So Wilftonville leaked the pitch for Nintendo's new game "Super Mario Underwater" on Monday. I'm writing this before the post which announces this leak, but I'm certain that the response was overwhelming and that hundreds - nay, thousands - of people commented with their thoughts on the strength of the pitch, and that argument and debate developed from it. We promised that we'd send someone to the future to find out how the World responded when the game was finally released, and were sent back a Wikipedia transcript. Interestingly, the transcript had already begun changing when we recieved it. Here it is:
Reception:
Super Mario Underwater was commercially very successful; in part due to the popular American advertising campaign which features Michael Phelps losing a race to Mario over 100 metres. It has been reported that the game was especially popular in countries like Denmark and Bangladesh, where the general public of said countries bought the game in order to get in last-minute practise before global warming flooded their homes. The game was highly praised by the press, who called it “a… Mario game” and said that “it features… Mario.” The Times were especially impressed, calling it “Mario.” It did not win any awards.
Critical Reception:
The game was widely unpopular with critics on a general scale. Most criticised the decision to take the most disliked aspect of every Mario game made up to this point (the swimming levels) and create a game around it as “idiotic”. “Nintendo’s decision to make Mario swim so slowly is the icing on a highly acidic cake” noted IGN, who generally disparaged the game-play for being slow and meaningless. Nintendo Power said that “Giving Mario only eight minutes of airtime means the player has to play in four-minute sections: four minutes playing, and four minutes retracing their steps. It’s just not good enough.”
The plot came in for criticism, with many wondering how the frogs would be able to drink roughly 1/12 of all the water in one go without any severe consequences to their central nervous system. “Mario is sent on time-consuming side-missions underwater when he could have gone straight to Bowser from the beginning” complained Edge, who were vocally angry about many different parts of the game, including the seemingly random decision to force Mario on so many different sub-quests. “Finding power stars is one thing, but cufflinks? No matter how powerful they are, there is no man alive who can make a search for cufflinks interesting.”
Whilst the graphics were praised for being pretty, and the water effects were “well realised”, critics leaped upon the decision to make the game more realistic by having the peat and soil cloud up the water so that Mario cannot see more than three metres ahead. “It slows up the game even further, to the point where I would commend anyone who has the patience to complete the damn thing. And then, having commended them, I would have to shoot them for being a danger to the human race,” said Official Nintendo Magazine of this realism.
Shigeru Miyamoto, whose idea ‘Super Mario Laser Banjo’ had been passed over in favour of the project, held a press conference and announced that he would never let anyone else touch his creations ever again.
Legacy:
After spoilers for the premise of the game were leaked onto the internet via low-level “comedy” blog Wilftonville in 2008, Nintendo scrapped their plans for Super Mario Underwater. This effectively rewrote history and created a time paradox. Shigeru Miyamoto, who invented the time-travel aspects of ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time’ as well as the Mario series, was said to be thrilled by this meta development.
Showing posts with label Nintendo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nintendo. Show all posts
Friday, 31 October 2008
Monday, 27 October 2008
Super Mario: The Pitch
We got our hands on the pitch submitted to Nintendo for the next Super Mario game! Having heard that this was definitely definitely the pitch that Nintendo were going to go ahead and develop into a game, we then sent someone into the future to find out for us how the game performed when released. EXCLUSIVES! Wilftonville is excited to reveal to you today the pitch for the new Super Mario Game, and come back on Friday to see how the public reacted to the game!
Pitch: Super Mario Underwater
The Premise:
That dastardly King Bowser has kidnapped the Princess again! On top of kidnapping Princess Peach, Bowser has sunk the Mushroom Kingdom underwater with his new “Wave-O-Matic” machine so that his floating island “Bowserville” will be the only remaining land on the face of the planet! With the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom out of his way, Bowser finally will be able to rule supreme over the World! Or will he?
Characteristically forgotten by the evil dinosaur, the unstoppable plumbing force of Mario and Luigi managed to escape the flooding by putting on their scuba gear just before the waves reached them, and plot on foiling Bowser once again! Can you guide Mario and Luigi through Bowser’s various traps, and save the Princess?
Game Synopsis:
The player takes control of either Mario or Luigi as they swim around the immense 3-D levels looking for where buildings used to be. Once a building is found, which as the world was only 30% land before it was sunk, takes a while, the played swims down to it and rescues the villagers there through puzzle-solving. Once enough villagers are safe, you encounter the magical Frogman, who promises to drink part of the water in exchange for a set of diamond cufflinks he lost when the world was swallowed up by the sea. Find the cufflinks for him, and you will lower the level of the water so that Mario or Luigi can then swim further downwards without being subject to crushing water pressure, and the process starts again. Find cufflinks for the twelve Frogmen, and they fire a spout of water upwards. Mario or Luigi step into this spout of water and are forced straight upwards, towards Bowser’s floating island fortress.
Playable Characters:
Mario: A Kingdom in peril, a Princess that needs saving from a flame-breathing dinosaur… it’s all in a day’s work for Mario! Luckily this time, he’s been equipped with a harpoon gun and a scuba diving outfit by his good friend Professor E. Gadd, because his fireballs aren’t going to work underwater! Mario has less air time than Luigi, but is a faster swimmer and doesn’t look as gay in his costume.
Luigi: Is Luigi more of a hero than Mario? Certainly, he isn’t motivated by lust and the prospect of cake in his quest to save the world. So why does Mario get all the glory? Luigi is determined to get to the bottom of everything (literally, for this is a game about swimming) before his little brother! Luigi can swim for much longer periods than Mario, and his voice becomes so high when he breathes in the helium of his air-tank that he can repel enemies with one screech.
Toad: On each level of the underwater world the player will be able to find Toad, and play a mini-game called “suffocate Toad”. The object of the game is to take a Toad from dry land and force him to swim downwards through rock patterns for a minute. If you manage to navigate Toad down far enough, when he regains control there won’t be enough oxygen in his lungs for him to make it to the surface again, and he will explode. This will earn Mario or Luigi a Power Star. Power Stars are useless in this game.
