Saturday, 29 December 2007

The 10 Most Likely Career Suicides of 2008: Numbers 10-6

When Jade Goody disconnected her already highly inconsiderable mind from her mouth on Celebrity Big Brother in 2007, few could have expected that it would do what countless hatchet jobs in the media and the fact she had no discernable qualities as a human could; it killed off her career as a reality TV show contestant. What’s more interesting is that this year several actual talented people lost all their privileges as a celebrity after making massive missteps in the eyes of the public – and, crucially, the papers. If the 2000’s have been all about celebrities who are worth jack-all in real terms, then this year has been all about wiping out the weaker celebrities in favour of the bigger, faster, stronger ones. We’re witnessing survival of the fittest amongst out celebrities, and it’s fascinating.
So now that several celebrities are now gone forever, in whatever sense – Lisa Scott-Lee, Bernard Manning, Chris Langham (and that dude was awesome, y’all), and we’re at that festive, happy, giving time of year when people are curled together and feeling generous and joyous, spreading goodwill to all mankind… what better time to guess which celebrities won’t be with us by this time next year? Here, rolled up into one of those comprehensive top-ten rundowns people seem to love, are the ten celebrities I most expect to get been completely wiped off the face of the earth by December 2008.

10: Britney Spears

Britney is on the list not because of a personal vendetta I have against the girl, but out of blind hope. I really hope that Britney Spears stops being a celebrity next year, and the possibility is not altogether unlikely. At the moment, she’s a basket-case of Syd Barrett dimensions (I speak mentally, if not physically), hounded everywhere she goes by the press. Now considering the number of paparazzi who have been physically injured by Brit this year due to their relentless stalking, it’s not a far leap to consider the possibility that next year one of them will go too far, and actually die for his ‘art’. That sounds far-fetched, but think about it; this girl cannot drive well at the best of times. She’s about as sober as a limo driver (yes, that was a Diana joke, people. GET OVER HER), and she’s followed at all times by around ten-to-twenty people, all of whom are flashing her with cameras. Could you keep control of a vehicle in those circumstances? This year George Clooney was almost killed by the paparazzi whilst on a motorbike, and it’s entirely likely that in 2008 one of them will be on the receiving end of some wheels. Sadly, I think Britney is the one most likely to do this. I hope that this doesn’t happen, naturally, but perhaps it’d provide the incentive for her family to finally Get Her Out Of The Public Eye. For god’s sake, someone needs to protect that girl. As an added bonus to us all, there’d be one less rubbish album out per year.

09: This year’s Big Brother contestants

I’ve lumped them all together, because I only know the names of two of them: Chanelle and Ziggy. Those two aside, there is nobody from this year’s wholly boring extravaganza that merits any remembrance. They’ve kept a bit of press, but now they’ve split up their story is going to wind down very quickly. Ziggy already seems to have vanished somewhat, which shows a common sense I can respect. Chanelle has proved to be much trickier to get rid of, which stands to reason: she’s a Wakefield lass. But her problem here is that she is no longer the most famous person from Wakefield – Ryan Jarman is quickly making tracks. He’s the lead singer of indie band The Cribs, and has started dating Kate Nash – plus, he’s funny and entertaining. Chanelle can offer neither a flighty musical partner, nor talent, and will thus fade into obscurity in 2008. Ah well, there’s always the Wakefield Christmas Lights Switch-On next year, Chaz!

08: Mika

I just really dislike his music. And unless he releases any new music in 2008, I can’t see how he’ll still be popular by this time next year.

07: Amy Winehouse

Who am I kidding? Amy isn’t leaving our papers. However, she currently stands over a very rocky precipice. This is the cliff, of course, of ‘creative talent’, that I refer to. As she stands by the edge, the wind of ‘media circus’ blows at her, as winds tend to, and if she continues to get in the press these wildly metaphorical gusts are going to blow her over. I am here referring, in the likely event you didn’t understand any of that incredibly forced image, to the fact that Amy Winehouse is still more famous for her voice than for her personal life. But more and more she is becoming a media star instead of a valuable asset to the British music scene, and she risks falling into the same trap Pete Doherty did, whereby her music loses all hope and becomes a waste of everyone’s time. She’s currently only one ill-judged comment about Israel (well, she is a nice Jewish girl after all) away from becoming no longer a star, and instead a pin-up for The Sun.

06: Jim Carrey

His star is fading, isn’t it? After years of being Hollywood’s biggest clown, ol’ Canadian rubberjaw is out of favour with the masses. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell, amongst others, are some of the many stars who have taken over comedy in cinema. Seriously, can you name Carrey’s most recent films? He was in that one where he played a madcap bank-robber, and then there was the one where he was a madcap evil uncle… oh wait, that film is two years old! There aren’t many gigs lined in for Jim Carrey, especially now that his latest project has been cancelled. Considering the fact that the WGA strike means there will be very few new films made in 2009, and this means it’s going to be a long time for us without a new Jim Carrey film. Will we need him anymore, now Judd Apatow rules us all?? Carrey has one left in the bank… but it’s a computer animation jobbie. Looking at the trailer for this new Dr Seuss-inspired yarn too, and you’ll notice someone else gets equal billing with him – Steve Carell. Oh-oh! Add to this the knowledge that he’s stopped lasciviously going around the blonde girls of America one at a time (well, hopefully one at a time). He’s found one he likes, and he’s settled down. So at the very same time his work has dried up, he’s also stopped being of any interest to the press. Things look grim for everyone’s favourite madcap actor!

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