There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?
This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.
Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”
In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.
Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.
Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .
It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.
In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.
Showing posts with label If I Namedrop Subway Perhaps They Will Sponsor Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label If I Namedrop Subway Perhaps They Will Sponsor Me. Show all posts
Friday, 12 September 2008
Sunday, 27 July 2008
The Secret World of Sonic The Hedgehog
Sonic the Hedgehog is one of the most recognised computer game characters of all time, a blue hedgehog with a short patience and the ability to run really, really fast. Created by Sega, he has starred in several of their most popular games, and it second only to Mario in terms of worldwide fame, when it comes to computer game characters. The premise of most of his games are simple: run to the exit as quickly as you can. Avoid the baddies and run like a devil over different levels until you make it to the exit. It is simple, but very addictive, and the popularity of the games has meant that the character has crossed over into comics and television several times over the past few decades. It’s all a very simple premise, which is what makes it so surprising to find that there are several dangerous aspects of the series which Sega have repeatedly tried to hide from the public. Cover-ups, conspiracies, and recurring illegal practises are inextricably linked to the games, and once you’ve read up on the disturbing shadowy overworld that makes up Sonic The Hedgehog, you won’t be able to view the lil’ blue spinester in the same way again.
Cover-Up 1: Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies
During the early development of the first Sonic game, Sega were faced with a budgetary issue, as they found they were rapidly losing money due to increased global fondness for red-capped plumbers. With nowhere else to turn, the company struck a deal with several fast food companies in order to fund their labour of love. In the process, however, they had to make several concessions in order to fulfil their contracts. The main villain, Dr Robotnik – an evil half-unicorn, half-robot badass – was replaced with Dr ‘Ivo’ Robotnik, who was all-human. This changed the story significantly, as Ivo’s backstory (which was later retconned further, as will be detailed below) was made to be more in line with fast food desires. No longer a unicorn who was evil due to grief at the death of his species because of hedgehogs, Robotnik now became an allegorical symbol of the egg-industry.
Ivo Robotnik was a mild-natured man who was turned evil after an egg exploded in his face, thus transforming him into a fat, beady-eyed villain with an indeterminately gay moustache (see “the refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality”, below). It was the conclusion of the general public that this story was designed to make Robotnik the very essence of a “rotten egg”, but in reality this was Sega’s way of downplaying the healthy and nutritious value of eating eggs every day. As Mr Strong has proved, eating eggs is a great way to grow up to be big and strong – exactly the characteristics that fast food chains do not want associated with their customers (apart from Subways, who offer superb quality food for great value). The name ‘Ivo’ is the reverse of ‘Ovi’, based on the Latin for ‘eggs’. Later, the character was connected even more strongly to the egg industry through the unexplained change from ‘Dr Robotnik’ to ‘Dr Eggman’. This was all based off the further payments Sega received after the failure of the Dreamcast, which saved it from bankruptcy.
Conspiracy 1: Is there a company-wide hatred for Australians?
The basis for this conspiracy stems around a character introduced in Sonic 3; called Knuckles. A red echidna, Knuckles personifies the country of Australia almost as much as the once-planned “Retard the platypus” would have done. Retard was originally imagined to be Sonic’s idiotic friend who runs a surfing shop, who continually attempts to sell Sonic surfboards even though Sonic has no need for them because water instantly kills him. Retard was scrapped after the company realised that portraying an Australian as someone capable of running a small business was too positive, and instead Knuckles was born. His role was to guard the Master Emerald, a source of massive power within the Sonic Universe, and he does so diligently by sitting on his arse all day and doing jack-all. When it comes time to actually do some work, he fails to beat Dr Robotnik – and on top of this failure, he is then tricked by the evil Dr into believing that Sonic is the real villain. Thus encouraged, Knuckles loses his temper and goes after Sonic with no thoughts for protecting the rest of the emeralds, and promptly loses in battle to the hedgehog.
After he realises how wrong he was, Knuckles goes back to sitting round all day and doing nothing, from time to time losing the emeralds due to his own uselessness or laziness, dependant on the game involved. Not only does he then prove to have the worst sections of all the most recent Sonic games, but he also is due to be kidnapped in the next game to be released; this time by aliens. For a character that is tasked with looking after a Master Emerald, Knuckles proves remarkably able to leave his duty behind to go off and take part in other Sonic games, where he plays sport without a care in the world. All in all, it seems remarkably clear that Sega have got it in for Australians.
Unanswered Question 1: Why does everyone like such a dick?
Sonic is a prick. Why do people keep buying his games?
Conspiracy 2: What’s with all the gambling?
Sonic games typically feature one level set in a carnival, and one set in a casino, where Sonic has to bounce off flippers and bumpers in order to make his way through the game safely. These are typically some of the hardest levels, but always provide a feeling of strong relief and achievement once they have been completed. This begs the question: what’s with all the gambling, Sega?