Gameplay:
The player takes control of Mario or Luigi using the Wii remote. The majority of the gameplay takes place underwater, so the player must use the remote to ‘swim’ around the vast areas in search of something to do. Mario and Luigi have to be careful not to damage their air-tanks as they go on their quest, as they only have a limited amount of air each. Mario can swim for up to eight minutes at a time before he has to return to the surface, while Luigi – who is taller, and can thus hold a bigger tank on his back – has almost fifteen minutes of air. This naturally fills each new play with tension, as the player is always working against a countdown. With such limited amounts of air, the game will also last for far longer. Once Mario or Luigi have lowered all the water and return to dry land, the controls are basically the same as whatever Mario Galaxy used.
Multiplayer:
In keeping with Mario tradition, there will be no multiplayer mode.
Pitch: Super Mario Underwater
The Premise:
That dastardly King Bowser has kidnapped the Princess again! On top of kidnapping Princess Peach, Bowser has sunk the Mushroom Kingdom underwater with his new “Wave-O-Matic” machine so that his floating island “Bowserville” will be the only remaining land on the face of the planet! With the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom out of his way, Bowser finally will be able to rule supreme over the World! Or will he?
Characteristically forgotten by the evil dinosaur, the unstoppable plumbing force of Mario and Luigi managed to escape the flooding by putting on their scuba gear just before the waves reached them, and plot on foiling Bowser once again! Can you guide Mario and Luigi through Bowser’s various traps, and save the Princess?
Game Synopsis:
The player takes control of either Mario or Luigi as they swim around the immense 3-D levels looking for where buildings used to be. Once a building is found, which as the world was only 30% land before it was sunk, takes a while, the played swims down to it and rescues the villagers there through puzzle-solving. Once enough villagers are safe, you encounter the magical Frogman, who promises to drink part of the water in exchange for a set of diamond cufflinks he lost when the world was swallowed up by the sea. Find the cufflinks for him, and you will lower the level of the water so that Mario or Luigi can then swim further downwards without being subject to crushing water pressure, and the process starts again. Find cufflinks for the twelve Frogmen, and they fire a spout of water upwards. Mario or Luigi step into this spout of water and are forced straight upwards, towards Bowser’s floating island fortress.
Playable Characters:
Mario: A Kingdom in peril, a Princess that needs saving from a flame-breathing dinosaur… it’s all in a day’s work for Mario! Luckily this time, he’s been equipped with a harpoon gun and a scuba diving outfit by his good friend Professor E. Gadd, because his fireballs aren’t going to work underwater! Mario has less air time than Luigi, but is a faster swimmer and doesn’t look as gay in his costume.
Luigi: Is Luigi more of a hero than Mario? Certainly, he isn’t motivated by lust and the prospect of cake in his quest to save the world. So why does Mario get all the glory? Luigi is determined to get to the bottom of everything (literally, for this is a game about swimming) before his little brother! Luigi can swim for much longer periods than Mario, and his voice becomes so high when he breathes in the helium of his air-tank that he can repel enemies with one screech.
Toad: On each level of the underwater world the player will be able to find Toad, and play a mini-game called “suffocate Toad”. The object of the game is to take a Toad from dry land and force him to swim downwards through rock patterns for a minute. If you manage to navigate Toad down far enough, when he regains control there won’t be enough oxygen in his lungs for him to make it to the surface again, and he will explode. This will earn Mario or Luigi a Power Star. Power Stars are useless in this game.
Gameplay:
The player takes control of Mario or Luigi using the Wii remote. The majority of the gameplay takes place underwater, so the player must use the remote to ‘swim’ around the vast areas in search of something to do. Mario and Luigi have to be careful not to damage their air-tanks as they go on their quest, as they only have a limited amount of air each. Mario can swim for up to eight minutes at a time before he has to return to the surface, while Luigi – who is taller, and can thus hold a bigger tank on his back – has almost fifteen minutes of air. This naturally fills each new play with tension, as the player is always working against a countdown. With such limited amounts of air, the game will also last for far longer. Once Mario or Luigi have lowered all the water and return to dry land, the controls are basically the same as whatever Mario Galaxy used.
Multiplayer:
In keeping with Mario tradition, there will be no multiplayer mode.
Friday, 8 August 2008
Our Five Favourite Things About Ocarina Of Time
So what do we think are the best five things to happen/be found in Ocarina Of Time? A cunning question you have just asked, Sir! Allow us to answer in our own customary style: a top five list. (In fairness, it is hard to answer this question in any other way, so let’s ignore this mess of an introductory paragraph and just head straight for the list, shall we?) This one isn’t a countdown, just a list. It’s impossible to separate these five things.
The History of Hyrule Cutscene
We’re going to do this in order, which means that we shall be started with one of the first few cutscenes you see in the game. This cutscene slowly extends during the start of the game – you see bits of it at the beginning, then you complete part of the first few tasks and you are treated to more of it, and then you go back to playing. Once you’ve completed everything in the first area and leave the forest, you’ve learnt almost everything there is. It’s a great way to set up the mythos of Zelda for people, because at the start Link is trapped in a small area of forest where he lives. You are teased with points about the world you live in, which then leads up to the moment you leave the woods and actually find yourself in a staggeringly huge world with mountains in the distance – mountains you can actually climb up.
The cut-scene is wonderful not just for the timing of it. The main thing which drives the cut-scene into the memory is the sheer scale involved. It tells the story of how the world was created (naturally, super-powers and goddesses are involved here), and the driving force of the world is established as The Triforce. This becomes important later, as this is the power source that later gets stolen. A surprising number of games never take the time to explain the reason that the shiny is so important, but here the designers have taken a large chunk of time to detail what exactly the Triforce is, and why (oh, and how) it will come into play later on. It’s a strong, powerful touch, that sets up what becomes an epic, time-travelling saga.
The Death of the Deku Tree
And nothing makes the game more epic than the Deku Tree. True to form, he is a gigantic tree who watches over all the children who live in Kokiri Forest, Link’s home. He is a master and commander who has been around since the dawn of the World, and as such knows more than anyone else. He is wise, powerful, and a mentor to Link. And he’s ill. Your first mission proper, then, is to go inside him and find the cause of this illness. It turns out, as ever, to be a mutated insect who you have to kill. Mission completed, you return to the Deku Tree and he tells you about your true parentage (you’re not really a fairy-boy! Oh no!) Then, having saved the Deku Tree, you expect to be given a pass out of the forest so you can continue your sacred quest to, uh, collect shiny stones.
