[Earlier this year I put a site tracker onto Wilftonville, just for a week, and I found out that a surprising majority of readers come from the Down Undah’ (is that how you write it?). So… this one’s for you, Australia!]
Australian Rules Football
The National Sport Of: Australia
What Is It?
Having previously slighted American Rules Football for being wimpy at best, I’ll have to stand down a little. Aussie Rules Football is based around the rules of rugby, just like American Football is - but in the case of the Australians the sport isn’t toned down (wussified) at all. If anything, they add an extra layer of unpredictable violence into proceedings. Australian Rules football may not be football, but it certainly is a sport only the Australians could ever have invented.
The rules are almost simple. Two teams of eighteen (seriously? Eighteen? That’s insane!) take to the field, and stand essentially wherever they want before kickoff starts. The ball – a rugby ball – is thrown into play, and the madness then begins. The ball can be passed by punching it or kicking it, which adds credence to my belief this game was designed to appeal to the inner convict present in every Australian, but not through throwing. That makes it quite different from rugby, then. Also, if a player decides to run with the ball then they have to bounce it on the ground every fifteen metres. No trouble, except this is an oval rugby ball and they play on terrain which is typically slightly less well maintained than Wembley. On top of all that, the players from the other team (don’t forget; there are eighteen of them gunning for you once you grab the ball) can get it back off you by tackling you. Aussie rules are just like British ones in that the players aren’t given any protective gear – except, lord hopes, a cup – so when a player gets tackled they’re going to feel it.
There are four posts on each side of the pitch, and if a player can kick the ball between the two most middle posts then the team gains six points. If the ball misses and goes between a middle and outer post, or if the kick completely spastics out and hits a post, only one point is scored. In that respect, Aussie rules thus rewards even the sloppiest of players. After eighty minutes of killing each other, spread over four twenty-minute sections, the players are called in and go off for a barbeque and lager. Fosters, mate.
Why Doesn’t Britain Care?
Everything about Aussie rules seems to suggest that Britain would love the sport, if they could only get past that first word of the name. “Australian”. Y’see, that’s the problem for us all. When it comes to sport, the last thing we want to see is a participating Australian. As far as any Brit is concerned, the national hobby of Australia is “beating Britain” (of course, we get the occasional upset – an Ashes win here, maybe a Rugby World Cup on home turf after a last minute drop goal C’MON Jonny Wilkinson or an Olympics Medal Table that surprised even us, but typically we tend to lose to those bastards). If we play cricket, then those dirty Aussies will undermine the entire point of us shipping them abroad in the first place by beating us. Likewise with most other sports – Australia have a naturally tendency to be just that little bit better than us Brits, and that really rubs us up the wrong way sometimes. Grr, and all that.
So the reason why we don’t play any Australian sports like that, nor care about any Australians who do? Because if we give them any attention at all, then they’ll almost certainly change the names for all their teams to stuff like “The Pom-Bashers” and “The Limey-Toppers”. And help us, we find it difficult enough as it is to win at sports we invented against them – how would we ever compete if we played a sport against them that they’ve had years of practise with?
Showing posts with label Spastics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spastics. Show all posts
Friday, 10 October 2008
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
How To Make Bird Soup
Bird Soup
Introduction – Faintly twee praise for Bird Soup
Bird Soup is a delicious and inpoisonous brew* that will serve 2-4 people, unless you live with vegetarians, in which case it will serve 1 person. If you yourself are a vegetarian, then you have come to the wrong website, commie. It is to be served fresh and hot, so that the taste is not damaged through storage. Bird Soup is unsuitable for cannibals of the human, alligator, or hyena variety. Birds are not naturally prone to cannibalism, but are advised that Bird Soup should be their first taste of their own race, were they ever to grow curious. All other forms of bird-related nourishment are inadequate and illegitimate,
Ingredients – What medicines go into Bird Soup
One Bird (deceased)
Salt
Pepper (large mill)
One handful of birdseed
Method – How Bird Soup gets made
Step 1:
Take a bowl.
Step 2:
This is the bowl where you will put your bird soup once it is cooked.
Step 3:
Have you got the bowl yet?
Step 4:
Unscrew the top of your window, but leave the pane in place.
Step 5:
Take the handful of birdseed and place it in your hand. If your hand is full, then you have collected enough birdseed for the recipe to continue without issue. Look out of your window upon yon garden of yours and hold up the hand which has a handful of birdseed in it (not the hand which has a handful of hand in it though, tee-hee!)
