There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?
This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.
Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”
In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.
Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.
Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .
It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.
In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.
Showing posts with label Environment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Environment. Show all posts
Friday, 12 September 2008
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Saving Everyone From Global Warming: Part 1
Global Warming is coming! The Earth has this shield around it, you see, that protects us from the Sun and makes sure we don’t get turned into the most multicultural barbeque in the Universe. This is a good thing. Sadly, the shield is being weakened by humans (and cows, oddly enough, in the first known case of bovine-human forces uniting on a common front) whenever we burn things because the smoke goes and uses up the shield, which is made of gas, and… well it’s very complicated and scientific, but basically the shield is weakening and everyone is running around in laboratories shouting and squealing about the forthcoming Sweaty Apocalypse™. But while every scientist in the world is busy proclaiming doom, I’ve thought up at least three things that nobody has tried yet, in order to protect us from Global Warming. Sorry, Al Gore - your evil campaign to destroy the Earth has failed! I have not seen that movie.
I’ll only put one of my ideas up at a time, because sometimes it’s really quite a horrific struggle to find something to write about, but the first one, below, is a doozy. Ask yourself: hat does the Earth have an unlimited supply of? If you are currently telling your computer screen “DIY shops” then you are both right and a little wrong. The human race needs to gather together and go shopping for hosepipes. When we’ve collected all the hosepipes on sale worldwide, we link them all together using a revolutionary new technique I call ‘slotting one into the other’ we attach one end to a tap and launch the other into space, towards the Sun.
It might take a while to reach the Sun, so we’ll have to develop super sonic boosters in the meantime, to quicken this whole process – get to it, NASA! Don’t make Britain have to do it, because we’ll only bugger it up somehow. We haven’t even gotten to the Moon yet. We still struggle a little with getting a train to reach Scotland on time. So the hose makes it all the way up to the Sun, and sits around a short distance away so it doesn’t melt (did I mention that the last part of the pipe should be sunproof? If not, then I’d like to make this point now). Then we turn the tap on.
I’ll only put one of my ideas up at a time, because sometimes it’s really quite a horrific struggle to find something to write about, but the first one, below, is a doozy. Ask yourself: hat does the Earth have an unlimited supply of? If you are currently telling your computer screen “DIY shops” then you are both right and a little wrong. The human race needs to gather together and go shopping for hosepipes. When we’ve collected all the hosepipes on sale worldwide, we link them all together using a revolutionary new technique I call ‘slotting one into the other’ we attach one end to a tap and launch the other into space, towards the Sun.
It might take a while to reach the Sun, so we’ll have to develop super sonic boosters in the meantime, to quicken this whole process – get to it, NASA! Don’t make Britain have to do it, because we’ll only bugger it up somehow. We haven’t even gotten to the Moon yet. We still struggle a little with getting a train to reach Scotland on time. So the hose makes it all the way up to the Sun, and sits around a short distance away so it doesn’t melt (did I mention that the last part of the pipe should be sunproof? If not, then I’d like to make this point now). Then we turn the tap on.
The water will go into the Sun and cool it down for us! This will give us much more time to live on the Earth, so we can do all those cool things we wanted to until as a race we started procrastinating. Hovercars, for example. And even if the Sun, as some people have suggested, would actually not be affected by being soaked in water (what kind of negative thinking is that, you gits?), then at the very least we can drain the sea level by a bit, so that when the ice caps DO melt it won’t drown us all.
This is “Plan A”.
This is “Plan A”.
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Whales: The Problem
There is a meeting going on right now (maybe not right now, but this is a more dramatic way to start a blog entry than “maybe at some point soon this will happen”) where the whaling association have gathered together for their annual conference. Their main concern? Whaling. Which makes a refreshing change from all their other conferences, presumably. During this conference they have gathered to discuss the problem which is currently prevalent in the world and which will likely strike all whalers hard, soon: whales are an endangered species. Yes, we all know this, because it was taught to us in schools while we were children and it’s also bleedin’ obvious, but the whaling association aren’t so sure. Their worry is that we have called whales an endangered species even though nobody (nobody!) can actually say for certain how many whales are actually in the sea at any one point in time.
