A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In A Way Pleasing To Men

Part 2: Personal Health.


A true Damsel would want to try and keep in shape, so that when grabbed by a knight on horseback and carried off into the sunset she does not weigh him down to one side and cause the poor horse to collapse. Opposition to animal cruelty is almost always seen as a plus in the eyes of a potential suitor, unless you live in the countryside. Also, nobody likes fat people. Repeat this mantra out loud: nobody likes fat people. It is imperative, then, that you keep yourself looking trim, slim, and stunnin’. Rest assured, if you all make the effort now then the men-folk will have no choice but to follow you and slim down themselves. To do this, health and fitness obviously have to play a bigger role in your life, but there are oh-so many pursuits which are available to you that it may seem like a struggle to find one which is right for you! And furthermore, if a Damsel takes on too much fitness at once, she may find herself growing muscles. This is a bad sign, because it means that you will be able to look after yourself if you are ever mugged or in a fight – when this is meant to be the job of the man. Oh dear! This would defeat the purpose of becoming a damsel in the first place.

Now girls, let’s get this out of the way now, so we don’t trip over it later: men were designed to be stronger than women. Not mentally, but physically. That’s the reason why male tennis players best of five when they get to the big tournaments, and women play best of three. Also, tradition. Also, ingrained prejudice. But really, the main reason is that men tend to have more stamina and physicality than you do. You can chalk this down to evolution or divine creation, whatever floats your boat, but the reason is so each gender can assume a different role: the knight and the damsel in distress. If you’ve ever seen Shrek, you’ll know that these roles can be reversed, but it takes quite some doing. The aim of this chapter is not to try and emulate Shrek’s success, but instead to give you solid advice about what sports you are best off attempting – and which sports will get you nowhere fast.

First though, let’s talk general fitness, and whereabouts you should be aiming for. There is nothing wrong with a curvy woman, and it’s often said that the women in magazines (not magazines like Bella, obviously, because they’re all mad and gossip-prone) are too skinny and models are stick-thin waifs who would blow away in a stiff breeze. Men agree with this! We don’t understand why women are so keen to shrink themselves down to wafer-proportions, because at the end of the day a wafer isn’t going to be able to help carry a drunk partner home from the pub. Or take part in the more creative parts of the karma sutra. It’s no secret than the male body in not exactly a temple apart from in a few isolated cases (damn you, David Beckham) and men tend to get worse looking with age. Hair falls out, fitness declines, beer-bellies develop. And it is thus that a compromise must be offered. Women! We don’t expect you to throw up after every meal just to stay thin! Just make sure that you aren’t fat. No more worrying about your figure, unless you legitimately struggle to fit in a deckchair. If you break deckchairs, you have a problem. Otherwise, just keep healthy and happy! And with that, let’s see what sports are right for you:


Women Sports:

Swimming

Swimming is a great way to exercise, as every different stroke exercises all the body at the same time, unless your preferred means of aquatic transportation is the “semi-drown”. Otherwise, swimming is a perfectly healthy activity that a damsel can take part in. However, for reasons that will be defined below, it may be best not to begin with this particular sport, if you are at the very beginning of your training. The preferred article of clothing for a damsel in the pool is a full-body outfit which reveals no cleavage. Make him work for it, ladies!

Aerobics/Gymnastics

Aerobics and gymnastics exist only so that women can increase the number of ways in which they can bend. The activities are both highly strenuous, but they will pay off in the long term as they provide the body with a number of different ways to suggest availability. Most obviously, you will become supple enough to drop a pencil on the floor and pick it up with a modified version of the splits. This is the recommended fitness for all women to begin with, as it can be worked on from the comfort of their own home, and will allow you the opportunity to buy a workout DVD produced by your favourite D-List celebrities. (A culture section later on will discuss this D-List fascination further).

