Worst Overall Year:
Nobody could stop talking about Britney Spears. No matter what massive acts of violence occurred elsewhere in the world, the papers was far more interest in the current state of the former Mrs Federline than they were in anything else. 2008 was the year in which the industry decided to stop taking the piss out of Britney and start supporting her again, and she won a load of awards from MTV and several other corporate companies looking for publicity, but she managed to take this boost and shove it straight into the ground as she consistently messed up her live performances and continued to live a mad private life (as the cameras always documented). But Britney Spears isn’t a legitimate performer and can’t be thought of as a proper singer, so the award goes instead to Amy Winehouse.
The poor girl is trying to cope with her husband being in jail, and isn’t doing too well – and all the while the press are publishing article after article about how bad a role-model she is. Has it been noted by any of them that perhaps Amy Winehouse isn’t trying to be a role model? She’s a fantastic, gutsy singer and songwriter, and it’s a damn shame the press and public seem to have it out for her. What, like the Beatles never took drugs? It’s her own choice, and leave her to it. Don’t presume to know better than her. This year, Amy Winehouse couldn’t get away from the media no matter how hard she tried (holidays weren’t enough: the paparazzi simply followed her), and all in all she had a rotten time. Hopefully in 2009 she’ll get some of the privacy she deserves.
Awarded to: Amy Winehouse
Showing posts with label Britney Spears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Britney Spears. Show all posts
Thursday, 22 January 2009
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Close Analysis Of Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” Video
EDIT: Britney's lawyers keep deleting any videos on Youtube which aren't "official". I shall explain my thoughts on this in Friday's post. For the moment, if you want to take part in this fun analysis, then open up
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1-23EToh43M
in a new window and watch it alongside this article.
0:07: Britney is naked in a sauna. The reason for this isn’t explained at any point during the rest of the video. The sauna appears to be a wide, open space with only a tiny amount of steam in it, and yet Britney is covered from head to toe in sweat. This is also not explained.
0:13: A face that will haunt you for weeks to come.
0:18: This is the man who will play the role of ‘cheating boyfriend” in the video. He is probably gay.
0:20: Britney cooks breakfast in a tiny shirt which completely exposes her bra to the World. This will doubtlessly cause dangerous in the event that she drops the pan, or if she cooks sausages and hot fat spits up at her. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely naked and reading a newspaper, because this happens in real life. He is in threat of getting a papercut. The kitchen has black walls and a black floor, which makes the decision to have the kitchen table and chairs painted black questionable.
0:26: Britney’s boyfriend ignores the square egg that she has just cooked for him so he can check his calendar and check that it is still completely clear and that he has nothing going on. His refusal to accept the fact that his girlfriend has just performed a miracle Jesus would be proud of shows how self-centred he is.
0:29: In fact, he then performs a miracle of his own by getting all his clothes to fly on at once, just to spite her.
0:33: We have now moved to his workplace, and a woman arrives to take a drink at the fountain. One of the boyfriend’s work collegues spots her and points her out to the boyfriend.
0:38: But it turns out that this girl is really Britney in a black wig, and she starts doing a jerky dance routine with several of the other people who work at this office. It appears that this branch is populated by aspiring dancers who are working during the day to fund their night-classes.
0:48: We’ve hit the chorus, so we see sauna Britney telling nobody in particular (she is on her own in the sauna) that her boyfriend is a womaniser. It should be noted that by this point, the black-wigged Britney in the office is now slapping around the boyfriend and calling him a womaniser, too. She has only just arrived at this office, and all he’s done is look at her, but Britney takes this as a sign that he is a womaniser and so starts punishing him. This seems unfair and unjust, because this is a poor disguise and he
1:03: Britney seems unaware of what she’s singing about, because she smiles as she sings “I know just what you are.” She seems awfully proud of the fact that her boyfriend is a womaniser. Even though he isn’t.
1:15: The chorus is still going.
1:17: The boyfriend attempts to touch Britney’s bottom using both his hands. This is a move that no man has ever attempted on a woman before.
