The End!

Welcome To England! Part 1

So you’re wanting to learn all about England, eh? I bet you’re a little overwhelmed by all the different things which our nation has to offer, friend! Don’t worry, Wilftonville will give you the lowdown on what things are.

1:

What Is This Building?

This building is called a library.

What is it for?

A very popular activity in England is called ‘reading’. The main crux of this activity is looking at words written on paper and comprehending them. Through this act of comprehending words, Englanders learn new facts which were previously a mystery to them. As a general rule though, they check the back of the book first to see if it will tell them the truth, or if it will lie to them. A book filled with lies is called ‘fictional’. People like reading both lies and truths equally, and a library is the place they go to if they want to do so. Think of a library as being like one of those factory warehouses filled with food products. Instead of having row upon row of packaged beers and pastries, a library instead has row upon row of books stacked beside each other.

How Should I Use A Library?

Very quietly. Many people who read have sensitive bodies (this is a scientific fact), and will hear any noise committed in a library. So when you enter, take off your hat if you are wearing one and walk on tip-toe around the building. If you see a brightly coloured book you like, slowly take it off the shelf and sit down at a table. If you can find a table nobody else is sat at – sit there. Never sit at a table which is occupied by someone else, because this is an act of illegal aggression on your part. Open the book and read it at your leisure.

What If I Don’t Finish Reading?

You have to take your book to the counter and pay an extravagant fee. This is why everyone in a library looks so intense. If they do not finish comprehending their lies then they will have to pay for their weakness. In a situation where you are caught not finishing your story, you will have to have a photo taken of yourself which will be put on a “membership card”. You pay for this, and then are allowed to borrow the book for a small amount of time. Again though – if you do not finish your lies in time, the library-keepers will look for you and charge you more money for your mistake.

This Library-Keeper Threw Me Out!

That's because he is The Doctor. You accidentally walked into the Library Of The Dead. You should be grateful for his actions.

Wilftonville's Endless Year Of Awards: Worst Male Artist

Worst Male Artist

You think that you already know where this award is going, don’t you? You’re almost certain that I’m going to award this to one of the many acts who have already been disparaged in this column. Well, you’re totally wrong today. Give it three weeks and you’ll be right, but at the moment you’re wrong, because the award for worst male artist is heading off to Ben Folds, who released a new album in 2008 which was almost entirely awful.

The deep shame is that Ben Folds used to be one of my favourite artists – when he was back with his trio, the beautifully named “Ben Folds Five”, he released a fair few albums which I absolutely love. His early work was admirably shabby and student-chic, but then developed into some of the smartest and most brilliantly-produced work you’ll hear. And then he went solo, and his music slowly started to turn away from him. He has good solo songs, and each solo album has at least one worthwhile song on it, but ‘Way To Normal’ is an almost complete failure. The only good song on it is a duet with Regina Spektor, and everyone knows already that anything with Regina Spektor in is going to be fantastic. Because Regina herself is an excellent lady of appealing charm.

Above: Regina saves the day

That aside, the rest of the album is a smug, nasty, poorly-recording piece of work which is irritating and disappointing in equal, gigantic portions. It’s a massive shame to se someone throwing away his cachet in the way Folds has.

Awarded to: Ben Folds

You Monster! Why Joss Whedon Kills.... Kill #9

He killed Winifred Burkle!


Who Was She?

Oh shut up. You know who she was. Everyone knows about Fred. She was lovely and a mainstay of ‘Angel’ ever since the end of the second series. A scientist who had post-traumatic shock, she eventually overcame it to become a friendly person whom all the male cast seemed to have a crush on at some point in time, because she was really quite lovely. She was given a laboratory in the fifth season, and was lovely.


How Did She Die?

Fred was working in her shiny new laboratory when a coffin was brought in for her to investigate. When she touched it some dust flew up into the air, which slowly poisoned her. She burnt up from the inside and her soul was destroyed forever, so she didn’t get to go to Heaven either. And then her body became the host for an ancient demon who never left it. This happened approximately a week after she finally started dating a character who had been in love with her for the past three seasons. It turned out that the coffin had been sent to her by a co-worker who was in love with her. He turned out to also worship the ancient demon (called Illyria) and so when it came to picking a body for Illyria to take over he thought “I know! Fred should be this body!” So she was killed slowly and died in the arms of her new boyfriend because a co-worker had a crush on her and was mental and then her insides all melted as her skin became rock solid and her soul was eradicated and the shell of her body was used to house Illyria, a demon.

Did nobody hug you when you were a child, Joss?


Why Did She Die?