They have a point, admittedly – there’s an awful lot of sea, and nobody can say for sure how much of the sea has a whale in it. Counting them is an impossible task – and if we can’t count them, how can we tell if they are endangered or not? Clearly, in the eyes of whalers around the world, we need to have some sort of census for whales. In no way is this a last plea to let them kill whales for food and blubber and energy (there’s an awful lot can be made from a dead whale) because their livelihoods will be ruined if they aren’t allowed to hunt them anymore. Fair play, they’re totally right, but I side more with the whales than with the whalers because:
a: I don’t eat whale anyway.
b: whalers need to find more humane ways to kill whales
c: whales are ace.
So I’ve thought up a way to count all the whales. What we do, essentially, is make a giant net that is circular, and then fly it into place using planes (or flying submarines, as in the classic Beatles movie ‘Yellow Submarine’) before dredging the sea. We take these gigantic nets and we drag them along the sea, collecting up all the animals on one side of the net, and pushing them over to the east coast of America. Once we have all the animals pushed to one side, it’s a simple case of counting up all the whales, and then setting them free again. And then, once we can conclude that they are, in fact, an endangered species, we can stop whaling them.
I have included a diagram of this:
If this does not come to pass, then you’ll know why: the whaling association have bribed the UN. Stay frosty.
They have a point, admittedly – there’s an awful lot of sea, and nobody can say for sure how much of the sea has a whale in it. Counting them is an impossible task – and if we can’t count them, how can we tell if they are endangered or not? Clearly, in the eyes of whalers around the world, we need to have some sort of census for whales. In no way is this a last plea to let them kill whales for food and blubber and energy (there’s an awful lot can be made from a dead whale) because their livelihoods will be ruined if they aren’t allowed to hunt them anymore. Fair play, they’re totally right, but I side more with the whales than with the whalers because:
a: I don’t eat whale anyway.
b: whalers need to find more humane ways to kill whales
c: whales are ace.
So I’ve thought up a way to count all the whales. What we do, essentially, is make a giant net that is circular, and then fly it into place using planes (or flying submarines, as in the classic Beatles movie ‘Yellow Submarine’) before dredging the sea. We take these gigantic nets and we drag them along the sea, collecting up all the animals on one side of the net, and pushing them over to the east coast of America. Once we have all the animals pushed to one side, it’s a simple case of counting up all the whales, and then setting them free again. And then, once we can conclude that they are, in fact, an endangered species, we can stop whaling them.
I have included a diagram of this:
If this does not come to pass, then you’ll know why: the whaling association have bribed the UN. Stay frosty.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Gorillas Vs Bears
It’s all been boiling down to this. You knew it had to happen eventually, and if you did not know that it had to happen eventually then wake up you hippie! Get out from under your tribal wigwam and start paying attention to society! Also: how did you get your hands on a computer with a working internet connection? You hypocrite. Bears have been for a long time considered one of the strongest animals on land, carnivores who can not only swim but climb trees, so they can attack from below or attack from above whenever they wish. They are physically well build, and one swat from one of their massive paws would knock any human right the hell out. But then gorillas also are known for much the same thing. They have the advantage of opposable thumbs which means they could choke the life out of you after attacking from the trees or from the water, and are similarly tough creatures who can be carnivorous when they want to.
