Casting a British Version of Community

Community is the best sitcom on television at the moment. At the very least, it's the best English-language sitcom. The story centres around a group of people who go to a second-chance college. Their lives have not really worked out, so they've gone back to college to either get a new degree, meet some new people, or get away from their previous lives. The show stars Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Danny Pudi, Yvette Nicole Brown, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Ken Jeong, and Chevy Chase. Given American TV's insistence on recasting and remaking British shows instead of airing the original series, what would it be like if we recast Community for a British audience, using actors who are in a similar position to the actors on the American version? Well, it'd be a lot whiter, for a start. Here's where we think it'd go.


Jeff - played by Joel McHale
British counterpart – Harry Hill

Joel McHale's 'main' role is as the commentator on The Soup, a TV show which makes fun of other TV shows. In Britain we have a slightly better version of the same show, and in Britain it's run by Harry Hill. A bald, bespectacled former doctor with a wacky sense of humour and a fondness for puppets and animation, Harry Hill is by no means leading man material. However, he is Britain's version of Joel McHale. Or rather, Joel is America's version of Harry Hill.


Britta - played by Gillian Jacobs
British counterpart – Tamsin Grieg

We needed to pick an actress who is known for comedy, but comedy which is kinda dramatic. A proper actress who can do comedy at the same time, in other words. With Episodes, Love Soup, and a variety of other roles under her belt, Tamsin Grieg fits this role perfectly.


Abed - played by Danny Pudi
British counterpart – Sandi Toksvig

We picked another Nordic comedian. Sandi Toksvig should be in everything.


Shirley - played by Yvette Nicole Brown
British counterpart – Dawn French

They have the same voice! Listen to them both and see if you disagree. We looked for female comediennes who looked like they'd give you a good, strong hug. And Dawn french sprung to mind almost instantly.


Annie - played by Alison Brie
British counterpart – Sharon Horgan

Sharon Horgan stars in a series of TV shows, including The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret and Pulling. She can do proper roles. She can do humour. She is good at acting. She is AMAZING at comedy. Plus she has brown hair. How perfect!

Troy - played by Donald Glover
British counterpart – Noel Fielding

A very popular comedian who sings, does sketch comedy and writes extensively for other shows, Donald Glover only has one contemporary who comes to mind. Noel Fielding. The energetic half of The Mighty Boosh is massively popular right now, especially on the internet. He has more female fans than male fans, just like Glover, and has a surprisingly wide range of voices and characters.


Chang - played by Ken Jeong
British counterpart – Omid Djalili

Think of a smart comedian who can look completely crazy on a whim. You're thinking of Omid Djalili. The role of Chang requires a witty, intelligent, charming comedian to act like a total mental jerk every week. Omid has shown with some of his film work that he is not only absolutely mad at times, but he can be mad, a jerk, and kinda likeable.


Pierce - played by Chevy Chase
British counterpart – Michael Barrymore

Michael Barrymore is somewhat disgraced from the British comedy scene, despite being a brilliant personality and great comedian. Chevy Chase was in the same role before Community, and is now starting to recover his career. What do you think, guys?

Stephanie Meyer Announces a FIFTH Twilight Book!

Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series have been a tremendous success around the World, and possibly the area between the World and Mercury. While Venusians are keen on the timeless tale of vampires and werewolves and the human caught between them, the people of Mercury find the writing to be a little lacklustre. The Martians are outright angry about the existence of the books, furious that there are no strong Martian characters in any of the title roles. The books are most massively popular on Earth, where the books – and Robert Pattinson’s dreamy combination of looking like he hates being in the film adaptations and staring both to and from the camera – are some of the most read and loved in the World. After four books which take the story to the logical conclusion of turning the main character into a vampire and having the werewolf fall in love with her newborn baby, we all thought Meyer was done. Nobody expected there to be more novels in her, especially not ones which could capture the heart, imagination, verve and wit which were so admirably left out of the original quadrilogy.

Yet the news has just come through that Meyer IS currently in the process of writing a fifth novel. While it may seem that the stories Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn definitively told the story of Bella and Edward, the vampire couple who will glitter forevermore, the title of the new book suggests a new direction for the storyline. Titled “Lunchtime”, the novel follows on directly from the past four books and sees Bella struggling to cope with her hunger. Although she wants to gorge herself on the arteries of some orphan children, Edward doesn’t dig fat chicks and she develops bulimia as a result. Meanwhile her former love interest Jacob is happily married to her newborn baby, and they are living in Alaska.

Now, things seem to be simple so far, until the arrival of a zombie into the picture. Called Samuel, the zombie meets Bella and is instantly smitten. As she is dead and thus has no legal obligation to stay loyal to Edward, Bella elopes with Samuel in some gloomy woods and they stare at each other for the middle section of the book. Meanwhile Edward himself finds that his eternal love for Bella is severely tested by the arrival of a mermaid, whose watery tendrils drag him underwater. He learns that he has gills and was the son of The Mermaid King. He’s asked to stay underwater forevermore, living underneath a lake near a gloomy forest.

This may seem simple so far, but things get complicated when the newborn baby ‘imprints’ a human male called Leslie, who wears a deep overcoat and lives in council housing on his own, in a deserted neighbourhood. Leslie attempt to abduct the child, and Jacob is too distracted by his own struggle not to cheat on the baby with a Chimera. Although Leslie is eventually caught by the Werewolf council and eaten, Jacob is left an outcast by the clan and has to go live on his own in a gloomy forest.

You may be thinking “this is all pretty simple so far”. Well hold on to your hats, because one day Bella and Samuel go for a row on the lake where Edward is living as the Crown Mermaid Prince, and Jacob spots her. Running across the surface of the lake, as all werewolves are able to, he pounces on Bella and eats her for being unfaithful to Edward. At the very same time, Edward abandons the mermaids and returns to the surface. Upon seeing what has happened on the boat, he is about to attack Jacob when they suddenly imprint on each other and fall in love. They push Samuel over the side of the boat and he floats to the bottom of the lake, where he falls in love with the mermaid Princess and they rule the lake forever more.

The final chapter sees Edward and Jacob row away on their boat together, little aware that a Medusa called Stephanie is watching them. To be continued??

Is TV Ready for a Sports Series About Luge?