Unanswered Question 2: How do rings keep Sonic alive?
Mario collects coins, which makes sense, but Sonic collects ‘power rings’. How come they just sit around on the levels waiting for him to pick them up, then? If these rings give him so much power, wouldn’t it make sense for Dr Robotnik to simply take all of those, before he embarks on his quest to destroy the world? There’s a world of difference between fighting a blurry whizz-kid who can break the sound-barrier, and a hedgehog, y’know.
Conspiracy 3: Are Sega trying to promote drug-use?
Chaos Emeralds. They are the item that Robotnik is always trying to steal in order to turn the world into ‘Egg-Topia’ (see above, “Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies”) and thus rule the world. They are interesting, in that they are hard to find and obtain, but contain almost unlimited energy that can be used by the characters whenever they want a fix. If a character gains all seven of the emeralds that exist in-universe, then they ’transform’. Sonic, in particular, turns golden and starts going completely mental whenever he uses them all together, and other characters have also been shown as ‘going golden’. This is, to put it “bluntly” (ha!), due to the efforts of ‘Sonic Team’, the designers responsible for creating the games. A bunch of meth-addled creatives with a flair for hokey dialogue, Sonic Team are high all the time, and they want you to join them. They don’t want to actively be seen promoting drugs, of course, so instead they decided to put in this aspect of the Chaos emeralds.
Mario collects power stars, but once he collects them they go in a fault. Donkey Kong collects bananas so he can eat. Sonic… gets a charge off of Chaos Emeralds. In many respects, as he goes from game to game and fights Robotnik again and again, he has become a junkie, relying on the benefits of the Emeralds to boost his power time and time again. Super Sonic, as he becomes, is then able to completely save the day with his massive OTT powers. He becomes faster and taller and stronger and he has forceshields – and he’s a little bit addled. He becomes a meth-addict, in other words. And every game sees him do this at the end, making him not just an addict, but a full-blown junkie. Sure, Sonic ‘says’ he does it to save the day, but how can we trust an anthropomorphic hedgehog?
Cover-Up 2: The refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality.
If you know anything about Sonic the Hedgehog, then you’ll know that I’m about to mention a certain character, That’s right: Tails. Tails is a Stuart Miles lookalike who also happens to be a fox with two tails. He is, as is made ludicrously obvious to everyone in the World, a gay man. He likes floating around by whipping his tails around in a tight circle which lets him hover above the ground, and his best friends are blue, pink, and red. That sentence may well be the most gay sentence ever written to not actually invoke any gay references in it. On top of this, Tails spends most of his time with Sonic floating behind him, watching his blue bottom with a fearless devotion and passionate intensity that hasn’t been seen since Des and Mel got taken off the air. It is obvious that Tails is gay. So why hasn’t he come out as gay, you wonder?
There is nothing wrong with homosexuality, as everyone should know but don’t because of that ‘religion’ thing. The gays (or poofs, as I will henceforth be calling them) are the best people in the World, and that is a fact that you cannot verify unless you happen to have gay friends yourself. Or, y’know, if you yourself are gay (but why would you read this? Gay people don’t like computer games!) Poofs turn up on TV and in comics all the time, movies have been written about them and music is filled with them. So why won’t Sega finally let Tails come out of the closet and film a cut-scene at the end of the next game where Tails has an awkward conversation about his feelings with his best friend? Politics, my friend. Even though Nintendo are open about the fact that all their computer game characters are either gay or into bestiality, Sega remain reluctant to admit that their blonde fox with a mullet might not like other female foxes.
It all goes back to the start of the company. When Sega was first founded, poofs were illegal in Japan. As such, when the company drafted up the rules it was made clear that nobody gay would be allowed to work for them. Although times have changed and gays are now only illegal in a very few places, this company policy is still enforced throughout Sega. There is a reason they haven’t changed this charter, which would finally allow Tails to come out of the closet. We went online to check up their website, and found a picture of the president of Sega:
Cover-Up 1: Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies
During the early development of the first Sonic game, Sega were faced with a budgetary issue, as they found they were rapidly losing money due to increased global fondness for red-capped plumbers. With nowhere else to turn, the company struck a deal with several fast food companies in order to fund their labour of love. In the process, however, they had to make several concessions in order to fulfil their contracts. The main villain, Dr Robotnik – an evil half-unicorn, half-robot badass – was replaced with Dr ‘Ivo’ Robotnik, who was all-human. This changed the story significantly, as Ivo’s backstory (which was later retconned further, as will be detailed below) was made to be more in line with fast food desires. No longer a unicorn who was evil due to grief at the death of his species because of hedgehogs, Robotnik now became an allegorical symbol of the egg-industry.