• “I got really pissed off with the show when they did that. It was cruel!”
• “I was heartbroken when she died!”
• “When Fred died I cried.”
• “Why didn’t they kill Gunn? He was so much more annoying!”

These are a small sample of the many people Joss Whedon made into enemies on that night he killed of Winifred Burkle. The many people who will, if provoked, rummage through their potting shed for a weapon which they can use as they charge to his house and demand he take back all the pain that’s been caused over the years. The emotional pain. The pain of loss and grief which humankind was only ever meant to feel when someone close to them dies or runs away with their roommate John to Bristol and I never get to hear form her again, you heartless bitch.

Why did Joss Whedon kill off Fred? And why did he do it in such a horrific way? We know that it wasn’t anything to do with actress Amy Acker, because when Illyria rose up out of Fred’s body Acker played this new role with brilliant relish. She stayed with the show until the last episode that they filmed, but was now bright blue and a lot angrier. Unlike in the past, when Joss has killed off an character because of something happening behind the scenes Fred’s death didn’t come about because of anything the actress did with the character. Heck, the character herself had only just started on a potential new storyline as she’d been paired up with another one of the cast, and the public had waited years to see this develop. Things were finally starting to happen.

Joss Whedon has a mantra, which rings true for a lot of his work: “it’s not what the audience want, it’s what the audience needs.” He won’t tell a story with a happy ending because he believes that this will lead to his plots growing stale. Instead, his cast must deal with disaster after disaster ruining their lives time and time again, until eventually they die. There’s no guarantee when they’ll die either: but no character in a Joss Whedon production can ever expect to be happy for more than a week (other than the character of ‘Spike’ for some reason, whom Joss promoted rapidly for no apparent reason because he was pretty awful). As a result of his mantra, it made perfect sense for him to kill off Fred as soon as she had finally reached a position where she could finally be happy. Because nobody should ever be happy! Once a character is happy they have completed their story and are no longer needed. Some writers would write happy characters out so they can sail into the sunset: Whedon kills them.

There was no setup for this, really. He didn’t foreshadow the incident particularly, so when Fred died it took viewers completely by surprised. She became ill at the start of the episode, and over the next forty minutes she died. The effect this had on the overall story is negligible, although it definitely affected the characterisation of the major cast. Fred’s death changed the characters a little (it destroyed the progress of Wesley, for example, who quickly went from brilliant to endlessly mopey as the final few episodes went on), and it finally gave Gunn something to do. But this could all have been done without killing off Fred. Death is a cheap motivator, but it’s one which almost always works on TV. And for as long as Whedon is able to create unpredictability on his shows through murdering members of the cast as random points, he’ll do it.

Acker’s character on Dollhouse looks to be similarly doomed, although time will tell on that. Perhaps he just likes writing death scenes for her?


Joss, You Monster! Rating:
10. You’re going to Hell, Whedon.

Changing M. Night Shyamalan's Twists

M. Night Shyamalan is a busy man. When he isn’t releasing a stream of films which always feature a twist ending of some sorts, he’s… wait. No. That’s all he does. And Wilftonville isn’t really fond of any of these twists either. It’s all very well and good having them, but at least have ones which are interesting and will entertain people. Over the next few months we’re going to review the endings of each of his films in turn, to see what twists he should have incorporated into the scripts. As such, expect spoilers.


The Sixth Sense:

In The Sixth Sense Bruce Willis plays a doctor whose newest patient, a small boy, can see ghosts. Rather than drown the child for being a witch, Bruce investigates further and then realises he is a ghost and the whole thing is a wind-up. The kid can only see him in the first place because he’s one of the ghosts he’s come to help the kid stop seeing! This is played for farce, and eventually the boy introduces Bruce to a lovely young woman (played by Jennifer Garner) and they fall in love. As Bruce is dead, he has to convince the woman to kill herself by whispering in her ear so she thinks she’s crazy. Evrentually she takes an electric drill to her brain, and she and Bruce live happy ever after. In the ever after.

That’s well boring. Here’s how we think the film should end.


Haley Joel Osment: I can see dead people.

Bruce Willis: I know. Even though it’s impossible, I accept the fact that you can see dead people. Frankly, I find it creepy.

J-JO: Do you want to know my secret?

BW: The seeing dead people thing isn’t your secret?

J-LO: Don’t you wonder how I’m able to see dead people?

BW: I assumed you had spent lengthy periods of time around radiation.

J-LO: No, Bruce. I can see dead people because I am a Werewolf.

BW: Oh.

J-LO: Yeah.

BW: Well that explains everything to my satisfaction. I’m going to go solve my marriage problems now.

J-LO: Alright. See you later, Bruce!

