Seven Great Places To Hide The Body

So you've made a bit of a mistake. The whore who was in the middle of dumping you suddenly tripped into mid-calibre seven bullets and got them stuck in her upper-right temple, and now her head is scattered across the floor of your breakfast room. Don't panic, man! Recently-released statistics reveal that over 46% of men will at one point have to deal with the trauma of accidentally killing that cheating bitch you thought was ready to settle down and move to the country. So you're not alone!

Wilftonville empathises with your plight. It's not easy to witness slut-brain spatter over the freshly-wallpapered apartment you just moved into and haven't paid off the final rent on. While we can only advise that you pour salt onto any patches of carpet which are soaked in claret, and dap with a wet cloth, we can offer much more advice when it comes to dumping the body. Why should your life have to end because you ended the life of that hooker? Jail is for criminals, not victims of emotional abuse, after all! Here are ten options for where you could smuggle the body, and expect it to never be seen again.


1. Uganda

If you've ever been to Uganda, then 1: I am amazed you made it out alive and 2: you'll have noticed that it is currently a barren landscape filled with the corpses of the poor. If you have a private plane, then it's simplicity itself to pack up the body in a roll of carpet and fly across to the other continent. Nobody will notice the one extra body, lying spreadeagled in a dusty pit of bones and scorch marks.


2. A Wheelie Bin

If you've seen any comedy-crime caper, you'll likely have witnessed a scene in which the protagonist has to throw a body off a bridge, so it lands perfectly onto a passing rubbish-barge sailing underneath. That is a nightmare of timing and precision, so it's far more convenient to simply take the body and stuff it into one of your recycling bins. Although the Government likes to make a song-and-dance about their commitment to the environment, binmen sure as hell don't check the bins to make sure all the papers and glass have been filtered seperately. In this scenario, you'll be relying on this inherent laziness to conceal the body. Nobody should look to see if there is a bloody arm hanging out the top of the bin (although you should attempt to hide this), and you'll be scot-free by the mid-afternoon.


3. Loch Ness

There is a monster living in Loch Ness. There's a relatively small lake and a giant monster. And nobody has managed to take anything other than a small fuzzy photo of it. Even if the monster doesn't eat the body for sustinence or kicks, it's a safe bet that the public won't find the body in that lake.


4. In the Middle of Your Lounge, During a Dinner Party

Dinner parties are an opportunity to show off your rare talent for subversive humour. Any guest heading to a dinner party are expecting a barrage of personality from the moment they come through the door to their final hesitant handshakes after midnight. What a superb chance to show your the new centrepiece of your household - an identical replica of your partner, albeit a replica which has had it's brains forcibly ejected via tiny metal shells. Nobody will think twice about the prop, which looks so lifelike and yet couldn't possibly be. No, of course not, there's no way that you'd be so bold as to kill your partner and then leave her body lying out in the open where everyone could see her.

Reverse psychology plays an important part in this scheme.


5. The Chinese Embassy

It will be difficult to make your way into the Chinese Embassy, which by all accounts has an alarm system on the windows and no other form of security. If you do trip the alarm, agents with guns will arrive within a tensely-plotted minute, so you'll have to be careful. For the most part, however, the poor lighting will keep you safe and hidden. If possible, recruit an internally-tortured MI5 agent who may well have had a former life as a foreign terrorist.


6. A Cannon Inside A Magical Painting of a Water-Spider

You can angle one of the cannons in Wet Dry World so Mario bounces off the invisible border around the edge of the level, hits the ground, and slides back into the cannon. This creates an endless loop of cannon-based Mario corpse shooting. Apply this principle to your deceased ex, and watch as hilarity ensues!


7. Inside Chris Langham's Career

We don't mean to be rude. But nobody would ever find it here.