Tennis

Tennis is the best sport there is. It combines physicality and exercise with tactics and cunning, and is recommended to everyone. The further bonus is that all men find a woman dressed in tennis whites to be appealing, and the whiteness also encourages them to believe you are a pure damsel in need of rescuing. Make sure never to outplay another man, unless you are part of a doubles team (same-sex or mixed, it makes no difference). Screaming in orgasmic delight whenever you hit the ball is actively encouraged, as it will gain you some attention.

Pool

Nothing will impress a man in quite the same way as an ability to handle a set of balls, on a table. Pool is a sport which will never make you fit and healthy (it will most likely cause you to become an alcoholic, by past experience) but it will make you the star of your local pub. Of course, a damsel would never go to a pub, which makes this sport somewhat of a paradox for womankind.

Cycling

Britain always seems to win a lot of medals in the cycling competitions during the Olympics. It never hurts to dream, girls!

Ice Skating

Men are always drawn to the art of ice-skating, but because of our lop-sided nature find that perfecting this noble skill is ruddy impossible. As a result, it is always appreciated when women know how to skate and are willing to prop up a flailing male as they go round in concentric circles for a set period of time. Any woman who can ice skate will immediately distinguish herself at an ice-rink, also, so it would be a great place to meet new chaps. However, it has recently been discovered that unruly youths have taken to this sport like a duck takes to a frozen pond, so it should be noted that most men you will meet at an ice-rink will be unsuitable knights (see later chapters for more details on this phenomenon). Ice skating remains an impressive sport, though, and also it lets you wear shoes with razors on them, which is pretty cool.

Rallying

Picture the scene: your knight has staggered out of a business lunch and realises with fright that he has had a few drinks too many and can’t drive his car. What’s a boy to do? Well, if he has a girl who is proficient with a handbrake, he can call her and ask for help. And just imagine how grateful he’ll be (if he remembers)!


Sports To Avoid:

Rugby

A brutal sport, rugby stands for everything which a damsel should abhor. Running, sweating, mud, contact with other people: it’s a nightmare of the grandest proportions. Add to this that rugby is meant to be played by fat people, and you have yourself a sport which no woman should ever admire or take any part in (unless you have a particular fetish for posh men in shorts).

Weight Lifting/Body Building/Boxing/Shot Put

Remember the mantra: “nobody likes fat people.”

Football

Football is just awful. It’s awful. And besides, all the men who play football all seem to be racists and GBH-culprits in waiting, so what’s the point? It’s a stupid sport played by losers. And the fans? Wow, the fans are the most ignorant and prejudiced bunch of oiks you’ll ever see. No man who puts football first is going to turn out to be an emotionally available and loving boyfriend. No, because they’ll be going off once or twice every week to see some men in coloured shirts which somehow links them to a certain town play a match against a bunch of other men (who are quite often foreign, so what’s the point of making them part of an English team and saying they’re a part of the squad?) for a long period of time in awful conditions and what’s the point? Seriously, what’s the point? What an awful sport.

Golf

Golf is for only for drunk businessmen and the elderly.

Hockey

When a woman comes of age, she is taught to play hockey by her teachers and sent into the field to serve her country. As an incentive, she is given a large stick to brandish and frighten the opposition. Sadly, most men already find women to be terrifying enough without them also being equipped with cudgels, so it’s probably best that you leave the stick at home and don’t bother with hockey. This sport does tie-in with ice skating to form ice-hockey, which is even more heinous than this. Hockey isn’t a “banned” sport; more an “advised against” one.

Darts

As with pool, darts is a game only ever played in pubs. But at least pool has the self-respect to have specialist halls for professionals to play the game at tournament level. Darts tournaments always seem to be held at the local. On top of this, the only people who will admire your feminine ways while you play darts are fat blokes with curry stains on their shirt. And let’s repeat that mantra one more time, shall we? Nobody likes fat people!


Now you’ve decided upon a set of sports to play, the next step in keeping healthy is to make sure that your diet is spectacular and svelte. To do this, we’ll have to move forwards a chapter…

The Wilftonville Christmas Appeal

With Christmas just round the corner now, it’s time for us to think not of ourselves, or of any religious iconography whatsoever, but instead of others. Unless those others are involved in religious iconography, as previously stated. Yes, it’s time for The Annual Wilftonville Christmas Appeal.