Both animals feature quite highly on a list of “animals you wouldn’t want to find living in your bed when you come home from a long day of work”, and dependant on who you talk to, people will cite either one or the other as the most dominant animal on Earth aside from humans. We can’t rest here, though: we need to go further. We need to know which animal IS our biggest natural threat. For the sake of security. If bears are the biggest threat to humans on the planet then anti-bear locks need to be created, as well as guns which exclusively work on bears. Likewise if the gorillas ever turn on us because they are the biggest threat to us, we need to make sure that Planet of the Apes doesn’t come true. Or the sequels. Or the remake. We need to set gorillas and bears against each other, weakening each species and killing off one of them, leaving the other to the mercy of our hunters. This is a massive issue we have in the World right now.
So we’ll be looking at both bears and gorillas separately, seeing what makes them tick and how they operate, before comparing them to each other and establishing once and for all if you’d be better off with gorilla or bear insurance for your children. We will find out which animal is superior, and we will do this through the medium of hypothetical nonsense. Place your bets now, ladies and gents, because before the week is out we’re going to find out what the most dangerous animal in the World is. Look away now, PETA. You aren’t gonna like this.
Both animals feature quite highly on a list of “animals you wouldn’t want to find living in your bed when you come home from a long day of work”, and dependant on who you talk to, people will cite either one or the other as the most dominant animal on Earth aside from humans. We can’t rest here, though: we need to go further. We need to know which animal IS our biggest natural threat. For the sake of security. If bears are the biggest threat to humans on the planet then anti-bear locks need to be created, as well as guns which exclusively work on bears. Likewise if the gorillas ever turn on us because they are the biggest threat to us, we need to make sure that Planet of the Apes doesn’t come true. Or the sequels. Or the remake. We need to set gorillas and bears against each other, weakening each species and killing off one of them, leaving the other to the mercy of our hunters. This is a massive issue we have in the World right now.
So we’ll be looking at both bears and gorillas separately, seeing what makes them tick and how they operate, before comparing them to each other and establishing once and for all if you’d be better off with gorilla or bear insurance for your children. We will find out which animal is superior, and we will do this through the medium of hypothetical nonsense. Place your bets now, ladies and gents, because before the week is out we’re going to find out what the most dangerous animal in the World is. Look away now, PETA. You aren’t gonna like this.
Friday, 11 April 2008
The Three Least Endangered Species
Last year it was announced that many of the animal species native to Britain are starting to die out, and animals as diverse and iconic (if that’s the right word) as the cuckoo and hedgehog are now thought of as credible worries, extinction-wise. Other animals, such as the falcon and fox, are having to adapt to the increasingly urban environment of Britain, which has helped the Peregrine Falcon recover from its position on the endangered-species list, but at what cost? Yet there are some animals who, no matter how quickly we urbanise the countryside, show no sign of just fucking dying already. The RSPCA has a list of animals who are not endangered, and it makes for worrying reading. The only animals which are increasing in numbers are the animals that are fucking annoying and nobody likes, which means that in the future, humans can look forward to a lifetime of fond reminiscing towards badgers, while millions of flies bang incessantly against the dining-room window. For the sake of the list, flies weren’t included, because the RSPCA thinks them “too obvious” a choice. Here, though, are the three animals who don’t seem to be dying out, no matter what we do to their homes.
1: The Seagull
Once upon a time, the only place anyone would find seagulls would be, somewhat predictably, in areas close to the sea. Recently though the winged creatures have begun moving inwards, finding that the food humans drop on the streets is highly delicious (especially Subways sandwiches, which they treasure highly) and that the warmth offered by the streets is rather lovely, actually. As such, seagulls no longer are the preserve of the beach, and are found in streets across the country, walking across the roads and giving the evil eye to any cars which dare try to cross them.