Ivo Robotnik was a mild-natured man who was turned evil after an egg exploded in his face, thus transforming him into a fat, beady-eyed villain with an indeterminately gay moustache (see “the refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality”, below). It was the conclusion of the general public that this story was designed to make Robotnik the very essence of a “rotten egg”, but in reality this was Sega’s way of downplaying the healthy and nutritious value of eating eggs every day. As Mr Strong has proved, eating eggs is a great way to grow up to be big and strong – exactly the characteristics that fast food chains do not want associated with their customers (apart from Subways, who offer superb quality food for great value). The name ‘Ivo’ is the reverse of ‘Ovi’, based on the Latin for ‘eggs’. Later, the character was connected even more strongly to the egg industry through the unexplained change from ‘Dr Robotnik’ to ‘Dr Eggman’. This was all based off the further payments Sega received after the failure of the Dreamcast, which saved it from bankruptcy.
Conspiracy 1: Is there a company-wide hatred for Australians?
The basis for this conspiracy stems around a character introduced in Sonic 3; called Knuckles. A red echidna, Knuckles personifies the country of Australia almost as much as the once-planned “Retard the platypus” would have done. Retard was originally imagined to be Sonic’s idiotic friend who runs a surfing shop, who continually attempts to sell Sonic surfboards even though Sonic has no need for them because water instantly kills him. Retard was scrapped after the company realised that portraying an Australian as someone capable of running a small business was too positive, and instead Knuckles was born. His role was to guard the Master Emerald, a source of massive power within the Sonic Universe, and he does so diligently by sitting on his arse all day and doing jack-all. When it comes time to actually do some work, he fails to beat Dr Robotnik – and on top of this failure, he is then tricked by the evil Dr into believing that Sonic is the real villain. Thus encouraged, Knuckles loses his temper and goes after Sonic with no thoughts for protecting the rest of the emeralds, and promptly loses in battle to the hedgehog.
After he realises how wrong he was, Knuckles goes back to sitting round all day and doing nothing, from time to time losing the emeralds due to his own uselessness or laziness, dependant on the game involved. Not only does he then prove to have the worst sections of all the most recent Sonic games, but he also is due to be kidnapped in the next game to be released; this time by aliens. For a character that is tasked with looking after a Master Emerald, Knuckles proves remarkably able to leave his duty behind to go off and take part in other Sonic games, where he plays sport without a care in the world. All in all, it seems remarkably clear that Sega have got it in for Australians.
Unanswered Question 1: Why does everyone like such a dick?
Sonic is a prick. Why do people keep buying his games?
Conspiracy 2: What’s with all the gambling?
Sonic games typically feature one level set in a carnival, and one set in a casino, where Sonic has to bounce off flippers and bumpers in order to make his way through the game safely. These are typically some of the hardest levels, but always provide a feeling of strong relief and achievement once they have been completed. This begs the question: what’s with all the gambling, Sega?
Unanswered Question 2: How do rings keep Sonic alive?
Mario collects coins, which makes sense, but Sonic collects ‘power rings’. How come they just sit around on the levels waiting for him to pick them up, then? If these rings give him so much power, wouldn’t it make sense for Dr Robotnik to simply take all of those, before he embarks on his quest to destroy the world? There’s a world of difference between fighting a blurry whizz-kid who can break the sound-barrier, and a hedgehog, y’know.
Conspiracy 3: Are Sega trying to promote drug-use?
Chaos Emeralds. They are the item that Robotnik is always trying to steal in order to turn the world into ‘Egg-Topia’ (see above, “Sonic The Hedgehog is illicitly sponsored by fast food companies”) and thus rule the world. They are interesting, in that they are hard to find and obtain, but contain almost unlimited energy that can be used by the characters whenever they want a fix. If a character gains all seven of the emeralds that exist in-universe, then they ’transform’. Sonic, in particular, turns golden and starts going completely mental whenever he uses them all together, and other characters have also been shown as ‘going golden’. This is, to put it “bluntly” (ha!), due to the efforts of ‘Sonic Team’, the designers responsible for creating the games. A bunch of meth-addled creatives with a flair for hokey dialogue, Sonic Team are high all the time, and they want you to join them. They don’t want to actively be seen promoting drugs, of course, so instead they decided to put in this aspect of the Chaos emeralds.
Mario collects power stars, but once he collects them they go in a fault. Donkey Kong collects bananas so he can eat. Sonic… gets a charge off of Chaos Emeralds. In many respects, as he goes from game to game and fights Robotnik again and again, he has become a junkie, relying on the benefits of the Emeralds to boost his power time and time again. Super Sonic, as he becomes, is then able to completely save the day with his massive OTT powers. He becomes faster and taller and stronger and he has forceshields – and he’s a little bit addled. He becomes a meth-addict, in other words. And every game sees him do this at the end, making him not just an addict, but a full-blown junkie. Sure, Sonic ‘says’ he does it to save the day, but how can we trust an anthropomorphic hedgehog?