I was reading a newspaper article – I know, right? – about the decline of bizarre sports programmes. When I was a child I was roughly the same age as the reporter when he was a child, and his disappointment about the disappearance of Trans World Sport and Gazzetta Football Italia struck a nerve with me. Hello if you’re reading by the way, Johnathan Liew. Isn’t it weird how some people are called Johnathan? Like, they actually think that’s a real name? Anyway. Trans World Sport was a short programme dedicated to showing Britain how uncultured it was. Showcasing the best and most exciting sports from around the World, it was designed to show off the global culture which is rapidly taking over the World and may even now be considered ‘officially’ international. It was a noble cause, but the reality was that Worldwide sports are bollocks and played mainly be mentals. Instead of being surprised by inspirational acts and ingenious sports, we instead laughed heartily at people cycling backwards or attempting to play trampoline volleyball. Most sports seemed to end with someone lying concussed on the floor, while other players ignored him or order to showboat at the camera. Trans World Sport was mad, quirky, and the funniest programme on telly. And now it’s gone.

To Sky, where sports programming goes to die. It leaves a hole in the schedules which has been swallowed up by cooking shows and home improvement advice, and people who don’t like sports but like laughing at people who do (the internet) are left with nothing to watch. Youtube has filled the void for many people, but there’s still something impersonal about that website and the way it lets everyone do whatever they want. If an enterprising and exciting television channel were to decide that they should put some more sports on TV, there would certainly be an audience for it. But what sport could possibly be MASSIVE enough to keep us all entertained? The answer is ludicrously, literally Luge.

Luge isn’t even recognised as a word on Microsoft Office, let alone appreciated on a mass scale like football or baseball or tapir-pouncing (national sport of Gibraltar). But it is exciting, entertaining, and British people are actually quite good at it. The premise is that people lie down face-forwards on a tray and go down a slide made of PURE ICE. Whoever gets to the bottom quickest is the winner. Now I know what you’re thinking – there is no sportsmanship involved in this, it’s an event which relies entirely on body shape and weight. And yes, that seems to absolutely be the case. But Luge looks AMAZING on television. It’s the right mix of dangerous, speed-freaky, and all the contestants wear skintight outfits. Fetishists and sports enthusiasts are going to love it. Is TV ready for Luge? We’re going to start pushing for more Luge coverage on TV over the next few months. Stay tuned to see how our campaign goes…

The Lone Girl At The Pool

Swimming is a great source of exercise. By jumping into a single contained body of water and not drowning for upwards of twenty minutes at a time, one can be refreshed, invigorate, and reminded what it feels like to have half a litre of chlorinated water swilling round between your eardrums, behind your optic nerve, and in your nose. But picture this scene, imaginauts – you are a girl.

Picture these other things also! In this XX chromosomed scenario, you are a girl who also decides to be healthy, fit and active. You go to said body of chlorinated water with an eye to jumping in it and not drowning for a while, thusly exercising your muscles. It’s a wise decision, and will help with your asthma. The only problem is that, upon arrival at the swimming pool, you find that you are... The Lone Girl At The Pool.

Suddenly everything starts to fall apart. Old men are doing groundbreakingly slow laps of the fast lane. Large men with varying quantities and qualities of facial hair are lounging around the steam rooms. Boys are hogging the slide, forcibly pushing each other down and jumping on top of each other loudly. And muscular douchebags – oh, those muscular douchebags! – are sat in the Jacuzzis. How do these bros manage to have six-packs when they do no exercise at the gym, instead spending two hours every night in the Jacuzzi before heading off down the pub to glass a minority? It’s an irritating mystery, girls. They may look hunky and powerful, but they seem to do bugger all work to get to that stage. What do they know that I—

I mean, picture yourself as a girl. What do you do if you are the only girl there, and the men are imminently about to start tearing their eyes into your legs, bum, and boobs? We’re here to help, literal and visualised girls. We’re here to help.


So what should your first few moves be? How can you manoeuvre yourself through this situation without causing embarrassment or self-awareness, or bringing leering, judgement, and yes a small degree of self-awareness from the boys? Well let’s start this off by breaking down who the men at a swimming pool will be, and what they are doing there. Pre-planning and research is key to your success!


Location #1: The Kid’s Pool

If there are no women in the pool apart from yourself, then by process of logic there will be no mothers watching over the kid’s pool. This will dramatically decrease the number of kids in the training pool in the first place, leaving only the sons whose fathers are either exceptionally well-meaning or whom only see their sons once every month. In the first case, there is no problem. These devoted dads are dedicated to their doggy-paddling delinquents and won’t pay you any notice. The latter set of dads, however, could prove problematic. Ignoring their brattish sons at the first opportunity, these lanky deadbeats will ogle you as soon as they hear your footsteps approaching.


Location #2: The Main Pool

Focus on the main pool. All manner of pondlife could be floating around in here – from yappy frogspawn right through to warty toads. Be particularly careful as you scan, as certain swimmers may be underwater as you sweep the horizon, biding their time until you swim past before they latch onto you. These are some of the most dangerous predators in the pool, as their eyes are resistant to the sting of chlorine, making them immune to any pepper spray you may fire at them following an awkward encounter at the car-park afterwards.


Location #3: Steam Rooms/Sauna

Not every, or many, pools have either a steam room or sauna. So don’t waste your time looking in the sauna if you don’t have one, or you may rip into the fabric of linear space. If you do have either of these rooms in your pool, look for the tell-tale sign of blobby movement behind the door. The majority of steam room/sauna users are fat businessmen. STAY AWAY!


Location #4: Jacuzzis

A bubbling hotbed of male testosterone, the hot tubs are the most terrifying of sights for a young female to behold. Only one form of the male species frequents the hot tub – the “bro”. Bros are youths between the ages of eighteen and thirty who only go to the pool to lounge around in the Jacuzzis. Bafflingly muscular despite their hard-drinking, tough-bro’ing lifestyles, these men are thoroughly tanned and tattooed liberally. You wouldn’t want to come across on in a night club (or would you?), let alone a whole posse of them in a hot tub. Sat alone in there, cramped on all sides by mean-flirtin’ bros who all have jobs in construction? NIGHTMARE!


Check by next month for more advice!

Reasons We Should Expect The Giants To Attack Us #1

Noticed all those dead birds recently? If you’re the kind of person who enjoys leaving the house, you’ll have noticed by now that there are dead birds lying everywhere, just scattered dead on the floor like tiny bird-shaped corpse presents. What’s with all the dead birds, you guys? It’s a sign that the Giants are returning, is the answer. Why are they a sign that the Giants are returning? Let us answer that. Let us tell you why they are evidence that the Giants are returning.

