Friday, 3 October 2008

A Guide To Becoming A Damsel: How To Act In a Way Pleasing To Men

Part 1: General Appearance

Accessories and Beauty Products

The first step, oh grr-some femmes, is to go through your house and find all the jewellery you’ve been hoarding since you first realised that you liked shiny things. You should try and collect together all of them into one pile – the earrings, the necklaces, and especially the rings. What do you think of them when you see all the pieces together, lumped into one big pile? Are you impressed by them? These items of jewellery right here on the bed (you did put them on your bed, didn’t you, women who are following along? Just another example of the fact that this is a website that cares) symbolise your ties to corporations. Now, unless we’re talking about FIFA, the BBC or McVities, you should know that no men like corporations. At least, none of the men that are worth chasing. Corporations remind men of the big companies which run their daily lives, and thus by wearing jewellery you are simply reminding them repeatedly of the drudgery that makes up their working lives. Drudgery is not a good look for you.

Take aside any pieces of jewellery that has a good story or some meaningful family history and put them back in the drawer, where they can safely remain. Those pieces of jewellery are allowed. Everything else must go! Sell them on to women who have yet to read this, make yourself a pile of cash, and sit on it for a while. You don’t need that jewellery, because the purpose of jewellery and accessories similar to jewellery (example: bangles) is to be bought and given by men to women. The typical scenario nowadays tends to have the following happen:

Man: Hi!
Woman: Hello also to you.
Man: I have bought you a bangle.
Woman: Oh, I already have a bangle.
Man: [Break Up]

If women already have jewellery hanging around every available limb or edge on their bodies, it defeats the point and intention of giving them jewellery in the first place. The fashion industry, specifically the section of the fashion industry which is focally based upon selling jewellery, may suffer from this approach. Good! They have too much money as it is.

While we’re at it, let’s take the majority of your make-up away from you, because here’s another secret which women are oblivious of but which seems blindingly obvious to most men: you look best without it. Keep the basic make-up, sure, because it makes you feel more confident, and the last thing you need is to feel nervous and embarrassed about going out in public. You need to stay secure with yourself, like the hip momma you almost certainly are. The stuff which makes your face an unnatural colour and that little brush that turns your eyelashes into perpetually moving insects of an unspecified nature however – men politely ask you to stop using that. The final point to make regarding make-up is the need women have to bronze themselves, as if men find that attractive.

Men do not generally find that attractive. In fact, it makes you look strange. Going to a salon and getting a sun-tan also brings with it a risk of cancer, which will not be a good look for you. Men are surprisingly able to overlook appearances, but bald women have never been attractive. They’re like those cats you see with all their hair missing – you recognise what it is, but you can’t comprehend it. Around the World, the defining image for women from round here is of ‘the English Rose’. These women are not suntanned, and are instead naturally pale. We like that. Don’t go pretending to be someone who you are not. Make-up is there to make you feel better about yourself, not so that you can go round in disguise all the time. If men in England wanted a woman with a tan, then we’d go to Spain every Summer holi… We’ll now move on.

There are women out there who wear their hair up. In order to enhance your status as a damsel, however, we politely ask that you stop doing this. If you wish to be a Princess, then you’ll have to wear your hair down, and let it flow freely. That’s what Rapunzel did, and the decision never did her any harm! But seriously, wearing your hair up tightens the skin in your face as the hair is pulled backwards, thus putting strain on your features and making your forehead more wrinkly in years to come. Do you want that? Putting your hair up is the occasional fashion move, not the typical one. It makes you look younger and more in need of rescue from strong, heroic men. You may not be approached by said strong, heroic men while dressed in the way we’ve so far described, but we never made any guarantees (note to editor – cut the guarantee we made in the introduction).

You can still buy ridiculous shoes if you like.

Through implementing some of these changes, hopefully you can see the point that’s being driven to: levelling the field for all women. Every woman, no matter how rich, will have to rely on her personality rather than her looks when it comes to attracting men. Sure, it’s a little bit of a hopeless dream, but it’s a romantic one that you should enjoy thinking about. After all, you have a great personality, don’t you?


  1. Steve, you're probably better off that there are no women on the internet. None.

  2. "How to act in a way pleasing to men". Gee, that's not condescending at all.

    Why not just tailor it to a post about what men like in a woman? That way you won't offend half the world.

  3. It's more fun this way.

  4. but if you knew steve well you'd know he meant to be condescending and 'offend half the world'...

  5. You're right, other anonymous person; he would.