1:20: Britney pushes the boyfriend along on a chair while he preens for the camera. At this point, nothing makes sense anymore.
1:25: The office go back to the day-job, leaving only Britney and the boyfriend aware that a song is still going on. Meanwhile, Britney heads to the copy-machine, and he films her using his brand-name camera. Shiny BUY BUY.
1:33: Britney gives him a picture of her bottom, and then punches a hole through the middle. This scene doubtlessly makes for uncomfortable viewing for any woman who has gone through childbirth.
1:35: Britney throws boyfriend onto the copier. In the background – hey! It’s that guy Britney seduced on the plane in the ‘Toxic’ video! Didn’t that turn out to be a facemask that a blonde model was wearing, that she ripped off? How come he’s got the facemask back on, and is now working in an office?
1:38: Boyfriend returns to a business lunch with some friends, seemingly oblivious that a woman who looks just like his girlfriend has beaten him up in an office whilst singing.
1:41: Britney returns! This costume is more poorly-disguised, but certainly sluttier.
1:47: Redhead slut Britney starts giving the boyfriend a lapdance, and he’s into it despite the fact he’s a gay. She pulls him up by the tie and starts dancing round him.
1:55: The waitressing staff - who are working during the day so they can fund dance-classes – throw all their things in the air and join in the dancing.
2:00: The boyfriend patently ignores everything that Britney is singing, because he’s looking down her top while she calls him a womaniser. Again, her reasoning for this is questionable at best.
2:08: About fifteen people have gathered together at the bar to take part in a very dodgy-looking orgy scene. The waiters and waitresses start kissing. That the orgy exists only so Britney can then shout at her boyfriend later on is disturbing, but what’s worse is that after this, none of the staff at this restaurant will ever be able to look each other in the eyes again.
2:25: Boyfriend gets thrown onto a counter in a kitchen by Britney, who is strong and resilient. She mounts him, and he’s loving it, which gives him the chance to do a minor audition for porn films as he writhes in faked ecstasy and pretends she’s Tom Cruise.
2:33: Britney eats a cherry – but not the stalk – and then shows him that she tied the stalk into a knot. Using her psychic abilities.
2:36: The boyfriend up to this point has been dry-humped several times, but nothing bad has happened to him yet. He gets into a car only to find that Britney is the driver. If you’re wondering what she’s going to do to him, then you haven’t been paying attention.
2:43: Britney dry-humps her boyfriend. She steers the car with one shoe, which is freakin’ awesome.
2:53: We’re entering the part of every Britney song where she starts singing words in no coherent order, so we flash on many different things. Amongst them, we see boyfriend taking a shower, Britney flashing some leg in the car, the car driving itself because Britney is no longer at the wheel, and Britney watching her boyfriend shower.
3:03: Returning home, the boyfriend has been beaten there by Britney somehow, despite travelling there in the same car. She spins round and clothes fall off her, so she’s wearing the same outfit she was wearing at the start. She then proceeds to dry-hump the boyfriend into submission.
3:18: Britney stops dry humping him long enough to push him off the bed, and then follows this up by kicking him down some stairs. This guy has had a really weird day.
3:24: She throws him back onto the bed using only one hand, because she is a monster.
3:26: Another face that will scare even the bravest of little children.
3:31: He is now aware that Britney is going to do something to him, and looks as petrified as any right-thinking man should be, because Britney Spears is crazy. She might cover him in petrol, or stab him, or throw him off the building. Heck, in the Toxic video she poisoned that one guy. What is she going to do?
3:42: Surprisingly, no dry humping. Instead she drapes the bed sheets over him and walks away. Once the video is over, he will probably get out of bed, ask her what the hell is going on, and slap her around a little. Don’t womanise, men, or you might have the same fate.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1-23EToh43M
in a new window and watch it alongside this article.
0:07: Britney is naked in a sauna. The reason for this isn’t explained at any point during the rest of the video. The sauna appears to be a wide, open space with only a tiny amount of steam in it, and yet Britney is covered from head to toe in sweat. This is also not explained.