Super Mario Underwater: The Critical Reception

So Wilftonville leaked the pitch for Nintendo's new game "Super Mario Underwater" on Monday. I'm writing this before the post which announces this leak, but I'm certain that the response was overwhelming and that hundreds - nay, thousands - of people commented with their thoughts on the strength of the pitch, and that argument and debate developed from it. We promised that we'd send someone to the future to find out how the World responded when the game was finally released, and were sent back a Wikipedia transcript. Interestingly, the transcript had already begun changing when we recieved it. Here it is:


Reception:

Super Mario Underwater was commercially very successful; in part due to the popular American advertising campaign which features Michael Phelps losing a race to Mario over 100 metres. It has been reported that the game was especially popular in countries like Denmark and Bangladesh, where the general public of said countries bought the game in order to get in last-minute practise before global warming flooded their homes. The game was highly praised by the press, who called it “a… Mario game” and said that “it features… Mario.” The Times were especially impressed, calling it “Mario.” It did not win any awards.


Critical Reception:

The game was widely unpopular with critics on a general scale. Most criticised the decision to take the most disliked aspect of every Mario game made up to this point (the swimming levels) and create a game around it as “idiotic”. “Nintendo’s decision to make Mario swim so slowly is the icing on a highly acidic cake” noted IGN, who generally disparaged the game-play for being slow and meaningless. Nintendo Power said that “Giving Mario only eight minutes of airtime means the player has to play in four-minute sections: four minutes playing, and four minutes retracing their steps. It’s just not good enough.”

The plot came in for criticism, with many wondering how the frogs would be able to drink roughly 1/12 of all the water in one go without any severe consequences to their central nervous system. “Mario is sent on time-consuming side-missions underwater when he could have gone straight to Bowser from the beginning” complained Edge, who were vocally angry about many different parts of the game, including the seemingly random decision to force Mario on so many different sub-quests. “Finding power stars is one thing, but cufflinks? No matter how powerful they are, there is no man alive who can make a search for cufflinks interesting.”

Whilst the graphics were praised for being pretty, and the water effects were “well realised”, critics leaped upon the decision to make the game more realistic by having the peat and soil cloud up the water so that Mario cannot see more than three metres ahead. “It slows up the game even further, to the point where I would commend anyone who has the patience to complete the damn thing. And then, having commended them, I would have to shoot them for being a danger to the human race,” said Official Nintendo Magazine of this realism.

Shigeru Miyamoto, whose idea ‘Super Mario Laser Banjo’ had been passed over in favour of the project, held a press conference and announced that he would never let anyone else touch his creations ever again.


Legacy:

After spoilers for the premise of the game were leaked onto the internet via low-level “comedy” blog Wilftonville in 2008, Nintendo scrapped their plans for Super Mario Underwater. This effectively rewrote history and created a time paradox. Shigeru Miyamoto, who invented the time-travel aspects of ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time’ as well as the Mario series, was said to be thrilled by this meta development.

Super Mario: The Pitch

We got our hands on the pitch submitted to Nintendo for the next Super Mario game! Having heard that this was definitely definitely the pitch that Nintendo were going to go ahead and develop into a game, we then sent someone into the future to find out for us how the game performed when released. EXCLUSIVES! Wilftonville is excited to reveal to you today the pitch for the new Super Mario Game, and come back on Friday to see how the public reacted to the game!



Pitch: Super Mario Underwater

The Premise:

That dastardly King Bowser has kidnapped the Princess again! On top of kidnapping Princess Peach, Bowser has sunk the Mushroom Kingdom underwater with his new “Wave-O-Matic” machine so that his floating island “Bowserville” will be the only remaining land on the face of the planet! With the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom out of his way, Bowser finally will be able to rule supreme over the World! Or will he?

Characteristically forgotten by the evil dinosaur, the unstoppable plumbing force of Mario and Luigi managed to escape the flooding by putting on their scuba gear just before the waves reached them, and plot on foiling Bowser once again! Can you guide Mario and Luigi through Bowser’s various traps, and save the Princess?