Cover-Up 2: The refusal of Sega to accept homosexuality.
If you know anything about Sonic the Hedgehog, then you’ll know that I’m about to mention a certain character, That’s right: Tails. Tails is a Stuart Miles lookalike who also happens to be a fox with two tails. He is, as is made ludicrously obvious to everyone in the World, a gay man. He likes floating around by whipping his tails around in a tight circle which lets him hover above the ground, and his best friends are blue, pink, and red. That sentence may well be the most gay sentence ever written to not actually invoke any gay references in it. On top of this, Tails spends most of his time with Sonic floating behind him, watching his blue bottom with a fearless devotion and passionate intensity that hasn’t been seen since Des and Mel got taken off the air. It is obvious that Tails is gay. So why hasn’t he come out as gay, you wonder?
There is nothing wrong with homosexuality, as everyone should know but don’t because of that ‘religion’ thing. The gays (or poofs, as I will henceforth be calling them) are the best people in the World, and that is a fact that you cannot verify unless you happen to have gay friends yourself. Or, y’know, if you yourself are gay (but why would you read this? Gay people don’t like computer games!) Poofs turn up on TV and in comics all the time, movies have been written about them and music is filled with them. So why won’t Sega finally let Tails come out of the closet and film a cut-scene at the end of the next game where Tails has an awkward conversation about his feelings with his best friend? Politics, my friend. Even though Nintendo are open about the fact that all their computer game characters are either gay or into bestiality, Sega remain reluctant to admit that their blonde fox with a mullet might not like other female foxes.
It all goes back to the start of the company. When Sega was first founded, poofs were illegal in Japan. As such, when the company drafted up the rules it was made clear that nobody gay would be allowed to work for them. Although times have changed and gays are now only illegal in a very few places, this company policy is still enforced throughout Sega. There is a reason they haven’t changed this charter, which would finally allow Tails to come out of the closet. We went online to check up their website, and found a picture of the president of Sega:
Proof: Sega are a subdivision of Vatican City.
Feel free to copy and paste all of this into Wikipedia now you’ve finished reading.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
How To Properly Eat A Happy Meal
Step 1: Make sure that you have chosen the best meal option available – the Chicken McNuggets. All other nuggets pale in comparison to these reconstituted and gloriously golden chunks, and McDonalds has yet to make anything which can capture the nuggety taste sensation that was their creative culinary peak. Not since the McNugget has anyone been able to capture the full taste of reformed chicken so that it tastes like a shimmering spice explosion, yet maintain their crisp exterior and oh-so-soft interior. The burgers are coated in some form of strange thing plastic clingfilm, the cheeseburgers are hampered by the way the burger is always more cooked that the cheese, while the bun is still cold, and the fish-fingers take up to three months each for them to cook. McNuggets are your only way forward. Take fries with it, as opposed to carrot sticks. It may be tempting to go for the orange bit of vegetable over the yellow sticks of dubious origin, but this temptress is a lying minx who will lead you to ruin. The carrot sticks are horrific, the chips are passable. You can choose whichever drink you like.
Step 2: Make sure that you have gathered together at least three pots of ketchup. These will be essential – almost every bite you take requires ketchup. At some point.
Step 3: Read the outside for a few minutes, taking part in whatever quizzes may be emblazoned around the sides. If you are struggling for answers, then do not fear; they are printed on the underside of the box. Don’t use a pen to answer anything or solve the mazes, because you might want to try them again at a later date. Open the box.
Step 4: Take out everything, including the toy. Do not open the toy. Instead look at it and try to figure out what movable parts it has, and if it could make a good weapon in any way. Arrange napkins across your tray, and drop all the chips onto them, so that they don’t touch the surface proper. You never know what might have happened on those trays. The chicken McNuggets should stay in their own separate box: do not open them at this point. This is vital. You are allowed to sip your drink, but no more than a few single sips are allowed at any one point. You’ll need to conserve your rations of the delicious fruity waterfall of joy until towards the end.
Step 5: Eat the fries. All of them. You are allowed to empty out all of the first pot (of three, remember) of ketchup alongside the fries. The best way to eat the chips is to take out the longer ones first and devour them mercilessly, snapping off their heads and biting them in half, before turning your ravenous attention towards the weaker fries. Take them out in threes and fours, drowning them in ketchup and blinding them before sending them to join their lanky friends. If you’re with a friend (which… we hope you are) then talk to them incessantly. You only get so many years in a life, and it would be a shame not to make the most of them. Tell them about your favourite colour, how you worry about the fact you haven’t yet seen ‘Blade Runner’, or debate with reasoned points how likely you consider it to be that the girl/boy behind the counter harbours a slight crush on you. Make the most of your years. Eat the fries. Once they are gone, shove the packaging back inside the Happy Meal Box.