BW: You alright, kid! You alright. Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mother Flipper.

The 100 Greatest TV Show Characters (Part 10)

55: Xena: Joxer (Ted Raimi)
Joxer the Mighty
He's very tidy
Everyone admires him
He's so handsome it's a sin
When you're in jeopardy
Don't call the cavalry
There's a better remedy
(Although he doesn't work for free)
He's every man's trusty,
He's every woman's fantasy,
Plus he's goo-oood company
He's Joxer—I'm Joxer the Mighty!


54: Firefly: Jayne Cobb (Adam Baldwin)
Every single character on Firefly apart from Book (you are RUBBISH, Shephard Book) was fun to watch up on the small screen. Jayne Cobb is no exception, being a self-serving bastard who is sticking around with the rest of the characters on their tiny little spacecraft only until he gets a better deal somewhere else. He has no regard for any of the others, so long as he ends up with a paycheque at the end of each job they take and somewhere to sleep. And also, guns. He was a big fan of guns. Adam Baldwin took this snide character and gave him no pathos at all, and yet still made the public like him. Jayne had respect for only a few members of the crew, but Baldwin managed to convey this very subtly – so when Joss Whedon eventually made an episode which hinged around this (I’m thinking of the superb scene featuring Mal and Jayne in the airlock, and will say no more of it to anyone who hasn’t seen) it all came spilling out and felt natural instead of forced. That single scene was what propelled Jayne into this list. Adam Baldwin is much more versatile as an actor than he is given credit for.


53: My Name Is Earl: Randy Hickey (Ethan Suplee)
At the time this list was being written, which is something close to two years ago My Name Is Earl was still seen as one of the bigger comedy shows around. Having Jason Lee play the main character helped with this of course, because Jason Lee is an insanely talented person, but the real stars of the show turned out to be the supporting cast. From Jaime Pressly’s white-trash squawking mother to her boyfriend, who is called… Crabman, there is nary a dud in there. Most of all, there is a massive winner in the form of Ethan Suplee’s character, Randy Hickey. Earl’s brother Randy is not smart or particularly agile, and may in fact be the closest thing to Winnie The Pooh ever seen in real-life TV. He is a big bumbling fool, but the sort of bumbling fool that most people would want to hug. There isn’t a bad bone in his body (most of the time) and he just wants things to be silly, because he’s barely developed mentally. It’s encouraging.


52: Will and Grace: Jack Walker (Sean Hayes)
Everyone needs an intensely annoying camp-gay stereotype in their lives. I know that I certainly have one! But for all those people out there who are missing out on their fix of gay-o-rama look no further than Will & Grace. Nobody liked the two main characters – well, maybe Will had his moments, but Grace was infuriating – and the show quickly honed in on the two characters of Jack and Karen. They took over proceedings entirely, with Sean Hayes’ unabashedly madcap character filling every scene he was in with shrieking, enthusiasm, and irritating quips. More often than not he was hateable, but he was insistently watchable. With him on the screen, none of the other cast members could get a look-in. Karen was better, but Jack was undeniably eye-catching.


51: The American Office: Pam (Jenna Fischer)
The Office is a reactive show rather than a show where the characters make things happen for themselves. Due to the nature of the program none of the cast can ever really change their status quo in a memorable way, which you’d think would mean that they’re less interesting. No! Pam the receptionist – called Dawn in the original, remember, and played by Lucy Davis – is a lovely character, and effortlessly adorable. This is mostly due to the talents of Jenna Fischer, who has managed to pitch herself as the girl of any man’s dreams whilst seeming like a real, broken person and not a wish-fulfilment fantasy. When you watch a sitcom and some of the characters exist simply so they can be romantic interest, they are almost always annoying and feel misplaced. Pam from The Office feels like an integral part of the show, and that’s no mean feat.

X-MEN #170

X-MEN #170
Golgotha Part 5: Fall-Out”

Featuring: Havok, Rogue, Polaris, Emma Frost, Gambit, Wolverine and Iceman.

This issue is going to be a pain to recap(itulate? ture? I don’t know what recap is short for), because it’s almost definitely the single worst issue Milligan wrote for the X-Men. If you remember the team were recently besieged by giant fungus creatures called ‘Golgotha’ which fed off thoughts and made them realise their worst fears. Well, just as they managed to kill off the last Golgotha on Earth, a whole herd of them began to swarn towards Earth from space. We start the issue with Emma Frost trying to persuade a US general to let the X-Men deal with the swarm, but the president is apparently very happy about the idea of having a war – I’m guessing this was written during Bush’s time in power. Good ol’ Blighty writers! – with aliens, and rejects them. Polaris and Emma start complaining at him until he gives in, and gives them a week to stop the Golgotha. Cut to a splash of a space shuttle taking off.

