Pudsey into each one; so let the writers do something silly and fun with the cast, and let them have more than two minutes running time. The Doctor Who sections you had last year, and the year before – those were perfect.

11: Tone down the actors who sing. Sure, it’s lovely that they can do this, but we don’t need to have seven or eight acts where a soapstar sings a showtune. Get them to do something with more variety, instead – why not have them do some shadow theatre, or mime for a bit?

12: Cut the last two hours. They’re completely surplus, and it forces you to start recycling bits you’ve already shown. Cut them, and streamline the show so you space out the goods bits more smartly.

13: More variety, overall, please. Singing and dancing is all well and good, but how about some comedians? The BBC has so many sketch show people at the moment, so why not commission some special sketches from them all? It spices things up.

14: Bring in more of your shows. Quiz shows, perhaps? They’re always decent value for money – the BBC2 programme that comes on while the main show breaks for the news is almost always one of the best parts of any Children In Need Night.

15: Stop asking us to give you money. We get the idea. Also, the idea that you ‘need’ the money? I’d rather you ‘would like’ it. Seems like a nicer thing.

16: Paul Daniels. We need MOAR magic on the BBC.

Why I Don’t Trust The Jews

A lot of Americans recently believed that Barack Obama was a Muslim, and that because of this he shouldn’t be allowed to become the awesome new President of the USA (or as we call it in Europe, ‘Disneyland’). This Islamophobia is not something that the Americans alone are guilty of, though – Britain seems to be obsessed with it. At least, the papers are. Every day the worthless newspapers spread panic about how the Muslims are going to take over all our jobs because;

A: They are ASYLUM SEEKERS. Agh! Asylum seekers!
B: They are trying to destroy the very fabric of British society which first enticed them to migrate over here
C: (They do the jobs better than British workers do)

Option C is not one you’ll see the papers mention very often. We’re not too bad though, overall, just as long as you don’t visit Bradford. Ever. In the Middle-East, I’m led to believe that apparently the Muslims are getting into wars with each other and other religions! That’s quite extreme indeed. It seems that The Muslims are not appreciated properly by the World. I sympathise with you, Muslim community.

At the same time the Christians are under attack from that Dawkins feller. He doesn’t think that people should base their lives around the writing of one book, and if you read his ‘The God Delusion’, available at many good book stores, he will advise you on how best to live your life away from the glare of religion. Mostly, he is not happy with Catholics. And why should he be? Those people have been going away once a week to those sinister-looking church buildings for years and years now. They’ve got something in mind, heed my words, and for centuries now they’ve been planning it for two or so hours a week. Also, they don’t like abortions – what kind of weirdo doesn’t love a good abortion?

But I’m not here to talk about the faults of Catholics and Muslims and Atheists. I’m here to talk about the real issues. I always have been, in a way. It’s just that you’ve never understood before what my posts about ‘X-Men’ and ‘How To Get Famous Women To Sleep With You’ were really about. They’re allegorical! I think that the main problem with society today is that it is doing too much worrying about Catholics and Muslims, and not enough worrying about Jews.

For one thing, did you know that all female Jews are surgically modified when they reach a certain age? The process is called a Bat-Mitzvah, and during it the girls are given a pair of wings to use, and an inbuilt sonar system. With these powers the girls then are able to fly around at night, drinking the blood of cows and peasants. Why isn’t the media reporting this?

It doesn’t end there. One thing that’s been bothering me for quite some time are the hats that Jews wear. These hats are sanctioned whenever they go into their place of worship, and you will not see a Jew in a synagogue without one. Nobody else seems to realise that these hats are resistant to telepathic intrusion, which means that the giant satellites the Government have in space are unable to read the minds of Jews once they start worshipping. There is a mental black spot above and around each Synagogue. What is it that the Jews see or think about in Synagogue that they need to keep secret from the rest of the World? Why isn’t the media reporting this?

And finally, the thing most Jews are known for: their fame. It’s long been known that Hollywood is run by Jews, gays, and Jewish gays (who have the most power of all), and that they use their power to influence the country. They have control over the entire population of California, for one thing (not the gays: they just suspiciously lost their ability to marry recently – another Jewish plot?), and their expansion is slowly taking over the rest of the two US coastlines. They have taken over the film industry, the TV industry, the music industry, and the media. Why isn’t the media repor- oh.

Jewish people must be stopped.

The Next Messiah

Hey, everyone. This is, uh, God. I was watching from up here where I live, and gosh, but all of you seem to be just so silly at the moment! You are stuck in the middle of all these wars with the strong countries attacking the weak ones, and the weak countries attacking the other weak countries, and then some countries aren’t fighting anyone at all… and they’re being told off for it! But I don’t want to get stuck on that whole ‘war’ issue (could go on for ever!) when there are other things crossing my mind at the moment. But, while I am here – what’s with all that war? Really? Do you have to?

Alright, I’m sorry, I got a little off-point for a minute there. You’re wondering now, why would I ever come back to Earth now and talk to you, when there are literally billions of other planets I have to focus on, being the Almighty and all. The problem is that no other planet that I’m in control of (I’ve all but given up on Tyl, in honesty. I think it’s just better to leave them to it at this point. You can’t win everything!) is annoying me quite so much. Not annoying, as such. I don’t get annoyed, I don’t think. In fact, I don’t think at all – one of the abilities that comes with having created the logic of thought. I just don’t have to think! Makes life much easier. So anyway, can’t really explain any of this, and I don’t mean to be patronising when I say that I can’t explain it – but quite literally, your brain will not understand what it is about Earth that is making me write this now. The part of your brain which you aren’t using is the part that would comprehend this.