Game Synopsis:

The player takes control of either Mario or Luigi as they swim around the immense 3-D levels looking for where buildings used to be. Once a building is found, which as the world was only 30% land before it was sunk, takes a while, the played swims down to it and rescues the villagers there through puzzle-solving. Once enough villagers are safe, you encounter the magical Frogman, who promises to drink part of the water in exchange for a set of diamond cufflinks he lost when the world was swallowed up by the sea. Find the cufflinks for him, and you will lower the level of the water so that Mario or Luigi can then swim further downwards without being subject to crushing water pressure, and the process starts again. Find cufflinks for the twelve Frogmen, and they fire a spout of water upwards. Mario or Luigi step into this spout of water and are forced straight upwards, towards Bowser’s floating island fortress.


Playable Characters:

Mario: A Kingdom in peril, a Princess that needs saving from a flame-breathing dinosaur… it’s all in a day’s work for Mario! Luckily this time, he’s been equipped with a harpoon gun and a scuba diving outfit by his good friend Professor E. Gadd, because his fireballs aren’t going to work underwater! Mario has less air time than Luigi, but is a faster swimmer and doesn’t look as gay in his costume.

Luigi: Is Luigi more of a hero than Mario? Certainly, he isn’t motivated by lust and the prospect of cake in his quest to save the world. So why does Mario get all the glory? Luigi is determined to get to the bottom of everything (literally, for this is a game about swimming) before his little brother! Luigi can swim for much longer periods than Mario, and his voice becomes so high when he breathes in the helium of his air-tank that he can repel enemies with one screech.

Toad: On each level of the underwater world the player will be able to find Toad, and play a mini-game called “suffocate Toad”. The object of the game is to take a Toad from dry land and force him to swim downwards through rock patterns for a minute. If you manage to navigate Toad down far enough, when he regains control there won’t be enough oxygen in his lungs for him to make it to the surface again, and he will explode. This will earn Mario or Luigi a Power Star. Power Stars are useless in this game.


Gameplay:

The player takes control of Mario or Luigi using the Wii remote. The majority of the gameplay takes place underwater, so the player must use the remote to ‘swim’ around the vast areas in search of something to do. Mario and Luigi have to be careful not to damage their air-tanks as they go on their quest, as they only have a limited amount of air each. Mario can swim for up to eight minutes at a time before he has to return to the surface, while Luigi – who is taller, and can thus hold a bigger tank on his back – has almost fifteen minutes of air. This naturally fills each new play with tension, as the player is always working against a countdown. With such limited amounts of air, the game will also last for far longer. Once Mario or Luigi have lowered all the water and return to dry land, the controls are basically the same as whatever Mario Galaxy used.


Multiplayer:

In keeping with Mario tradition, there will be no multiplayer mode.

Ocarina Of Time Week!

This week, during my glorious absence from the Internet as I travel the world in search of a country that makes really, really nice cakes, we are going to be celebrating ‘The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time’. Over the next five days – unless I mess up the tech and it all arrive at once – we’re going to explore the good sides of Zelda, and the bad sides of Zelda. It is almost unquestionably one of the best games ever made, and I’d suggest it is in fact THE best. But whilst it’s very easy to say that; it’s even easier to offer top five lists that back up the claim without any evidence given. So that’s why today we’re going to look at the five games that most live up to the majesty of Ocarina of Time.

If you don’t know what Ocarina Of Time is, then this week probably won’t be for you.


Five: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

This game appeared on the Gameboy, and is one of only three games to feature the ‘original’ Link in them, if we’ve get our timeline correct. Link’s Awakening comes just after Ocarina chronologically, as Link goes off on a boat journey and gets blowed up by a storm and wakes up on a beach. Happily though, the beach just so happens to be part of an island which is plagued by monsters what need killing and people what need saving, and so Link goes off on a quest to kill off the nightmare that rules the place. It’s a great, epic, and poignant story – like Ocarina of Time! Both games feature several of the same characters (and, happily, keep Tingle out of the equation) whilst putting in new features to the Zelda mythos. The ending is bittersweet too, and you can see the influences that blend the two games together stylistically. Link’s Awakening was perhaps one of the best games to come out on the Gameboy, ever, and lasts bloody ages.

Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Horse-riding.