We’re talkin’ about golden eggs, yo. It’s an expensive life, being a Giant, and there are very few careers which ask for applicants to be monstrously tall. As a matter of fact, most businesses actively discriminate against the gargantuan. As a result Giants have switched their attention to magic, and attain all their wealth exclusively from the golden egg business. While there is the odd fruity Giant who makes his money from Golden Harp Recitals, by and large (if you’ll excuse the pun), Giants rely on golden nuggets for their day-to-day financing.

The problem is that in our current economic and environmental climate, such fowls no longer exist. Evolution and capitalism at work, people! So when the Giants do finally return, they’re going to need to find new birds to fire out Golden Eggs for them. Birds worldwide, having sensed that the return of the Giants is imminent, are all about the immortality. They want to live forever and become famous, guardians of golden gander gifts, and so they’re straining and straining and forcing themselves into producing gold eggs.

The trouble is that only select birds are able to tap into the magics which allow them to produce golden eggs, and the majority of them are doomed to failure. Gold is notoriously difficult to spontaneously create, and birds are typically unfamiliar with the periodic table. Thusly, too often we are seeing birds create granite eggs which weigh them down. Too heavy to fly anymore, they hurtle down to Earth in this thousands, dying instantly upon impact.

Now, I’m not a Scientist, but this sounds irrefutable to me. The moment a sparrow succeeds in turning their yolk into gold? The Giants will return.

Podcast à la mode #3

The Adam and Joe Podcast
By Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish

By the time you read this, it should be April where you live! If it isn't April where you live, then we strongly suggest you stop living near The Large Hadron Collider! But for the majority of you all, and us also for we are part of the greater we, it is now April. And this is glorious news, because that means it's time for Adam and Joe to return to broadcast! A pair of radio-presenters with a difference (the difference being talent and creativity), Adam and Joe are now available to you on a weekly basis, and hilarity can once more reign down upon your houses! As a note, you do not need a skylight in order for hilarity to reign down into your house, as hilarity operates in a manner similar to - but not akin to - radiation poisioning. It can penetrate your roof, unless you live in a house of lead.

Do you live in a house of lead? If so, then we'd love to hear from you! There are experiments that we've always wanted to try, but have never had the facilities to enable.


What Happens In This Podcast?

Adam and Joe used to present on telly back in the nineties, doing their own show for years as part of Channel 4's dedication to reaching a youthful audience. Their unique type of silly childish humour proved to be a big hit, as they were intelligent and witty without isolating dumb people, and they could perform pranks without being mean-spirited of nasty. They were nice chums that liked computer games and comics, and they were on telly! What an inspiration for a whole generation of bloggers they must've become, surely, perhaps. Well once they stopped doing their telly show they moved to radio, and started to do much the same as they did before, only this time on the radio. Um, obviously.

So you can hear their first radio shows via the XFM Adam and Joe podcast, which is still available on the ol' iTunes. But more importantly, you can hear highlights from their current radio show on BBC 6music even as we speak! Can you imagine listening to Adam and Joe and reading Wilftonville at the same time, chums? The sheer possibilities such an event could bring! Their regular features include Text The Nation, where they read out readers' suggestions about things like "what should the next crime show be about" and get answers like "Sgt Wiggle The Worm. He later gets cut in half and the short end becomes his sidekick". There's also the ever-popular SONG WARS in which the two literally WAR against each other via the use of SONGS, and many other bits of silly banter and giggling.

We Recommend This Podcast!

If you enjoy the podcast, you should also watch Hot Fuzz! Both Adam and Joe are in it, as they are good friends with Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright. They may also have appeared in Spaced, but we can't remember. And also! Joe's directed a film and written a film this year - Attack The Block, and it's going to be brilliant! You can find Adam on his youtube channel, also Joe co-wrote the new Tintin movie with Steven Moffat. Amazing!

What Should Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way' Video Have Been Like?

We're writing this post just after the release of Lady Gags' video release for her comeback single 'Born This Way', a Madonna-esque gay-power anthem which owes itself entirely to disco. The video can be seen below. Please watch it so you can draw your conclusions as to how effective it is as a piece of "art", which is almost certainly how Gags herself wants it to be seen. Well, it's B-Movie Art, in the sense that it's value as art is only due to it's camp value and exploitative themes being... well, exploited. But enough GCSE-Level Art analysis! (Talkin' bout a C Grade, y'all) Watch it now:

Isn't it a poor video? Not in the sense that it isn't well-directed and the dancing is poor, but in the sense that it pays no attention to the themes of the song itself. Gags' most popular video is by far Bad Romance, which featured a fluorescent sex-bunker in which she sold herself to a man in a half-mask for money and a polar-bear dress. The video ties in to the song, in at least the barest of ways (bearest of ways, heh). Her next video, Telephone, was about being distracted by her boyfriend when she's out having a drink. So she did a Tarantino tribute video about going on the run with Beyonce and killing a load of people. The shock value was what kept all that working. The song is so trivial and the video so over-the-top, that they worked together.

Then came Alejandro. Alejandro's video was at odds with the song once more, but this time the song itself was a somewhat sweet ballad about summer love... with three men. But still, summer love. The music was upbeat and optimistic, which is why Gags recreated the bra dance sequence she performed in Telephone, sang in front of a dark, dank backdrop, and generally looked moody and creepy. If the song had been "Dance in the Dark" or one of her genuinely off-beat tracks, this would've been all well and good. Against a relatively simple song melody like Alejandro, however, this seemed like a complete disconnect between music and video. It was, at the time, by far her weakest effort- and for a performer who pushes herself off the back of her creative output, that was a big blow.

As you can see above, Born This Way does much the same as telephone. Out goes the stalag camp of Alejandro, but the bra dancing is retained and lengthened, while the intro goes absolutely nowhere and leads only to one or two shots of Gaga giving birth to clones. There's some stuff with her and a male dancer grinding on each other while they have skeleton face-paint on, and at one point she fires a machine-gun leg lifted straight from Robert Rodriguez's Grindhouse movie. So her videos have become tame, that's all very well and good. A tame Gaga song is still leagues ahead of the wildest thing Pink could dream up, right? Well yes, that's true, but at the same time let's just point out again that the song is about empowerment.

