Monday, 22 September 2008

Five Names For A Mohawk That Are Better Than ‘Mohawk’

Of all haircuts, in all the world, there are none more breathtaking in their realisation of the human condition than the Mohawk. But that name, though! It’s awful. Only an old, old black man from Tennessee should ever be allowed to use that word, and only in response to the question “would you like some more roast hawk to eat, sir?” Yes, that was casually racist, but it was casual racism with a purpose: we need to get rid of the word Mohawk. We need a new word to replace it. Here are three possible candidates which are all far better than ‘mohawk’.

1: The Hope Bridge

This is a more religious approach to hair. A Hope Bridge would seem to imply that through a pilgrimage the average bystander would be able to become a stronger, more understanding person. Anyone who traverses the Hope Bridge would automatically see an upturn in their capacity for change and freedom. Little problems fade away, and big problems overturn themselves. All through one haircut.

2: The Finland

It is common knowledge that this style of haircut is most common in Finland, former suicide-capital of the world until so many people killed themselves the percentage of suicides went down by default. It's also the current home of crap Euro-death-rock band HIM, one of whom we assume has a haircut very similar to this mode. Children in Finland are, upon birth, slapped on the cheek, taken to a special incubator to make sure they can breathe okay, and then given their first haircut. Renaming it to ‘The Finland’ would be a fitting way of showing gratitude to the nation for their pioneering approach to hairstyling and cavalier/dangerous child-rearing methodology.

3: The Stegosaurus

The haircut makes your head look a little bit like a stegosaurus, you see. However, this name would also ask of the wearer that they braid the back of their hair into a pair of testicle-esque clubs which hang on the back of the neck, so as to capture the shape of a dinosaur tail.

4: The T-Grab

Named for Mr T, the most famous proponent of this style. The main aim of this name will be to help establish the number of foos currently in the vicinity.

5: The Tom Chaplin

What Keane are practically begging for are a series of more radical haircuts. With a new album on the way, would it be too much to ask that they spike up and break out the purple dye? If they do so, we would be more than willing to rename the styles after them in tribute.


  1. Thats "Five" names, not "three".
    And u mispelled "fools".
    I do this because i care, steve. no other reason.
    I'd go for the "stegasaurus".

  2. I can understand the worry about my ability to count, because I'm also quite worried that I got that wrong, but the fact that you do not know what a 'foo' is distresses me.

    You need this, Ashley!

  3. I think your knowledge of HIM is actually quite hazy. Yes, they are fond of death but also love and - after taking a leaf out of the Beatles book - they do realise that love is all you need. Hence classics such as 'When Love And Death Embrace'...oh wait, bad example. 'Join Me' can't be as it was written about Romeo & Juliet, the greatest fictional tragedy of all time if you ask one of my former English teachers. Uh, 'The Sacrament' is pretty jolly...all in all, a band that has no affliliation with the suicide rates in Finland...never ever.

  4. I think im safe in saying that Mr T cannot sing for his life.
    Thank you. Thank you so much for that link!

  5. Only a foo would choose anything other than the T-Grab.