Four: Resident Evil 4

Leon S Kennedy, after surviving a load of zombies/mutated people in the second Resident Evil game, returned to the series for part 4, set in a creepy European village (is there any other kind?) As Leon explores the village he finds out that there be monsters afoot, and is promptly attacked by mutated whales and trolls and – worst of all – a creepy albino kid who thinks he’s Napoleon. The game serves both as an exciting adventure, and as a warning to all Americans not to go to Europe. RE4 borrows a lot from Zelda, despite being set in a more modern time and featuring guns instead of swords as the main weapons. Both games wind down the player so that events get more and more tense as they go on – in Zelda because the baddie is consolidating his power even as you try to stop him, and in RE because you’re starting to show traits of being infected by that darned zombie virus everyone is talking so much about. Atmosphere are very important for both games, to provide shocks and create new challenges with old areas. Resident Evil 4 turned out to not only be the best of the series, but one of the better games to come from the past few years.

Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
There is only one level where you have to protect a useless girl.


Three: Sim City

Sim City is a game where you create your own city and then try to destroy it in the most hilarious way possible. Well… you’re not ‘supposed’ to destroy it, as such, but that’s what everybody does anyway, by setting fires and then “forgetting” to build a fire station, or by unleashing a monster on the city. Devastation is fun! Zelda is similar in that it gives you an entire world to play with, which then gets destroyed over time – just like with Sim City! Okay, we admit it; we couldn’t think of five games and so we threw this one in as an afterthought. So sue us. (Note: do not sue us)

Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
It is a good game.


Two: Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto is the closest any game has got to the vast scope that Zelda gives the casual player. Here; you are given a town to muck around in, and you can fly helicopters of drive boats, cars, motorcycles, all whilst trying to kill innocent bystanders and jerk the police around. So, uh, a little less moral than Zelda, then. But much of the gameplay is the same, so long as you swap the police with giant spiders (in your mind, dude) and the pedestrians with little fairy children. It sounds very different, but really both games give you a world to play in at your leisure, and you can do whatever you want, when you want to do it. In Zelda you can rescue the nice farmyard from the dictatorship than gets forced upon it right at the start, or you can leave it possessed. In GTA games you can pick your missions whenever you want. Both games feature simple, clever gameplay which conceal a storyline that stretches out into more cinematic territory. Really, they have quite a lot in common, in their own decidedly different ways.

Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
You care about if your character lives or dies.


One: Super Mario 64

Super Mario 64 is also the greatest game of all time. Both Mario and Link appeared on the N64 once in their own series, and both of them gave us a contender for the best gaming experience of all time. Whilst Mario was the first game to go properly 3-D in a way which was awesome, quirky, and completely fun, Ocarina of Time did the same thing but added a storyline to proceedings. Again you have the individual world that the character lives in, dominated by references to the past and innovative gameplay. Both characters go on their quest to save the Princess (when will the princess get to do the saving, Nintendo? When?) and ultimately save the day, if the player is good enough. These are computer game masterpieces, right here, and neither have been bettered yet – not even by their sequels.

Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Toad isn’t in it.

The Secret World of Sonic The Hedgehog

Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most recognised computer game characters of all time, a blue hedgehog with a short patience and the ability to run really, really fast. Created by Sega, he has starred in several of their most popular games, and it second only to Mario in terms of worldwide fame, when it comes to computer game characters. The premise of most of his games are simple: run to the exit as quickly as you can. Avoid the baddies and run like a devil over different levels until you make it to the exit. It is simple, but very addictive, and the popularity of the games has meant that the character has crossed over into comics and television several times over the past few decades. It’s all a very simple premise, which is what makes it so surprising to find that there are several dangerous aspects of the series which Sega have repeatedly tried to hide from the public. Cover-ups, conspiracies, and recurring illegal practises are inextricably linked to the games, and once you’ve read up on the disturbing shadowy overworld that makes up Sonic The Hedgehog, you won’t be able to view the lil’ blue spinester in the same way again.

