Stephanie Meyer Announces a FIFTH Twilight Book!

Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series have been a tremendous success around the World, and possibly the area between the World and Mercury. While Venusians are keen on the timeless tale of vampires and werewolves and the human caught between them, the people of Mercury find the writing to be a little lacklustre. The Martians are outright angry about the existence of the books, furious that there are no strong Martian characters in any of the title roles. The books are most massively popular on Earth, where the books – and Robert Pattinson’s dreamy combination of looking like he hates being in the film adaptations and staring both to and from the camera – are some of the most read and loved in the World. After four books which take the story to the logical conclusion of turning the main character into a vampire and having the werewolf fall in love with her newborn baby, we all thought Meyer was done. Nobody expected there to be more novels in her, especially not ones which could capture the heart, imagination, verve and wit which were so admirably left out of the original quadrilogy.

Yet the news has just come through that Meyer IS currently in the process of writing a fifth novel. While it may seem that the stories Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn definitively told the story of Bella and Edward, the vampire couple who will glitter forevermore, the title of the new book suggests a new direction for the storyline. Titled “Lunchtime”, the novel follows on directly from the past four books and sees Bella struggling to cope with her hunger. Although she wants to gorge herself on the arteries of some orphan children, Edward doesn’t dig fat chicks and she develops bulimia as a result. Meanwhile her former love interest Jacob is happily married to her newborn baby, and they are living in Alaska.

Now, things seem to be simple so far, until the arrival of a zombie into the picture. Called Samuel, the zombie meets Bella and is instantly smitten. As she is dead and thus has no legal obligation to stay loyal to Edward, Bella elopes with Samuel in some gloomy woods and they stare at each other for the middle section of the book. Meanwhile Edward himself finds that his eternal love for Bella is severely tested by the arrival of a mermaid, whose watery tendrils drag him underwater. He learns that he has gills and was the son of The Mermaid King. He’s asked to stay underwater forevermore, living underneath a lake near a gloomy forest.

This may seem simple so far, but things get complicated when the newborn baby ‘imprints’ a human male called Leslie, who wears a deep overcoat and lives in council housing on his own, in a deserted neighbourhood. Leslie attempt to abduct the child, and Jacob is too distracted by his own struggle not to cheat on the baby with a Chimera. Although Leslie is eventually caught by the Werewolf council and eaten, Jacob is left an outcast by the clan and has to go live on his own in a gloomy forest.

You may be thinking “this is all pretty simple so far”. Well hold on to your hats, because one day Bella and Samuel go for a row on the lake where Edward is living as the Crown Mermaid Prince, and Jacob spots her. Running across the surface of the lake, as all werewolves are able to, he pounces on Bella and eats her for being unfaithful to Edward. At the very same time, Edward abandons the mermaids and returns to the surface. Upon seeing what has happened on the boat, he is about to attack Jacob when they suddenly imprint on each other and fall in love. They push Samuel over the side of the boat and he floats to the bottom of the lake, where he falls in love with the mermaid Princess and they rule the lake forever more.

The final chapter sees Edward and Jacob row away on their boat together, little aware that a Medusa called Stephanie is watching them. To be continued??

Welcome To England! Part 1

So you’re wanting to learn all about England, eh? I bet you’re a little overwhelmed by all the different things which our nation has to offer, friend! Don’t worry, Wilftonville will give you the lowdown on what things are.

1:

What Is This Building?

This building is called a library.

What is it for?

A very popular activity in England is called ‘reading’. The main crux of this activity is looking at words written on paper and comprehending them. Through this act of comprehending words, Englanders learn new facts which were previously a mystery to them. As a general rule though, they check the back of the book first to see if it will tell them the truth, or if it will lie to them. A book filled with lies is called ‘fictional’. People like reading both lies and truths equally, and a library is the place they go to if they want to do so. Think of a library as being like one of those factory warehouses filled with food products. Instead of having row upon row of packaged beers and pastries, a library instead has row upon row of books stacked beside each other.

How Should I Use A Library?

Very quietly. Many people who read have sensitive bodies (this is a scientific fact), and will hear any noise committed in a library. So when you enter, take off your hat if you are wearing one and walk on tip-toe around the building. If you see a brightly coloured book you like, slowly take it off the shelf and sit down at a table. If you can find a table nobody else is sat at – sit there. Never sit at a table which is occupied by someone else, because this is an act of illegal aggression on your part. Open the book and read it at your leisure.

What If I Don’t Finish Reading?

You have to take your book to the counter and pay an extravagant fee. This is why everyone in a library looks so intense. If they do not finish comprehending their lies then they will have to pay for their weakness. In a situation where you are caught not finishing your story, you will have to have a photo taken of yourself which will be put on a “membership card”. You pay for this, and then are allowed to borrow the book for a small amount of time. Again though – if you do not finish your lies in time, the library-keepers will look for you and charge you more money for your mistake.