But instead he dies. It’s powerful, because this is a character you expect to be returning to often during your quest as a source for information and help – turns out, he’s just there to teach you a hard lesson: things change. And for OOT, a game where days end and nights start, and one evil Jasper Carrot impersonator can destroy whole villages, that’s an important lesson to learn.
The Chicken Revenge Squad
Heavy, man. Mondo grievance! But it’s not all doom and gloom in Ocarina or Time – there are other things going on instead. Every Zelda game is interconnected somehow, whether through location or characters. As the first game chronologically, OOT therefore has to have a few nods in to the games which preceded (follow) it. One of these is the chicken revenge squad, a team of crack fowls on the lookout for anyone who dares to commit feathery injustices. There is a farm in OOT, called “LonLon Ranch”, which is where you find your horse, Epona. There are also cows and chickens at this farm, and you can interact with all the different animals as much as you may wish (interact, we stress, and not ‘interact’. Mind out of the gutter, please). The chickens, in particular, can be interacted with through the process of stabbing them with your sword. They are invulnerable to attacks, but they feel the pain. You can shoot them with arrows or run them over with Epona, or bomb them – but if you hurt them for too long a period of time, The Chicken Revenge Squad will attack you with extreme prejudice. They’ve done this in almost every Zelda game to feature chickens, and to see it in 3D is mesmerising and terrifying.
Sweet dreams.
The Song Of Storms Paradox
Near to one of the other areas which houses chickens is a windmill, which works and everything, and is run by a man whose life has been driven insane by two visits from someone: you. You first meet him when you are an adult, and he tells you about this song he was taught by a small fairy-boy called “Link”. He hated this song, because whenever it gets played it rains inside and he gets all wet – because of this, the song is called ‘the Song Of Storms’. As with every ocarina song you get taught in the game, this is an insanely catchy little ditty, and you promptly remember it and use it infrequently during the rest of the game. In order to keep it though, you need to send yourself back in time… to have a quick chat with the windmill keeper. During this chat you play the song to him and it rains inside, driving him mad, but he remembers it. Thus he is able to teach it to you when you grow up and need it in seven years time, because it had such an effect on him.
But… if you only learn it from him because you taught it to him in the past after time-travelling… who taught it to you? Where does the song come from? You can blow your mind figuring this out, but as the fantastic and much-mourned N64 Magazine revealed – Terminator 2 is one of Shigeru Miyamoto’s favourite films. He’d be the guy who is responsible for this game, by the way, And Mario 64. He’s the most important designer in games. And he loves paradoxes. Just trying to comprehend the way this Song of Storms comes into being now, so we could write this, has given us a headache. But we love it.
Leaping the Gerudo Bridge
Speaking of Epona, who we mentioned earlier and is our favourite character in the game… she has a number of moments all to herself that are spectacular. One of the best is when you visit the ranch as an adult and find it has been turned evil, so you have to escape there with Epona by jumping over the back wall. This is just the rehearsal for what is to come later. There is an area you have to visit, a fortress run by women (I know, I know – women running things? It is a computer game though, so you have to allow it these slight leaps of fantasy) which is at the top of a small mountain. You are told to go there, so you run over and find that… hey, wait, the bridge that leads over there hasn’t been built yet! What’s up with THAT?
Apparently the carpenters who were working on the bridge have been kidnapped by these femme fatales, and you have to rescue them, it transpires. But this still does not give you any way of getting over the broken bridge, does it? If you try and run across on your own, you find yourself plummeting downwards into the stream below, in another example of how large this world is. Many games would have this be a leap to the death, and you resurrect at the top again, but in Zelda this drop leads to a river which feeds into a lake you’ll probably have visited earlier. Tis genius, but this is digressive. You try to think of a way across, but nothing comes to mind. Until you think of Epona. You call her over to you and saddle up, and then step away from the ledge. You take a deep breath, give her a carrot, and race towards the drop.
And Epona jumps it!
Those are just five of the many, many things we love about The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. It’s our favourite game of all time, and hopefully you’ll have been reading this week and nodding, because of the memories it’s stirred in you. Of course, you might have been one of those people who shunned the N64 and bought a Playstation instead because they were meant to be cooler. To you people, I say this: YOU LOST OUT BIGTIME.
N64 is the best console ever, and had the best games ever. And the very peak of the Shiny Goodness? Ocarina of Time. We rest our case.
The History of Hyrule Cutscene
We’re going to do this in order, which means that we shall be started with one of the first few cutscenes you see in the game. This cutscene slowly extends during the start of the game – you see bits of it at the beginning, then you complete part of the first few tasks and you are treated to more of it, and then you go back to playing. Once you’ve completed everything in the first area and leave the forest, you’ve learnt almost everything there is. It’s a great way to set up the mythos of Zelda for people, because at the start Link is trapped in a small area of forest where he lives. You are teased with points about the world you live in, which then leads up to the moment you leave the woods and actually find yourself in a staggeringly huge world with mountains in the distance – mountains you can actually climb up.
The cut-scene is wonderful not just for the timing of it. The main thing which drives the cut-scene into the memory is the sheer scale involved. It tells the story of how the world was created (naturally, super-powers and goddesses are involved here), and the driving force of the world is established as The Triforce. This becomes important later, as this is the power source that later gets stolen. A surprising number of games never take the time to explain the reason that the shiny is so important, but here the designers have taken a large chunk of time to detail what exactly the Triforce is, and why (oh, and how) it will come into play later on. It’s a strong, powerful touch, that sets up what becomes an epic, time-travelling saga.
The Death of the Deku Tree
And nothing makes the game more epic than the Deku Tree. True to form, he is a gigantic tree who watches over all the children who live in Kokiri Forest, Link’s home. He is a master and commander who has been around since the dawn of the World, and as such knows more than anyone else. He is wise, powerful, and a mentor to Link. And he’s ill. Your first mission proper, then, is to go inside him and find the cause of this illness. It turns out, as ever, to be a mutated insect who you have to kill. Mission completed, you return to the Deku Tree and he tells you about your true parentage (you’re not really a fairy-boy! Oh no!) Then, having saved the Deku Tree, you expect to be given a pass out of the forest so you can continue your sacred quest to, uh, collect shiny stones.
