Florence Welch's Guide To Culture

hi ,im Florence from Florence and the machine. i like to go to cultural fairs and learn from the magic womyn who make potteries and draw watercolours. When im not busy with all my projects such as Florence and the machine iI am a keen activist for such important cultural actives such as and including saving seals, helping fund canvases to struggling new york artisans, and buying tickets to the guggenheim for the homeless. As i know from my time being a fighter for art over crass comerciality there are many people out there who do not know about where they can go to find art and culture and be imaginative for making their minds expand with the knowledge of our forefathers and foremothyers. When i am halfwayup a trek in the andes ,i think about these people such as these and Iii feel so sad that the outdoors are not accessible to everyone. So i have been asked by my friend and guru in matters of life and forelife and afterlife and preternatural Spanish dancing called steve to help his followers on wilftonville to broaden they’re horizons and clean themselves from culture and immerse themselves in cultyre.

1.
hey xxx have you ever been underwater?? there is not only a new world under there, but like in the Disney movie whichi have memorised to heart there are mermaids with tridents. i want to be a mermaid!iI would spend my time underwater looking at fascinating coral and learning about the history of starfish. if the starfish could talk back to me, that would be haven.

2.
when I can’t think of songs like my album track girl with/1 eye I relax with some bikram yoga performed on the roof of a mosque. the culture of the mosque people is so interesting to me ,I find that everytime t visit their place of worship there are new things to discover and enjoy. Walk in to yours sometime and try to comprehend the vastness of their belief system ,t donot book before i go in but wear a sarong so they will appreciate my effortsto blend in.

3.
fashion is a passion of mine which is obvious to all who have been seeing me on the streets of new york or paris in italy. i have found a shop which sells only tropical outfits designed by children and it is so sweet! They have smiles on they’re faces every time i walk in and order some coconuts anklets. it is an easy shop to find if you live near to martime fiji, which is my favourite place to go and realign my zen when I think the paparazzia are attacking me and my friends with their soul-stealers (cameras(

4.
bonjour is the local language of my favorite country which is of course alcase lorraine where they make cowbells that ring with passion. my next album is going to get rid of the harpsichord and replace it with organice cowbells and mushroom triangles, iam a firm belieber that we must respect and revere our livestock for they are humans too, eventhough they do not look like it. If i have 1 message to share with you all, machinists and fans of my spirituality, then it would be that you should go to paris and admire the pigs

5.
finally, and this is for the moment but i have to go and sunbathe in the ultraviolet glow of a pygmy sanctum in north waleshire, i recommend going to los angeles, where they have such amusing sights as people drawing characterisations of your face, usinga pen and sometimes a paintbrush. it always astonishes me how people can take art and make it into something that is less than art, but still art, and that makes it feel like it is more than art!! hehe that is obviously a joke, don’t take it seriously you guys. if you see some1 taking art from you and making into morethanart, please call me!! hehe love you all lots flo xx

Rage Against Coat Hangers

They make life a living hell for at least 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the World's population (What? I've estimated the percentage of the World who is me. Haven't we all done that at some point?) with their spindly wires and looped bits. I don't like to overexaggerate, yet it seems clear that coat hangers are holding back humanity and keeping us from living in a utopia of freedom, peace, and endless new episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (of season 3/4 quality). They are terrible creations, one of the worst inventions that mankind has ever come up with. Let's quickly look over the basic concept of what a coat hanger is:

a. A way to store shirts so that they do not crease.

Except that isn't true, is it? Because the hangers hold the shirt up by the arms, meaning that the lower half of the sleeves fold inwardly on themselves, thus creasing the shirt.

b. A simple device to enable quick, easy storage

Also not true. When was the last time you took a shirt off a coat hanger without the hanger gripping on like Kate Winslet to a drowning Leonardo DiCaprio? Insistent that nobody stops them from performing their duty, hangers rarely allow you to simply remove a shirt. No, instead their long arms start to bend so that they stick to the shirt. The only way to get them free is to take the coat hanger and forcibly remove one arm at a time.

c. Futuristic and cool

Not many people think coat hangers are cool, ACTUALLY. We all know that they were invented so people could collect them like Pokemon Cards or POGS or celebrity twitter feeds, and show them off whenever a guest comes round, but frankly I don't think anyone does that.