0:13: A face that will haunt you for weeks to come.
0:18: This is the man who will play the role of ‘cheating boyfriend” in the video. He is probably gay.
0:20: Britney cooks breakfast in a tiny shirt which completely exposes her bra to the World. This will doubtlessly cause dangerous in the event that she drops the pan, or if she cooks sausages and hot fat spits up at her. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely naked and reading a newspaper, because this happens in real life. He is in threat of getting a papercut. The kitchen has black walls and a black floor, which makes the decision to have the kitchen table and chairs painted black questionable.
0:26: Britney’s boyfriend ignores the square egg that she has just cooked for him so he can check his calendar and check that it is still completely clear and that he has nothing going on. His refusal to accept the fact that his girlfriend has just performed a miracle Jesus would be proud of shows how self-centred he is.
0:29: In fact, he then performs a miracle of his own by getting all his clothes to fly on at once, just to spite her.
0:33: We have now moved to his workplace, and a woman arrives to take a drink at the fountain. One of the boyfriend’s work collegues spots her and points her out to the boyfriend.
0:38: But it turns out that this girl is really Britney in a black wig, and she starts doing a jerky dance routine with several of the other people who work at this office. It appears that this branch is populated by aspiring dancers who are working during the day to fund their night-classes.
0:48: We’ve hit the chorus, so we see sauna Britney telling nobody in particular (she is on her own in the sauna) that her boyfriend is a womaniser. It should be noted that by this point, the black-wigged Britney in the office is now slapping around the boyfriend and calling him a womaniser, too. She has only just arrived at this office, and all he’s done is look at her, but Britney takes this as a sign that he is a womaniser and so starts punishing him. This seems unfair and unjust, because this is a poor disguise and he
1:03: Britney seems unaware of what she’s singing about, because she smiles as she sings “I know just what you are.” She seems awfully proud of the fact that her boyfriend is a womaniser. Even though he isn’t.
1:15: The chorus is still going.
1:17: The boyfriend attempts to touch Britney’s bottom using both his hands. This is a move that no man has ever attempted on a woman before.
1:20: Britney pushes the boyfriend along on a chair while he preens for the camera. At this point, nothing makes sense anymore.
1:25: The office go back to the day-job, leaving only Britney and the boyfriend aware that a song is still going on. Meanwhile, Britney heads to the copy-machine, and he films her using his brand-name camera. Shiny BUY BUY.
1:33: Britney gives him a picture of her bottom, and then punches a hole through the middle. This scene doubtlessly makes for uncomfortable viewing for any woman who has gone through childbirth.
1:35: Britney throws boyfriend onto the copier. In the background – hey! It’s that guy Britney seduced on the plane in the ‘Toxic’ video! Didn’t that turn out to be a facemask that a blonde model was wearing, that she ripped off? How come he’s got the facemask back on, and is now working in an office?
1:38: Boyfriend returns to a business lunch with some friends, seemingly oblivious that a woman who looks just like his girlfriend has beaten him up in an office whilst singing.
1:41: Britney returns! This costume is more poorly-disguised, but certainly sluttier.
1:47: Redhead slut Britney starts giving the boyfriend a lapdance, and he’s into it despite the fact he’s a gay. She pulls him up by the tie and starts dancing round him.
1:55: The waitressing staff - who are working during the day so they can fund dance-classes – throw all their things in the air and join in the dancing.
2:00: The boyfriend patently ignores everything that Britney is singing, because he’s looking down her top while she calls him a womaniser. Again, her reasoning for this is questionable at best.
2:08: About fifteen people have gathered together at the bar to take part in a very dodgy-looking orgy scene. The waiters and waitresses start kissing. That the orgy exists only so Britney can then shout at her boyfriend later on is disturbing, but what’s worse is that after this, none of the staff at this restaurant will ever be able to look each other in the eyes again.
2:25: Boyfriend gets thrown onto a counter in a kitchen by Britney, who is strong and resilient. She mounts him, and he’s loving it, which gives him the chance to do a minor audition for porn films as he writhes in faked ecstasy and pretends she’s Tom Cruise.
