The Wilftonville Christmas Appeal

With Christmas just round the corner now, it’s time for us to think not of ourselves, or of any religious iconography whatsoever, but instead of others. Unless those others are involved in religious iconography, as previously stated. Yes, it’s time for The Annual Wilftonville Christmas Appeal.

Blue Peter does not have a monopoly on these things.

This Christmas, you may be sat round the Christmas tree with your family, opening presents and laughing. But for some children, that laughter never comes, because they are dying of starvation. In countries less well off than our own (Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Scotland), people are starving right now and it’s something that we feel is no longer acceptable. Not in this big, shining globe of hope which Barack Obama is due to start ruling soon, surely? To think that in some places there are people who will not be able to cut into a Christmas Turkey/Hannukah Goose/Buddhist whateverthehell Buddhists are allowed to eat; because they don’t have one. How horrendous the World can be sometimes.

And you, you’re laughing so much at your Christmas joy. Can’t you spend a moment on spreading it to other people? Would that be so difficult? All we ask at Wilftonville is that you send us the dessicated remains of your pets once they die. Now, it’s never easy to lose a pet, especially one which you are close to – but does that really excuse that fact that around the world, millions of pets are buried once they die? That’s millions of potential meals for starving people, given to the underground creatures instead of the humans who need them.

Have you ever seen the underground creatures? They are hideous. You shouldn’t keep feeding them.

To take part in The Wilftonville Annual Appeal, please wait until your beloved pet dies a natural death and then post the corpse to us so that we can forward it to a starving boy in North Australia (near Cairns, the ‘third world’ of Oz). With your help, we can make a difference to so many people - especially if you keep pet cows.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

7 Things YOU Can Do To Save The World

After being sent a link to www.7things.org, a site which tries to give us seven simple things we can do to help protect the world from all the problems it currently has, I was inspired to create my own list of seven things we can all do to help our planet. So here, in no particular order, are my own 7 Ideas. Sure, some of them are "illegal", but when the fate of the planet is at stake, which side would you rather be on? The Law, or The Environment?


1: KILL. Whenever animals breathe in, they use up precious oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide, which is bad. There is no way of filtering this, so the best thing to do is to kill anything you see that breathes, thus lowering the carbon dioxide/oxygen proportions. Killing cows is especially a good idea, as they are the worst offenders here, and taste delicious.

2: Only buy things built through child-labour. By only buying things built in cramped Taiwanese sweatshops, you can guarantee that MORE of your money goes towards the children. As an added bonus, these are generally the cheapest items on the market, so everybody wins!

3: Stop reading Illicitly Eating Flowers. You’re wasting electricity just by being here. Thanks and all, but – go away. For the sake of the planet.

4: Hunt down predators. Did you know that Salmon are an endangered species? Well they are, and the main reason for this, obviously, is bears. By taking to the forest in our hundreds, armed with rifles, we can try and put down these grizzly killers before they get rid of all our salmon for good. Whales also do a lot to whittle down the numbers of fish in our seas – we need to get some electrified spears and get them before there are no cod left to make the fish-fingers we all love.

5: Illegally download things. Think about all the plastic used in making CDs and DVDs and all those little things you like to buy. Plastic can’t biodegrade, making it bad for the environment, and creating it causes bad gasses that cause global warming or something. So next time you think about buying a lovely new ‘thing’, think first – "could I download this online?" If so, then go do it. It’s your duty as an environmentalist.

6: Never wash. Running water is a waste of electricity. We were given the gift of rain (especially in England), and we should make the most of it. Also don’t use deodorants, because they use CFCs which are bad for the O-Zone.

7: Have less sex. Having children means that there will be more people to potentially ruin the planet in a few years time. If you follow Rule 6 though, this one will be easy enough.

See? You CAN make a list like this without having to make any reference to cheerleaders. Take that, corporate America!