We're meant to be seeing a display of gay-power so strong and terrifying that the US Government will immediately drop any remaining homophobic policies as they run screaming from the mob of bears and twinks led by their platinum-headed Goddess Gags. Considering we're meant to be seeing a video which is abotu empowerment, why has Gaga instead decided that a better tactic for her video would be to blather on about some kind of dull alien story when she could instead be directly addressing what her song is about... What's the point of shying away from her own song in order to hide in genre and alien cloning stories. It seems like a massively wasted opportunity. Instead, we here at Wilftonville believe that the new video should have gone something like this:

Now you're scared, right? NOTHING CAN STOP THE FORCES OF GAY. Maybe someone needs to reign Gags in a bit more, so she can start leading her audiences astray again.

The Tricks of Mr Toad!

He was a merry old soul, a delighted child, a young man of life,
Then turned his hopes into dreams, dreams into strife!
Once upon a winter he saw the shining mobile,
Which, alas, he forthwith decided to steal!
He hopped in the seat and tenderly started the ignition,
And the fruits of his trickery came to fruition!
He rode off in his chariot and whooped and hurrahed,
For he was the King of the World, Man of the Car!
He drove round in circles at such a great pace,
The police, catching sight, deigned to give chase!

Meanwhile back at the house, wise old Badger thundered,
Because Ratty (not Mole, for once) had blundered!
Tricked once again by Mr Toad Esquire,
Who had proved himself a first class liar!
As Ratty ummed and ahhed and chased after Toad,
Little did he know, he should’ve checked the road!
Instead he checked the riverbanks, the water around,
But of wily Mr Toad, there was made no sound!
Looking at Mole, who he knew had no inkling…
He suddenly heard the sound of ten sirens twinkling!


Lying on a heap, crashed out in a tree,
Mr Toad was a picture of misery.
He was taken to court and tried thereafter,
And sentenced away to the sound of laughter.
He winced when he heard the judge slam his hammer,
“Twenty years of solitary life in the slammer!”
And now there he sits, alone and shut out,
But you can bet on this thought, no doubt.
If ever a man could escape from this load…
Then that man was clever old Mr Toad!

Ten Other Comics Waiting for an XXX Porn Adaptation

Apparently if you put the words “an xxx porn parody” after something, you aren’t infringing any copyrights whatsoever. That is, according to the porn industry, which has recently made films as diverse as “Seinfeld: An XXX Parody” to “The Office: An XXX Parody” (sadly, no Ricky Gervais cameo) in an attempt to fight back against the evil anonymous force of the internet, which has stolen all their viewers. The most recent properties to be ‘flattered’ with a porn parody have all been comic-books, however, which is odd and interesting and also really weird. There has been a Batman one, a Superman one, and next on the list will be an Incredible Hulk one. Which, that’s a terrifying thought if they’re hoping to put that onto the big screen.

Well, we here at Wilftonville have never been afraid to help an underdog, so we’ve picked out ten other comics we think could make for bestselling porn films. You’re welcome, porn industry! Now, try to stop exploiting and degrading women so often, yeah?

1. Fables

Fables takes all the most well-known fairytale characters and sets them in contemporary New York, living as a community. Characters like Prince Charming, Rapunzel and Pinocchio all live in the same area, with Cinderella running the local shoe shop. Obviously! The series sees the characters try to keep their community safe from the outside world, whilst bickering and getting into scrapes with each other. This isn’t for kids, either – there’s regular violence and swearing. Goldilocks, in particular, has a fierce potty mouth. The series would be great for porn because the main relationship is between Snow White and Bigby Wolf (the Big Bad Wolf, now in human form). The porn industry has forgotten its roots – weirdos. Get a guy to wear a wolf costume, get a girl to put on a princess gown, and watch as the hits rack up from disturbing people who live near zoos and enjoy walking in forests. “Furries” are out there, I’ve read the Wikipedia page about them. Appeal to that market, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time, porn industry!

2. Doctor Doom

Marvel and DC comics have both experimented before with letting their villains take centre stage, with Dark Reign and the One Year Gap respectively. Both times, this proved to be a success, as comic-book fans like the villains just as much (if not more, sometimes) than the heroes. And who is more popular a villain than Doctor Doom? One of the worries with porn is that men will turn off if the male lead looks either too handsome, not handsome enough, or the wrong race (hey, I’m just repeating what the market research said). Doctor Doom wears a mask. PROBLEM SOLVED! The paranoid, bisexual, and racist demographics all sync into perfect harmony!

3. Tamara Drew

Basically already been done, this. Heyyyyyyyyy, Gemma Arterton!

4. The Invisibles

See, the only people who will find this idea funny are people who have read The Invisibles. We’re narrowing down our demographic! Seriously, though, google up images of the team of look them up on Wikipedia. This would make for a terrifying porno.

5. The Flash

See, I’m getting things back on track with a joke everyone can understand. The sex scenes… would not last long.

6. Phonogram

A series set in Britain, Phonogram centres on a re-evaluation of the Brit-Pop scene of the nineties, with a main character who spends several issues trying to work out the appeal of bands like Echobelly and hanging around in clubs where he might meet female Manic Street Preachers fans. If the XXX parody wants to stay close to the original, it’s best that it all be filmed in black and white, and feature a scene in which Damon Albarn looks on in nonchalant disinterest as the reanimated spirit of Britannia gets it on with a coked-up Kenickie fan. We imagine this would be a very popular film with hipsters and readers of The AV Club.

7. Hellboy

Never mind that the three main males are a big red demon, a fish creature, and the ghostly essence of Johann Kraus, and the main female character is unable to control her ability to light herself on fire. I’m sure we could invent some supporting characters who can have sex in-between scenes of Hellboy shooting monsters and chain-smoking.

8. The Walking Dead

Could be gross. Don’t get carried away, scriptwriters.

9. Animal Man

As the film goes on, the main character becomes more and more aware of the fact that he is in a porn film, and eventually tries to escape through the television screen.

10. Anything by Garth Ennis or Mark Millar

Why have an XXX parody where all the sex is consensual?

Life of the Poet

Drawn and co-written by the lovely Fionnuala Doran, here's a cartoon that I think many of us creative types can associate with.

Rejected Dr Who Villains

Although an exceptional font of camp, filled with mad characters, poor sets, odd acting and illogical plot twists, Doctor Who prevailed. Until it was cancelled by a BBC who could no longer handle Sylvester McCoy's insatiable appetite for blood. When the series returned this decade after years of limbo, it was streamlined. The show was sharper, stronger, with less time for idiocy. The villains had to seem powerful and terrifying, and create complex metaphorical allegories which illuminate the way our society attempts to run itself.