What annoys me is that the original coat hanger design, which is terrible, has been followed by by a half-dozen even worse creations. Have you ever seen a coat hanger which has extra hooks running along the top wires? At least two shirts I owned have been ripped by those hooks, those little gremlin hands which destroy anything they get in contact with. Two whole shirts! You know how much those cost, in this day and age? Then there are the coat hangers which have a 'bottom rung' in case you want to hang your trousers from them. These are invariably weak, and sag noticably and alarmingly whenever tasked with this job. They're a timebomb waiting to happen, and yet we, the public, don't seem to care about the risk of the plastic snapping and flying into our neck. Why?

Because the coat hanger industry is incredibly powerful, that's why. The gun lobby in America is infamously for its bewildering power over Government. In Britain, the deep fat fryer industry has a crushing grasp on the people in control, especially in Scottish Parliament. Bt the coat hanger industry is so powerful that nobody knows how powerful they really are. Why else would we keep buying these things, which manage to tangle themselves up within seconds of being hung up on a rail? I have a similar grievance with iPod headphones, but that's best left for another time. Coat hangers are the enemy here.

The original function of the coat hanger was to perform abortions on the poor. How have we as a society fallen so far that we now need every single medical tool to have a secondary purpose? Clothes hangers are inappropriate and impossible to use, being unwieldy, prone to damaging clothes, and surprisingly difficult to actually hang clothes on. Why can't we just use magnets instead, like the Japanese do? Even better, what say we ban the wearing of shirts altogether and get back to our roots as members of the animal kingdom? Shame on us.

A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In a Way Pleasing To Men

Part 1: General Appearance


Accessories and Beauty Products

The first step, oh grr-some femmes, is to go through your house and find all the jewellery you’ve been hoarding since you first realised that you liked shiny things. You should try and collect together all of them into one pile – the earrings, the necklaces, and especially the rings. What do you think of them when you see all the pieces together, lumped into one big pile? Are you impressed by them? These items of jewellery right here on the bed (you did put them on your bed, didn’t you, women who are following along? Just another example of the fact that this is a website that cares) symbolise your ties to corporations. Now, unless we’re talking about FIFA, the BBC or McVities, you should know that no men like corporations. At least, none of the men that are worth chasing. Corporations remind men of the big companies which run their daily lives, and thus by wearing jewellery you are simply reminding them repeatedly of the drudgery that makes up their working lives. Drudgery is not a good look for you.

Take aside any pieces of jewellery that has a good story or some meaningful family history and put them back in the drawer, where they can safely remain. Those pieces of jewellery are allowed. Everything else must go! Sell them on to women who have yet to read this, make yourself a pile of cash, and sit on it for a while. You don’t need that jewellery, because the purpose of jewellery and accessories similar to jewellery (example: bangles) is to be bought and given by men to women. The typical scenario nowadays tends to have the following happen:

Man: Hi!
Woman: Hello also to you.
Man: I have bought you a bangle.
Woman: Oh, I already have a bangle.
Man: [Break Up]

If women already have jewellery hanging around every available limb or edge on their bodies, it defeats the point and intention of giving them jewellery in the first place. The fashion industry, specifically the section of the fashion industry which is focally based upon selling jewellery, may suffer from this approach. Good! They have too much money as it is.

While we’re at it, let’s take the majority of your make-up away from you, because here’s another secret which women are oblivious of but which seems blindingly obvious to most men: you look best without it. Keep the basic make-up, sure, because it makes you feel more confident, and the last thing you need is to feel nervous and embarrassed about going out in public. You need to stay secure with yourself, like the hip momma you almost certainly are. The stuff which makes your face an unnatural colour and that little brush that turns your eyelashes into perpetually moving insects of an unspecified nature however – men politely ask you to stop using that. The final point to make regarding make-up is the need women have to bronze themselves, as if men find that attractive.