Blue Peter does not have a monopoly on these things.

This Christmas, you may be sat round the Christmas tree with your family, opening presents and laughing. But for some children, that laughter never comes, because they are dying of starvation. In countries less well off than our own (Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Scotland), people are starving right now and it’s something that we feel is no longer acceptable. Not in this big, shining globe of hope which Barack Obama is due to start ruling soon, surely? To think that in some places there are people who will not be able to cut into a Christmas Turkey/Hannukah Goose/Buddhist whateverthehell Buddhists are allowed to eat; because they don’t have one. How horrendous the World can be sometimes.

And you, you’re laughing so much at your Christmas joy. Can’t you spend a moment on spreading it to other people? Would that be so difficult? All we ask at Wilftonville is that you send us the dessicated remains of your pets once they die. Now, it’s never easy to lose a pet, especially one which you are close to – but does that really excuse that fact that around the world, millions of pets are buried once they die? That’s millions of potential meals for starving people, given to the underground creatures instead of the humans who need them.

Have you ever seen the underground creatures? They are hideous. You shouldn’t keep feeding them.

To take part in The Wilftonville Annual Appeal, please wait until your beloved pet dies a natural death and then post the corpse to us so that we can forward it to a starving boy in North Australia (near Cairns, the ‘third world’ of Oz). With your help, we can make a difference to so many people - especially if you keep pet cows.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

The Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices of KFC

KFC think that their delicious chicken is due to a secret recipe they have that they can mix together to make the food tastes so nice, and that nobody else will ever make such delicious chickens as them because nobody can replicate it. They’re so proud of this fact that they stick it on the side of all their packaging, in big bold type. Because, you see, nobody will ever figure out what the eleven herbs and spices could ever be. People, presumably scientists and cooks, read this packaging and see the logo, and they think “oh, well if these herbs and spices are SECRET, then we’ll never find it out, so what’s the point in trying to?” It is thus that nobody has ever attempted to try and work out what the spices were.

Until now. Wilftonville sees this logo not as a statement, but as a challenge instead. There is only one thing that the KFC people didn’t think through when they put up the logo “made with eleven secret herbs and spices”, and this is that they have revealed exactly how many herbs and spices you need to mix together in order to replicate the KFC style. And one other thing that they haven’t thought through, so there are two things they haven’t thought through, is that there are only ten herbs and one spice that exist in the world, anyway. So their special recipe is really made up of these ten herbs and that one spice, so it’s easy to work out what the ingredients all are. The last thing they didn’t think through was that by mentioning there was a spice involved, they have played right into our hands.

Here are the eleven ingredients of KFC food. We put them up without any intent at making profit from it, but at the same time if you want to give us some money or cook us some chicken as a thank you, we’d accept it.

Herbs
1: Parsley (codename: The Lion)
2: Basil (codename: Brush)
3: Sage (codename: Tessa)
4: Onion ( codename: AV Club)
5: Lavender (codename: Diamond)
6: Rosemary (codename: Clooney)
7: Mint (codename: Card)
8: Dill : codename: Germany)
9: Banana (codename: The Velvet Underground and Nico)
10: Rocket (codename: Racer)

Spices
1: Pepper (codename: Percy)

How To Make Bird Soup

Bird Soup


Introduction – Faintly twee praise for Bird Soup

Bird Soup is a delicious and inpoisonous brew* that will serve 2-4 people, unless you live with vegetarians, in which case it will serve 1 person. If you yourself are a vegetarian, then you have come to the wrong website, commie. It is to be served fresh and hot, so that the taste is not damaged through storage. Bird Soup is unsuitable for cannibals of the human, alligator, or hyena variety. Birds are not naturally prone to cannibalism, but are advised that Bird Soup should be their first taste of their own race, were they ever to grow curious. All other forms of bird-related nourishment are inadequate and illegitimate,


Ingredients – What medicines go into Bird Soup

One Bird (deceased)
Salt
Pepper (large mill)
One handful of birdseed


Method – How Bird Soup gets made

Step 1:
Take a bowl.