Why This Is Bad
Seagulls are real bad motherflippers. Whilst the pigeon problem is something which the RSPCA are keeping a close eye on, the reality is that pigeons are nice and dim, whereas seagulls are crafty and devious. Not content with just eating food they find on the floor, the gulls have realised that they can maximise their food intake by dive-bombing people holding delicious chips or a sandwich and knocking the food to the floor. Pigeons walk around in a daze, astonished because everything is just so real to them; seagulls actively set out to rule the world. They will attack people for little to no reason, and whenever a human fights back they take to the air and cackle in a manner which would likely cause Machiavelli himself to cry. And they spend a lot of time shouting at each other, especially in the early mornings. The call of a nightingale or owl is actually rather soothing, but a seagull’s yelp was designed to chill right through to the bone. One thing is clear – as soon as seagulls realise how to work a door, the pastry industry will be ruined.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Seagulls have the distinct advantage of flight, which means the best way to defy the creatures is to purchase some form of blunderbuss. As seagulls group together, with such a weapon you can be guaranteed of taking down the entire group at once, and less aiming is required. The best tactic to help wind down the numbers of seagulls in the world is to coat the ground in poison, rendering all food dropped to the floor deadly to the creatures. This proposal, however, has been shelved by our liberal government.
2: The Wasp
Although last year was rather disappointing for wasp lovers round the World, these insects can’t be held down (literally: they will sting you) or tied up (a silly idea in the first place, really). Every summer swarms and swarms of them descend upon the British countryside, getting stuck in windows and having a damn fine time with anyone foolish enough to attempt a picnic nearby. To emphasise just how many wasps there are, consider the fact that a group of wasps is called a swarm. A swarm, people.
Why This Is Bad
Wasps sting people for no reason and it is impossible to guess when they will next strike. Practically every human in Britain will get stung at one point or another, and in some cases this could even be fatal. Some people, you see, are allergic to wasp stings. This doesn’t stop the stripy buggers though; as they will attack anything that moves. They are especially adept at attacking anyone with something sugary and delicious, meaning that again, pastry-makers need to maintain a constant vigilance against them. In addition to all of this stinging, it is believed by many that the wasp race have the ants working for them to collect food all year round, which is then presented on a large leaf for the wasps to take home with them. This is slavery, and slavery is (usually) wrong.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Flamethrowers. Lots and lots of flamethrowers. Failing this, doing large amounts of damage to the O-Zone Layer will increase the temperature of the earth and make the weather erratic, which will kill off millions of wasps in one fell swoop.
3: The Rat
Rats have long been the science communities’ experimentation animal of choice, having a mind similar to those of humans – not surprising to anyone who has ever visited Hull – and seemingly endless numbers. Rats are notoriously tolerant of any hazard put in their way: they can take extreme temperatures and are able to go many days without eating. They are survivors, and tend to live in the holes between your walls and under the very floor you are currently sat on a chair which is stood up on. Rats are considered a valuable member of the animal community by many Eastern nations, but the main connection Westerners make with them is “Rat! Rat! In my house!” This will then be prompted by several minutes of standing on a tall stool and shouting for your cat to come save the day, if you are a large black woman of dubious racial background.
Why This Is Bad
This is bad because rats are the scariest animals ever, if you are a woman. While men tend to maintain a calm sense of peacefulness when a rat appears, women have a part of their brain devoted to shrieking which kicks in whenever a rat (or minority, if you are from Texas) walks by. And if you didn’t already know this – shrieking is really painful on the ol’ ears. Stereotypes apart, the rise in numbers of rats is disturbing because rats traditionally carry many, many diseases on them without having any reaction to them. Humans who come into contact with a rat, however? Forget about it. You won’t last a week. Rats caused the plague, and many people (myself included) are wary that the rats are probably biding their time before they do it again. They are generally rather bad news for humans, living off crumbs and mess made my us and carrying fleas and ticks to other innocent animals like cats and dogs.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Very little. Rats are bred to be survivors, and the only way we could ever be certain to wipe them all out would be to start a nuclear war against their kind. Even if we did do this, inevitably some of them would mutate and gain super-powers, thus requiring us to call up Godzilla to help us out again. It’s just not a viable option for us.
