Wednesday, 2 January 2008

The 10 Most Likely Career Suicides of 2008: Numbers 5-1

05: Heather Mills

At least not in Britain, anyway. This woman is famous for her ex-husband, and for being the single most obvious gold-digger since the Silver Age. Was there anyone in the World (who wasn’t an ex-Beatle) that didn’t see straight through her plan? She’ll string out the divorce for as long as she can, sure, but she’s too smart to stick herself in a reality TV show like Big Brother, and she has no discernable talents to hand apart from one-legged dancing – feverish hopping, surely? – and being an ex-model. The most she can hope for in 2008 is a job as a panel judge for a model show, but Tyra Banks has that genre all stitched up, which leaves Heather in a position where she has money but nobody to show it off to. Her only hope for keeping in the public eye next year is if she finds a new 60’s rocker to marry, and most of the ones left go for much younger girls than her.

04: Johnny Borrell

Yes, that bloke from Razorlight. It’s long been established that he is a door-opener-horse-racer (you think you’re so clever, see if you can work that one out) and that barely anyone - especially not his own band - like him. It’s only a very short matter of time now before they split up and leave him on his tod. As seen with the bloke from the Darkness (he died out in 2007 too, did you notice?), people who are overconfident don’t make for good solo acts unless they’re from Stoke, and I really can’t see people appreciating the musings of an egocentric idiot. Then again, you’re all reading this article, so perhaps you like that kinda thing.

03: Orlando Bloom

Viggo Mortensen has established a career as an accomplished actor, whilst Sean Bean continues to make those awesome 02 adverts and Elijah Wood is still knocking around somewhere. Cate Blanchett is widely considered one of the better actresses around and will be in the new Indiana Jones movie. What does Orlando have planned? A line from the immortal Bruce Campbell springs to mind – he “ain’t got Jack and Shit – and Jack just left town!” Next year is going to test the eyebrow-heavy 12 year old that is “Orlando Bloom”. Can an actor still make it in Hollywood if the only thing he can offer are his looks? He proved in Kingdom of Heaven that he’s not cut out to be a lead actor. He showed in Elizabethtown that he can’t handle comedy. Pirates of The Caribbean was a mind-numbing chance to see how bland he could be as a romantic foil to Keira Knightley (Keira Knightley! C’mon, even women fancy her!) This guy is no good in cinemas, and audiences know this – his last films, Pirates aside, have all flopped. So now that the trilogy has sailed off, where can he go next? I hear Emmerdale are always looking for new actors…

02: The Staff of NME

Taking on Morrissey is just an insanely stupid idea. C’mon! Dude is SMART. He’s going to take you apart! Editor Conor McNicolas and the rest of the NME staff should expect to pay out money equivalent to the debt of several African nations to the Romantic Mancunian sometime during the year once the matter goes to court, and this comes at a time when they have barely any circulation or fans left. By concentrating on bland guitar acts, who are so interchangeable they make joining the Sugababes seem like a viable career choice, NME have isolated everyone who has musical taste so that Q, Mojo, all those other magazines have all increased their readership. For many, NME was the essential music magazine – by this time next year it’ll be brown bread. Nice one, Conor.

01: The Pope

I really hope The Pope shuts his mouth in 2008. From what I can make out he’s a nasty character, and the intolerance he has for other cultures (although partly his job) is staggering. He’s a nasty, racist dude and I don’t like him. Whenever he’s in the papers Catholics everywhere groan and roll their eyes. “What’s he done NOW?” they ask. Now, you were probably expecting Pete Doherty to win this list, on account of the fact he’s quite likely to die next year, but I disagree. I think The Pope is far more likely to die, and I couple this to the fact he’s got a boring love-life (dude needs to get Laid, maybe then he’d be nicer) and little discernable talent. This is a guy who was around during the time of the “Da Vinci Code”, a book which all-but-accepts the existence of Jesus, and he did nothing to latch onto the publicity. That’s pretty useless Poping, in my book. Unless I get excommunicated and a hit is put out on me, I plan to outlive the current Pope, and I really hope the new one is better. And black! I’d like to see a black Pope. When will we get a black Pope, eh? It’s about time, isn’t it? Hands up now; you never expected this article to end with a plea for the Catholic Church to be more racially-integrated, did you?

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