Step 6: Ignore the outside world. Shut everything out; because you are about to embark upon a deeply personal eating experience, one that does not come along every day.
Step 7: The McNuggets. I won't help you with this, but don't panic. When the time comes... you’ll know what to do.
Step 8: Once the McNuggets are gone, you’ll return to reality and realise that you’ve finished the ketchup, except for one little streak along the side of one of the tubs. Take your finger and gather this remaining reminder of the ketchup and use the stickiness of the condiment to gather all the last few crumbs of McNugget together on your finger. Then suck that finger like there’s no tomorrow! Do it. If you wish, at this point you can take the box for the nuggets and tilt it so any of the remaining buds of crumby taste and goodness fall into your waiting mouth. This is not frowned upon, but at the same time is inadvisable if you have chosen to take a date to McDonalds.
Step 9: Rip the lid off the drink. Literally – rip it. Tear that sucker off and gaze at the refreshing, fizzing drink, of which at least half should still remain. Then pick up the cup and start draining it so that you get a headache from the cold, much like when you down icecream too quickly. Let the pain come. You can take as many swigs as you wish, but do not take your time. Get rid of the drink as quickly as possible. If you have a friend/date with you, then maintain a knowing eye contact with them for the duration of the experience.
Step 10: Eat the ice cubes… one at a time.
And you’re done. Of course, if you want a real delicious meal which is healthy and has those low, low prices that you love, then go to Subways. Go on: treat yourself!
Step 2: Make sure that you have gathered together at least three pots of ketchup. These will be essential – almost every bite you take requires ketchup. At some point.
Step 3: Read the outside for a few minutes, taking part in whatever quizzes may be emblazoned around the sides. If you are struggling for answers, then do not fear; they are printed on the underside of the box. Don’t use a pen to answer anything or solve the mazes, because you might want to try them again at a later date. Open the box.
Step 4: Take out everything, including the toy. Do not open the toy. Instead look at it and try to figure out what movable parts it has, and if it could make a good weapon in any way. Arrange napkins across your tray, and drop all the chips onto them, so that they don’t touch the surface proper. You never know what might have happened on those trays. The chicken McNuggets should stay in their own separate box: do not open them at this point. This is vital. You are allowed to sip your drink, but no more than a few single sips are allowed at any one point. You’ll need to conserve your rations of the delicious fruity waterfall of joy until towards the end.
Step 5: Eat the fries. All of them. You are allowed to empty out all of the first pot (of three, remember) of ketchup alongside the fries. The best way to eat the chips is to take out the longer ones first and devour them mercilessly, snapping off their heads and biting them in half, before turning your ravenous attention towards the weaker fries. Take them out in threes and fours, drowning them in ketchup and blinding them before sending them to join their lanky friends. If you’re with a friend (which… we hope you are) then talk to them incessantly. You only get so many years in a life, and it would be a shame not to make the most of them. Tell them about your favourite colour, how you worry about the fact you haven’t yet seen ‘Blade Runner’, or debate with reasoned points how likely you consider it to be that the girl/boy behind the counter harbours a slight crush on you. Make the most of your years. Eat the fries. Once they are gone, shove the packaging back inside the Happy Meal Box.
Step 6: Ignore the outside world. Shut everything out; because you are about to embark upon a deeply personal eating experience, one that does not come along every day.
Step 7: The McNuggets. I won't help you with this, but don't panic. When the time comes... you’ll know what to do.
Step 8: Once the McNuggets are gone, you’ll return to reality and realise that you’ve finished the ketchup, except for one little streak along the side of one of the tubs. Take your finger and gather this remaining reminder of the ketchup and use the stickiness of the condiment to gather all the last few crumbs of McNugget together on your finger. Then suck that finger like there’s no tomorrow! Do it. If you wish, at this point you can take the box for the nuggets and tilt it so any of the remaining buds of crumby taste and goodness fall into your waiting mouth. This is not frowned upon, but at the same time is inadvisable if you have chosen to take a date to McDonalds.
Step 9: Rip the lid off the drink. Literally – rip it. Tear that sucker off and gaze at the refreshing, fizzing drink, of which at least half should still remain. Then pick up the cup and start draining it so that you get a headache from the cold, much like when you down icecream too quickly. Let the pain come. You can take as many swigs as you wish, but do not take your time. Get rid of the drink as quickly as possible. If you have a friend/date with you, then maintain a knowing eye contact with them for the duration of the experience.
Step 10: Eat the ice cubes… one at a time.
And you’re done. Of course, if you want a real delicious meal which is healthy and has those low, low prices that you love, then go to Subways. Go on: treat yourself!