Step 2:
This is the bowl where you will put your bird soup once it is cooked.

Step 3:
Have you got the bowl yet?

Step 4:
Unscrew the top of your window, but leave the pane in place.

Step 5:
Take the handful of birdseed and place it in your hand. If your hand is full, then you have collected enough birdseed for the recipe to continue without issue. Look out of your window upon yon garden of yours and hold up the hand which has a handful of birdseed in it (not the hand which has a handful of hand in it though, tee-hee!)

Step 6:
Wait until you see a bird in your garden, and quickly gain its affection and trust by giving it a few grains of the birdseed you have. You will no longer have a handful of birdseed after this step of the recipe, so if you fail you are advised to go back to step 5 and try again. Once the bird is duly won over by your gracious charm, start walking across the length of the window. The bird will follow you.

Step 7:
The bird is now mesmerised, so you should take steps away from the window. The bird will mirror your movements and step back from his or her side of the window accordingly.

Step 8:
Run quickly at the window but stop just before you hit it. The bird will imitate, but will not have the forewarning to stop before she or he hits the window (unless you come across a bird with the notional ability to read your mind. If this happens, head back to step 5). There will be a dull thud as the bird hits the window and then explodes, as is the natural instinct of all birds when faced with danger.

Step 9:
Pull the window out with the liquidated remains of bird and carry it through to your kitchen, and place it in a saucepan and allow to simmer on a high heat (bird blood is naturally resistant to heat and thus needs to be cooked at a higher temperature than human blood) for approximately eighteen minutes.

Step 10:
Why not watch an episode of Arrested Development while you wait for your Bird Soup to prepare?

Step 11:
Your bird soup will stop making feeble, desiccated squawking noises once fully ready for consumption. Pout it out into the bowl.

Step 12:
OH MY GOD DID YOU FORGET THE BOWL? GET ONE NOW, YOU SPASTIC!!

Step 13:
Take a spoon, knife, fork, and primitive hammer with you as you proceed to the dining room. Supply all guests eating Bird Soup with the same implements.

Step 14:
Enjoy!


It really is as easy as all that! And so scrummy! If you can’t eat all of the Bird Soup at this one sitting, then it will still taste just as great cold. Why not put it in a packed lunch for your children?** They’ll be sure you appreciate the effort you’ve made!


*Recipe is unsuitable for use with the following birds: parrot, hummingbird, Andrew, ostrich, emu, pheasant, cockatoo, Big.

**All of the Bird Soup must be eaten within four days of the original explosion, or the bird will reform minus the parts which have been consumed and embark on a rampage of revenge.

How To Properly Eat A Happy Meal

Step 1: Make sure that you have chosen the best meal option available – the Chicken McNuggets. All other nuggets pale in comparison to these reconstituted and gloriously golden chunks, and McDonalds has yet to make anything which can capture the nuggety taste sensation that was their creative culinary peak. Not since the McNugget has anyone been able to capture the full taste of reformed chicken so that it tastes like a shimmering spice explosion, yet maintain their crisp exterior and oh-so-soft interior. The burgers are coated in some form of strange thing plastic clingfilm, the cheeseburgers are hampered by the way the burger is always more cooked that the cheese, while the bun is still cold, and the fish-fingers take up to three months each for them to cook. McNuggets are your only way forward. Take fries with it, as opposed to carrot sticks. It may be tempting to go for the orange bit of vegetable over the yellow sticks of dubious origin, but this temptress is a lying minx who will lead you to ruin. The carrot sticks are horrific, the chips are passable. You can choose whichever drink you like.

Step 2: Make sure that you have gathered together at least three pots of ketchup. These will be essential – almost every bite you take requires ketchup. At some point.

Step 3: Read the outside for a few minutes, taking part in whatever quizzes may be emblazoned around the sides. If you are struggling for answers, then do not fear; they are printed on the underside of the box. Don’t use a pen to answer anything or solve the mazes, because you might want to try them again at a later date. Open the box.

