Ten Other Comics Waiting for an XXX Porn Adaptation

Apparently if you put the words “an xxx porn parody” after something, you aren’t infringing any copyrights whatsoever. That is, according to the porn industry, which has recently made films as diverse as “Seinfeld: An XXX Parody” to “The Office: An XXX Parody” (sadly, no Ricky Gervais cameo) in an attempt to fight back against the evil anonymous force of the internet, which has stolen all their viewers. The most recent properties to be ‘flattered’ with a porn parody have all been comic-books, however, which is odd and interesting and also really weird. There has been a Batman one, a Superman one, and next on the list will be an Incredible Hulk one. Which, that’s a terrifying thought if they’re hoping to put that onto the big screen.

Well, we here at Wilftonville have never been afraid to help an underdog, so we’ve picked out ten other comics we think could make for bestselling porn films. You’re welcome, porn industry! Now, try to stop exploiting and degrading women so often, yeah?

1. Fables

Fables takes all the most well-known fairytale characters and sets them in contemporary New York, living as a community. Characters like Prince Charming, Rapunzel and Pinocchio all live in the same area, with Cinderella running the local shoe shop. Obviously! The series sees the characters try to keep their community safe from the outside world, whilst bickering and getting into scrapes with each other. This isn’t for kids, either – there’s regular violence and swearing. Goldilocks, in particular, has a fierce potty mouth. The series would be great for porn because the main relationship is between Snow White and Bigby Wolf (the Big Bad Wolf, now in human form). The porn industry has forgotten its roots – weirdos. Get a guy to wear a wolf costume, get a girl to put on a princess gown, and watch as the hits rack up from disturbing people who live near zoos and enjoy walking in forests. “Furries” are out there, I’ve read the Wikipedia page about them. Appeal to that market, and you’ll be back on your feet in no time, porn industry!

2. Doctor Doom

Marvel and DC comics have both experimented before with letting their villains take centre stage, with Dark Reign and the One Year Gap respectively. Both times, this proved to be a success, as comic-book fans like the villains just as much (if not more, sometimes) than the heroes. And who is more popular a villain than Doctor Doom? One of the worries with porn is that men will turn off if the male lead looks either too handsome, not handsome enough, or the wrong race (hey, I’m just repeating what the market research said). Doctor Doom wears a mask. PROBLEM SOLVED! The paranoid, bisexual, and racist demographics all sync into perfect harmony!

3. Tamara Drew

Basically already been done, this. Heyyyyyyyyy, Gemma Arterton!

4. The Invisibles

See, the only people who will find this idea funny are people who have read The Invisibles. We’re narrowing down our demographic! Seriously, though, google up images of the team of look them up on Wikipedia. This would make for a terrifying porno.

5. The Flash

See, I’m getting things back on track with a joke everyone can understand. The sex scenes… would not last long.

6. Phonogram

A series set in Britain, Phonogram centres on a re-evaluation of the Brit-Pop scene of the nineties, with a main character who spends several issues trying to work out the appeal of bands like Echobelly and hanging around in clubs where he might meet female Manic Street Preachers fans. If the XXX parody wants to stay close to the original, it’s best that it all be filmed in black and white, and feature a scene in which Damon Albarn looks on in nonchalant disinterest as the reanimated spirit of Britannia gets it on with a coked-up Kenickie fan. We imagine this would be a very popular film with hipsters and readers of The AV Club.

7. Hellboy

Never mind that the three main males are a big red demon, a fish creature, and the ghostly essence of Johann Kraus, and the main female character is unable to control her ability to light herself on fire. I’m sure we could invent some supporting characters who can have sex in-between scenes of Hellboy shooting monsters and chain-smoking.

8. The Walking Dead

Could be gross. Don’t get carried away, scriptwriters.

9. Animal Man

As the film goes on, the main character becomes more and more aware of the fact that he is in a porn film, and eventually tries to escape through the television screen.

10. Anything by Garth Ennis or Mark Millar

Why have an XXX parody where all the sex is consensual?

I Will Be Friends With You, Big Oil

There are a lot of complaints about Big Oil recently. From newspapers to TV shows and even in courtrooms and parliaments, Big Oil has widely been criticised by those in the know, because they always seem to make friends with one or the other of the candidates for Prime Minister, or Mayor, or President. People say that because these candidates are friends with Big Oil, they are corrupt and nasty and shouldn’t be allowed any power at all. I want to know: what’s so bad about Big Oil?

This mostly happens in America, because I think pointing out flaws in others and ignoring their own is a very American thing to do (sorry, American readers! I love your fast food chains!((like Subways!))) They look at John McCain and they say “oh, he’s friends with Big Oil, we shouldn’t vote for him because he just wants to destroy the World with his friend Big Oil”.