But eventually Russell T Davies ran out of ideas and starting throwing any old bollocks at the wall to see how much garbage he could get past the audience. If it weren't for the strength of character possessed by his producers, we would've seen some truly awful creations appearing on our television screen to fight David Tennant. The producers hoped that no website peddling barely-read cultural content to a largely disinterested fanbase of four people would EVER find out about these plans. Well bad luck, producers! Because Wilftonville have found out everything!

For the first time, we can serialise the release of some of the most bizarre creations to ever come from the mind of a human. These are the REJECTED Doctor Who villains...!

#1 Bi-Mop

Bi-Mop is a filthy, noodle-ridden rag which attained sentience after The Doctor's attack on the Daleks radiated a nearby planet filled with kitchen cleaning appliances. Incensed by this enforced life he has been given, the Bi-Mop can grow several extra heads whenever it wants, each of which hates the Doctor but has a different accent. The normal head speaks with a German inflection, while the other heads are Italian, Belgian, Russian, Cuban and Canadian. Bi-Mop LOVES listening to Scissor Sisters and delivering long-winded monologues. He has a computer on which he constantly plays footage of the most prominent news channels on Earth, all of which are hosted by stern African-American women.

Bi-Mop isn't strictly gay, but he does have a boyfriend who is human.

You Monster! Why Joss Whedon Kills.... Kill #11

He Killed Lindsay…!


Who Was He?

Lindsay Surname was a bizarrely long-running character on the show Angel, appearing in the first episode and sporadically returning every few months or so. Whilst a major character for seasons one and two, he vanished for large chunks of time afterwards and only reappeared a few times. Come the final season, however, Lindsay once again became a recurring character, appearing as one of the midway villains before being banished to Hell. Which, that happens quite often in Joss Whedon shows, so there was nothing to suggest that this wouldn’t be the end of the Cowboy Lawyer. Then, as a last-minute surprise, Lindsay returned and was recruited to help the heroes defeat the final villains. His morality switched one last time, and he became a hero for a while.


How Did He Die?

Well, then he got shot. After dispatching his allocated group of villains, he turned round to the one last happy character on the show – Lorne – and decided he was finally going to choose a side, and that side was going to be ‘good’. So then Lorne shot him, mortally wounding the guy and leaving him there to die in the room with all the other villains. Before dying, Lindsay expressed severe surprise that he was being killed by a “flunky” instead of Angel himself, and couldn’t believe that his existence didn’t factor into Angel’s plans whatsoever. Instead of being an important character in Angel’s life-story, Lindsay realised that he would get nothing more than a short footnote in the back of one of the indexes, and would soon be forgotten about entirely.

Lindsay is the first character we’re featuring in this list who was for the most part a villain, and he’s getting this honour for a very specific reason. Read on, fine fellows!


Why Did He Die?

Lindsay’s death occurred in the same episode as Wesley’s death – he was the last major character to die in the series proper. Although, we hear that some strange things have been happening in the comic series, but that’s not important because the comics haven’t been great and we don’t approve of 'canon' jumping across creative mediums. So it wasn’t to make the series finale more dramatic, because we’ve already got the death of a character who the audiences had been familiar with for about five-six years.

Instead, Lindsay’s death came about because Joss Whedon’s vision had become increasingly bleak by this point in time. Sarah Michelle Gellar, his muse for Buffy, had decided to stop doing the show in order to star in a series of unexceptional horror films; while his other show Firefly had just been cancelled after a season full of behind-the-scenes editorialising by idiot executives. Angel was cancelled despite a rise in viewing figures, and Joss was left with no television shows where once he had three simultaneously. In short, Joss’ creativity had been snuffed out for the time being, and he was blocked from doing anything. As a result the final season of Angel became darker and darker as it went along, which made for great television but also meant that the show had no more room for the ideas of lightness, or darkness.

There’s a line in season 4 of Buffy which says something along the lines of “there is no black or white. Only shades of grey.” That became true for much of Joss’ work, and many characters – even Buffy – stopped being a force for good but instead became part of a morally ambiguous universe where anyone can be snuffed out at any moment. Do you start to see the comparison we’re making? The characters represent Joss’ creativity. So as Joss can be stopped by the executives, so the characters can be stopped by Joss. Lindsay’s death did not affect Lindsay – he got a good final line, but it was an afterthought more than anything. The importance of his death was how it affected Lorne. Lorne, the sole remaining positive character after Fred was killed off, had the burden of handling most of the show’s humour for the final few episodes, but instead of being funny for the sake of making people happy, he started to make jokes to mask his own despair.

The act of killing someone – something Lorne had never done before – was shocking, because it marked the final breakdown of one of the most popular characters. In turn, it allowed Joss to showcase his world-view to the audience one last time. There was no black in his show. But then, by the end, there was no white. Even the most wholesome character could be corrupted, and Lorne’s defeat was the most painful moment of the episode. Lindsay’s death did more to help the villains than anything he did while he was alive.


Joss, You Monster! Rating: 9. We’re sorry you lost your shows, Joss! But you could always try to make a film?

Podcast à la mode #2

The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Run By Ben Acker and Ben Blacker

Are you a fan of *listening* to things? Have you ever considered the fun that could come from listening to something which is in turn trying to be *appealing* to you? Then in that case we'll have to suggest that The Thrilling Adventure Hour is the kind of thing which is going to both appeal to you and listen to you. Although it won't listen to you, and you may find it unappealing. Based on a performance show created by the duo of Bens Acker & Blacker (and they say God isn't looking down on all of us, grouping us as he deems entertaining?), this is a new podcast which is still finding feet and legs but, in fact, does not need a new voice. For it already has one.

The central conceit is that of a radio play, the sort of play which people listened to in the 1950s, the sort of play that features fantastical adventures, the sort of fantastical adventures which have pirates and aliens and robots, the sorts of robots that are made of metal. A group of actors are given the script for the play and read it out, making fun of the stereotypes of old-timey music hall. The show is notable for featuring several prominent Californian comedians such as Chris Hardwick and Paul F. Tompkins. Also appearing are many former Buffy The Vampire Slayer cast-members, brought in by recurring players Tom Lenk and Danny Strong. Amber Benson, Nathan Fillion, and Adam Busch have all appeared as performers on the show.


What Happens in This Podcast?