Step 6:
Wait until you see a bird in your garden, and quickly gain its affection and trust by giving it a few grains of the birdseed you have. You will no longer have a handful of birdseed after this step of the recipe, so if you fail you are advised to go back to step 5 and try again. Once the bird is duly won over by your gracious charm, start walking across the length of the window. The bird will follow you.
Step 7:
The bird is now mesmerised, so you should take steps away from the window. The bird will mirror your movements and step back from his or her side of the window accordingly.
Step 8:
Run quickly at the window but stop just before you hit it. The bird will imitate, but will not have the forewarning to stop before she or he hits the window (unless you come across a bird with the notional ability to read your mind. If this happens, head back to step 5). There will be a dull thud as the bird hits the window and then explodes, as is the natural instinct of all birds when faced with danger.
Step 9:
Pull the window out with the liquidated remains of bird and carry it through to your kitchen, and place it in a saucepan and allow to simmer on a high heat (bird blood is naturally resistant to heat and thus needs to be cooked at a higher temperature than human blood) for approximately eighteen minutes.
Step 10:
Why not watch an episode of Arrested Development while you wait for your Bird Soup to prepare?
Step 11:
Your bird soup will stop making feeble, desiccated squawking noises once fully ready for consumption. Pout it out into the bowl.
Step 12:
OH MY GOD DID YOU FORGET THE BOWL? GET ONE NOW, YOU SPASTIC!!
Step 13:
Take a spoon, knife, fork, and primitive hammer with you as you proceed to the dining room. Supply all guests eating Bird Soup with the same implements.
Step 14:
Enjoy!
It really is as easy as all that! And so scrummy! If you can’t eat all of the Bird Soup at this one sitting, then it will still taste just as great cold. Why not put it in a packed lunch for your children?** They’ll be sure you appreciate the effort you’ve made!
*Recipe is unsuitable for use with the following birds: parrot, hummingbird, Andrew, ostrich, emu, pheasant, cockatoo, Big.
**All of the Bird Soup must be eaten within four days of the original explosion, or the bird will reform minus the parts which have been consumed and embark on a rampage of revenge.
Introduction – Faintly twee praise for Bird Soup
Bird Soup is a delicious and inpoisonous brew* that will serve 2-4 people, unless you live with vegetarians, in which case it will serve 1 person. If you yourself are a vegetarian, then you have come to the wrong website, commie. It is to be served fresh and hot, so that the taste is not damaged through storage. Bird Soup is unsuitable for cannibals of the human, alligator, or hyena variety. Birds are not naturally prone to cannibalism, but are advised that Bird Soup should be their first taste of their own race, were they ever to grow curious. All other forms of bird-related nourishment are inadequate and illegitimate,
Ingredients – What medicines go into Bird Soup
One Bird (deceased)
Salt
Pepper (large mill)
One handful of birdseed
Method – How Bird Soup gets made
Step 1:
Take a bowl.
Step 2:
This is the bowl where you will put your bird soup once it is cooked.
Step 3:
Have you got the bowl yet?
Step 4:
Unscrew the top of your window, but leave the pane in place.
Step 5:
Take the handful of birdseed and place it in your hand. If your hand is full, then you have collected enough birdseed for the recipe to continue without issue. Look out of your window upon yon garden of yours and hold up the hand which has a handful of birdseed in it (not the hand which has a handful of hand in it though, tee-hee!)
Step 6:
Wait until you see a bird in your garden, and quickly gain its affection and trust by giving it a few grains of the birdseed you have. You will no longer have a handful of birdseed after this step of the recipe, so if you fail you are advised to go back to step 5 and try again. Once the bird is duly won over by your gracious charm, start walking across the length of the window. The bird will follow you.
Step 7:
The bird is now mesmerised, so you should take steps away from the window. The bird will mirror your movements and step back from his or her side of the window accordingly.
Step 8:
Run quickly at the window but stop just before you hit it. The bird will imitate, but will not have the forewarning to stop before she or he hits the window (unless you come across a bird with the notional ability to read your mind. If this happens, head back to step 5). There will be a dull thud as the bird hits the window and then explodes, as is the natural instinct of all birds when faced with danger.
Step 9:
Pull the window out with the liquidated remains of bird and carry it through to your kitchen, and place it in a saucepan and allow to simmer on a high heat (bird blood is naturally resistant to heat and thus needs to be cooked at a higher temperature than human blood) for approximately eighteen minutes.
Step 10:
Why not watch an episode of Arrested Development while you wait for your Bird Soup to prepare?
Step 11:
Your bird soup will stop making feeble, desiccated squawking noises once fully ready for consumption. Pout it out into the bowl.
