Five Names For A Mohawk That Are Better Than ‘Mohawk’

Of all haircuts, in all the world, there are none more breathtaking in their realisation of the human condition than the Mohawk. But that name, though! It’s awful. Only an old, old black man from Tennessee should ever be allowed to use that word, and only in response to the question “would you like some more roast hawk to eat, sir?” Yes, that was casually racist, but it was casual racism with a purpose: we need to get rid of the word Mohawk. We need a new word to replace it. Here are three possible candidates which are all far better than ‘mohawk’.


1: The Hope Bridge

This is a more religious approach to hair. A Hope Bridge would seem to imply that through a pilgrimage the average bystander would be able to become a stronger, more understanding person. Anyone who traverses the Hope Bridge would automatically see an upturn in their capacity for change and freedom. Little problems fade away, and big problems overturn themselves. All through one haircut.


2: The Finland

It is common knowledge that this style of haircut is most common in Finland, former suicide-capital of the world until so many people killed themselves the percentage of suicides went down by default. It's also the current home of crap Euro-death-rock band HIM, one of whom we assume has a haircut very similar to this mode. Children in Finland are, upon birth, slapped on the cheek, taken to a special incubator to make sure they can breathe okay, and then given their first haircut. Renaming it to ‘The Finland’ would be a fitting way of showing gratitude to the nation for their pioneering approach to hairstyling and cavalier/dangerous child-rearing methodology.


3: The Stegosaurus

The haircut makes your head look a little bit like a stegosaurus, you see. However, this name would also ask of the wearer that they braid the back of their hair into a pair of testicle-esque clubs which hang on the back of the neck, so as to capture the shape of a dinosaur tail.


4: The T-Grab

Named for Mr T, the most famous proponent of this style. The main aim of this name will be to help establish the number of foos currently in the vicinity.


5: The Tom Chaplin

What Keane are practically begging for are a series of more radical haircuts. With a new album on the way, would it be too much to ask that they spike up and break out the purple dye? If they do so, we would be more than willing to rename the styles after them in tribute.

Special Guest Writer for IEF: Daniel Plainview

I was walking through town earlier and couldn’t help but notice that there were men walking around all over the place wearing scarves. Now, it is not a particularly warm day I know, but the number of men who wear wearing bright red or yellow or… glittery… pieces of fabric round their neck was worrying. Over the past few years the trend appears to have been for men to start dressing like women, which does not bode well for the collective future of mankind. In the interests of keeping the gender divide divided, as it should be, I present to all men a few options for things that would be better to wrap around your neck than a scarf.

1: Gold Chains

Mr T popularised this particular outfit, where he would have several gold chains hanging liberally round his neck as he went off on wild adventures with his team and shot people and smoked cigars and avoided planes as much as possible. It is a fine thing for a man to wear gold chains, as it denotes importance and wealth, and most importantly a lack of respect for hooligans and foos. Nobody will rob a man who wears gold chains so brazenly; if he is willing to show off his riches to everyone as he goes about his business, he must be a bad mutha indeed.

2: A towel

Try this at home now. There is no science to prove this, but wearing a [towel] will increase your virility tenfold, and you will feel like the world is your bitch. This can be traced to boxing, where the fighters wear towels liberally, for minutes on end, before standing up and hitting another man for a few minutes before sitting down again and putting the towel back on. There is evidentially some form of healing property in the humble towel which makes men feel stronger and tougher and taller, for wearing one around your neck always feels right.

3: A dead boar

Hunting has been banned in Britain, but only for certain animals. Foxes are off the agenda, and badgers have been safe from gassing for many a year now. This is okay, for the only real animal that any man would want to hunt would be wild boar. There can be few feelings that match the pride you will have when you kick open the door of the family home holding a boar about your shoulders. Throw it down upon the table, and tell the woman to cook it immediately. This is living, my friend. This is living.

4: My Ring

Won't you wear my ring around your neckTo tell the world I'm yours, by heckLet them know I love you soAnd let them know by the ring around your neck.

5: A Snake.

Snakes are a representation of how large your penis is. Those who have a snake wrapped around their neck are showing literally to anyone who sees them that they are no stranger to long serpentine things. The snake should still be living when you put it on, because then it can move around and disturb other people when you aren’t looking, thus proving your dominance over them. In fact, snakes are useful on several occasions, as you can also set them on people who disrespect you and the death will be attributed to the snake and not to you. Snakes are also a delicious source of protein and the bones are crunchy. The snake you pick should be trained not to attack you, that is to say that you should spend a year training it to trust you alone, so that you gain a natural symbiosis with the animal. Symbiosis is the act of gaining a psychic link, so you can order the animal around with your mind. Do not allow your snake to boss you around; you have to show complete dominance.


When not writing, Daniel is an Oil Trader in California, where he enjoys the odd milkshake and runs a business with his son H.W.