2:33: Britney eats a cherry – but not the stalk – and then shows him that she tied the stalk into a knot. Using her psychic abilities.
2:36: The boyfriend up to this point has been dry-humped several times, but nothing bad has happened to him yet. He gets into a car only to find that Britney is the driver. If you’re wondering what she’s going to do to him, then you haven’t been paying attention.
2:43: Britney dry-humps her boyfriend. She steers the car with one shoe, which is freakin’ awesome.
2:53: We’re entering the part of every Britney song where she starts singing words in no coherent order, so we flash on many different things. Amongst them, we see boyfriend taking a shower, Britney flashing some leg in the car, the car driving itself because Britney is no longer at the wheel, and Britney watching her boyfriend shower.
3:03: Returning home, the boyfriend has been beaten there by Britney somehow, despite travelling there in the same car. She spins round and clothes fall off her, so she’s wearing the same outfit she was wearing at the start. She then proceeds to dry-hump the boyfriend into submission.
3:18: Britney stops dry humping him long enough to push him off the bed, and then follows this up by kicking him down some stairs. This guy has had a really weird day.
3:24: She throws him back onto the bed using only one hand, because she is a monster.
3:26: Another face that will scare even the bravest of little children.
3:31: He is now aware that Britney is going to do something to him, and looks as petrified as any right-thinking man should be, because Britney Spears is crazy. She might cover him in petrol, or stab him, or throw him off the building. Heck, in the Toxic video she poisoned that one guy. What is she going to do?
3:42: Surprisingly, no dry humping. Instead she drapes the bed sheets over him and walks away. Once the video is over, he will probably get out of bed, ask her what the hell is going on, and slap her around a little. Don’t womanise, men, or you might have the same fate.
Saturday, 29 December 2007
The 10 Most Likely Career Suicides of 2008: Numbers 10-6
When Jade Goody disconnected her already highly inconsiderable mind from her mouth on Celebrity Big Brother in 2007, few could have expected that it would do what countless hatchet jobs in the media and the fact she had no discernable qualities as a human could; it killed off her career as a reality TV show contestant. What’s more interesting is that this year several actual talented people lost all their privileges as a celebrity after making massive missteps in the eyes of the public – and, crucially, the papers. If the 2000’s have been all about celebrities who are worth jack-all in real terms, then this year has been all about wiping out the weaker celebrities in favour of the bigger, faster, stronger ones. We’re witnessing survival of the fittest amongst out celebrities, and it’s fascinating.
So now that several celebrities are now gone forever, in whatever sense – Lisa Scott-Lee, Bernard Manning, Chris Langham (and that dude was awesome, y’all), and we’re at that festive, happy, giving time of year when people are curled together and feeling generous and joyous, spreading goodwill to all mankind… what better time to guess which celebrities won’t be with us by this time next year? Here, rolled up into one of those comprehensive top-ten rundowns people seem to love, are the ten celebrities I most expect to get been completely wiped off the face of the earth by December 2008.
10: Britney Spears
Britney is on the list not because of a personal vendetta I have against the girl, but out of blind hope. I really hope that Britney Spears stops being a celebrity next year, and the possibility is not altogether unlikely. At the moment, she’s a basket-case of Syd Barrett dimensions (I speak mentally, if not physically), hounded everywhere she goes by the press. Now considering the number of paparazzi who have been physically injured by Brit this year due to their relentless stalking, it’s not a far leap to consider the possibility that next year one of them will go too far, and actually die for his ‘art’. That sounds far-fetched, but think about it; this girl cannot drive well at the best of times. She’s about as sober as a limo driver (yes, that was a Diana joke, people. GET OVER HER), and she’s followed at all times by around ten-to-twenty people, all of whom are flashing her with cameras. Could you keep control of a vehicle in those circumstances? This year George Clooney was almost killed by the paparazzi whilst on a motorbike, and it’s entirely likely that in 2008 one of them will be on the receiving end of some wheels. Sadly, I think Britney is the one most likely to do this. I hope that this doesn’t happen, naturally, but perhaps it’d provide the incentive for her family to finally Get Her Out Of The Public Eye. For god’s sake, someone needs to protect that girl. As an added bonus to us all, there’d be one less rubbish album out per year.