Men do not generally find that attractive. In fact, it makes you look strange. Going to a salon and getting a sun-tan also brings with it a risk of cancer, which will not be a good look for you. Men are surprisingly able to overlook appearances, but bald women have never been attractive. They’re like those cats you see with all their hair missing – you recognise what it is, but you can’t comprehend it. Around the World, the defining image for women from round here is of ‘the English Rose’. These women are not suntanned, and are instead naturally pale. We like that. Don’t go pretending to be someone who you are not. Make-up is there to make you feel better about yourself, not so that you can go round in disguise all the time. If men in England wanted a woman with a tan, then we’d go to Spain every Summer holi… We’ll now move on.

There are women out there who wear their hair up. In order to enhance your status as a damsel, however, we politely ask that you stop doing this. If you wish to be a Princess, then you’ll have to wear your hair down, and let it flow freely. That’s what Rapunzel did, and the decision never did her any harm! But seriously, wearing your hair up tightens the skin in your face as the hair is pulled backwards, thus putting strain on your features and making your forehead more wrinkly in years to come. Do you want that? Putting your hair up is the occasional fashion move, not the typical one. It makes you look younger and more in need of rescue from strong, heroic men. You may not be approached by said strong, heroic men while dressed in the way we’ve so far described, but we never made any guarantees (note to editor – cut the guarantee we made in the introduction).

You can still buy ridiculous shoes if you like.

Through implementing some of these changes, hopefully you can see the point that’s being driven to: levelling the field for all women. Every woman, no matter how rich, will have to rely on her personality rather than her looks when it comes to attracting men. Sure, it’s a little bit of a hopeless dream, but it’s a romantic one that you should enjoy thinking about. After all, you have a great personality, don’t you?

Five Names For A Mohawk That Are Better Than ‘Mohawk’

Of all haircuts, in all the world, there are none more breathtaking in their realisation of the human condition than the Mohawk. But that name, though! It’s awful. Only an old, old black man from Tennessee should ever be allowed to use that word, and only in response to the question “would you like some more roast hawk to eat, sir?” Yes, that was casually racist, but it was casual racism with a purpose: we need to get rid of the word Mohawk. We need a new word to replace it. Here are three possible candidates which are all far better than ‘mohawk’.


1: The Hope Bridge

This is a more religious approach to hair. A Hope Bridge would seem to imply that through a pilgrimage the average bystander would be able to become a stronger, more understanding person. Anyone who traverses the Hope Bridge would automatically see an upturn in their capacity for change and freedom. Little problems fade away, and big problems overturn themselves. All through one haircut.


2: The Finland

It is common knowledge that this style of haircut is most common in Finland, former suicide-capital of the world until so many people killed themselves the percentage of suicides went down by default. It's also the current home of crap Euro-death-rock band HIM, one of whom we assume has a haircut very similar to this mode. Children in Finland are, upon birth, slapped on the cheek, taken to a special incubator to make sure they can breathe okay, and then given their first haircut. Renaming it to ‘The Finland’ would be a fitting way of showing gratitude to the nation for their pioneering approach to hairstyling and cavalier/dangerous child-rearing methodology.


3: The Stegosaurus

The haircut makes your head look a little bit like a stegosaurus, you see. However, this name would also ask of the wearer that they braid the back of their hair into a pair of testicle-esque clubs which hang on the back of the neck, so as to capture the shape of a dinosaur tail.


4: The T-Grab

Named for Mr T, the most famous proponent of this style. The main aim of this name will be to help establish the number of foos currently in the vicinity.


5: The Tom Chaplin

What Keane are practically begging for are a series of more radical haircuts. With a new album on the way, would it be too much to ask that they spike up and break out the purple dye? If they do so, we would be more than willing to rename the styles after them in tribute.