Friday, 8 April 2011

Reasons We Should Expect The Giants To Attack Us #1

Noticed all those dead birds recently? If you’re the kind of person who enjoys leaving the house, you’ll have noticed by now that there are dead birds lying everywhere, just scattered dead on the floor like tiny bird-shaped corpse presents. What’s with all the dead birds, you guys? It’s a sign that the Giants are returning, is the answer. Why are they a sign that the Giants are returning? Let us answer that. Let us tell you why they are evidence that the Giants are returning.

We’re talkin’ about golden eggs, yo. It’s an expensive life, being a Giant, and there are very few careers which ask for applicants to be monstrously tall. As a matter of fact, most businesses actively discriminate against the gargantuan. As a result Giants have switched their attention to magic, and attain all their wealth exclusively from the golden egg business. While there is the odd fruity Giant who makes his money from Golden Harp Recitals, by and large (if you’ll excuse the pun), Giants rely on golden nuggets for their day-to-day financing.

The problem is that in our current economic and environmental climate, such fowls no longer exist. Evolution and capitalism at work, people! So when the Giants do finally return, they’re going to need to find new birds to fire out Golden Eggs for them. Birds worldwide, having sensed that the return of the Giants is imminent, are all about the immortality. They want to live forever and become famous, guardians of golden gander gifts, and so they’re straining and straining and forcing themselves into producing gold eggs.

The trouble is that only select birds are able to tap into the magics which allow them to produce golden eggs, and the majority of them are doomed to failure. Gold is notoriously difficult to spontaneously create, and birds are typically unfamiliar with the periodic table. Thusly, too often we are seeing birds create granite eggs which weigh them down. Too heavy to fly anymore, they hurtle down to Earth in this thousands, dying instantly upon impact.

Now, I’m not a Scientist, but this sounds irrefutable to me. The moment a sparrow succeeds in turning their yolk into gold? The Giants will return.

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