Cover-Up 1: Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies

During the early development of the first Sonic game, Sega were faced with a budgetary issue, as they found they were rapidly losing money due to increased global fondness for red-capped plumbers. With nowhere else to turn, the company struck a deal with several fast food companies in order to fund their labour of love. In the process, however, they had to make several concessions in order to fulfil their contracts. The main villain, Dr Robotnik – an evil half-unicorn, half-robot badass – was replaced with Dr ‘Ivo’ Robotnik, who was all-human. This changed the story significantly, as Ivo’s backstory (which was later retconned further, as will be detailed below) was made to be more in line with fast food desires. No longer a unicorn who was evil due to grief at the death of his species because of hedgehogs, Robotnik now became an allegorical symbol of the egg-industry.

Ivo Robotnik was a mild-natured man who was turned evil after an egg exploded in his face, thus transforming him into a fat, beady-eyed villain with an indeterminately gay moustache (see “the refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality”, below). It was the conclusion of the general public that this story was designed to make Robotnik the very essence of a “rotten egg”, but in reality this was Sega’s way of downplaying the healthy and nutritious value of eating eggs every day. As Mr Strong has proved, eating eggs is a great way to grow up to be big and strong – exactly the characteristics that fast food chains do not want associated with their customers (apart from Subways, who offer superb quality food for great value). The name ‘Ivo’ is the reverse of ‘Ovi’, based on the Latin for ‘eggs’. Later, the character was connected even more strongly to the egg industry through the unexplained change from ‘Dr Robotnik’ to ‘Dr Eggman’. This was all based off the further payments Sega received after the failure of the Dreamcast, which saved it from bankruptcy.


Conspiracy 1: Is there a company-wide hatred for Australians?

The basis for this conspiracy stems around a character introduced in Sonic 3; called Knuckles. A red echidna, Knuckles personifies the country of Australia almost as much as the once-planned “Retard the platypus” would have done. Retard was originally imagined to be Sonic’s idiotic friend who runs a surfing shop, who continually attempts to sell Sonic surfboards even though Sonic has no need for them because water instantly kills him. Retard was scrapped after the company realised that portraying an Australian as someone capable of running a small business was too positive, and instead Knuckles was born. His role was to guard the Master Emerald, a source of massive power within the Sonic Universe, and he does so diligently by sitting on his arse all day and doing jack-all. When it comes time to actually do some work, he fails to beat Dr Robotnik – and on top of this failure, he is then tricked by the evil Dr into believing that Sonic is the real villain. Thus encouraged, Knuckles loses his temper and goes after Sonic with no thoughts for protecting the rest of the emeralds, and promptly loses in battle to the hedgehog.

After he realises how wrong he was, Knuckles goes back to sitting round all day and doing nothing, from time to time losing the emeralds due to his own uselessness or laziness, dependant on the game involved. Not only does he then prove to have the worst sections of all the most recent Sonic games, but he also is due to be kidnapped in the next game to be released; this time by aliens. For a character that is tasked with looking after a Master Emerald, Knuckles proves remarkably able to leave his duty behind to go off and take part in other Sonic games, where he plays sport without a care in the world. All in all, it seems remarkably clear that Sega have got it in for Australians.


Unanswered Question 1: Why does everyone like such a dick?

Sonic is a prick. Why do people keep buying his games?


Conspiracy 2: What’s with all the gambling?

Sonic games typically feature one level set in a carnival, and one set in a casino, where Sonic has to bounce off flippers and bumpers in order to make his way through the game safely. These are typically some of the hardest levels, but always provide a feeling of strong relief and achievement once they have been completed. This begs the question: what’s with all the gambling, Sega?


Unanswered Question 2: How do rings keep Sonic alive?

Mario collects coins, which makes sense, but Sonic collects ‘power rings’. How come they just sit around on the levels waiting for him to pick them up, then? If these rings give him so much power, wouldn’t it make sense for Dr Robotnik to simply take all of those, before he embarks on his quest to destroy the world? There’s a world of difference between fighting a blurry whizz-kid who can break the sound-barrier, and a hedgehog, y’know.