Step 4: Take out everything, including the toy. Do not open the toy. Instead look at it and try to figure out what movable parts it has, and if it could make a good weapon in any way. Arrange napkins across your tray, and drop all the chips onto them, so that they don’t touch the surface proper. You never know what might have happened on those trays. The chicken McNuggets should stay in their own separate box: do not open them at this point. This is vital. You are allowed to sip your drink, but no more than a few single sips are allowed at any one point. You’ll need to conserve your rations of the delicious fruity waterfall of joy until towards the end.

Step 5: Eat the fries. All of them. You are allowed to empty out all of the first pot (of three, remember) of ketchup alongside the fries. The best way to eat the chips is to take out the longer ones first and devour them mercilessly, snapping off their heads and biting them in half, before turning your ravenous attention towards the weaker fries. Take them out in threes and fours, drowning them in ketchup and blinding them before sending them to join their lanky friends. If you’re with a friend (which… we hope you are) then talk to them incessantly. You only get so many years in a life, and it would be a shame not to make the most of them. Tell them about your favourite colour, how you worry about the fact you haven’t yet seen ‘Blade Runner’, or debate with reasoned points how likely you consider it to be that the girl/boy behind the counter harbours a slight crush on you. Make the most of your years. Eat the fries. Once they are gone, shove the packaging back inside the Happy Meal Box.

Step 6: Ignore the outside world. Shut everything out; because you are about to embark upon a deeply personal eating experience, one that does not come along every day.

Step 7: The McNuggets. I won't help you with this, but don't panic. When the time comes... you’ll know what to do.

Step 8: Once the McNuggets are gone, you’ll return to reality and realise that you’ve finished the ketchup, except for one little streak along the side of one of the tubs. Take your finger and gather this remaining reminder of the ketchup and use the stickiness of the condiment to gather all the last few crumbs of McNugget together on your finger. Then suck that finger like there’s no tomorrow! Do it. If you wish, at this point you can take the box for the nuggets and tilt it so any of the remaining buds of crumby taste and goodness fall into your waiting mouth. This is not frowned upon, but at the same time is inadvisable if you have chosen to take a date to McDonalds.

Step 9: Rip the lid off the drink. Literally – rip it. Tear that sucker off and gaze at the refreshing, fizzing drink, of which at least half should still remain. Then pick up the cup and start draining it so that you get a headache from the cold, much like when you down icecream too quickly. Let the pain come. You can take as many swigs as you wish, but do not take your time. Get rid of the drink as quickly as possible. If you have a friend/date with you, then maintain a knowing eye contact with them for the duration of the experience.

Step 10: Eat the ice cubes… one at a time.


And you’re done. Of course, if you want a real delicious meal which is healthy and has those low, low prices that you love, then go to Subways. Go on: treat yourself!

Places You Shouldn’t Be Taking Your Infant Baby

No 3: McDonalds

You’d think that taking your infant to McDonalds would be the preserve of the chav, scav, and people from Manchester, but the sad reality is that the middle class are the most guilty of this sin. It’s a way for them to win cheap affection from their kids by buying them a happy meal which not only saves them the hassle of having to cook a meal, but also gives them license to eat a McFlurry. And parents are suckers for those ice-creams. I have nothing against people who take their children to McDonalds once in a while (the McNuggets in particular I highly recommend), but why do adults, smart and rational ones at that… why do they take infants to McDonalds? All the babies ever do is cry as their mum (you rarely see a dad in a McDonalds, surprisingly) looks on out the window. Nobody is happy in this situation! Just don’t do it! If you go anywhere with your kids, screw the McDonalds entirely and go to Subways instead.