But instead he dies. It’s powerful, because this is a character you expect to be returning to often during your quest as a source for information and help – turns out, he’s just there to teach you a hard lesson: things change. And for OOT, a game where days end and nights start, and one evil Jasper Carrot impersonator can destroy whole villages, that’s an important lesson to learn.
The Chicken Revenge Squad
Heavy, man. Mondo grievance! But it’s not all doom and gloom in Ocarina or Time – there are other things going on instead. Every Zelda game is interconnected somehow, whether through location or characters. As the first game chronologically, OOT therefore has to have a few nods in to the games which preceded (follow) it. One of these is the chicken revenge squad, a team of crack fowls on the lookout for anyone who dares to commit feathery injustices. There is a farm in OOT, called “LonLon Ranch”, which is where you find your horse, Epona. There are also cows and chickens at this farm, and you can interact with all the different animals as much as you may wish (interact, we stress, and not ‘interact’. Mind out of the gutter, please). The chickens, in particular, can be interacted with through the process of stabbing them with your sword. They are invulnerable to attacks, but they feel the pain. You can shoot them with arrows or run them over with Epona, or bomb them – but if you hurt them for too long a period of time, The Chicken Revenge Squad will attack you with extreme prejudice. They’ve done this in almost every Zelda game to feature chickens, and to see it in 3D is mesmerising and terrifying.
Sweet dreams.
The Song Of Storms Paradox
Near to one of the other areas which houses chickens is a windmill, which works and everything, and is run by a man whose life has been driven insane by two visits from someone: you. You first meet him when you are an adult, and he tells you about this song he was taught by a small fairy-boy called “Link”. He hated this song, because whenever it gets played it rains inside and he gets all wet – because of this, the song is called ‘the Song Of Storms’. As with every ocarina song you get taught in the game, this is an insanely catchy little ditty, and you promptly remember it and use it infrequently during the rest of the game. In order to keep it though, you need to send yourself back in time… to have a quick chat with the windmill keeper. During this chat you play the song to him and it rains inside, driving him mad, but he remembers it. Thus he is able to teach it to you when you grow up and need it in seven years time, because it had such an effect on him.
But… if you only learn it from him because you taught it to him in the past after time-travelling… who taught it to you? Where does the song come from? You can blow your mind figuring this out, but as the fantastic and much-mourned N64 Magazine revealed – Terminator 2 is one of Shigeru Miyamoto’s favourite films. He’d be the guy who is responsible for this game, by the way, And Mario 64. He’s the most important designer in games. And he loves paradoxes. Just trying to comprehend the way this Song of Storms comes into being now, so we could write this, has given us a headache. But we love it.
Leaping the Gerudo Bridge
Speaking of Epona, who we mentioned earlier and is our favourite character in the game… she has a number of moments all to herself that are spectacular. One of the best is when you visit the ranch as an adult and find it has been turned evil, so you have to escape there with Epona by jumping over the back wall. This is just the rehearsal for what is to come later. There is an area you have to visit, a fortress run by women (I know, I know – women running things? It is a computer game though, so you have to allow it these slight leaps of fantasy) which is at the top of a small mountain. You are told to go there, so you run over and find that… hey, wait, the bridge that leads over there hasn’t been built yet! What’s up with THAT?
Apparently the carpenters who were working on the bridge have been kidnapped by these femme fatales, and you have to rescue them, it transpires. But this still does not give you any way of getting over the broken bridge, does it? If you try and run across on your own, you find yourself plummeting downwards into the stream below, in another example of how large this world is. Many games would have this be a leap to the death, and you resurrect at the top again, but in Zelda this drop leads to a river which feeds into a lake you’ll probably have visited earlier. Tis genius, but this is digressive. You try to think of a way across, but nothing comes to mind. Until you think of Epona. You call her over to you and saddle up, and then step away from the ledge. You take a deep breath, give her a carrot, and race towards the drop.
And Epona jumps it!
Those are just five of the many, many things we love about The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. It’s our favourite game of all time, and hopefully you’ll have been reading this week and nodding, because of the memories it’s stirred in you. Of course, you might have been one of those people who shunned the N64 and bought a Playstation instead because they were meant to be cooler. To you people, I say this: YOU LOST OUT BIGTIME.
N64 is the best console ever, and had the best games ever. And the very peak of the Shiny Goodness? Ocarina of Time. We rest our case.
Thursday, 7 August 2008
The Five Best Bosses In Ocarina Of Time
Ocarina of Time is filled to the fly-fishing gills with cool bosses. From giant mutants to viruses and ghosts and tentacle monsters (oh sweet lord, the tentacle monsters), OOT has something to satisfy everyone. As you now know he’s one of your favourite characters, it should come as no surprise to you that he dominates this list, with two (and a half) of the five entries being different versions of him. But is he the best boss? There are so many cool fights in there, perhaps something else might make it…?
5: Twinrova
Twinrova is the name of two witches who fly around above Link and fire down fire and ice on him as he tries desperately to avoid them. They are toying with him, and make this completely transparent to him as they soar across the screen, which adds to the fun of what is, admittedly, not the hardest of the boss fights. Link fights them by throwing their attacks back in their faces using a reflective shield he’s just picked up – how convenient that is, eh? When Twinrova dies – wait, there’s more here. Before we get to their brilliant death scene, let’s just go back to their start. Twinrova appear before, and kidnap a character that Link has just made friends, in a scary cut-scene that sinks the friend into quicksand and (at the time it’s presumed) killing her. There aren’t so many deaths in the game, so seeing the witches possibly kill someone is awesomely fearsome. Anyway, back to the death scene. I won’t spoil it for you, but it is so cartoonish that you won’t quite believe it as it happens. You should definitely Youtube it if you’re ever bored.