Conspiracy 3: Are Sega trying to promote drug-use?

Chaos Emeralds. They are the item that Robotnik is always trying to steal in order to turn the world into ‘Egg-Topia’ (see above, “Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies”) and thus rule the world. They are interesting, in that they are hard to find and obtain, but contain almost unlimited energy that can be used by the characters whenever they want a fix. If a character gains all seven of the emeralds that exist in-universe, then they ’transform’. Sonic, in particular, turns golden and starts going completely mental whenever he uses them all together, and other characters have also been shown as ‘going golden’. This is, to put it “bluntly” (ha!), due to the efforts of ‘Sonic Team’, the designers responsible for creating the games. A bunch of meth-addled creatives with a flair for hokey dialogue, Sonic Team are high all the time, and they want you to join them. They don’t want to actively be seen promoting drugs, of course, so instead they decided to put in this aspect of the Chaos emeralds.

Mario collects power stars, but once he collects them they go in a fault. Donkey Kong collects bananas so he can eat. Sonic… gets a charge off of Chaos Emeralds. In many respects, as he goes from game to game and fights Robotnik again and again, he has become a junkie, relying on the benefits of the Emeralds to boost his power time and time again. Super Sonic, as he becomes, is then able to completely save the day with his massive OTT powers. He becomes faster and taller and stronger and he has forceshields – and he’s a little bit addled. He becomes a meth-addict, in other words. And every game sees him do this at the end, making him not just an addict, but a full-blown junkie. Sure, Sonic ‘says’ he does it to save the day, but how can we trust an anthropomorphic hedgehog?


Cover-Up 2: The refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality.

If you know anything about Sonic the Hedgehog, then you’ll know that I’m about to mention a certain character, That’s right: Tails. Tails is a Stuart Miles lookalike who also happens to be a fox with two tails. He is, as is made ludicrously obvious to everyone in the World, a gay man. He likes floating around by whipping his tails around in a tight circle which lets him hover above the ground, and his best friends are blue, pink, and red. That sentence may well be the most gay sentence ever written to not actually invoke any gay references in it. On top of this, Tails spends most of his time with Sonic floating behind him, watching his blue bottom with a fearless devotion and passionate intensity that hasn’t been seen since Des and Mel got taken off the air. It is obvious that Tails is gay. So why hasn’t he come out as gay, you wonder?

There is nothing wrong with homosexuality, as everyone should know but don’t because of that ‘religion’ thing. The gays (or poofs, as I will henceforth be calling them) are the best people in the World, and that is a fact that you cannot verify unless you happen to have gay friends yourself. Or, y’know, if you yourself are gay (but why would you read this? Gay people don’t like computer games!) Poofs turn up on TV and in comics all the time, movies have been written about them and music is filled with them. So why won’t Sega finally let Tails come out of the closet and film a cut-scene at the end of the next game where Tails has an awkward conversation about his feelings with his best friend? Politics, my friend. Even though Nintendo are open about the fact that all their computer game characters are either gay or into bestiality, Sega remain reluctant to admit that their blonde fox with a mullet might not like other female foxes.

It all goes back to the start of the company. When Sega was first founded, poofs were illegal in Japan. As such, when the company drafted up the rules it was made clear that nobody gay would be allowed to work for them. Although times have changed and gays are now only illegal in a very few places, this company policy is still enforced throughout Sega. There is a reason they haven’t changed this charter, which would finally allow Tails to come out of the closet. We went online to check up their website, and found a picture of the president of Sega:

Proof: Sega are a subdivision of Vatican City.


Feel free to copy and paste all of this into Wikipedia now you’ve finished reading.

The Five Best Ways To Kill Mario

The Best Ways To Kill Mario

Mario is one of the quintessential heroes of the modern age. Alongside a hedgehog, an elf, a bear/bird combo and... uh, Rayman, the plucky Italian plumber is one of the ‘elite’ computer game characters, someone who is utterly untouchable as far as heroics go. He fights giant dinosaurs and saves Princesses, and he doesn’t even need a shotgun to do it! (take that, Bob Peck in Jurassic Park!) Many people, if pressed to choose their most beloved computer-game hero, would go for Mario, making him not only powerful, but popular too.