No 4: A French Market

I’ll admit that that last section there was a piece of filler so I could justify this half of the blog entry. French markets! I have had the dubious pleasure of going to markets around the world, and you can see the cultural identity of every race from the way they organise a market. African markets tend to specialise in cheap knock-offs of famous brands whilst Australians rock a market the same way they rock everything else, with surf-boards and glowsticks among the things you’ll find on sale. Inevitably there will be a basket-stall too, with a grumpy old woman weaving miserably whiles smoking something of dubious legality. British markets are dull and dismal affairs, much like the people, selling bags of sweets and rugs. We also have on offer the most singularly depressing mix of charitable second-hand toys you will find the World over, from people trying to sell old Happy Meal toys through to “beanie babies – beanless” and jigsaw puzzles with no pieces (build the rest yourself from cardboard! Fun for the whole family!) French markets, in contrast, are the most vibrant of all. People wander round offering free samples of anything, there are cool gadgets and mimes and people who sit on the floor and paint things for you to buy! It’s great fun… so long as you don’t invite your children along.

Any child under the age of twelve will be petrified at a French market. Y’know why? Because the French have no concept of what is - and what isn’t - an attractive display to lure customers. What they do have is a horrifying constitution that allows them to eat pretty much anything that moves. Mix the two together, and you get this:

Keep your children the hell away from French markets.

The World Is Ruined Because Of…

Bread!

“Bread?” you ask me in that slightly annoying high-pitched voice you have. “What in the blue blazes could possibly be bad about bread? It’s a delicious part of any meal, whether it be in the form of toast, a sandwich, or… well actually, that’s just about the only two ways you can eat bread, but my point still stands! Bread is the best!” Yes, but it is also ruining the World. For why? Let me explain.

Point 1: I want to make clear that I am talking about a specific type of bread, here. I’m talking about bread which says it is ‘best of both’, in that it offers white bread with all the goodness of brown bread. For starters, this is wrong because there is nothing good about brown bread. It’s a punishment that fat people inflict upon themselves because they need to atone for their globbiness. Brown bread is the most disgusting thing you could possibly eat, bread that has bits of other things in it. When eating brown bread you can suddenly find yourself chewing something that, on further observation, appears to have the consistency and taste of a bit of rabbit poo. There are odd things in the bread, and on top of this the bread itself tastes awful. Brown bread is a horrific experience that no child should ever have to suffer. For bread manufacturers to actually promote the fact that their white bread tastes like brown bread should be commercial suicide.

Point 2: Best of both bread is simply not designed to be eaten. One of the most popular forms of bread, ‘toast’, relies upon the fact that you can see how well toasted the bread is by looking at the slice itself. It turns yellow, then brown, the black, and you can see this gradual change and decide for yourself whenabouts you want to stop cooking and put some jam on that lovely bastard. You can’t do this with best of both, because here’s the scoop: it looks brown. The whole point of best of both is that you can trick your friends and family with it because they are meant to think it looks white even though it is disgusting brown. But best of both is distinctly brown in colour! Thusly, when you put it in and take it out of the toaster, you cannot tell if it is toasted or not until it’s too late. This is bad.

Point 3: It tastes digesting anyway. I’ve already denounced brown bread, but best of both bread isn’t much better. It takes out the ‘bits’ but leaves in all the yucky taste that will astonish children and disgust all but the most fibre-orientated of grandparents. A lot of people will tell you than this type of bread tastes like cardboard, but don’t let them fool you – it tastes more like dry carpet.

Point 4: Surely best of both bread must suffer when it is in the supermarket, as neither the white loafs nor the brown loafs will talk to them, judging them ‘inferior’. This poor mixed-race bread must suffer dreadfully.

Point 5: Best of both bread sells itself on the fact that it is healthy and good for you, despite having the look of white bread. Excuse me, but wasn’t the process of bleaching bread white what made it bad for you in the first place? And roughly how bad can any kind of bread be for you, anyway? It still has roughly the same ingredients, but it simply streamlines out all the parts that taste awful and replaces them with bits that taste nice. What’s wrong with that?

Brown bread and ‘best of both’ bread is destroying our society. In this feature I had to change what I was saying on no less than six occasions, for fear of accidentally writing a potent metaphor about race relations. How can that be a good thing? I condemn this bread!