Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Pixie Lott has a lovely bottom

The daughter of Natasha Bedingfield and a particularly bouffant bottle of hair gloss, Pixie Lott hails from England, where she was born. Those two things mean the same thing. Armed with a microphone hidden beneath her tongue which modulates her voice and makes her sound like a fetchingly slutty robot macaw, Pixie has transfixed Britain with her blend of melodramatic power ballads and increasingly angelic hair. While only sixteen years old, she was voted the most likely person in Britain to spontaneously dissolve and become the Ozone layer. She may not have achieved this as of yet, but her career is going from strength to strength as endless new territories fall beneath her tender heels. America has possibly been conquered, while Europe, Australia and the less racially insensitive parts of Africa are already crumbled. Why has she taken over with such rapidity? Could she be a mythical sea creature, calling out to sailors as they approach dangerous rocks and warning them of the perils of sailing near coral reefs whilst piloting a poorly-constructed hull? Or perhaps the truth is much more terrifying and scary. Perhaps it’s because she has a lovely bottom. LET’S INVESTIGATE!

We here at Wilftonville pride ourselves on our incredibly expensive forensic computers, which can calculate to the nearest galactic ounce how many brain cells are circulating your body at any given time. One of the functions on our computer system is google, so we typed in “Pixie Lott’s bum” into the system to see what came out. And boy, were we interested in the results! It appears that Pixie Lott not only has an excellent bottom, but also a large fanbase of elderly men who want to do awful things to said bottom. Could it be that people enjoy Pixie’s music for the thrill of imagining her tiny bedevilled booty popping to the bassline? We had to know more, so we typed extra ideas into google and clicked over to the pictures section. It occurred to us that if it weren’t for the fact that we are a notable crime-stopping force for good in the Universe, many would assume that we were merely looking up promiscuous photos online. Shaking the thought from our minds, we decided to investigate for images of Lott dressed as a duck, only to be thwarted. What could be going on, in this World where Pixie Lott is not interested in dressing up with a bill and short tail?

It's interesting to see how the population leans. Clicking through to google as only the most powerful of forensic computers allow you to, you can type in the name of any female singer you want and see what the internet thinks of her through pictoral form. Who would've thought that most fans of Avril Lavigne enjoy her because she helps the Environment? And yet, type her into google and this is all that comes out. Image after image of her stroking bears, riding dolphins, and healing wounded wolves with her bare hands. On the other hand, a lot of people seem to like these musicians simply because they look pretty. When was the last time you saw an ugly person singing a song? At an open mike night or a karaoke bar, no doubt. This is because ugly people are not allowed in the music industry. Even behind the scenes, the workers are incredibly attractive people like Louis Walsh. As a result, singers are half-musical and half-flirty tease who just wants to party. You may think that I am criticising the music industry. I am not. This is a congratulations. Well done music industry for keeping ugly people out of my line of sight, where they belong! Next time I leave the house and pass by a farmer's market, I can tune out the hideous images of rotten humanity by humming lyrics to Pixie Lott's new song and thinking about her bottom. And possibly about her dressed as a duck.

So what have we learnt today? We’ve learnt that the best way to investigate something is through contacting your local police authority and asking them repeated questions about the behinds of any young pop singer who takes your fancy. We've also learnt that I dislike farmers, and can sing the lyrics to any Pixie Lott song. The internet is a wide and open place, filled with information and exclusive downloads you wouldn’t think legal or wanted. Anything is possible here, although there does tend to be a focus on bums and binge-drinking. We’ve also realised that you people will read anything in the hope that there may be a picture of Pixie Lott’s bottom involved somewhere.


  1. Hello I enjoy your blog about bottoms.

  2. "While only sixteen years old, she was voted the most likely person in Britain to spontaneously dissolve and become the Ozone layer."

    I actually think you might be a genius after reading this one sentence. AMAZING.