EDIT: Britney's lawyers keep deleting any videos on Youtube which aren't "official". I shall explain my thoughts on this in Friday's post. For the moment, if you want to take part in this fun analysis, then open up
in a new window and watch it alongside this article.
0:07: Britney is naked in a sauna. The reason for this isn’t explained at any point during the rest of the video. The sauna appears to be a wide, open space with only a tiny amount of steam in it, and yet Britney is covered from head to toe in sweat. This is also not explained.
0:13: A face that will haunt you for weeks to come.
0:18: This is the man who will play the role of ‘cheating boyfriend” in the video. He is probably gay.
0:20: Britney cooks breakfast in a tiny shirt which completely exposes her bra to the World. This will doubtlessly cause dangerous in the event that she drops the pan, or if she cooks sausages and hot fat spits up at her. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, is completely naked and reading a newspaper, because this happens in real life. He is in threat of getting a papercut. The kitchen has black walls and a black floor, which makes the decision to have the kitchen table and chairs painted black questionable.
0:26: Britney’s boyfriend ignores the square egg that she has just cooked for him so he can check his calendar and check that it is still completely clear and that he has nothing going on. His refusal to accept the fact that his girlfriend has just performed a miracle Jesus would be proud of shows how self-centred he is.
0:29: In fact, he then performs a miracle of his own by getting all his clothes to fly on at once, just to spite her.
0:33: We have now moved to his workplace, and a woman arrives to take a drink at the fountain. One of the boyfriend’s work collegues spots her and points her out to the boyfriend.
0:38: But it turns out that this girl is really Britney in a black wig, and she starts doing a jerky dance routine with several of the other people who work at this office. It appears that this branch is populated by aspiring dancers who are working during the day to fund their night-classes.
0:48: We’ve hit the chorus, so we see sauna Britney telling nobody in particular (she is on her own in the sauna) that her boyfriend is a womaniser. It should be noted that by this point, the black-wigged Britney in the office is now slapping around the boyfriend and calling him a womaniser, too. She has only just arrived at this office, and all he’s done is look at her, but Britney takes this as a sign that he is a womaniser and so starts punishing him. This seems unfair and unjust, because this is a poor disguise and he
1:03: Britney seems unaware of what she’s singing about, because she smiles as she sings “I know just what you are.” She seems awfully proud of the fact that her boyfriend is a womaniser. Even though he isn’t.
1:15: The chorus is still going.
1:17: The boyfriend attempts to touch Britney’s bottom using both his hands. This is a move that no man has ever attempted on a woman before.
1:20: Britney pushes the boyfriend along on a chair while he preens for the camera. At this point, nothing makes sense anymore.
1:25: The office go back to the day-job, leaving only Britney and the boyfriend aware that a song is still going on. Meanwhile, Britney heads to the copy-machine, and he films her using his brand-name camera. Shiny BUY BUY.
1:33: Britney gives him a picture of her bottom, and then punches a hole through the middle. This scene doubtlessly makes for uncomfortable viewing for any woman who has gone through childbirth.
1:35: Britney throws boyfriend onto the copier. In the background – hey! It’s that guy Britney seduced on the plane in the ‘Toxic’ video! Didn’t that turn out to be a facemask that a blonde model was wearing, that she ripped off? How come he’s got the facemask back on, and is now working in an office?
1:38: Boyfriend returns to a business lunch with some friends, seemingly oblivious that a woman who looks just like his girlfriend has beaten him up in an office whilst singing.
1:41: Britney returns! This costume is more poorly-disguised, but certainly sluttier.
1:47: Redhead slut Britney starts giving the boyfriend a lapdance, and he’s into it despite the fact he’s a gay. She pulls him up by the tie and starts dancing round him.
1:55: The waitressing staff - who are working during the day so they can fund dance-classes – throw all their things in the air and join in the dancing.
2:00: The boyfriend patently ignores everything that Britney is singing, because he’s looking down her top while she calls him a womaniser. Again, her reasoning for this is questionable at best.
2:08: About fifteen people have gathered together at the bar to take part in a very dodgy-looking orgy scene. The waiters and waitresses start kissing. That the orgy exists only so Britney can then shout at her boyfriend later on is disturbing, but what’s worse is that after this, none of the staff at this restaurant will ever be able to look each other in the eyes again.
2:25: Boyfriend gets thrown onto a counter in a kitchen by Britney, who is strong and resilient. She mounts him, and he’s loving it, which gives him the chance to do a minor audition for porn films as he writhes in faked ecstasy and pretends she’s Tom Cruise.
2:33: Britney eats a cherry – but not the stalk – and then shows him that she tied the stalk into a knot. Using her psychic abilities.
2:36: The boyfriend up to this point has been dry-humped several times, but nothing bad has happened to him yet. He gets into a car only to find that Britney is the driver. If you’re wondering what she’s going to do to him, then you haven’t been paying attention.
2:43: Britney dry-humps her boyfriend. She steers the car with one shoe, which is freakin’ awesome.
2:53: We’re entering the part of every Britney song where she starts singing words in no coherent order, so we flash on many different things. Amongst them, we see boyfriend taking a shower, Britney flashing some leg in the car, the car driving itself because Britney is no longer at the wheel, and Britney watching her boyfriend shower.
3:03: Returning home, the boyfriend has been beaten there by Britney somehow, despite travelling there in the same car. She spins round and clothes fall off her, so she’s wearing the same outfit she was wearing at the start. She then proceeds to dry-hump the boyfriend into submission.
3:18: Britney stops dry humping him long enough to push him off the bed, and then follows this up by kicking him down some stairs. This guy has had a really weird day.
3:24: She throws him back onto the bed using only one hand, because she is a monster.
3:26: Another face that will scare even the bravest of little children.
3:31: He is now aware that Britney is going to do something to him, and looks as petrified as any right-thinking man should be, because Britney Spears is crazy. She might cover him in petrol, or stab him, or throw him off the building. Heck, in the Toxic video she poisoned that one guy. What is she going to do?
3:42: Surprisingly, no dry humping. Instead she drapes the bed sheets over him and walks away. Once the video is over, he will probably get out of bed, ask her what the hell is going on, and slap her around a little. Don’t womanise, men, or you might have the same fate.