4: Bongo Bongo
This is such a bizarre boss that only Nintendo could ever have thought him up, those crazy Japanese fools. First, Link falls through a tunnel and onto a platform that floats in the air, for no discernable reason. Then a giant hand hits the ground next to him. And then a second hand hits the ground on the other side of him. Without warning, a strange eye-thing appears in the sky and watches him. The hands then start hitting the ground again, and you suddenly realise: You are on a massive bongo drum. Yes, friends – Nintendo realised the inherent dangers that would be presented to anyone who was shrunk down to miniature size and forced to live on top of a snare drum while someone was playing it… and turned it into part of their game. It’s so completely stupid that you have to applaud them for it. Sony never do anything as spastic as that!
3: King Dodongo
King Dodongo is a classic boss. Everything is present and correct – he is a giant dinosaur, you are an underdog, there is magma flowing round the centre of the room you fight him in – you can’t really need much more. Although if you do want more, then how about I tell you the way to kill King Dodongo? You throw bombs into his mouth. Now, I don’t know about you, but when a dinosaur is so strong that a magically sword isn’t good enough to hurt it, and you have to resort to throwing bombs into his mouth to kill him… well, that just reaches a whole new level of bad-ass, doesn’t it?
2: Phantom Ganon
This is the first of the bosses you face as an adult, and is just brilliant in most every way. This is a ghost on horseback who jumps out of paintings and hurls bolts of pure magic at you whenever he gets a chance, forcing you to parry them back at him using your sword. What lends this battle an extra layer of brilliant is that it is the only boss that Ganondorf himself sets on you during the game – once the phantom is defeated, Ganondorf sends you a message telling you how this was just a test, a rehearsal, if you will, for the real battle coming later in the game. Also; creepy. Very, very creepy. The music alone makes your spine tingle in ways that the Powers That Be never intended them to tingle.
1: Ganon
Easily the best battle in the game, because you can feel things are really at stake. Just when Link feels that he’s saved the day, Ganondorf jumps out of the remains of his castle and transforms into a gigantic pig thing with stupendously massive fire-swords. Yay! You are then stuck inside a circle of magic fire as Ganon rampages towards you and tries his damndest to kill the hell out of you – you can try hiding behind parts of the scenery, but Ganon is able to destroy them! There is seriously no escape here, for once. Add to this the sweeping music and Zelda’s worried scream from the sidelines whenever you get hurt (which, as we said, we love her for). And did we tell you that Navi has no way of working out how to kill Ganon? It’s completely up to you to work it out! That’s mind-blowingly great.
5: Twinrova
Twinrova is the name of two witches who fly around above Link and fire down fire and ice on him as he tries desperately to avoid them. They are toying with him, and make this completely transparent to him as they soar across the screen, which adds to the fun of what is, admittedly, not the hardest of the boss fights. Link fights them by throwing their attacks back in their faces using a reflective shield he’s just picked up – how convenient that is, eh? When Twinrova dies – wait, there’s more here. Before we get to their brilliant death scene, let’s just go back to their start. Twinrova appear before, and kidnap a character that Link has just made friends, in a scary cut-scene that sinks the friend into quicksand and (at the time it’s presumed) killing her. There aren’t so many deaths in the game, so seeing the witches possibly kill someone is awesomely fearsome. Anyway, back to the death scene. I won’t spoil it for you, but it is so cartoonish that you won’t quite believe it as it happens. You should definitely Youtube it if you’re ever bored.
4: Bongo Bongo
This is such a bizarre boss that only Nintendo could ever have thought him up, those crazy Japanese fools. First, Link falls through a tunnel and onto a platform that floats in the air, for no discernable reason. Then a giant hand hits the ground next to him. And then a second hand hits the ground on the other side of him. Without warning, a strange eye-thing appears in the sky and watches him. The hands then start hitting the ground again, and you suddenly realise: You are on a massive bongo drum. Yes, friends – Nintendo realised the inherent dangers that would be presented to anyone who was shrunk down to miniature size and forced to live on top of a snare drum while someone was playing it… and turned it into part of their game. It’s so completely stupid that you have to applaud them for it. Sony never do anything as spastic as that!
3: King Dodongo
King Dodongo is a classic boss. Everything is present and correct – he is a giant dinosaur, you are an underdog, there is magma flowing round the centre of the room you fight him in – you can’t really need much more. Although if you do want more, then how about I tell you the way to kill King Dodongo? You throw bombs into his mouth. Now, I don’t know about you, but when a dinosaur is so strong that a magically sword isn’t good enough to hurt it, and you have to resort to throwing bombs into his mouth to kill him… well, that just reaches a whole new level of bad-ass, doesn’t it?
2: Phantom Ganon
This is the first of the bosses you face as an adult, and is just brilliant in most every way. This is a ghost on horseback who jumps out of paintings and hurls bolts of pure magic at you whenever he gets a chance, forcing you to parry them back at him using your sword. What lends this battle an extra layer of brilliant is that it is the only boss that Ganondorf himself sets on you during the game – once the phantom is defeated, Ganondorf sends you a message telling you how this was just a test, a rehearsal, if you will, for the real battle coming later in the game. Also; creepy. Very, very creepy. The music alone makes your spine tingle in ways that the Powers That Be never intended them to tingle.
1: Ganon
Easily the best battle in the game, because you can feel things are really at stake. Just when Link feels that he’s saved the day, Ganondorf jumps out of the remains of his castle and transforms into a gigantic pig thing with stupendously massive fire-swords. Yay! You are then stuck inside a circle of magic fire as Ganon rampages towards you and tries his damndest to kill the hell out of you – you can try hiding behind parts of the scenery, but Ganon is able to destroy them! There is seriously no escape here, for once. Add to this the sweeping music and Zelda’s worried scream from the sidelines whenever you get hurt (which, as we said, we love her for). And did we tell you that Navi has no way of working out how to kill Ganon? It’s completely up to you to work it out! That’s mind-blowingly great.
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
The Five Best Characters In Ocarina Of Time Who Aren't Link
Alright, so it’s always harsh when people make lists of their favourite characters and the winner is someone totally predictable. Like when someone says they like the main character in Doctor, or Alias, because… they’re the main character. At Wilftonville we only like to celebrate the underdogs, the B-List (more often, however, the C-List. Hello, Claudia Winkleman!) and those who usually don’t get a fair shout. At the same time though, you have to recognise that most of the characters in OOT are average and not excellence in any way. It’s a shame, but that does mean that none of the glory gets taken away from the good characters. So here is our list of the five best characters in Ocarina Of Time… who aren’t Link. Sorry we didn’t include the awesome snarkiness of Mido, but there just wasn’t room for him in our list. Maybe next time, nerds!
