Making Up Jokes About Barack Obama

Generally Wilftonville stays out of American politics because we don’t approve of living in an America-centric universe. There are other countries, and the majority of them are way better than America is. Or at least, more consistent in their beliefs. Walk from one state to another in America and you’ll find that whereas your Jesus-ignoring, ethnic-approving, gay-marriage supporting self is highly beloved in the one, your beliefs will cause the residents of the other to actually hunt you down with pitchforks. America is an odd country. Racists live next to liberals, and one of the largest states is run by an Austrian. And on top of all this, they drive on the wrong side of the road (what UP, Australia?)

However, seeing as there is only one new president every four years in America unless the current president is a republican, it’s worth looking into this “Obama” feller to see what’s really going on. Barack Obama, in case you were unaware, is not completely white. In fact, there is a whole half of him which could be described as “not white”. This is quite the turn-up for the books, because everyone outside of America assumed that all states were racist. It turns out that the USA happens to be startlingly not prejudiced anymore (nobody would call it liberal, yet, but it does seem to be heading that way, which is pleasing) and ready for “change”. And “hope”. Because that’s what Obama was promising. During the five-year election process he has constantly referred back to these two words as part of his platform, and they’ve worked out for him far better than Hilary Clinton’s “woman” and “sexism” words or John McCain’s use of “POW” and “necktie”. Why he thinks that quoting a form of Batman attack will help him in politics is anyone’s guess, as everyone knows what happens when politicians get involved with the Caped Crusader.

Pictured: A Fool.

It’s clear from his speeches that Barack Obama is an eloquent individual, and as this is unheard of for a politician the media have decided to jump on this and proclaim him to be the resurrected body of Jesus, which will annoy all deluded Christians (Jesus was white! They shout) and force all Rastafarians to smoke more. Well, perhaps the media aren’t that obsessed with him, but they do seem to think that there is nothing about the man which is mockable at all. Previous President George Bush was an international laughing stock (although we all laughed as quietly as possible, in case he tried to bomb us) and of all the other World leaders – Berlusconi, Brown, and so on – only Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy seem to be seen as genuinely decent at their job. Sarkozy, being French, doesn’t have to do much to impress anyone but Obama is in charge of a country which everyone can admit is pretty darned important. And it looks, at this point in time, like he’s going to do a good job.

This is great for America – good luck with everything, and all – but it does mean that it’s damnably hard to think up any good jokes about the man. He’s dignified and clever, but also witty and seems approachable to the average person. Where’s the humour in that? When you add to our woes with the simple truth that Obama is black, it means that it’s going to be seriously tough to say any jokes about him without coming off as a racist. Or ironic. It’s a massive problem which has been mentioned all around the World by many different comedians as something which they struggle with – Jon Stewart, Chris Rock, Marcus Brigstocke, among others have all worried that there are no good Obama jokes around.

There are many solutions to this problem, but because this is a blog we’ll only talk about the least obvious and most convoluted one: we have to start making up stuff about Barack. For example, did you know the following facts about Barack are all absolutely true?

1. At college he studied drama.
2. His favourite kind of animal is the llama.
3. He has no tolerance for a self-harmer.
4. My Name Is Earl is his favourite show, because it’s all about karma.

With these four facts in our possession, we can start arranging jokes based about Obama which will be hilarious. Let’s try one on, based on those four facts:

“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Barack”
“Barack who?”
“I’m Barack from watching My Name Is Earl!!!!”

On top of this absolutely stupefying jubilant joke, nobody has yet realised that Obama’s initials are “BO”. Did you know that “BO” is also the abbreviation for ‘body odour’? Because it is! What a superb joke you could make from that, comedians of the world! We don’t stop here either, as Barack Obama was born in Hawaii. That means that any Hawaii 5-O jokes you might have are applicable to him! Yes! Can’t you see? There is so much on offer for you here, and you don’t even realise it yet. This is just the beginning. Do you know any good jokes that could be made up about Barack Obama, America’s forty-somethingth President? Write them in the comments section below, and let’s see if we can’t build up a collection for later use.

And who knows? Perhaps he’ll shatter the American economy and ruin the country. What a great day for jokesters that’ll be!

I Will Be Friends With You, Big Oil

There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?

This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.

Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”

In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.

Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.

Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .




It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.

In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.