This Library-Keeper Threw Me Out!

That's because he is The Doctor. You accidentally walked into the Library Of The Dead. You should be grateful for his actions.

The Celebrity Pages: "The Sound Of Laughter" by Peter Kay

The Celebrity Pages: Reviewing Celebrity Autobiographies Since 2009!

The Sound Of Laughter

by Peter Kay

Peter Kay is a stand-up comedian from Bolton, whose main appeal is his use of northern charm to bluff his way through any situation. His comedy revolves around his own experiences in life, mostly as a child, which means that writing an autobiography that doesn’t simply recycle all of his material must’ve been a nightmare for him. To his credit, he manages to find a series of entirely new anecdotes to reveal to the reader, one after another, over the course of a light but entertaining book. At the same time, he never gives us any glimpse of the man behind the jokes, and is careful not to say anything which will lose any members of his passionate fanbase. If someone is a fan of Peter Kay and they pick up this book, they will be happy with it.

If you are not a particularly big fan of the Bolton lad already, then you’re going to have some issues with the story. My personal belief is that he recycles nostalgia as a way of fooling his audience into thinking that he’s revealing anything when he does stand-up. You may think that you are getting a full package from Kay, but there is a far more ambitious man at work than you he wants to let on. In the book, he pulls this trick all the time. Whenever he gets the chance to drop in a reference to an old TV show or comedian, he does it, and at the same time almost completely avoids making any reference to his personal life. We get instead a series of anecdotes which follow one another in roughly chronological fashion, fitted inside a framing sequence where he attempts to pass his driving test. These sections, which bookend the story, don’t really give us any insight into Kay at all, and focus instead on the failings of his various instructors. Here, as will happen often throughout the book, Kay makes himself the straight man to someone else, and therefore pushes the reader away.

The book reads as you’d expect from Kay, but his life turns out to have been frustratingly normal. The best chapter in the book by far is the penultimate one, where the twenty-something Kay finally tries his hand at stand-up comedy. The rest of the book chronicles his varying dead-end jobs as a teenager, as he moves from being a shop assistant to a cleaner in a bingo-hall and later a cinema usher. It’s during these chapters that Kay starts to finally warm up to his subject, and gives us a more detailed look at his surroundings. Again, we are given nothing of himself apart from the occasional glimpse, but Kay’s keen eye for details – so essential in his stand-up – keeps things ticking over. The various characters who walk into his life are vividly described, from the camp bingo-caller who tries to persuade his co-workers to “climb the rungs of the career ladder” until they can become bingo-callers themselves, to the stern and malicious boss at a cash-and-carry he works for. Each of these people is instantly recognisable and has a distinct voice, and stand out far more than Kay himself.

The anecdotes which comprise almost the entire book range from the entertaining (the most entertaining of the book sees him walk into a robbery. When told to “get down” by the robbers; Kay replies “you want me to dance?”) to the everyday. More often than not, the stories revolve around other people, leaving Kay again as the straight-man. His style of writing means that this is not too painful to read, although his tone is filled with odd little tics which distract from the stories. More than once he stops to explain some of the simpler jokes, presumably to justify the fact that he’s a comedian, and on a few annoying occasions he refers back to himself as he writes the book. These little habits aren’t too bad at first, but as he repeats them they begin to feel tired. His use of culture references certainly grates very quickly, with tangents and paragraphs about the most inane things taking up space. The most annoying thing is the glacial pace at which he moves.

It takes the entire book to reach the point where he finally decides to become a stand-up. Up until then we get to hear stories from his school (run by strict nuns whom he rebelled against – this would be one of the first signs of his future career, but he doesn’t go into any psychological depths as he tells it) through to teenage years spent in dead-end jobs. We get no further than this, and the only time he does anything different with the narrative is the one chapter he dedicates to University. Kay shows his ambition by stating that he knew he needed to go, but then shrugs off any insight and starts talking about scotch eggs instead. The chapter is revealing, but not in the way Kay intends it to be, painting him as a homesick flake who can’t decide on how to live his future. There is no talk of women, no hint of sex or drugs or scandal. It seems that he’s lived a very simple, happy childhood, which is good for him but dull for us. Scandal is what makes these sort of books work.

The penultimate chapter serves as a taster for the inevitable sequel, which will hopefully finally give us some sort of light on Peter Kay himself. The chapter, in which he takes part in a stand-up competition judged by his future co-writer on “Phoenix Nights” Dave Spikey, sees Kay speaking honestly about his performing fright backstage. The young comedian jettisons all his written jokes in favour of a more honest stand-up routine told simply and without any notes. It’s a risky, daring gambit which may or may not help him win (and given that he turns out to be up against a young Johnny Vegas, he needs all the help he can get), but it shows a true fighting spirit which is admirable and fascinating. If only this book had been so open and daring, it would’ve been a much more interesting read.

**/5.