Then they look at Barrack Obama and they say “boy, Barrack Obama sure is dreamy." “Barrack Obama? No! He’s friends with Big Oil!” chimes in someone from the background, who is usually cast in shadow.
“Oh noes!” cries original talker. “Not Big Oil! I now believe him to be a secret Muslim, for apparently this is something which America does not wish their president to be. Is there still time to vote for Hillary?”

In each and every case, the issue people have seems to be that Big Oil is bad and wants what is worst for the World. But that can’t be true, can it? The worst for the World is that we are invaded by a colony of flying unicorns who take over and jab us all with spikes and turns toilet paper into nettles with their magic eye-beams and then blow up the World once they get bored. This is what is worst for the World, and Big Oil would not want this to happen! I don’t know Big Oil, but I know that Big Oil is something to do with Oil, and if the World were run by evil Unicorns with botched plastic surgery, who would dig up oil? Nobody, that’s who.

Big Oil, I think, is probably very nice once you get to know it. The way that everybody automatically assumes that Big Oil is bad is racist, in the same way as the assumption that Irish people are only good for building motorways or that The Smiths only made depressing music. These are all lies, and should be made illegal. Big Oil may be ‘big’, but is that any reason to always get on at it? Our society is made up of thin people who like to look down on big people, just because they don’t gorge themselves on food constantly and do exercise to make sure they remain healthy. It is sick. We need to be more tolerant – because do you know what big means? Cuddly. Everyone likes fat people, because they are the best at hugging. They latch on to you with their grippy hands and refuse to let go. You can feel their positive wobbling against your chest as you embrace them, and they are warm like cow pie. It is a nice feeling.

Big people also like to give you some of their sweets, because big people are always jolly. Hurley from LOST is a big guy, but he is jolly and friendly at the same time. So is Santa. Playing by the rule of three, Big Oil should be no different at all! Also, everybody likes oil: .




It is fun and lets us drive in cars and helicopters and cook food and do all sorts of things. Big Oil, I know you’re out there right now, and feeling really lonely. I am here for you, Big Oil. Let me hug away the fear for you, and we can become good friends and go on holidays everywhere all the time. You are Big, but I am Averagely-Sized, and I think we would make a dynamic duo, just like Bat-mite and Batman. Or Laurel and Hardy.

In the second comparison, I would be Laurel. You don’t need Brown or Cameron or WhoeverLeadsTheLiberalDemocrats or Obama or McCain. You got a friend in me! I will ask Randy Newman to sing a song for us, and then we can talk about the future. I think you might have a Big one.

Seven Reasons I Don’t Watch Smallville

1: Why is Lex Luthor played by a young, bald person? Everybody knows that Lex Luthor is Gene Hackman in disguise. I cannot comprehend why anyone would want to watch a programme which pretends that Gene Hackman does not exist. In the X-Men films they got Captain Picard and Gandalf and made them look younger with technology; why couldn’t they have done that with Gene? Then, perhaps maybe the show would be worthwhile.

2: Nobody likes Superman. He’s a perfect hero with only one weakness, which happens to be a magical kind of rock. Apart from that, he always wins and he always gets his way. I want to see a program about an interesting, flawed, and complex comic-book character, which is why I religiously watch Dennis The Menace. (Gnasher is my favourite)

3: I’ve never heard of this ‘Smallville’ place before. Superman lives in Metropolis, doesn’t he?

4: Clark Kent doesn’t wear glasses on the show when he's not Superman. He does in the movies and comics, and the only reason I can think for why he doesn’t wear them on this show is that the show’s producers are prejudiced against the short-sighted. Hopefully Clark will have a horrible accident involving his eyes sometime soon.

5: I’m led to believe the show is about farmers. I do not care for farmers, and never will.

6: My main issue: there is no interest in “Superman; the early years”. Y’know what’d be more interesting? “Superman; the killing aliens and fighting as a superhero to save the world” years. Then we could have him flying around with his costume and Lois Lane would be around and he’d fight aliens and baddies and save the day all the time. That’s a much more interesting premise for a show that watching a teenager mope around a lot about the girl he fancies (and he’s not even going to end up with her! Way to waste our time, Smallville producers!)

7: No Batman? What’s up with that?

How To Talk To…. A Comic Book Fan (Part 1)

There are moments in life that are sent to try us. When you come back from a shopping trip to discover you’ve forgotten to buy any milk, completing a jigsaw only to find that some of the pieces are missing. But how about when you start talking to someone, only to find out that they have an obscure fascination of some kind which completely passes you by? In our occasional series here at Illicitly Eating Flowers, we’ll try to help you bluff your way through such conversations, with your sanity still intact.

