Wednesday, 17 December 2008

The Wilftonville Christmas Appeal

With Christmas just round the corner now, it’s time for us to think not of ourselves, or of any religious iconography whatsoever, but instead of others. Unless those others are involved in religious iconography, as previously stated. Yes, it’s time for The Annual Wilftonville Christmas Appeal.

Blue Peter does not have a monopoly on these things.

This Christmas, you may be sat round the Christmas tree with your family, opening presents and laughing. But for some children, that laughter never comes, because they are dying of starvation. In countries less well off than our own (Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Scotland), people are starving right now and it’s something that we feel is no longer acceptable. Not in this big, shining globe of hope which Barack Obama is due to start ruling soon, surely? To think that in some places there are people who will not be able to cut into a Christmas Turkey/Hannukah Goose/Buddhist whateverthehell Buddhists are allowed to eat; because they don’t have one. How horrendous the World can be sometimes.

And you, you’re laughing so much at your Christmas joy. Can’t you spend a moment on spreading it to other people? Would that be so difficult? All we ask at Wilftonville is that you send us the dessicated remains of your pets once they die. Now, it’s never easy to lose a pet, especially one which you are close to – but does that really excuse that fact that around the world, millions of pets are buried once they die? That’s millions of potential meals for starving people, given to the underground creatures instead of the humans who need them.

Have you ever seen the underground creatures? They are hideous. You shouldn’t keep feeding them.

To take part in The Wilftonville Annual Appeal, please wait until your beloved pet dies a natural death and then post the corpse to us so that we can forward it to a starving boy in North Australia (near Cairns, the ‘third world’ of Oz). With your help, we can make a difference to so many people - especially if you keep pet cows.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.


  1. what about a pet that's been dead a while?

  2. If there is still meat hanging off the bones, then I don't see how any children could complain with that. Bless you.

  3. how much would it cost to post a medium sized rodent?

  4. What am I, a postman?

  5. i just presumed that you, as the inventor of the wilftonville christmas appeal would've figured out the finer details!