Step 12:
OH MY GOD DID YOU FORGET THE BOWL? GET ONE NOW, YOU SPASTIC!!
Step 13:
Take a spoon, knife, fork, and primitive hammer with you as you proceed to the dining room. Supply all guests eating Bird Soup with the same implements.
Step 14:
Enjoy!
It really is as easy as all that! And so scrummy! If you can’t eat all of the Bird Soup at this one sitting, then it will still taste just as great cold. Why not put it in a packed lunch for your children?** They’ll be sure you appreciate the effort you’ve made!
*Recipe is unsuitable for use with the following birds: parrot, hummingbird, Andrew, ostrich, emu, pheasant, cockatoo, Big.
**All of the Bird Soup must be eaten within four days of the original explosion, or the bird will reform minus the parts which have been consumed and embark on a rampage of revenge.
Monday, 19 May 2008
Reviving “Spastic”
I’m currently involved in a few different campaigns, several of which have stemmed from this very blog here. Among other things, I’m currently waiting for Robert Mugabe to accept my challenge of a fist-fight, pushing my religion “Vagueism” for tax breaks from the Government, and debating the need for Jenny Lewis to marry anyone else while I’m still here. Well I’m going to put on my campaign trousers again, friends, because I’ve discovered another cause which I feel is vital and worthy.
Bring back the word “spastic”.
Now I realise that in the past the word “spastic” was used to refer to people with disabilities, and was a mean-spirited slur which was highly offensive to people. The word was created after the medical condition spasticity; which refers to people with tight joints. Cerebral palsy is one of the diseases which is in part caused by, or features as a symptom, spasticity. To help people who suffered from this, the Spastic Society was formed, but this term quickly became a tool for the general public (or at the very least, children of the general public) to attack people who annoyed them. “You spastic” or “you spacker” (a derivation of the term caused in no small way by Blue Peter – seriously) became a common insult on the playground, used on people who weren’t very athletic, or when somebody did something that was perceived to be silly.
To combat this the Spastics Society changed their name to SCOPE in 1994, which effectively shut down the term as an insult against the disabled. Although some people continued to use the term, it had lost all meaning and became effectively worthless as an insult. To call someone a spastic now has no effect, because people with learning disabilities are no longer looked after by the Spastics Society. It’s like “ITV digital” – gone. Kaput. There’s no use for the word anymore.
And I want to change this. I like the feel of the word spastic, the spelling, the way it sounds when you say it. I want to revive the word spastic and give it a meaning once again, a meaning which will obviously have nothing to do with people who have learning disabilities but will instead be focused on the general silliness that it causes. For the word spastic, in my opinion, sounds like a word to describe a friend who is messing around and being funny. Someone who is spastic shall from now on be someone who is inadvertently funny. I’m reclaiming the word from the icy void it was sent to, giving it meaning and purpose in the world, and I strongly urge you to join me. Together we shall make spastic a word to be proud of! If we all work together, then we can do it.
Bring back the word “spastic”.
Now I realise that in the past the word “spastic” was used to refer to people with disabilities, and was a mean-spirited slur which was highly offensive to people. The word was created after the medical condition spasticity; which refers to people with tight joints. Cerebral palsy is one of the diseases which is in part caused by, or features as a symptom, spasticity. To help people who suffered from this, the Spastic Society was formed, but this term quickly became a tool for the general public (or at the very least, children of the general public) to attack people who annoyed them. “You spastic” or “you spacker” (a derivation of the term caused in no small way by Blue Peter – seriously) became a common insult on the playground, used on people who weren’t very athletic, or when somebody did something that was perceived to be silly.
To combat this the Spastics Society changed their name to SCOPE in 1994, which effectively shut down the term as an insult against the disabled. Although some people continued to use the term, it had lost all meaning and became effectively worthless as an insult. To call someone a spastic now has no effect, because people with learning disabilities are no longer looked after by the Spastics Society. It’s like “ITV digital” – gone. Kaput. There’s no use for the word anymore.
And I want to change this. I like the feel of the word spastic, the spelling, the way it sounds when you say it. I want to revive the word spastic and give it a meaning once again, a meaning which will obviously have nothing to do with people who have learning disabilities but will instead be focused on the general silliness that it causes. For the word spastic, in my opinion, sounds like a word to describe a friend who is messing around and being funny. Someone who is spastic shall from now on be someone who is inadvertently funny. I’m reclaiming the word from the icy void it was sent to, giving it meaning and purpose in the world, and I strongly urge you to join me. Together we shall make spastic a word to be proud of! If we all work together, then we can do it.
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