Sorry for getting technical. And sorry for apologising all the time! I’ll get to the point, I think, before I start getting myself all tangled up. Basically, I’ve been sending you Messiahs since like forever, and yet you haven’t been paying attention. I’m not going to name any of them, obviously, because that’s not my job. That’s what they’re supposed to do. If I were to go about naming who was a Messiah and who wasn’t, then you’re going to start crowing about whose religion was right and whose wasn’t. I don’t want any of that! So right, let’s get on with the point. I keep getting sidetracked.

Y’know, just so we’re clear on things? There is no correct religion. There are correct beliefs, because if you were to think “oh, God has blue fur” for example, and I do actually have blue fur, then that’s a correct belief you have. If you start having a religion going on there, then what’s that all about? You’re just starting things up based on the beliefs. But facts… you can’t take facts and then create rituals based on them! It’s just…. Oh, how silly and everything. I get confused just trying to think about it. But that’s another diversion. The point, yeah.

So these Messiahs I’ve been sending you. They don’t seem to be getting through! It is so silly! I couldn’t understand what was going on, really I couldn’t. But just recently, it suddenly dawned on me that you aren’t able to converse with tadpoles and ferrets. That’s where I’ve been going wrong all these years! You see, the Messiahs I tend to send down to Earth in order to explain who I am and what I like (meaning of life? Pff! Do what you want, so long as it’s nice! I created life, what kind of meaning do you need?) have thus far been less human than you’d think. Every single parrot in the Southern Hemisphere is aware of what’s going on round here, but because I haven’t sent any humans down in, oh, ages, you all seem to have forgotten. Meanwhile, the crabs are strutting around like they own the place, because I’ve sent them a Messiah. It’s something you’ll have to work round.

I totally have plans for sending another human Messiah at some point in the future! I just haven’t got round to it yet. It takes a lot out of me, you need to realise, and sending one at a time is tiring enough. Sending out multiple Messiahs is just not on the cards right now There’s a queue, too, so when I put you in there, you have to be prepared for the wait. That’s going to happen. So for the moment, nothing’s going to be coming your way. I hope you don’t mind, but even if you do mind nothing’s going to happen.

What I’m saying is… be patient. Or go learn how to speak Kestrel, because that’s what the current Messiah is.

Me Bless,

God.


PS: I used this blog as a way of getting the message across, because I like to support an underdog. Thought you might be wondering about that one!

Can Unicorns Fly?

We here at Wilftonville – yes, we’ve gone back to calling ourselves a collective – were up all last night. We were literally not tossing or turning at all. We lay on our backs and looked up at the ceiling. But while looking at the ceiling, we all looked right past the ceiling and through to the sky above. We had questions that burned into our mind.

Uh… minds. Our minds. We have a lot to think about all the time, and it’s a tough call to be us. We realise that unicorns exist, but there are certain aspects of the unicorn origin story that we cannot accept. The idea, specifically, the unicorns have their roots in nature. The traditional view of unicorns is as glorified horses, creatures who are shiny and made from glitter and have a single horn on the top of their head. This is what, if you ask the general public, they will tell you to expect of a unicorn. In post-J K Rowling times, they might even go so far as to say that unicorns have blood that can heal all wounds, and if you eat them you become immortal.

Immortals don’t exist. Even highlanders get killed eventually. So firstly, let’s get rid of the idea that Unicorns have magical blood – they don’t. Magical blood? If that existed, then surely it would be impossible to kill a Unicorn and thus find out that their blood is magical and immortal in the first place. Also, the World would be entirely populated by ravenous, thistle-bearing Unicorns by now, who would enslave mankind to accommodate their horsey needs. This idea can be thrown out right now.

Unicorns could very well have some sort of relationship to horses, though, and as we sat in our bed and considered this thought, it honestly seemed quite likely. But there is one thing that irked us – with Unicorns being a step above horses in terms of evolution, why have horses become dominant and Unicorns forced to live in the shadows of society…? This can be answered, eventually. The simple answer is that Unicorns are not similar to horses.

They are horses.

Horses who have undergone plastic surgery in order to accessorise. Glam horses, who wear their fabulousness like an old woman wears their bra – loose. You didn’t need to hear that metaphor, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, that was a step too far. Ignore that metaphor. Or simile, depending on which of the two that was. Horses, anywho, seem to have done all of this in order to become special. It’s not that odd or surprising, when you think about it.

This was good. We had confirmed the likelihood that Unicorns could exist in a way that made logical sense to us all, and only a few people dissented and threw up hurdles. This allowed us to continue on to the real meat of what we wanted to work out: could Unicorns fly?

Pegasus can fly, but he is a creature the Greeks made up because they are terrified of the existence of gravity. Still are. And also, the links between Pegasus and horses is harder to settle than that of Unicorns and horses – a horn, yes, but two wings that work? If that was possible, we’d all be flying around together in perfect harmony, blogging from the skies. Besides, plastic surgery didn’t exist then, so shut up. The likely solution to the Unicorn flying problem would be that they can’t, because there is nothing about a horse anatomy that suggests an ability to fly – but then again, there is nothing about a horse anatomy that suggests an ability to steal our hearts, and Unicorns all have that ability. No, the real answer here is that Unicorns can do whatever they want. Because they are Unicorns.

There is nothing logical about the fact that Unicorns can fly, because there is nothing logical about Unicorns in the first place. They are able to fly only because they’re powered by imagination. Much like fairies, who live or die based on the words that humans say (I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies!), Unicorns appear to be quite dependant on what humans think about them. It is because we believe – and by we, Wilftonville means… I – that Unicorns can fly, that they are able to majestically soar across the pink clouds of rainbow town.


Um, so Unicorns can fly. That’s the whole point of today’s 'wacky' post on Wilftonville.

Yes.