So now we’re in space, Emma counts the number of aliens to be destroyed – three hundred and sixty two! Lorna starts feeling a bit uncomfortable with the mission, and Iceman tells her that she can stay back if she wants. Havok, of course, is a prick about it and insists she forms the main part of the attack, along with himself. Meanwhile, Wolverine stands back and mutters darkly to himself. Havok sees this as the perfect time for an inspirational speech, and discusses all the slightly mad things (“crazy” says Lorna) they’ve done over the past few days. He thinks they should pretend that none of it ever happened. Way to go, Havok.

Rogue and Gambit, who in this issue are actually quite sweet together, are standing by a big window. She asks him for a glass of water, and he vanishes for a page – therefore getting to miss all of Havok’s speech. The rest of the team agree that it would be for the best to forget everything – apart from Wolverine, who just grunts. Perhaps he’s devolving. Iceman says “Compared to you guys, I’m like a picture of mental health,” which seems a bit cruel with Lorna standing next to him. I wish Iceman would die. Gazer, who lives on the satellite they’re currently in, appears and Emma introduces him to the others. Gambit reappears with a glass of water for Rogue. Aww. Gazer tells them about the satellite, and how his mutant power allows him to withstand the massive amounts of radiation which is prevalent on the satellite. Havok starts to complain, but Gazer cuts him off, and asks if anyone wants to play chess. Gazer is amusingly befuddled. The team decide to put on their suits and get on with it.

As they do so, Gambit apologises to Rogue, and she accepts it. They put on their helmets and blow kisses to each other. Wolverine, on the other hand, isn’t sure why he’s there – the claws aren’t much use in space, really. Havok tells him that it’s because he is a born leader, and has experience. Logan worries is that’s just another word for “senior citizen”, but Alex assures him that Wolverine can’t ever grow old. He’s always going to be The Wolverine. He then tells Rogue to absorb some of his powers in prep for the fight, and with that they leave the satellite. Havok leads the way, and tells them all not to think too much – “should be second nature to you, Iceman”, brilliant – but Lorna tells him off for being too hard on Bobby. You can never be too hard on Bobby, Lorna. He’s an idiot.

Iceman, Polaris and Lorna start bickering and it’s quite confusing to tell what’s going on, but Gambit gets irritated at Iceman for shirking his duty, so all is as you’d expect. The Golgotha swarm, but the team see them off without too much difficulty. Suddenly Havok and Lorna vanish. Iceman panics, and even Wolverine starts to get nervous at their absence, and wonders if this is part of Havok’s plan to get her on her own. Wolverine and Iceman continue explaining their theory to Emma, who gets very irritated with the pair of them, but then Wolverine decides to make a break for it and see if he can find them. Again, it’s next to impossible to work out what’s actually going on in at the moment. Before Logan can go anywhere though, the Golgotha all explode simultaneously. Emma guesses this must be some kind of hive mentality, and Wolverine calls her on making up her theories as she goes along. She smiles and agrees.

From out of the massive explosion come Polaris and Havok, and the X-Men all float together in a circle. Havok is mad that the rest of the team all thought he was trying to take Lorna for himself in a suicide pact, Wolverine tells him to forget about it. Giant space fear-monsters, and all that. The last Golgotha starts to sneak away. Iceman asks Lorna is she’s alright, but she seems traumatised. “It looked right at me…” she mutters, before she blasts the last Golgotha to pieces. Iceman pushes her on what she saw, but sh shrugs him off. She doesn’t want to talk about it. With a smile, she asks if they can get back indoors now.

On the way back home, Emma reveals that the only reason they were allowed into space in the first place is because the General assumed they’d all get killed, and thus there’d be seven less mutants to worry about. “You chose not to share this with us?” Wolverine asks. Emma says that she didn’t want them having negative thoughts before they went into battle. That made me laugh.

Back at the White House, the mutant-hating general has been impressed by the team’s work. He asks the President if they should really keep this a secret from the World. The President replies “I got nothing against these people personally… but that doesn’t mean I want to turn them into heroes.” Oh, George!


Thoughts:

The character stuff at the start was really fun, but the scenes of battle were utterly confusing and impossible to understand. This is probably the fault of both Milligan and Larocca, but Larocca doesn’t make any real attempt to differentiate the X-Men spacesuits, so it’s hard to see who is saying what. It’s a silly, overdone ending to a story which probably never needed to exist. This should’ve been dedicated to clearing up the last issue, but instead we got a space story that didn’t work. Shame, that.