Friday, 4 February 2011

The Movie Industry Presents: Six Steps to making ‘The Smurfs’ an International Hit

You didn’t hear this from us, right? You got that recording device switched off? Right, good, lemme just finish this cigare—no wait, you Brits like to call them fags, dontcha? Alright, I got some stuff for you. It’s a list I got from the Movie Industry’s filing cabinet – it’s got the six steps they took to make sure that The Smurfs will become a big movie hit and everyone will go see it. Got all kinds of dirt in this case, y’know? So you’d better have come good with the money I asked for. You better… wait, what’s that in your violin case? That’s not a string instrument. Fact, kid, that looks like you’ve got a…. machine gun?! No… nooooo!!!

So began our investigation into how you promote a film like upcoming Summer Smash ‘The Smurfs’, which will see the blue critters return to the big screen to once more fend off the attacks of the evil Gargamel. You want to know which six criteria the production needed to meet? Well, here they are. Read this, then go see the film – it’s going to be totally smurf.

Step 1: None of the film is to be a cartoon. CGI that shit!

The original cartoon series was massively popular not just in America, but other financially viable markets such as Canada and Australia. We need to tap into these markets by turning everything into CGI and adding a third dimension to the storytelling. Then we can flog some more of those 3D glasses that utterly nobody is talking about! Kids are tired of only seeing things in two dimensions. With the Big Bang sealing off about nine dimensions to us during the beginning of time (true fact - Ed), all we have left to ramp up the action are the third and fourth dimensions. The third is easy, but the fourth will be difficult. Note: can we persuade kids to lick a cinema screen at certain times so they can ‘taste’ the different smurfs?

Step 2: Get real-life humans to interact with the fake-ass smurfs

How are people gonna know to root for Gargamel if he’s a computer character? Get an actor to dress up in monk gear and that, and put him in the world. So what if he complains that it’s nearly impossible to act as if a tonne of tiny blue creatures are running round his legs? Jason Lee managed it okay, didn’t he? Reminder – David Cross will sell out for anyone. Perhaps turn Brainy Smurf into a human and cast him as that?

Step 3: Get non-actors involved

Smurfette is iconic because weirdos want to bone her 7-inch body senseless. Let’s tap into that market by casting someone with a slutty reputation as her. Obviously this means we can’t hire an actress, unless Helen Mirren is up for it. Nah, but we’ll have to get someone else. How about that Katy Perry? She’s single, free, and available, right? We hire her, and people will flock to this film like the flock of flock that they are. Flock, I say!

Step 4: Make things more American

Original story? Too French! You want to be reminded of how they betrayed us during Iraq everytime you watch the film? We got to cut that out, and send the smurfs somewhere American. How about New York? They can go to the Statue Of Liberty – they’ll be small, it’ll be really big. Sells itself! We’re onto a winner here, boys. Let’s all take a raise. Hey – we could make New York real, and have the CGI smurfs run around in it! That makes almost so much sense that I can’t breathe!

Step 5: Appeal to the minorities

All the smurfs are black, right? I always assumed that, because they live in mud huts and are crushed by the heels of The Man. We need to appeal to people who don’t like black dudes – can we hire Michael Richards? Failing that, let’s get some token character-actors and include them in small cameos. I’m figuring we get George Lopez to play a smurf nobody’s ever heard of before, and maybe we can get someone gay to be a smurf? Alan Cumming, yeah, he’d work. Make him Vanity Smurf or something, play to those stereotypes everyone loves. What’s that? You hired him to be “gutsy” smurf? WTH does gutsy mean? I’m gonna have to get my dictionary out for that one, man.

Step 6: Make the poster suitable for kids and adults alike

Put the smurfs in there, but make it so it looks like smurfette is totally cussin’ out. Y’know, they use the word smurf instead of normal words? Well let’s have her replace f^%$ with smurf, right? Man, I’m tired from all these great ideas I’ve been having. I’m gonna have to have a lie down with some cocaine. Is your wife doing anything this evening?

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