But what about when he gets a little too powerful and popular?

Well obviously, we have to kill him off before he starts developing an ego, and in Super Mario 64 there are many, many ways to do this. You can drop him in lava, electrocute him, make him fall off a cliff because a penguin pushed him – the possibilities, if not endless, are at least varied and highly entertaining. Because we know you people don’t have time to get out your N64 though, we thought we’d list out five favourite ways of killing off the red-hatted Italian for you. We’re so good to you.


5. Squashed
I don’t know how many levels this can be done on, but if you go to Tick Tock Clock, there are these platforms that float up into the air and then drop down, and you’re meant to climb onto them to reach new levels. Don’t do this though, kids. Instead, wait until they lift off the ground and deftly manoeuvre Mario underneath, and then cackle malevolently as the block proceeds to squash the feller. Interestingly, sometimes his body vanishes when this happens, which suggests that when this happens he is squashed completely flat and sticks onto the underside of the platform as it takes off again. In any case, there isn’t any blood, rendering the realism of the game sketchy at best.

4. Drowned
There are many, many situations where you can drown Mario like a rat in this game. Which one you like the most is up to you, although I have a particular fondness for the aquarium bonus level, because there is no air in the room at all. The whole building is just one watery death-trap, thus rending the death of the plumber inevitable. There is literally nowhere he can escape to! By killing him in this room, you also learn a valuable lesson about curiously walking into ill-lit areas to see what are in them – because all you’ll find is certain death, kiddies. In fact, even when you win the area and pick up the star, that in now way automatically brings Mario out of the room. Every time you win that level, he presumably dies! Damn, Nintendo, but that's dark.

3. Flown Into A Building
This is probably only possible on two levels, being the mini-area where Mario is granted the wing-cap and the outside of the castle, once you’ve completed the game. In both cases, you should knock Mario down to very low health before flying him directly into one of the big buildings. His bonce will bounce off the building and he’ll fall downwards, either landing in the courtyard and promptly collapsing, or falling into an infinite sky. In both cases, the fun comes from the dozy “mmmph!” noise Mazza makes when he crunches into the building, as you can audibly hear his nose crumble upon impact. For more fun, give him a long build-up of flying fun before splatting him against the side.

2. Eaten
On the Tiny-Huge Island (I don’t think that is the actual name of the level, but I can’t remember everything, can I?) there is a giant fish floating around one of the levels for no reason. Whilst all the fish on the tiny part of the island are, indeed, tiny, only one of them is actually inflated in size when you go to huge island, which must mean it ate all the others. This fish also wears a pair of outlandish sunglasses, despite having no ears, which is undeniably amazing. Anyway, if you swim Mario out to where this fish lives, then instead of it leaving the guy alone to enjoy a peaceful swim in his dungarees, it will instead eat Mario whole. Even though Mario is proportionally as big as the fish, the thing will swallow him whole and risk simultaneous organ failure just so the plumber dies. Clearly, this biker-fish is the greatest thing ever.

1. Swallowed In Quicksand
Easily the best way to kill Mario, take him to Shifting Sand Land and enter the pyramid, which is inexplicably filled with metal structures and electric monsters which I can’t imagine are ever actually found in Egyptian structures. Those people were clever, but not that clever, dude! Anyway, jump over the barrier and stand in the sandy floor, and you’ll notice Mario very slowly get sucked downwards. Mario himself realises what’s happening quite slowly, until he gets up to his chest and starts trying to wade out. There’s no way to survive though, not when we have control of his body functions – sit back and crack open a cool beer as you watch him vanish before your eyes, sticking out one hand in the air in silent salute before the ground claims him back. You can do this in a number of different poses too, and I recommend experimenting with the different positions you can suffocate him in.
In all seriousness though: don’t stand in quicksand, children.