Five: Ganondorf
There are a lot of great baddies in the world of computer games – Albert Wesker, Bowser, Gruntilda, Dr Robotnik. Ganondorf is better than all of them, because his only reason to be around is so he can be a complete dick. Ganondorf is clearly having a ball during the course of OOT, flouncing around with his big cloak and chasing WOMEN around with a glee not seen since Richard Harris died. As Link reaches his tower and dismantles all the power he has, before running up a long corridor to reach Ganondorf, what is the ginger-haired badass doing? He’s practising on his organ, of course! He turns round to face Link, and then seals away Zelda in a prison and prevents Navi from getting involved. Quite simply, Ganondorf is the balls. Most baddies go through the motions – Ganondorf is having the time of his life. He mocks, he cackles, he makes snarky comments. And then at the end as he circles the dimension he is forever to be imprisoned, he makes death threats against Link’s descendants. Classy!
Five: Ganondorf
There are a lot of great baddies in the world of computer games – Albert Wesker, Bowser, Gruntilda, Dr Robotnik. Ganondorf is better than all of them, because his only reason to be around is so he can be a complete dick. Ganondorf is clearly having a ball during the course of OOT, flouncing around with his big cloak and chasing WOMEN around with a glee not seen since Richard Harris died. As Link reaches his tower and dismantles all the power he has, before running up a long corridor to reach Ganondorf, what is the ginger-haired badass doing? He’s practising on his organ, of course! He turns round to face Link, and then seals away Zelda in a prison and prevents Navi from getting involved. Quite simply, Ganondorf is the balls. Most baddies go through the motions – Ganondorf is having the time of his life. He mocks, he cackles, he makes snarky comments. And then at the end as he circles the dimension he is forever to be imprisoned, he makes death threats against Link’s descendants. Classy!
Also, he looks like Jasper Carrot.
Four: Saria
Saria is the heartbreaking character in the game. She is Links’ best friend when he’s a child, and they live in the woods together amongst all the other fairy-children (stop laughing). However, once Link is given his quest he has to leave the forest forever, saying goodbye to Saria as he does so in a moment which will forever remind us of that scene in Return of The Jedi, between Luke and Leia. They’re on a bridge, and Saria gives Link her ocarina, which he then goes off and uses until the next floozy to come along with an ocarina (Zelda) gives him a better one, and he starts using that instead. Talk about being fickle! Link then grows seven years older, only to find Saria and realise that she hasn’t grown at all, being a fairy-child (Stop. Laughing.) and all. She has to accept the fact that she’ll never end up with Link, thus forming the first of approximately five unfulfilled love interests that Link will get during the course of the game. That dude must be feeling frisky as hell by now.
Three: The Great Fairies
The Great Faires are excellent entertainment, because they are easily the most fabulous divas the gaming world has ever seen. Throw away Lara Croft and Joanna Dark, because these long-legged nymphets have more style than both of those contenders combined. There are five or six of them in the game, all vastly freakish and yet coquettish when they see Link, and they give him varying powers as he goes off on his quest. They always appear out of a fountain, jumping up with a manic giggle before floating in the air in front of him and subjecting him to withering scrutiny before eventually giving him powers. The great fairies are absolutely awesome, and you know it.
Two: Adult Zelda
Yes, unfair. She’s got her name above the titles and all, but we still really like Zelda. You don’t see her in her adult form until right before the end of the game, and until then we have to make do with her child form, which looks like a disturbed block of pink cheese tucked into a gown. It’s not good. Thankfully, when we do finally get to meet the ‘real’ Zelda, she then becomes ace and helps you in the final fight. When you get into the ring for this final match, our favourite touch from the entire game is implemented: whenever you get hit by Ganon and go down, she shrieks for your safety. It’s rather touching, all things considered, and the way Nintendo animate the final cut-scene between the two is astounding, Zelda getting one last peek at the guy she (presumably) loves, before he’s taken away forever. It almost makes you forget that she doesn’t really exist and is a fictional construct created by the Japanese. Almost.
One: Epona.
It’s true: our favourite character in the game just so happens to be the horse. Sure, Epona doesn’t say anything, and she’s not exactly pivotal in the grand scheme of things…. But dammit, that horse has got soul. From the way she runs away from you at the start to the way she faithfully appears when you call her on your ocarina, you can’t go wrong with Epona. She’s responsible for at least two of the best moments in the game, one of which is when you free her from the ranch she’s being held in, and escape by jumping over the back wall. That is a scene where you truly feel the freedom that OOT has to offer, and also? You can fire arrows while on her back. Brilliant.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
The Five Worst Characters In Ocarina Of Time
Not everything about Ocarina of Time is brilliant. In fact, there are many things which are completely frustrating and hateable. Most of them are characters. While there are some cool character concepts and personalities present in the game, there also happen to by many characters that are completely horrible. Worst thing? None of the characters die during the course of the game (technically). Damn you, Nintendo!
When you start the game you go are asked to find your weapons and then solve a dungeon, all on your own, with no help, and things are good. It’s dangerous and startling, all up until you leave your home and reach the rest of the World, only to be stopped in your tracks by a giant owl who proceeds to tell you a load of boring crap about himself and what he thinks about you, giving a few subtle hints about what you should do next – “GO TO THE CASTLE, ELF-BITCH”. Creepiest of all, it does this whilst swivelling it’s head 360 degrees in a circle, vertically. See, the owl has two faces, each of which is more disturbing than the other. As you go through on your quest, diligently killing every animal that you meet on the way, this damn owl keeps popping up to give you his thoughts and opinions on how well you’re doing. You can’t even skip his dialogue! It’s insanely irritating.
At least the owl has the manners to not butt into your thoughts every five seconds with these opinions of his, however. As your fairy guide, Navi is constantly with you, updating you every five seconds with her useless knowledge and sense of direction – walk towards ‘Goron Mountain’ for example. Don’t take your time, though! If you are too slow, then Navi will jump up and confront you, telling you that ‘maybe we should go to Goron Mountain?’ She’s even more useless than the owl, in that respect. However, she does help you with your targeting system, which is fair enough.