09: This year’s Big Brother contestants
I’ve lumped them all together, because I only know the names of two of them: Chanelle and Ziggy. Those two aside, there is nobody from this year’s wholly boring extravaganza that merits any remembrance. They’ve kept a bit of press, but now they’ve split up their story is going to wind down very quickly. Ziggy already seems to have vanished somewhat, which shows a common sense I can respect. Chanelle has proved to be much trickier to get rid of, which stands to reason: she’s a Wakefield lass. But her problem here is that she is no longer the most famous person from Wakefield – Ryan Jarman is quickly making tracks. He’s the lead singer of indie band The Cribs, and has started dating Kate Nash – plus, he’s funny and entertaining. Chanelle can offer neither a flighty musical partner, nor talent, and will thus fade into obscurity in 2008. Ah well, there’s always the Wakefield Christmas Lights Switch-On next year, Chaz!
08: Mika
I just really dislike his music. And unless he releases any new music in 2008, I can’t see how he’ll still be popular by this time next year.
07: Amy Winehouse
Who am I kidding? Amy isn’t leaving our papers. However, she currently stands over a very rocky precipice. This is the cliff, of course, of ‘creative talent’, that I refer to. As she stands by the edge, the wind of ‘media circus’ blows at her, as winds tend to, and if she continues to get in the press these wildly metaphorical gusts are going to blow her over. I am here referring, in the likely event you didn’t understand any of that incredibly forced image, to the fact that Amy Winehouse is still more famous for her voice than for her personal life. But more and more she is becoming a media star instead of a valuable asset to the British music scene, and she risks falling into the same trap Pete Doherty did, whereby her music loses all hope and becomes a waste of everyone’s time. She’s currently only one ill-judged comment about Israel (well, she is a nice Jewish girl after all) away from becoming no longer a star, and instead a pin-up for The Sun.
06: Jim Carrey
His star is fading, isn’t it? After years of being Hollywood’s biggest clown, ol’ Canadian rubberjaw is out of favour with the masses. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell, amongst others, are some of the many stars who have taken over comedy in cinema. Seriously, can you name Carrey’s most recent films? He was in that one where he played a madcap bank-robber, and then there was the one where he was a madcap evil uncle… oh wait, that film is two years old! There aren’t many gigs lined in for Jim Carrey, especially now that his latest project has been cancelled. Considering the fact that the WGA strike means there will be very few new films made in 2009, and this means it’s going to be a long time for us without a new Jim Carrey film. Will we need him anymore, now Judd Apatow rules us all?? Carrey has one left in the bank… but it’s a computer animation jobbie. Looking at the trailer for this new Dr Seuss-inspired yarn too, and you’ll notice someone else gets equal billing with him – Steve Carell. Oh-oh! Add to this the knowledge that he’s stopped lasciviously going around the blonde girls of America one at a time (well, hopefully one at a time). He’s found one he likes, and he’s settled down. So at the very same time his work has dried up, he’s also stopped being of any interest to the press. Things look grim for everyone’s favourite madcap actor!
So now that several celebrities are now gone forever, in whatever sense – Lisa Scott-Lee, Bernard Manning, Chris Langham (and that dude was awesome, y’all), and we’re at that festive, happy, giving time of year when people are curled together and feeling generous and joyous, spreading goodwill to all mankind… what better time to guess which celebrities won’t be with us by this time next year? Here, rolled up into one of those comprehensive top-ten rundowns people seem to love, are the ten celebrities I most expect to get been completely wiped off the face of the earth by December 2008.