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Places You Shouldn’t Be Taking Your Infant Baby
No 3: McDonalds
You’d think that taking your infant to McDonalds would be the preserve of the chav, scav, and people from Manchester, but the sad reality is that the middle class are the most guilty of this sin. It’s a way for them to win cheap affection from their kids by buying them a happy meal which not only saves them the hassle of having to cook a meal, but also gives them license to eat a McFlurry. And parents are suckers for those ice-creams. I have nothing against people who take their children to McDonalds once in a while (the McNuggets in particular I highly recommend), but why do adults, smart and rational ones at that… why do they take infants to McDonalds? All the babies ever do is cry as their mum (you rarely see a dad in a McDonalds, surprisingly) looks on out the window. Nobody is happy in this situation! Just don’t do it! If you go anywhere with your kids, screw the McDonalds entirely and go to Subways instead.
No 4: A French Market
I’ll admit that that last section there was a piece of filler so I could justify this half of the blog entry. French markets! I have had the dubious pleasure of going to markets around the world, and you can see the cultural identity of every race from the way they organise a market. African markets tend to specialise in cheap knock-offs of famous brands whilst Australians rock a market the same way they rock everything else, with surf-boards and glowsticks among the things you’ll find on sale. Inevitably there will be a basket-stall too, with a grumpy old woman weaving miserably whiles smoking something of dubious legality. British markets are dull and dismal affairs, much like the people, selling bags of sweets and rugs. We also have on offer the most singularly depressing mix of charitable second-hand toys you will find the World over, from people trying to sell old Happy Meal toys through to “beanie babies – beanless” and jigsaw puzzles with no pieces (build the rest yourself from cardboard! Fun for the whole family!) French markets, in contrast, are the most vibrant of all. People wander round offering free samples of anything, there are cool gadgets and mimes and people who sit on the floor and paint things for you to buy! It’s great fun… so long as you don’t invite your children along.
Any child under the age of twelve will be petrified at a French market. Y’know why? Because the French have no concept of what is - and what isn’t - an attractive display to lure customers. What they do have is a horrifying constitution that allows them to eat pretty much anything that moves. Mix the two together, and you get this:
You’d think that taking your infant to McDonalds would be the preserve of the chav, scav, and people from Manchester, but the sad reality is that the middle class are the most guilty of this sin. It’s a way for them to win cheap affection from their kids by buying them a happy meal which not only saves them the hassle of having to cook a meal, but also gives them license to eat a McFlurry. And parents are suckers for those ice-creams. I have nothing against people who take their children to McDonalds once in a while (the McNuggets in particular I highly recommend), but why do adults, smart and rational ones at that… why do they take infants to McDonalds? All the babies ever do is cry as their mum (you rarely see a dad in a McDonalds, surprisingly) looks on out the window. Nobody is happy in this situation! Just don’t do it! If you go anywhere with your kids, screw the McDonalds entirely and go to Subways instead.
No 4: A French Market
I’ll admit that that last section there was a piece of filler so I could justify this half of the blog entry. French markets! I have had the dubious pleasure of going to markets around the world, and you can see the cultural identity of every race from the way they organise a market. African markets tend to specialise in cheap knock-offs of famous brands whilst Australians rock a market the same way they rock everything else, with surf-boards and glowsticks among the things you’ll find on sale. Inevitably there will be a basket-stall too, with a grumpy old woman weaving miserably whiles smoking something of dubious legality. British markets are dull and dismal affairs, much like the people, selling bags of sweets and rugs. We also have on offer the most singularly depressing mix of charitable second-hand toys you will find the World over, from people trying to sell old Happy Meal toys through to “beanie babies – beanless” and jigsaw puzzles with no pieces (build the rest yourself from cardboard! Fun for the whole family!) French markets, in contrast, are the most vibrant of all. People wander round offering free samples of anything, there are cool gadgets and mimes and people who sit on the floor and paint things for you to buy! It’s great fun… so long as you don’t invite your children along.
Any child under the age of twelve will be petrified at a French market. Y’know why? Because the French have no concept of what is - and what isn’t - an attractive display to lure customers. What they do have is a horrifying constitution that allows them to eat pretty much anything that moves. Mix the two together, and you get this:
Keep your children the hell away from French markets.
Friday, 11 April 2008
The Three Least Endangered Species
Last year it was announced that many of the animal species native to Britain are starting to die out, and animals as diverse and iconic (if that’s the right word) as the cuckoo and hedgehog are now thought of as credible worries, extinction-wise. Other animals, such as the falcon and fox, are having to adapt to the increasingly urban environment of Britain, which has helped the Peregrine Falcon recover from its position on the endangered-species list, but at what cost? Yet there are some animals who, no matter how quickly we urbanise the countryside, show no sign of just fucking dying already. The RSPCA has a list of animals who are not endangered, and it makes for worrying reading. The only animals which are increasing in numbers are the animals that are fucking annoying and nobody likes, which means that in the future, humans can look forward to a lifetime of fond reminiscing towards badgers, while millions of flies bang incessantly against the dining-room window. For the sake of the list, flies weren’t included, because the RSPCA thinks them “too obvious” a choice. Here, though, are the three animals who don’t seem to be dying out, no matter what we do to their homes.
