Tuesday, 22 July 2008

How To Make Bird Soup

Bird Soup

IntroductionFaintly twee praise for Bird Soup

Bird Soup is a delicious and inpoisonous brew* that will serve 2-4 people, unless you live with vegetarians, in which case it will serve 1 person. If you yourself are a vegetarian, then you have come to the wrong website, commie. It is to be served fresh and hot, so that the taste is not damaged through storage. Bird Soup is unsuitable for cannibals of the human, alligator, or hyena variety. Birds are not naturally prone to cannibalism, but are advised that Bird Soup should be their first taste of their own race, were they ever to grow curious. All other forms of bird-related nourishment are inadequate and illegitimate,

IngredientsWhat medicines go into Bird Soup

One Bird (deceased)
Pepper (large mill)
One handful of birdseed

MethodHow Bird Soup gets made

Step 1:
Take a bowl.

Step 2:
This is the bowl where you will put your bird soup once it is cooked.

Step 3:
Have you got the bowl yet?

Step 4:
Unscrew the top of your window, but leave the pane in place.

Step 5:
Take the handful of birdseed and place it in your hand. If your hand is full, then you have collected enough birdseed for the recipe to continue without issue. Look out of your window upon yon garden of yours and hold up the hand which has a handful of birdseed in it (not the hand which has a handful of hand in it though, tee-hee!)

Step 6:
Wait until you see a bird in your garden, and quickly gain its affection and trust by giving it a few grains of the birdseed you have. You will no longer have a handful of birdseed after this step of the recipe, so if you fail you are advised to go back to step 5 and try again. Once the bird is duly won over by your gracious charm, start walking across the length of the window. The bird will follow you.

Step 7:
The bird is now mesmerised, so you should take steps away from the window. The bird will mirror your movements and step back from his or her side of the window accordingly.

Step 8:
Run quickly at the window but stop just before you hit it. The bird will imitate, but will not have the forewarning to stop before she or he hits the window (unless you come across a bird with the notional ability to read your mind. If this happens, head back to step 5). There will be a dull thud as the bird hits the window and then explodes, as is the natural instinct of all birds when faced with danger.

Step 9:
Pull the window out with the liquidated remains of bird and carry it through to your kitchen, and place it in a saucepan and allow to simmer on a high heat (bird blood is naturally resistant to heat and thus needs to be cooked at a higher temperature than human blood) for approximately eighteen minutes.

Step 10:
Why not watch an episode of Arrested Development while you wait for your Bird Soup to prepare?

Step 11:
Your bird soup will stop making feeble, desiccated squawking noises once fully ready for consumption. Pout it out into the bowl.

Step 12:

Step 13:
Take a spoon, knife, fork, and primitive hammer with you as you proceed to the dining room. Supply all guests eating Bird Soup with the same implements.

Step 14:

It really is as easy as all that! And so scrummy! If you can’t eat all of the Bird Soup at this one sitting, then it will still taste just as great cold. Why not put it in a packed lunch for your children?** They’ll be sure you appreciate the effort you’ve made!

*Recipe is unsuitable for use with the following birds: parrot, hummingbird, Andrew, ostrich, emu, pheasant, cockatoo, Big.

**All of the Bird Soup must be eaten within four days of the original explosion, or the bird will reform minus the parts which have been consumed and embark on a rampage of revenge.


  1. i agree, this IS the most surreal blog entry u have made.

    Nicely done!

    I only wish i could appreciate ur soup. But i'm a bird, and im not interesting in cannibalism. Not one bit!

  2. Step 8 was priceless. *laugh* Good stuff.

    Mind you, bird soup may be quick and easy, but 15-year-old-thai-prostitute-BBQ is so worth the time and effort.

  3. When I find your wife I will tell her she needs to be able to prepare this delightful dish.

    Please don't try this in university accomodation; the powers that be there are so closed-minded about such things.