1: The Seagull
Once upon a time, the only place anyone would find seagulls would be, somewhat predictably, in areas close to the sea. Recently though the winged creatures have begun moving inwards, finding that the food humans drop on the streets is highly delicious (especially Subways sandwiches, which they treasure highly) and that the warmth offered by the streets is rather lovely, actually. As such, seagulls no longer are the preserve of the beach, and are found in streets across the country, walking across the roads and giving the evil eye to any cars which dare try to cross them.
Why This Is Bad
Seagulls are real bad motherflippers. Whilst the pigeon problem is something which the RSPCA are keeping a close eye on, the reality is that pigeons are nice and dim, whereas seagulls are crafty and devious. Not content with just eating food they find on the floor, the gulls have realised that they can maximise their food intake by dive-bombing people holding delicious chips or a sandwich and knocking the food to the floor. Pigeons walk around in a daze, astonished because everything is just so real to them; seagulls actively set out to rule the world. They will attack people for little to no reason, and whenever a human fights back they take to the air and cackle in a manner which would likely cause Machiavelli himself to cry. And they spend a lot of time shouting at each other, especially in the early mornings. The call of a nightingale or owl is actually rather soothing, but a seagull’s yelp was designed to chill right through to the bone. One thing is clear – as soon as seagulls realise how to work a door, the pastry industry will be ruined.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Seagulls have the distinct advantage of flight, which means the best way to defy the creatures is to purchase some form of blunderbuss. As seagulls group together, with such a weapon you can be guaranteed of taking down the entire group at once, and less aiming is required. The best tactic to help wind down the numbers of seagulls in the world is to coat the ground in poison, rendering all food dropped to the floor deadly to the creatures. This proposal, however, has been shelved by our liberal government.
2: The Wasp
Although last year was rather disappointing for wasp lovers round the World, these insects can’t be held down (literally: they will sting you) or tied up (a silly idea in the first place, really). Every summer swarms and swarms of them descend upon the British countryside, getting stuck in windows and having a damn fine time with anyone foolish enough to attempt a picnic nearby. To emphasise just how many wasps there are, consider the fact that a group of wasps is called a swarm. A swarm, people.
Why This Is Bad
Wasps sting people for no reason and it is impossible to guess when they will next strike. Practically every human in Britain will get stung at one point or another, and in some cases this could even be fatal. Some people, you see, are allergic to wasp stings. This doesn’t stop the stripy buggers though; as they will attack anything that moves. They are especially adept at attacking anyone with something sugary and delicious, meaning that again, pastry-makers need to maintain a constant vigilance against them. In addition to all of this stinging, it is believed by many that the wasp race have the ants working for them to collect food all year round, which is then presented on a large leaf for the wasps to take home with them. This is slavery, and slavery is (usually) wrong.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Flamethrowers. Lots and lots of flamethrowers. Failing this, doing large amounts of damage to the O-Zone Layer will increase the temperature of the earth and make the weather erratic, which will kill off millions of wasps in one fell swoop.
3: The Rat
Rats have long been the science communities’ experimentation animal of choice, having a mind similar to those of humans – not surprising to anyone who has ever visited Hull – and seemingly endless numbers. Rats are notoriously tolerant of any hazard put in their way: they can take extreme temperatures and are able to go many days without eating. They are survivors, and tend to live in the holes between your walls and under the very floor you are currently sat on a chair which is stood up on. Rats are considered a valuable member of the animal community by many Eastern nations, but the main connection Westerners make with them is “Rat! Rat! In my house!” This will then be prompted by several minutes of standing on a tall stool and shouting for your cat to come save the day, if you are a large black woman of dubious racial background.
