Monday, 7 February 2011

Rage Against Coat Hangers

They make life a living hell for at least 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001% of the World's population (What? I've estimated the percentage of the World who is me. Haven't we all done that at some point?) with their spindly wires and looped bits. I don't like to overexaggerate, yet it seems clear that coat hangers are holding back humanity and keeping us from living in a utopia of freedom, peace, and endless new episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (of season 3/4 quality). They are terrible creations, one of the worst inventions that mankind has ever come up with. Let's quickly look over the basic concept of what a coat hanger is:

a. A way to store shirts so that they do not crease.

Except that isn't true, is it? Because the hangers hold the shirt up by the arms, meaning that the lower half of the sleeves fold inwardly on themselves, thus creasing the shirt.

b. A simple device to enable quick, easy storage

Also not true. When was the last time you took a shirt off a coat hanger without the hanger gripping on like Kate Winslet to a drowning Leonardo DiCaprio? Insistent that nobody stops them from performing their duty, hangers rarely allow you to simply remove a shirt. No, instead their long arms start to bend so that they stick to the shirt. The only way to get them free is to take the coat hanger and forcibly remove one arm at a time.

c. Futuristic and cool

Not many people think coat hangers are cool, ACTUALLY. We all know that they were invented so people could collect them like Pokemon Cards or POGS or celebrity twitter feeds, and show them off whenever a guest comes round, but frankly I don't think anyone does that.

What annoys me is that the original coat hanger design, which is terrible, has been followed by by a half-dozen even worse creations. Have you ever seen a coat hanger which has extra hooks running along the top wires? At least two shirts I owned have been ripped by those hooks, those little gremlin hands which destroy anything they get in contact with. Two whole shirts! You know how much those cost, in this day and age? Then there are the coat hangers which have a 'bottom rung' in case you want to hang your trousers from them. These are invariably weak, and sag noticably and alarmingly whenever tasked with this job. They're a timebomb waiting to happen, and yet we, the public, don't seem to care about the risk of the plastic snapping and flying into our neck. Why?

Because the coat hanger industry is incredibly powerful, that's why. The gun lobby in America is infamously for its bewildering power over Government. In Britain, the deep fat fryer industry has a crushing grasp on the people in control, especially in Scottish Parliament. Bt the coat hanger industry is so powerful that nobody knows how powerful they really are. Why else would we keep buying these things, which manage to tangle themselves up within seconds of being hung up on a rail? I have a similar grievance with iPod headphones, but that's best left for another time. Coat hangers are the enemy here.

The original function of the coat hanger was to perform abortions on the poor. How have we as a society fallen so far that we now need every single medical tool to have a secondary purpose? Clothes hangers are inappropriate and impossible to use, being unwieldy, prone to damaging clothes, and surprisingly difficult to actually hang clothes on. Why can't we just use magnets instead, like the Japanese do? Even better, what say we ban the wearing of shirts altogether and get back to our roots as members of the animal kingdom? Shame on us.

No comments:

Post a Comment