Is this making much sense so far? We expect so! There's only one person here, typing into his computer while eating fish fingers and sobbing. The Thrilling Adventure Hour Podcast has only been going proper since January 1st, although there are also several small bitlets which suggest they've spent a fair bit of time working out the kinks of podcasting. Three episodes have been posted so far, all of which focusing on about twenty-minute long comedic stories set in the 1950s style. The podcasters have started with their most well-known stories, which means Paul F Tompkins and... is it Autumn Reeser? Appear in the first episode, in which they play drunk ghost-hunters. The second episode features the legendary Sparks Nevada, a cowboy who lives on Mars. And most recently, episode 3 features a guest appearance from Nathan Fillion.

Each episode fades in and out of the live performance, giving one twenty-minute long skit without any edits in the middle. The podcast is FAMILY FRIENDLY! If you are a family, the podcast will act towards you in a friendly and courteous manner. Everyone else can piss off and eat crap. Only joking! The podcast will not forcibly make you digest your own digested excrement. Oh dear, we've gone onto a difficult tangent here and got lost.


We Recommend This Podcast!

If you listen to this podcast, expect fun songs and silly banter, as well as some great improvisation. This podcast may only be twenty minutes scant, but those twenty minutes are as entertaining as watching Diana Vickers eat a hot sausage.

Should American Heroes Be American?

The list of American heroes is long and filled with people whose names resonate across the very fabric of time and space. From Spider-Man to Green Lantern, from Jack Bauer to House, they are all.... well, you get the idea. None of America's biggest heroes are actually played by Americans. Spider-Man and Batman are British, Green Lantern is Canadian or something, and even President Obama is secretly from Africa (but don't tell anyone). Why are so few Americans being given American parts? Why are they forced to take on roles like Sherlock Holmes if they want to play an iconic role? American jobs for American people! British jobs for British people.

Superman is not American. It's well-known that he comes from the Marlonbrandoverse, a dark place where everyone talks with their mouth full and you can't quite tell what's happening but everyone seems reverential. Well... really he's from outer space, but then again so was Marlon Brando. So the appointment of a British guy as Superman isn't a bad thing at all. The problem here, which fans have not really pointed out yet, is that Clark Kent - Superman's racist alter-ego - *is* American. While Superman presumably speaks like a Mafia don, Clark Kent is designed to be a steretypical human and so bumbles, stumbles, and indeed mumbles his way through life. With an American accent. Superman sounds like an overrated actor, while Clark Kent sounds American. This is how it has always been.

So why haven't the studios cast an American to play Clark Kent? Well, for one thing, the most iconic thing about Superman is how pathetic his disguise is. A single pair of glasses and a tie immediately stop the most recognisable face on the planet from being, well, recognised. If suddenly Superman started to display even a small amount of self-awareness regarding disguising himself, it would be declared out-of-character and comic fans worldwide would stampede. For another thing, American actors should be glad that they're finally starting to escape typecasting.

Spider-Man, Clark Kent - these very American heroes all have one thing in common: they're idiots. Peter Parker spends all his time pining after a woman who is IN LOVE WITH SPIDER-MAN. There's an easy way to reconcile that, Peter, if you just stop and think about it for a few minutes. Likewise, Wolverine is a grumpy bugger with no sense of personal space, while Green Lantern Hal Jordan is a chauvinist. Let's look at these characteristics: loser, misanthrope, misogynistic, paranoid, pessimistic. Are these the characteristics of an American, or of a British person?

Superheroes are a lot like stand-up comedians. While they look awesome when they're performing, they are often broken hollow shells of a person, mental and rabid. Why would any American actor want to do that, when British people have been playing mental and rabid characters FOR YEARS? Alan Rickman should've been Batman. Sean Bean could've been Captain America. Heck, who could be a more perfect Wonder Woman than Helen Mirren? British people have been typecast as villains for too long. It's only fair that now we get to portray dumb, unlikeable, self-serving superheroes like Mr Fantastic.

Capital FM is Attempting To Destroy Yorkshire

Sometimes I write articles which everyone can enjoy. Sometimes I write them for an audience of about seven people. Luckily, seven people makes up the majority of the readership of Wilftonville, so it doesn’t matter too much when I write about a radio station exclusive only to certain parts of England. Capital FM is one of the most popular commercial radio stations in England, based in London. The station is probably a little less popular than Classical FM, but I haven’t done any research as per tradition so that’s all guesswork and hear’ say. It’s pure and simple that Capital FM, one of the most popular non-BBC stations in Britain, should expand their reach and attempt to appeal to other parts of the country. Nation. Whatever England is.

Capital FM used to only be received in London, you see, while Yorkshire has its own set of local radio stations which reference local events and don’t play the weather forecast because the weather forecast never changes in Yorkshire: it’s always raining. But as of 2011, things have changed.



As showcased in this advert featuring Rihanna (of “is it spelt Rhianna or Rihanna?” fame) and the Black Eyed Peas, Capital FM are moving their radio towers so they can cover the whole of our nation/country/colony. This is good news for all of us who enjoy listening to Bruno Mars' extensive back-catalogue of songs, as they are played every ten minutes or so on the station, but what does it mean for the country as a whole? This must be a good thing, right? More choice?

Well no, as you may have surmised from the title of this article. I believe strongly that Capital FM are attempting to ruin Yorkshire forever. And now to explain myself!!!!

Looking through the Capital FM playlist, it’s notable (as anything is notable if you own a notepad, I suppose) to note (with your notepad, remember) that there are no performers there from the North of the country. There’s no Kaiser Chiefs. Or Corinne-Bailey Rae. Instead we have Olly Murs and Adele and there’s not even any Diana Vickers on there. To explain this for anyone from ‘not the UK’ who is still inexplicably reading this blog which surely makes no sense to them, every single artist on the Capital FM playlist is either from London or America. Every. Single. One.

So logically, it must be seen that as the NSDAP systematically ruled out the existence of all newspapers which were not NSDAP newspapers, or how FOX is one-by-one buying all the channels which opposes FOX, Capital FM are replacing all Yorkshire music with London music. Boring, grimy, London music. Why would anyone want to listen to music by people from London? What have they got to sing about – the high price or property, or the congestion charge? Yorkshire, Lancashire, even Liverpoolshire are places of natural beauty and unnatural lyricism. We are the counties where GREEN THINGS grow, where people go to escape London because it’s so boring. So why would we want to listen to London music while walking through the Lake District with a hot-pot in one hand and a can of Tetleys in the other?

Capital FM wants you to believe that Yorkshire doesn't exist. CONFOUND THEM by picking up your copy of Different Class (we know you own one) and play it loud. Play it proud. And then go get some Human League albums and pelt them at passers-by. Together we are going to change this. Someone call Morrissey! We're on the road to revolution!