Comic Books have been around for over forty years now, and what with the rise of the Superhero movie recently, they have reached a prominence never before attained by something so insufferably insular. Comics are enjoyed by millions of people, and to those people the intricacies of the different heroes and stories are fascinating to dissect and anticipate, waiting for the next issue to arrive so they can find out about the next twist in the life of Captain America, or Batman, or whoever. To the rest of the population, comics are impossible to get into due to their convoluted back-story, and the sign of a geek. But what if you get stuck in conversation with someone? Over the next three days, we’re going to try and help, starting with the basics.


The Different Comics: DC.

There are two major companies who make comics: Marvel and DC. They fight between them for the position of ‘top company’, with neither of them ever really managing to isolate themselves at the top. When you first talk to someone and they mention comics, they will mention which lines they prefer most: DC or Marvel. When they do so, you can immediately make several snap judgements on the person which will help you get through the conversation without your head exploding.

We’ll focus on Marvel tomorrow, but for today it’s best to just take DC comics. These are the people who run Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman as their top three titles. A fan of DC comics generally prefers their heroes to be mythologized. DC have a policy where the name and legend of the hero should always bigger than the hero himself. This basically means that when one hero dies, someone else takes up their name and title and continues their work, so the name continues. Obviously, this makes the back-waters of DC comics a thoroughly confusing place, what with all the different people going round using the same name. Here’s a primer on the characters you could expect to be told about, and their relevance.

Superman – One of the original super-heroes. Superman is an alien from a planet far far away who is invulnerable, invincible, and generally brilliant. He’s the most prominent DC character, and one of the most famous Superheroes of all time. His main enemy is called Lex Luthor, and his only weakness is the crystal “kryptonite”, which comes from his home-world, which was destroyed. When not saving the world, he works as a reporter, disguising himself by looking exactly the same, but wearing glasses, and calling himself Clark Kent.

Batman – Bruce Wayne is one of the most beloved heroes, as he doesn’t have any super-powers at all. Instead, he has a lot of money, which he uses to make weapons and costumes that make him strong enough to fight baddies. His main opponents include the Joker, the Penguin, Two-Face and Bane. He works alongside other heroes, traditionally someone called Robin. He’s gone through a few of them.

Wonder Woman – Diana Prince leads the Amazons, a group of women chosen by the Greek Gods (who exist in DC continuity) to help protect the world. She traditionally wields a whip as her main weapon to help save the day. She’s pretty invulnerable, and can fly. In some ways, she’s the female equivalent of Superman, and the only really famous female superhero in print.

The Flash – This is where it gets tricky. There have been four different heroes called The Flash, who all have the same ability: super-speed. The four different flashes keep getting killed and returned to life as is the DC publishers’ wont: at present the main Flash is Wally West, although the previously thought dead Barry Allen has recently returned in DC’s big event of 2008, Final Crisis. There’s also another Flash wandering around somewhere called Jay Garrick. It’s… confusing.

The Green Lantern – There have been FIVE Green Lanterns, four of whom are currently roaming the DC Universe even as we speak. The Green Lantern has a magic ring which is the source of his power. Together, all the green lanterns work as a team from time to time, and recently other ‘colour’ teams, such as the yellow lanterns, have been introduced. Again, it’s really confusing.

These are the five main characters of the DC Universe, although there are countless other members and teams. Continuity is impossible to define, because there are at any one time any number of comics with Superman or Batman in, where they are in different teams or working on their own. Anyone who says they like DC comics is going to start delving into the realm of confusing storylines, so the best thing to do is steer them away from this and focus instead on individual writers. These three, in fact:

Grant Morrison – Grant Morrison is widely considered one of the most brilliant and creative writers currently working in the industry, and saying that you like his work is akin to saying you think Hitchcock is the best director ever – it’s an easy thing to say, and will get you instant credit. His main work with DC at the moment is with Batman, who he’s been threatening to kill off this year, and with the big event “Final Crisis”, which will impact upon most of the other books DC currently have running.

Geoff Johns – Johns works alongside Morrison quite often, but is also very prolific in his own right, writing all kinds of books, including The Green Lantern, the Flash, and some Superman stories. His work at the moment is leading up to “Final Crisis”, and he’s tapped to write the big event story of 2009, called “The Blackest Night”, which will centre around the Green Lanterns.

Brian K. Vaughan – the second most guaranteed name in comics, after Morrison. He’s generally kept away from the mainstream DC Universe, instead writing his own titles “Y: The Last Man”, “Ex Machina”, and “Pride of Baghdad”, all of which have been massively acclaimed as some of the greatest writing of all time. Y: The Last Man, which has a story about what happens when all the men on Earth are killed except for one guy and his pet monkey, is in particular a guarantee. Mention your appreciation of this comic, and you’ll have already set your credibility.

So there you have a basic guide to what you need to know when talking to someone about DC Comics. Tomorrow: a primer on the Marvel Universe, and what, who, and where you need to know if someone starts talking to you about it. And just remember: if someone asks you questions about what you know and like regarding comics… walk away. You don’t want to get involved in any of that.