Why This Is Bad
This is bad because rats are the scariest animals ever, if you are a woman. While men tend to maintain a calm sense of peacefulness when a rat appears, women have a part of their brain devoted to shrieking which kicks in whenever a rat (or minority, if you are from Texas) walks by. And if you didn’t already know this – shrieking is really painful on the ol’ ears. Stereotypes apart, the rise in numbers of rats is disturbing because rats traditionally carry many, many diseases on them without having any reaction to them. Humans who come into contact with a rat, however? Forget about it. You won’t last a week. Rats caused the plague, and many people (myself included) are wary that the rats are probably biding their time before they do it again. They are generally rather bad news for humans, living off crumbs and mess made my us and carrying fleas and ticks to other innocent animals like cats and dogs.
What We Can Do To Stop Them
Very little. Rats are bred to be survivors, and the only way we could ever be certain to wipe them all out would be to start a nuclear war against their kind. Even if we did do this, inevitably some of them would mutate and gain super-powers, thus requiring us to call up Godzilla to help us out again. It’s just not a viable option for us.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Why Bono Should Be Stopped
In continuing the recurring theme on this blog about what people can do to help the Environment, allow me to make a quick suggestion for you all. This is an idea given to me by a noble man called Simon Readman, who is an intense environmentalist, as well as dashingly good looking and single (if you want his phone number, ladies, leave a comment below). His idea is swift, simple, and startlingly obvious when you think about it: we must eliminate Bono.
I want to make it clear that I do not make this statement lightly, nor is it in any way based on the fact that I don’t like U2 and Bono’s tendency to wear sunglasses all the time makes me uncomfortable because I never know where he is looking. No, this is for the benefit of the Environment, so it is. The human race is expanding rapidly, all the time, because of all the sex people are always having (seriously – get a room, human race), and most of them currently live in poverty. Bono wants to stop this. He wants to ‘help’ Africa by giving them money to develop schools and factories and all manner of buildings. If everything goes according to the plucky Irishman’s plan, eventually the country will have enough infrastructure to support itself.
Sounds nice, until you realise that once Africa is self-reliant, they’ll start wanting to produce electricity, and this is going to mean more fossil fuels being burnt up and possibly even some nuclear power-plants. Hopefully you see what I’m driving at; by helping Africa, Bono will inadvertently help the Greenhouse Gases win. Africa will become a happy country up until the point it gets burnt to a smoky crisp by the Sun. Do we really want this? Global Warming is proving darned tricky to prevent as it is, and if we allow Africa to start building factories and machinery and all those things that help a country have an economy, it’ll only speed up the time it takes for the Sun to destroy us all.
So Bono must be stopped. We’re going to have to sacrifice Africa to save the World, but (speaking as a European) I’m not too upset about that. Rather them than me, I say.
I want to make it clear that I do not make this statement lightly, nor is it in any way based on the fact that I don’t like U2 and Bono’s tendency to wear sunglasses all the time makes me uncomfortable because I never know where he is looking. No, this is for the benefit of the Environment, so it is. The human race is expanding rapidly, all the time, because of all the sex people are always having (seriously – get a room, human race), and most of them currently live in poverty. Bono wants to stop this. He wants to ‘help’ Africa by giving them money to develop schools and factories and all manner of buildings. If everything goes according to the plucky Irishman’s plan, eventually the country will have enough infrastructure to support itself.
Sounds nice, until you realise that once Africa is self-reliant, they’ll start wanting to produce electricity, and this is going to mean more fossil fuels being burnt up and possibly even some nuclear power-plants. Hopefully you see what I’m driving at; by helping Africa, Bono will inadvertently help the Greenhouse Gases win. Africa will become a happy country up until the point it gets burnt to a smoky crisp by the Sun. Do we really want this? Global Warming is proving darned tricky to prevent as it is, and if we allow Africa to start building factories and machinery and all those things that help a country have an economy, it’ll only speed up the time it takes for the Sun to destroy us all.
So Bono must be stopped. We’re going to have to sacrifice Africa to save the World, but (speaking as a European) I’m not too upset about that. Rather them than me, I say.