Florence Welch's Guide To Culture

hi ,im Florence from Florence and the machine. i like to go to cultural fairs and learn from the magic womyn who make potteries and draw watercolours. When im not busy with all my projects such as Florence and the machine iI am a keen activist for such important cultural actives such as and including saving seals, helping fund canvases to struggling new york artisans, and buying tickets to the guggenheim for the homeless. As i know from my time being a fighter for art over crass comerciality there are many people out there who do not know about where they can go to find art and culture and be imaginative for making their minds expand with the knowledge of our forefathers and foremothyers. When i am halfwayup a trek in the andes ,i think about these people such as these and Iii feel so sad that the outdoors are not accessible to everyone. So i have been asked by my friend and guru in matters of life and forelife and afterlife and preternatural Spanish dancing called steve to help his followers on wilftonville to broaden they’re horizons and clean themselves from culture and immerse themselves in cultyre.

1.
hey xxx have you ever been underwater?? there is not only a new world under there, but like in the Disney movie whichi have memorised to heart there are mermaids with tridents. i want to be a mermaid!iI would spend my time underwater looking at fascinating coral and learning about the history of starfish. if the starfish could talk back to me, that would be haven.

2.
when I can’t think of songs like my album track girl with/1 eye I relax with some bikram yoga performed on the roof of a mosque. the culture of the mosque people is so interesting to me ,I find that everytime t visit their place of worship there are new things to discover and enjoy. Walk in to yours sometime and try to comprehend the vastness of their belief system ,t donot book before i go in but wear a sarong so they will appreciate my effortsto blend in.

3.
fashion is a passion of mine which is obvious to all who have been seeing me on the streets of new york or paris in italy. i have found a shop which sells only tropical outfits designed by children and it is so sweet! They have smiles on they’re faces every time i walk in and order some coconuts anklets. it is an easy shop to find if you live near to martime fiji, which is my favourite place to go and realign my zen when I think the paparazzia are attacking me and my friends with their soul-stealers (cameras(

4.
bonjour is the local language of my favorite country which is of course alcase lorraine where they make cowbells that ring with passion. my next album is going to get rid of the harpsichord and replace it with organice cowbells and mushroom triangles, iam a firm belieber that we must respect and revere our livestock for they are humans too, eventhough they do not look like it. If i have 1 message to share with you all, machinists and fans of my spirituality, then it would be that you should go to paris and admire the pigs

5.
finally, and this is for the moment but i have to go and sunbathe in the ultraviolet glow of a pygmy sanctum in north waleshire, i recommend going to los angeles, where they have such amusing sights as people drawing characterisations of your face, usinga pen and sometimes a paintbrush. it always astonishes me how people can take art and make it into something that is less than art, but still art, and that makes it feel like it is more than art!! hehe that is obviously a joke, don’t take it seriously you guys. if you see some1 taking art from you and making into morethanart, please call me!! hehe love you all lots flo xx

How Does The Offside Rule Work?

Ladies and gentlewomen, I come from the internet but also from a place called Wakefield, which is in Yorkshire, which is in England, which is in the British Isles, which is in America. It is a rough mining town, where children are forced to go up chimneys from an early age. Not because we wish for them to become sweeps, you understand, but because children should be heard screaming loudly for rescue and not seen. The only respite anyone gets from the daily bouts of crying and scratching out bits of coal which have embedded themselves in our skin is the thrill of football.

No no, not American football! Because that isn't a real sport. We're talking about actual football, soccer, english rules, which is only marginally more of a real sport than American football and ranks somewhere below skateboarding and intermediate darts in terms of high-brow cultural gatherings. The sport sees twenty-two people of undetermined intelligence kick a round spherical ball at each other until it eventually lands inside an area called "the goal". Every time it lands in the goal of the opposing team, you win one point. As this is quite a difficult thing to do when there are eleven people opposing you, the makers of the game decided to be generous and give people 90 minutes in which to attempt the kicking of the ball into the goal. And that's basically what football is.

The one thing that makes football stand out from the sporting crowd is The Offside Rule. This is a rule which has gone down in infamy for centuries as impossible to understand for anyone without a Y chromosome, and also for people who have one of said chromos. It is a complex and complicated rule, which varies and changes in accordance to the smallest of universal alterations. If someone in the crowd eats a hot dog, the rule works one way. If that same person chose to eat a pie instead, then a completely different application for the rule comes into place. The slightest change in the colossal picture of mankind has a dramatic effect upon The Offside Rule. BUT! Fear ye nay, as I am not only speaking in the style of an 1840's peasant but I am also about to explain The Offside Rule for you. It will improve your life!


If there are twelve people on your team you are not playing football correctly eliminate one person from your team The Offside Rule equals the movement of players across the field of play in accordance to the positioning of the ulterior tactics of the opposing teams who must remain in position unless told to cross themselves by their manager when the linesman sees players moving in the incorrect fashion he is allowed to lift his flag and claim for foul play, at which point a free kick is offered freely to a willing player from the other team if the goalkeeper is at the halfway line this will greatly diminish his ability to stop goals from being scored when the ball is kicked across field towards the goal there must be a player stood looking at te ball while facing forwards at the opponent's goal and if he is not there but a striker for the first team is there then a free kick is offered as punishment for this is not how football should be played however if none of your team are stood in your half of the pitch then anything goes and chaos will reign if there are three people stood between the person using the ball and the goalkeeper then everything is fine unless two of the defending players have previously moved to be ahead of this person but standing behind him, at which point the referee must make sure that a free kick is offered because this is a violation of The Offside Rule.

Do you morons get it yet??

Website Push

You spend all your time on Wilftonville. That's cool. We accept and appreciate your devotion to our brand of blasphemy. But y'know guys, there's plenty of other great websites out there which you might like from time to time. Have you ever considered visiting The Daily Bunny, for example? It showcases a different rabbit every day. It's more or less a load of photos of rabbits. But! What more might you ever want to see? Rabbits are cool. Everyone enjoys a rabbit. And also, rabbits means the animals and not the sexual aid. DO NOT GET THEM CONFUSED

This is what a bunny rabbit looks like.

And this is a link to The Daily Bunny. http://dailybunny.org/

You may be a big gruff manly man bear man, with a beard and uncut fingernails crusted with soil and dust from where you've been working in the woods where you live in a log cabin you built yourself which has a satellite ariel which only picks up feeds of rugby matches and Australian rules football. That doesn't matter! You will enjoy these bunny rabbits anyway. Everyone will enjoy this. If you do not enjoy it -- please post a complaint below and I will attempt to address your flaws as a human. Thank you veddy much.