1: The Seagull
Once upon a time, the only place anyone would find seagulls would be, somewhat predictably, in areas close to the sea. Recently though the winged creatures have begun moving inwards, finding that the food humans drop on the streets is highly delicious (especially Subways sandwiches, which they treasure highly) and that the warmth offered by the streets is rather lovely, actually. As such, seagulls no longer are the preserve of the beach, and are found in streets across the country, walking across the roads and giving the evil eye to any cars which dare try to cross them.
Why This Is Bad
Seagulls are real bad motherflippers. Whilst the pigeon problem is something which the RSPCA are keeping a close eye on, the reality is that pigeons are nice and dim, whereas seagulls are crafty and devious. Not content with just eating food they find on the floor, the gulls have realised that they can maximise their food intake by dive-bombing people holding delicious chips or a sandwich and knocking the food to the floor. Pigeons walk around in a daze, astonished because everything is just so real to them; seagulls actively set out to rule the world. They will attack people for little to no reason, and whenever a human fights back they take to the air and cackle in a manner which would likely cause Machiavelli himself to cry. And they spend a lot of time shouting at each other, especially in the early mornings. The call of a nightingale or owl is actually rather soothing, but a seagull’s yelp was designed to chill right through to the bone. One thing is clear – as soon as seagulls realise how to work a door, the pastry industry will be ruined.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Seagulls have the distinct advantage of flight, which means the best way to defy the creatures is to purchase some form of blunderbuss. As seagulls group together, with such a weapon you can be guaranteed of taking down the entire group at once, and less aiming is required. The best tactic to help wind down the numbers of seagulls in the world is to coat the ground in poison, rendering all food dropped to the floor deadly to the creatures. This proposal, however, has been shelved by our liberal government.
2: The Wasp
Although last year was rather disappointing for wasp lovers round the World, these insects can’t be held down (literally: they will sting you) or tied up (a silly idea in the first place, really). Every summer swarms and swarms of them descend upon the British countryside, getting stuck in windows and having a damn fine time with anyone foolish enough to attempt a picnic nearby. To emphasise just how many wasps there are, consider the fact that a group of wasps is called a swarm. A swarm, people.
Why This Is Bad
Wasps sting people for no reason and it is impossible to guess when they will next strike. Practically every human in Britain will get stung at one point or another, and in some cases this could even be fatal. Some people, you see, are allergic to wasp stings. This doesn’t stop the stripy buggers though; as they will attack anything that moves. They are especially adept at attacking anyone with something sugary and delicious, meaning that again, pastry-makers need to maintain a constant vigilance against them. In addition to all of this stinging, it is believed by many that the wasp race have the ants working for them to collect food all year round, which is then presented on a large leaf for the wasps to take home with them. This is slavery, and slavery is (usually) wrong.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Flamethrowers. Lots and lots of flamethrowers. Failing this, doing large amounts of damage to the O-Zone Layer will increase the temperature of the earth and make the weather erratic, which will kill off millions of wasps in one fell swoop.
3: The Rat
Rats have long been the science communities’ experimentation animal of choice, having a mind similar to those of humans – not surprising to anyone who has ever visited Hull – and seemingly endless numbers. Rats are notoriously tolerant of any hazard put in their way: they can take extreme temperatures and are able to go many days without eating. They are survivors, and tend to live in the holes between your walls and under the very floor you are currently sat on a chair which is stood up on. Rats are considered a valuable member of the animal community by many Eastern nations, but the main connection Westerners make with them is “Rat! Rat! In my house!” This will then be prompted by several minutes of standing on a tall stool and shouting for your cat to come save the day, if you are a large black woman of dubious racial background.
Why This Is Bad
This is bad because rats are the scariest animals ever, if you are a woman. While men tend to maintain a calm sense of peacefulness when a rat appears, women have a part of their brain devoted to shrieking which kicks in whenever a rat (or minority, if you are from Texas) walks by. And if you didn’t already know this – shrieking is really painful on the ol’ ears. Stereotypes apart, the rise in numbers of rats is disturbing because rats traditionally carry many, many diseases on them without having any reaction to them. Humans who come into contact with a rat, however? Forget about it. You won’t last a week. Rats caused the plague, and many people (myself included) are wary that the rats are probably biding their time before they do it again. They are generally rather bad news for humans, living off crumbs and mess made my us and carrying fleas and ticks to other innocent animals like cats and dogs.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Very little. Rats are bred to be survivors, and the only way we could ever be certain to wipe them all out would be to start a nuclear war against their kind. Even if we did do this, inevitably some of them would mutate and gain super-powers, thus requiring us to call up Godzilla to help us out again. It’s just not a viable option for us.