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
7 Things YOU Can Do To Save The World
After being sent a link to www.7things.org, a site which tries to give us seven simple things we can do to help protect the world from all the problems it currently has, I was inspired to create my own list of seven things we can all do to help our planet. So here, in no particular order, are my own 7 Ideas. Sure, some of them are "illegal", but when the fate of the planet is at stake, which side would you rather be on? The Law, or The Environment?
1: KILL. Whenever animals breathe in, they use up precious oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, which is bad. There is no way of filtering this, so the best thing to do is to kill anything you see that breathes, thus lowering the carbon dioxide/oxygen proportions. Killing cows is especially a good idea, as they are the worst offenders here, and taste delicious.
2: Only buy things built through child-labour. By only buying things built in cramped Taiwanese sweatshops, you can guarantee that MORE of your money goes towards the children. As an added bonus, these are generally the cheapest items on the market, so everybody wins!
3: Stop reading Illicitly Eating Flowers. You’re wasting electricity just by being here. Thanks and all, but – go away. For the sake of the planet.
4: Hunt down predators. Did you know that Salmon are an endangered species? Well they are, and the main reason for this, obviously, is bears. By taking to the forest in our hundreds, armed with rifles, we can try and put down these grizzly killers before they get rid of all our salmon for good. Whales also do a lot to whittle down the numbers of fish in our seas – we need to get some electrified spears and get them before there are no cod left to make the fish-fingers we all love.
5: Illegally download things. Think about all the plastic used in making CDs and DVDs and all those little things you like to buy. Plastic can’t biodegrade, making it bad for the environment, and creating it causes bad gasses that cause global warming or something. So next time you think about buying a lovely new ‘thing’, think first – "could I download this online?" If so, then go do it. It’s your duty as an environmentalist.
6: Never wash. Running water is a waste of electricity. We were given the gift of rain (especially in England), and we should make the most of it. Also don’t use deodorants, because they use CFCs which are bad for the O-Zone.
7: Have less sex. Having children means that there will be more people to potentially ruin the planet in a few years time. If you follow Rule 6 though, this one will be easy enough.
See? You CAN make a list like this without having to make any reference to cheerleaders. Take that, corporate America!
1: KILL. Whenever animals breathe in, they use up precious oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, which is bad. There is no way of filtering this, so the best thing to do is to kill anything you see that breathes, thus lowering the carbon dioxide/oxygen proportions. Killing cows is especially a good idea, as they are the worst offenders here, and taste delicious.
2: Only buy things built through child-labour. By only buying things built in cramped Taiwanese sweatshops, you can guarantee that MORE of your money goes towards the children. As an added bonus, these are generally the cheapest items on the market, so everybody wins!
3: Stop reading Illicitly Eating Flowers. You’re wasting electricity just by being here. Thanks and all, but – go away. For the sake of the planet.
4: Hunt down predators. Did you know that Salmon are an endangered species? Well they are, and the main reason for this, obviously, is bears. By taking to the forest in our hundreds, armed with rifles, we can try and put down these grizzly killers before they get rid of all our salmon for good. Whales also do a lot to whittle down the numbers of fish in our seas – we need to get some electrified spears and get them before there are no cod left to make the fish-fingers we all love.
5: Illegally download things. Think about all the plastic used in making CDs and DVDs and all those little things you like to buy. Plastic can’t biodegrade, making it bad for the environment, and creating it causes bad gasses that cause global warming or something. So next time you think about buying a lovely new ‘thing’, think first – "could I download this online?" If so, then go do it. It’s your duty as an environmentalist.
6: Never wash. Running water is a waste of electricity. We were given the gift of rain (especially in England), and we should make the most of it. Also don’t use deodorants, because they use CFCs which are bad for the O-Zone.
7: Have less sex. Having children means that there will be more people to potentially ruin the planet in a few years time. If you follow Rule 6 though, this one will be easy enough.
See? You CAN make a list like this without having to make any reference to cheerleaders. Take that, corporate America!
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