Why I Don't Believe In Mermaids Anymore

Mermaids are poorly conceived. The top half of these mythological creatures is human, but they choose to live underwater. While this makes sense when you take into account their fishy lower quarters, mermaids do not have gills. They have a human top half, presumably including a working pair of lungs and the capacity to take in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide. At no point is there the capacity to breathe underwater. Animals which don't need air generally have gills instead, a system which allows them to filter through water for molecules they can process and keep them breathing. Mermaids, on the other half, hang out on rocks and then go home to their underwater lairs. It has never been explained how they can do this without drowning.

If we accept that mermaids can live underwater, let's look at their choice of homeland. They live in giant castles on the sea bed. While the principle of anchoring your home to the ground is academically proven to be the best way to make sure your home doesn't fall off something, that only applies to homes above sea-level. On 'land', there is a force called gravity which pushes downwards. The ground is constantly being kept in place by this force, so therefore a house built on the ground will not wobble around. There are no such guarantees for houses underwater. The sea bed is made of sand, and the weakened gravity that comes from not being above land means there is nothing to hold your house in place. Have you, dear reader, heard of the phenomenon known as "waves"? It basically refers to how water moves around because of the gravitational pull of things like the Moon on our planet. This water movement would knock down any floating house you can build. Despite your house being built on what initially appeared to be solid ground, things would soon prove dangerous as the tides not only push your house but also make the sea bed ripple and buckle.

So we have established that mermaids cannot breathe underwater, nor build lasting homes there. What else do mermaids need to do in order to exist? Oh yes, EAT THINGS. The proportions of a mermaid make them half human and half fish, so they can eat as much food as a person can and excrete as much food as a fish can. Which is to say, eat a lot of food and then get rid of barely any of it. So any mermaids who are not drowning or being crushed in their own houses are imploding due to an improper digestive system. This would obviously look gross, because they'd explode and then their bits would float about in the same place, until some sharks came past and ate them.

Mermaids would need to be fast. The underwater has reduced gravity - this has already been established. How would they hunt unless they used nets? Trident-throwing is impossible underwater. Have you ever attempted it? They don't move anywhere. So mermaids would have to do all their hunting by chasing fish into nets, liek sheepdogs herding sheep into a pen. Their diets would also contain a heightened level of omega 3, which is good for people in doses but lethal in high amounts. So we have mermaids drowning, being crushed, exploding and vomiting up their organs. Which, again, would be gross underwater.

And that's without even considering the threats of sharks, poisoned fish, or ghost-pirates. Mermaids, if they did ever live on our planet, would have died out within a day of existence. And that's why I don't believe in them anymore. They all died.

Seven Great Places To Hide The Body

So you've made a bit of a mistake. The whore who was in the middle of dumping you suddenly tripped into mid-calibre seven bullets and got them stuck in her upper-right temple, and now her head is scattered across the floor of your breakfast room. Don't panic, man! Recently-released statistics reveal that over 46% of men will at one point have to deal with the trauma of accidentally killing that cheating bitch you thought was ready to settle down and move to the country. So you're not alone!

Wilftonville empathises with your plight. It's not easy to witness slut-brain spatter over the freshly-wallpapered apartment you just moved into and haven't paid off the final rent on. While we can only advise that you pour salt onto any patches of carpet which are soaked in claret, and dap with a wet cloth, we can offer much more advice when it comes to dumping the body. Why should your life have to end because you ended the life of that hooker? Jail is for criminals, not victims of emotional abuse, after all! Here are ten options for where you could smuggle the body, and expect it to never be seen again.


1. Uganda

If you've ever been to Uganda, then 1: I am amazed you made it out alive and 2: you'll have noticed that it is currently a barren landscape filled with the corpses of the poor. If you have a private plane, then it's simplicity itself to pack up the body in a roll of carpet and fly across to the other continent. Nobody will notice the one extra body, lying spreadeagled in a dusty pit of bones and scorch marks.


2. A Wheelie Bin

If you've seen any comedy-crime caper, you'll likely have witnessed a scene in which the protagonist has to throw a body off a bridge, so it lands perfectly onto a passing rubbish-barge sailing underneath. That is a nightmare of timing and precision, so it's far more convenient to simply take the body and stuff it into one of your recycling bins. Although the Government likes to make a song-and-dance about their commitment to the environment, binmen sure as hell don't check the bins to make sure all the papers and glass have been filtered seperately. In this scenario, you'll be relying on this inherent laziness to conceal the body. Nobody should look to see if there is a bloody arm hanging out the top of the bin (although you should attempt to hide this), and you'll be scot-free by the mid-afternoon.


3. Loch Ness

There is a monster living in Loch Ness. There's a relatively small lake and a giant monster. And nobody has managed to take anything other than a small fuzzy photo of it. Even if the monster doesn't eat the body for sustinence or kicks, it's a safe bet that the public won't find the body in that lake.


4. In the Middle of Your Lounge, During a Dinner Party

Dinner parties are an opportunity to show off your rare talent for subversive humour. Any guest heading to a dinner party are expecting a barrage of personality from the moment they come through the door to their final hesitant handshakes after midnight. What a superb chance to show your the new centrepiece of your household - an identical replica of your partner, albeit a replica which has had it's brains forcibly ejected via tiny metal shells. Nobody will think twice about the prop, which looks so lifelike and yet couldn't possibly be. No, of course not, there's no way that you'd be so bold as to kill your partner and then leave her body lying out in the open where everyone could see her.

Reverse psychology plays an important part in this scheme.


5. The Chinese Embassy

It will be difficult to make your way into the Chinese Embassy, which by all accounts has an alarm system on the windows and no other form of security. If you do trip the alarm, agents with guns will arrive within a tensely-plotted minute, so you'll have to be careful. For the most part, however, the poor lighting will keep you safe and hidden. If possible, recruit an internally-tortured MI5 agent who may well have had a former life as a foreign terrorist.


6. A Cannon Inside A Magical Painting of a Water-Spider

You can angle one of the cannons in Wet Dry World so Mario bounces off the invisible border around the edge of the level, hits the ground, and slides back into the cannon. This creates an endless loop of cannon-based Mario corpse shooting. Apply this principle to your deceased ex, and watch as hilarity ensues!


7. Inside Chris Langham's Career

We don't mean to be rude. But nobody would ever find it here.