God’s Five Most Dick Moves (as retold by humans)

Anyone who believes in God can generally agree that he’s done some flipping amazing things over the past few years. This is a being who has not only created the World, the Solar System and… well, the Universe at large, but also lets us pretty much do whatever we want with it. Yet sometimes he feels that he has to get involved. He feels like he needs to interrupt the fun that humans are having and replace it with some Hard Moral Lessons. It’s at these moments when we realise that God might not be such a good guy after all. In fact, looking back over the different pieces of literature that have been written about him, he comes off as a bit of a dick, actually. Prove it, you ask? Well since you ask so kindly…


1: Allowing The Fall Of Humanity To Happen

God had set up Eden, a new world where his creations ‘Adam’ and ‘Eve’ could frolic around and have a marvellous time, playing with animals (which may or may not have included talking unicorns) and singing a lot. It seems that Eden was a paradise as such, where nobody went hungry or got ill or ever hurt themselves, and the only problem that anyone ever had was deciding which of the animals they should eat next. Adam and Eve were allowed to live here so long as they didn’t eat any fruit from the intriguingly named ‘Tree Of Knowledge’, because if that happened they would die. But then Satan snuck in through the back door dressed up as a snake, and things went downhill somewhat for our plucky heroes.

So What Did God Do?

He set the whole thing up! Firstly he calls the forbidden fruit “the forbidden fruit”, which practically begs for someone to eat it. Secondly, God hasn’t told Adam or Eve what this ‘death’ actually is. They’ve never seen anything die before, because everything in Eden regenerates whenever it gets injured or eaten or partially blown up or whatever, so telling them that eating the fruit will lead to their imminent death isn’t really going to worry them too much. As if this weren’t enough, he lets Satan into the garden.

Yes, the very same Satan who has a grudge against God and has previously announced his intentions to bugger things up as much as he can for the big guy. God actively lets this guy into the garden, and when he sees Eve get corrupted and walk over to the Tree Of Knowledge does he throw down a thunderbolt to stop her, and frazzle the talking snake of evil? No, no he does not. He sits on his throne and lets the whole thing happen.

Result:

Once both his humans have become aware of the fact that they’re, like, totally naked and stuff, God sends Jesus down to throw ‘em out of Eden, because he can’t be bothered. He sentences snakes to a lifetime of crawling around on their bellies… which seems a bit harsh considering they weren’t really responsible for Satan taking their form. He then decides that Adam will have to work the rest of his life, and thus suffer from the exhaustion that brings. Oh, and he decrees that from now on all women are going to suffer agonising pain during childbirth, for good measure. Way to overreact there, God.

Guest Article

Hello everyone, my name is Derren Brown and I am an Illusionist. (not a magician!) If you’ll give me a few minutes, I’d like to attempt an experiment on you which may well change the way you think.

I’d like you to think of a colour. It can be any colour you, want, but don’t tell me what it is yet, I don’t want you to spoil anything for me. That would make me quite ENVIOUS. Instead, I’d like to show you this MONEY. I have a wad of bank notes in my hands at the moment, which I earned after doing some GARDENING in my spare time for the old man who lives across the street on Evergreen Avenue. I was just mowing the lovely fresh GRASS when I saw some of the TREES and I thought how tall they were. They were so tall that I could barely see the APPLE that hung from the branches. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you should pick a colour in your head and keep it there, because I’m about to try and guess which colour you are currently thinking of. Don’t change your mind!

I see that you’re wearing an EMERALD ring on your finger, can I have a look at it please? Thank you. Oh, that is just lovely, that must have been quite expensive, mustn’t it! I don’t have the green to buy something like that, myself. I feel a bit like a CUCUMBER, in honesty. My friend, who you obviously don’t know, told me a story the other day about this man who found a pot of gold that belonged to a LEPRECHAUN, and he used it to buy his wife all these fabulous items of jewellery. I’d like to find one of those myself, I think! The first thing I’d buy would be a trip to New York to see the STATUE OF LIBERTY, I think, perhaps. I hear it’s nice, have you ever been? Well anyway, it looks like an interesting place to visit. It was built by the French – do you know, some people in England refer to the French as FROGS. I don’t get it myself, but each to their own, I suppose.

Are you still holding that colour in your mind? Groovy. Radical. Exciting. Excellent. Nice.

I’m going to try and guess the colour in a second, but before I do I’d like to put on my Irish Rugby shirt, it’s getting a bit cold where I am. I feel like a bit of a SNAKE for making you wait so long before I tell you what colour I think you are thinking of, I’m sorry for holding you for so long. I’ll take a guess now.

Were you thinking of the colour green?

Special Guest Writer for IEF: Daniel Plainview

I was walking through town earlier and couldn’t help but notice that there were men walking around all over the place wearing scarves. Now, it is not a particularly warm day I know, but the number of men who wear wearing bright red or yellow or… glittery… pieces of fabric round their neck was worrying. Over the past few years the trend appears to have been for men to start dressing like women, which does not bode well for the collective future of mankind. In the interests of keeping the gender divide divided, as it should be, I present to all men a few options for things that would be better to wrap around your neck than a scarf.

1: Gold Chains

Mr T popularised this particular outfit, where he would have several gold chains hanging liberally round his neck as he went off on wild adventures with his team and shot people and smoked cigars and avoided planes as much as possible. It is a fine thing for a man to wear gold chains, as it denotes importance and wealth, and most importantly a lack of respect for hooligans and foos. Nobody will rob a man who wears gold chains so brazenly; if he is willing to show off his riches to everyone as he goes about his business, he must be a bad mutha indeed.

2: A towel

Try this at home now. There is no science to prove this, but wearing a [towel] will increase your virility tenfold, and you will feel like the world is your bitch. This can be traced to boxing, where the fighters wear towels liberally, for minutes on end, before standing up and hitting another man for a few minutes before sitting down again and putting the towel back on. There is evidentially some form of healing property in the humble towel which makes men feel stronger and tougher and taller, for wearing one around your neck always feels right.

3: A dead boar

Hunting has been banned in Britain, but only for certain animals. Foxes are off the agenda, and badgers have been safe from gassing for many a year now. This is okay, for the only real animal that any man would want to hunt would be wild boar. There can be few feelings that match the pride you will have when you kick open the door of the family home holding a boar about your shoulders. Throw it down upon the table, and tell the woman to cook it immediately. This is living, my friend. This is living.

4: My Ring

Won't you wear my ring around your neckTo tell the world I'm yours, by heckLet them know I love you soAnd let them know by the ring around your neck.

5: A Snake.

Snakes are a representation of how large your penis is. Those who have a snake wrapped around their neck are showing literally to anyone who sees them that they are no stranger to long serpentine things. The snake should still be living when you put it on, because then it can move around and disturb other people when you aren’t looking, thus proving your dominance over them. In fact, snakes are useful on several occasions, as you can also set them on people who disrespect you and the death will be attributed to the snake and not to you. Snakes are also a delicious source of protein and the bones are crunchy. The snake you pick should be trained not to attack you, that is to say that you should spend a year training it to trust you alone, so that you gain a natural symbiosis with the animal. Symbiosis is the act of gaining a psychic link, so you can order the animal around with your mind. Do not allow your snake to boss you around; you have to show complete dominance.


When not writing, Daniel is an Oil Trader in California, where he enjoys the odd milkshake and runs a business with his son H.W.