10: Britney Spears
Britney is on the list not because of a personal vendetta I have against the girl, but out of blind hope. I really hope that Britney Spears stops being a celebrity next year, and the possibility is not altogether unlikely. At the moment, she’s a basket-case of Syd Barrett dimensions (I speak mentally, if not physically), hounded everywhere she goes by the press. Now considering the number of paparazzi who have been physically injured by Brit this year due to their relentless stalking, it’s not a far leap to consider the possibility that next year one of them will go too far, and actually die for his ‘art’. That sounds far-fetched, but think about it; this girl cannot drive well at the best of times. She’s about as sober as a limo driver (yes, that was a Diana joke, people. GET OVER HER), and she’s followed at all times by around ten-to-twenty people, all of whom are flashing her with cameras. Could you keep control of a vehicle in those circumstances? This year George Clooney was almost killed by the paparazzi whilst on a motorbike, and it’s entirely likely that in 2008 one of them will be on the receiving end of some wheels. Sadly, I think Britney is the one most likely to do this. I hope that this doesn’t happen, naturally, but perhaps it’d provide the incentive for her family to finally Get Her Out Of The Public Eye. For god’s sake, someone needs to protect that girl. As an added bonus to us all, there’d be one less rubbish album out per year.
09: This year’s Big Brother contestants
I’ve lumped them all together, because I only know the names of two of them: Chanelle and Ziggy. Those two aside, there is nobody from this year’s wholly boring extravaganza that merits any remembrance. They’ve kept a bit of press, but now they’ve split up their story is going to wind down very quickly. Ziggy already seems to have vanished somewhat, which shows a common sense I can respect. Chanelle has proved to be much trickier to get rid of, which stands to reason: she’s a Wakefield lass. But her problem here is that she is no longer the most famous person from Wakefield – Ryan Jarman is quickly making tracks. He’s the lead singer of indie band The Cribs, and has started dating Kate Nash – plus, he’s funny and entertaining. Chanelle can offer neither a flighty musical partner, nor talent, and will thus fade into obscurity in 2008. Ah well, there’s always the Wakefield Christmas Lights Switch-On next year, Chaz!
08: Mika
I just really dislike his music. And unless he releases any new music in 2008, I can’t see how he’ll still be popular by this time next year.
07: Amy Winehouse
Who am I kidding? Amy isn’t leaving our papers. However, she currently stands over a very rocky precipice. This is the cliff, of course, of ‘creative talent’, that I refer to. As she stands by the edge, the wind of ‘media circus’ blows at her, as winds tend to, and if she continues to get in the press these wildly metaphorical gusts are going to blow her over. I am here referring, in the likely event you didn’t understand any of that incredibly forced image, to the fact that Amy Winehouse is still more famous for her voice than for her personal life. But more and more she is becoming a media star instead of a valuable asset to the British music scene, and she risks falling into the same trap Pete Doherty did, whereby her music loses all hope and becomes a waste of everyone’s time. She’s currently only one ill-judged comment about Israel (well, she is a nice Jewish girl after all) away from becoming no longer a star, and instead a pin-up for The Sun.
06: Jim Carrey
His star is fading, isn’t it? After years of being Hollywood’s biggest clown, ol’ Canadian rubberjaw is out of favour with the masses. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell, amongst others, are some of the many stars who have taken over comedy in cinema. Seriously, can you name Carrey’s most recent films? He was in that one where he played a madcap bank-robber, and then there was the one where he was a madcap evil uncle… oh wait, that film is two years old! There aren’t many gigs lined in for Jim Carrey, especially now that his latest project has been cancelled. Considering the fact that the WGA strike means there will be very few new films made in 2009, and this means it’s going to be a long time for us without a new Jim Carrey film. Will we need him anymore, now Judd Apatow rules us all?? Carrey has one left in the bank… but it’s a computer animation jobbie. Looking at the trailer for this new Dr Seuss-inspired yarn too, and you’ll notice someone else gets equal billing with him – Steve Carell. Oh-oh! Add to this the knowledge that he’s stopped lasciviously going around the blonde girls of America one at a time (well, hopefully one at a time). He’s found one he likes, and he’s settled down. So at the very same time his work has dried up, he’s also stopped being of any interest to the press. Things look grim for everyone’s favourite madcap actor!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)