A few days ago we made reference to a level where Link has to look after a young girl whilst battling through a dungeon. That’s a level set inside a whale’s stomach, incidentally, and the girl in question is called Princess Ruto. She owns a mystical gem that you need to complete the game, but she just so happens to accidentally get eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu, said giant whale, before you can take it. Then you have to follow her in and rescue her from her own pet whale. Now, nobody likes to have to do the ‘rescue the useless character’ section of any game, but the worst bit is that Ruto is doing this ON PUPOSE. She sits down halfway through, crosses her arms, and refuses to go any further unless you carry her. And then she tries to make out with you at the end? Dude!
If there is any character that creeps me out, then it is The Happy Mask Salesman. His coked-up antics as he talks to you about his mask are the stuff of nightmares, and in the subsequent game he got even scarier. I hate him.
Of all the monsters in the game, however, there aren’t that many terrifying ones. Down the well are some completely retarded things that grab you and don’t let go, and there are some shocks, but nothing really terrifying. Oh, except for the Re-deads. These zombielike things which are presumably the zombie remains of the nice civilians you meet early on in the game wander round uselessly, until you go near. At which point they frickin’ scream at you. It’s horrible! For nothing more than the petrifying screams they make, the re-deads are the worst enemies in the game.
When you start the game you go are asked to find your weapons and then solve a dungeon, all on your own, with no help, and things are good. It’s dangerous and startling, all up until you leave your home and reach the rest of the World, only to be stopped in your tracks by a giant owl who proceeds to tell you a load of boring crap about himself and what he thinks about you, giving a few subtle hints about what you should do next – “GO TO THE CASTLE, ELF-BITCH”. Creepiest of all, it does this whilst swivelling it’s head 360 degrees in a circle, vertically. See, the owl has two faces, each of which is more disturbing than the other. As you go through on your quest, diligently killing every animal that you meet on the way, this damn owl keeps popping up to give you his thoughts and opinions on how well you’re doing. You can’t even skip his dialogue! It’s insanely irritating.
At least the owl has the manners to not butt into your thoughts every five seconds with these opinions of his, however. As your fairy guide, Navi is constantly with you, updating you every five seconds with her useless knowledge and sense of direction – walk towards ‘Goron Mountain’ for example. Don’t take your time, though! If you are too slow, then Navi will jump up and confront you, telling you that ‘maybe we should go to Goron Mountain?’ She’s even more useless than the owl, in that respect. However, she does help you with your targeting system, which is fair enough.
A few days ago we made reference to a level where Link has to look after a young girl whilst battling through a dungeon. That’s a level set inside a whale’s stomach, incidentally, and the girl in question is called Princess Ruto. She owns a mystical gem that you need to complete the game, but she just so happens to accidentally get eaten by Lord Jabu-Jabu, said giant whale, before you can take it. Then you have to follow her in and rescue her from her own pet whale. Now, nobody likes to have to do the ‘rescue the useless character’ section of any game, but the worst bit is that Ruto is doing this ON PUPOSE. She sits down halfway through, crosses her arms, and refuses to go any further unless you carry her. And then she tries to make out with you at the end? Dude!
If there is any character that creeps me out, then it is The Happy Mask Salesman. His coked-up antics as he talks to you about his mask are the stuff of nightmares, and in the subsequent game he got even scarier. I hate him.
Of all the monsters in the game, however, there aren’t that many terrifying ones. Down the well are some completely retarded things that grab you and don’t let go, and there are some shocks, but nothing really terrifying. Oh, except for the Re-deads. These zombielike things which are presumably the zombie remains of the nice civilians you meet early on in the game wander round uselessly, until you go near. At which point they frickin’ scream at you. It’s horrible! For nothing more than the petrifying screams they make, the re-deads are the worst enemies in the game.
Monday, 4 August 2008
Ocarina Of Time Week!
This week, during my glorious absence from the Internet as I travel the world in search of a country that makes really, really nice cakes, we are going to be celebrating ‘The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time’. Over the next five days – unless I mess up the tech and it all arrive at once – we’re going to explore the good sides of Zelda, and the bad sides of Zelda. It is almost unquestionably one of the best games ever made, and I’d suggest it is in fact THE best. But whilst it’s very easy to say that; it’s even easier to offer top five lists that back up the claim without any evidence given. So that’s why today we’re going to look at the five games that most live up to the majesty of Ocarina of Time.
If you don’t know what Ocarina Of Time is, then this week probably won’t be for you.
Five: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
This game appeared on the Gameboy, and is one of only three games to feature the ‘original’ Link in them, if we’ve get our timeline correct. Link’s Awakening comes just after Ocarina chronologically, as Link goes off on a boat journey and gets blowed up by a storm and wakes up on a beach. Happily though, the beach just so happens to be part of an island which is plagued by monsters what need killing and people what need saving, and so Link goes off on a quest to kill off the nightmare that rules the place. It’s a great, epic, and poignant story – like Ocarina of Time! Both games feature several of the same characters (and, happily, keep Tingle out of the equation) whilst putting in new features to the Zelda mythos. The ending is bittersweet too, and you can see the influences that blend the two games together stylistically. Link’s Awakening was perhaps one of the best games to come out on the Gameboy, ever, and lasts bloody ages.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Horse-riding.
Four: Resident Evil 4
Leon S Kennedy, after surviving a load of zombies/mutated people in the second Resident Evil game, returned to the series for part 4, set in a creepy European village (is there any other kind?) As Leon explores the village he finds out that there be monsters afoot, and is promptly attacked by mutated whales and trolls and – worst of all – a creepy albino kid who thinks he’s Napoleon. The game serves both as an exciting adventure, and as a warning to all Americans not to go to Europe. RE4 borrows a lot from Zelda, despite being set in a more modern time and featuring guns instead of swords as the main weapons. Both games wind down the player so that events get more and more tense as they go on – in Zelda because the baddie is consolidating his power even as you try to stop him, and in RE because you’re starting to show traits of being infected by that darned zombie virus everyone is talking so much about. Atmosphere are very important for both games, to provide shocks and create new challenges with old areas. Resident Evil 4 turned out to not only be the best of the series, but one of the better games to come from the past few years.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
There is only one level where you have to protect a useless girl.