1: The Seagull
Once upon a time, the only place anyone would find seagulls would be, somewhat predictably, in areas close to the sea. Recently though the winged creatures have begun moving inwards, finding that the food humans drop on the streets is highly delicious (especially Subways sandwiches, which they treasure highly) and that the warmth offered by the streets is rather lovely, actually. As such, seagulls no longer are the preserve of the beach, and are found in streets across the country, walking across the roads and giving the evil eye to any cars which dare try to cross them.
Why This Is Bad
Seagulls are real bad motherflippers. Whilst the pigeon problem is something which the RSPCA are keeping a close eye on, the reality is that pigeons are nice and dim, whereas seagulls are crafty and devious. Not content with just eating food they find on the floor, the gulls have realised that they can maximise their food intake by dive-bombing people holding delicious chips or a sandwich and knocking the food to the floor. Pigeons walk around in a daze, astonished because everything is just so real to them; seagulls actively set out to rule the world. They will attack people for little to no reason, and whenever a human fights back they take to the air and cackle in a manner which would likely cause Machiavelli himself to cry. And they spend a lot of time shouting at each other, especially in the early mornings. The call of a nightingale or owl is actually rather soothing, but a seagull’s yelp was designed to chill right through to the bone. One thing is clear – as soon as seagulls realise how to work a door, the pastry industry will be ruined.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Seagulls have the distinct advantage of flight, which means the best way to defy the creatures is to purchase some form of blunderbuss. As seagulls group together, with such a weapon you can be guaranteed of taking down the entire group at once, and less aiming is required. The best tactic to help wind down the numbers of seagulls in the world is to coat the ground in poison, rendering all food dropped to the floor deadly to the creatures. This proposal, however, has been shelved by our liberal government.
2: The Wasp
Although last year was rather disappointing for wasp lovers round the World, these insects can’t be held down (literally: they will sting you) or tied up (a silly idea in the first place, really). Every summer swarms and swarms of them descend upon the British countryside, getting stuck in windows and having a damn fine time with anyone foolish enough to attempt a picnic nearby. To emphasise just how many wasps there are, consider the fact that a group of wasps is called a swarm. A swarm, people.
Why This Is Bad
Wasps sting people for no reason and it is impossible to guess when they will next strike. Practically every human in Britain will get stung at one point or another, and in some cases this could even be fatal. Some people, you see, are allergic to wasp stings. This doesn’t stop the stripy buggers though; as they will attack anything that moves. They are especially adept at attacking anyone with something sugary and delicious, meaning that again, pastry-makers need to maintain a constant vigilance against them. In addition to all of this stinging, it is believed by many that the wasp race have the ants working for them to collect food all year round, which is then presented on a large leaf for the wasps to take home with them. This is slavery, and slavery is (usually) wrong.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Flamethrowers. Lots and lots of flamethrowers. Failing this, doing large amounts of damage to the O-Zone Layer will increase the temperature of the earth and make the weather erratic, which will kill off millions of wasps in one fell swoop.
3: The Rat
Rats have long been the science communities’ experimentation animal of choice, having a mind similar to those of humans – not surprising to anyone who has ever visited Hull – and seemingly endless numbers. Rats are notoriously tolerant of any hazard put in their way: they can take extreme temperatures and are able to go many days without eating. They are survivors, and tend to live in the holes between your walls and under the very floor you are currently sat on a chair which is stood up on. Rats are considered a valuable member of the animal community by many Eastern nations, but the main connection Westerners make with them is “Rat! Rat! In my house!” This will then be prompted by several minutes of standing on a tall stool and shouting for your cat to come save the day, if you are a large black woman of dubious racial background.
Why This Is Bad
This is bad because rats are the scariest animals ever, if you are a woman. While men tend to maintain a calm sense of peacefulness when a rat appears, women have a part of their brain devoted to shrieking which kicks in whenever a rat (or minority, if you are from Texas) walks by. And if you didn’t already know this – shrieking is really painful on the ol’ ears. Stereotypes apart, the rise in numbers of rats is disturbing because rats traditionally carry many, many diseases on them without having any reaction to them. Humans who come into contact with a rat, however? Forget about it. You won’t last a week. Rats caused the plague, and many people (myself included) are wary that the rats are probably biding their time before they do it again. They are generally rather bad news for humans, living off crumbs and mess made my us and carrying fleas and ticks to other innocent animals like cats and dogs.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Very little. Rats are bred to be survivors, and the only way we could ever be certain to wipe them all out would be to start a nuclear war against their kind. Even if we did do this, inevitably some of them would mutate and gain super-powers, thus requiring us to call up Godzilla to help us out again. It’s just not a viable option for us.
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