Three: Sim City
Sim City is a game where you create your own city and then try to destroy it in the most hilarious way possible. Well… you’re not ‘supposed’ to destroy it, as such, but that’s what everybody does anyway, by setting fires and then “forgetting” to build a fire station, or by unleashing a monster on the city. Devastation is fun! Zelda is similar in that it gives you an entire world to play with, which then gets destroyed over time – just like with Sim City! Okay, we admit it; we couldn’t think of five games and so we threw this one in as an afterthought. So sue us. (Note: do not sue us)
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
It is a good game.
Two: Grand Theft Auto
Grand Theft Auto is the closest any game has got to the vast scope that Zelda gives the casual player. Here; you are given a town to muck around in, and you can fly helicopters of drive boats, cars, motorcycles, all whilst trying to kill innocent bystanders and jerk the police around. So, uh, a little less moral than Zelda, then. But much of the gameplay is the same, so long as you swap the police with giant spiders (in your mind, dude) and the pedestrians with little fairy children. It sounds very different, but really both games give you a world to play in at your leisure, and you can do whatever you want, when you want to do it. In Zelda you can rescue the nice farmyard from the dictatorship than gets forced upon it right at the start, or you can leave it possessed. In GTA games you can pick your missions whenever you want. Both games feature simple, clever gameplay which conceal a storyline that stretches out into more cinematic territory. Really, they have quite a lot in common, in their own decidedly different ways.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
You care about if your character lives or dies.
One: Super Mario 64
Super Mario 64 is also the greatest game of all time. Both Mario and Link appeared on the N64 once in their own series, and both of them gave us a contender for the best gaming experience of all time. Whilst Mario was the first game to go properly 3-D in a way which was awesome, quirky, and completely fun, Ocarina of Time did the same thing but added a storyline to proceedings. Again you have the individual world that the character lives in, dominated by references to the past and innovative gameplay. Both characters go on their quest to save the Princess (when will the princess get to do the saving, Nintendo? When?) and ultimately save the day, if the player is good enough. These are computer game masterpieces, right here, and neither have been bettered yet – not even by their sequels.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Toad isn’t in it.
If you don’t know what Ocarina Of Time is, then this week probably won’t be for you.
Five: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
This game appeared on the Gameboy, and is one of only three games to feature the ‘original’ Link in them, if we’ve get our timeline correct. Link’s Awakening comes just after Ocarina chronologically, as Link goes off on a boat journey and gets blowed up by a storm and wakes up on a beach. Happily though, the beach just so happens to be part of an island which is plagued by monsters what need killing and people what need saving, and so Link goes off on a quest to kill off the nightmare that rules the place. It’s a great, epic, and poignant story – like Ocarina of Time! Both games feature several of the same characters (and, happily, keep Tingle out of the equation) whilst putting in new features to the Zelda mythos. The ending is bittersweet too, and you can see the influences that blend the two games together stylistically. Link’s Awakening was perhaps one of the best games to come out on the Gameboy, ever, and lasts bloody ages.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Horse-riding.
Four: Resident Evil 4
Leon S Kennedy, after surviving a load of zombies/mutated people in the second Resident Evil game, returned to the series for part 4, set in a creepy European village (is there any other kind?) As Leon explores the village he finds out that there be monsters afoot, and is promptly attacked by mutated whales and trolls and – worst of all – a creepy albino kid who thinks he’s Napoleon. The game serves both as an exciting adventure, and as a warning to all Americans not to go to Europe. RE4 borrows a lot from Zelda, despite being set in a more modern time and featuring guns instead of swords as the main weapons. Both games wind down the player so that events get more and more tense as they go on – in Zelda because the baddie is consolidating his power even as you try to stop him, and in RE because you’re starting to show traits of being infected by that darned zombie virus everyone is talking so much about. Atmosphere are very important for both games, to provide shocks and create new challenges with old areas. Resident Evil 4 turned out to not only be the best of the series, but one of the better games to come from the past few years.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
There is only one level where you have to protect a useless girl.
Three: Sim City
Sim City is a game where you create your own city and then try to destroy it in the most hilarious way possible. Well… you’re not ‘supposed’ to destroy it, as such, but that’s what everybody does anyway, by setting fires and then “forgetting” to build a fire station, or by unleashing a monster on the city. Devastation is fun! Zelda is similar in that it gives you an entire world to play with, which then gets destroyed over time – just like with Sim City! Okay, we admit it; we couldn’t think of five games and so we threw this one in as an afterthought. So sue us. (Note: do not sue us)
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
It is a good game.
Two: Grand Theft Auto
Grand Theft Auto is the closest any game has got to the vast scope that Zelda gives the casual player. Here; you are given a town to muck around in, and you can fly helicopters of drive boats, cars, motorcycles, all whilst trying to kill innocent bystanders and jerk the police around. So, uh, a little less moral than Zelda, then. But much of the gameplay is the same, so long as you swap the police with giant spiders (in your mind, dude) and the pedestrians with little fairy children. It sounds very different, but really both games give you a world to play in at your leisure, and you can do whatever you want, when you want to do it. In Zelda you can rescue the nice farmyard from the dictatorship than gets forced upon it right at the start, or you can leave it possessed. In GTA games you can pick your missions whenever you want. Both games feature simple, clever gameplay which conceal a storyline that stretches out into more cinematic territory. Really, they have quite a lot in common, in their own decidedly different ways.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
You care about if your character lives or dies.
One: Super Mario 64
Super Mario 64 is also the greatest game of all time. Both Mario and Link appeared on the N64 once in their own series, and both of them gave us a contender for the best gaming experience of all time. Whilst Mario was the first game to go properly 3-D in a way which was awesome, quirky, and completely fun, Ocarina of Time did the same thing but added a storyline to proceedings. Again you have the individual world that the character lives in, dominated by references to the past and innovative gameplay. Both characters go on their quest to save the Princess (when will the princess get to do the saving, Nintendo? When?) and ultimately save the day, if the player is good enough. These are computer game masterpieces, right here, and neither have been bettered yet – not even by their sequels.
Why Ocarina Of Time is better:
Toad isn’t in it.
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