Part 2: Personal Health.
A true Damsel would want to try and keep in shape, so that when grabbed by a knight on horseback and carried off into the sunset she does not weigh him down to one side and cause the poor horse to collapse. Opposition to animal cruelty is almost always seen as a plus in the eyes of a potential suitor, unless you live in the countryside. Also, nobody likes fat people. Repeat this mantra out loud: nobody likes fat people. It is imperative, then, that you keep yourself looking trim, slim, and stunnin’. Rest assured, if you all make the effort now then the men-folk will have no choice but to follow you and slim down themselves. To do this, health and fitness obviously have to play a bigger role in your life, but there are oh-so many pursuits which are available to you that it may seem like a struggle to find one which is right for you! And furthermore, if a Damsel takes on too much fitness at once, she may find herself growing muscles. This is a bad sign, because it means that you will be able to look after yourself if you are ever mugged or in a fight – when this is meant to be the job of the man. Oh dear! This would defeat the purpose of becoming a damsel in the first place.
Now girls, let’s get this out of the way now, so we don’t trip over it later: men were designed to be stronger than women. Not mentally, but physically. That’s the reason why male tennis players best of five when they get to the big tournaments, and women play best of three. Also, tradition. Also, ingrained prejudice. But really, the main reason is that men tend to have more stamina and physicality than you do. You can chalk this down to evolution or divine creation, whatever floats your boat, but the reason is so each gender can assume a different role: the knight and the damsel in distress. If you’ve ever seen Shrek, you’ll know that these roles can be reversed, but it takes quite some doing. The aim of this chapter is not to try and emulate Shrek’s success, but instead to give you solid advice about what sports you are best off attempting – and which sports will get you nowhere fast.
First though, let’s talk general fitness, and whereabouts you should be aiming for. There is nothing wrong with a curvy woman, and it’s often said that the women in magazines (not magazines like Bella, obviously, because they’re all mad and gossip-prone) are too skinny and models are stick-thin waifs who would blow away in a stiff breeze. Men agree with this! We don’t understand why women are so keen to shrink themselves down to wafer-proportions, because at the end of the day a wafer isn’t going to be able to help carry a drunk partner home from the pub. Or take part in the more creative parts of the karma sutra. It’s no secret than the male body in not exactly a temple apart from in a few isolated cases (damn you, David Beckham) and men tend to get worse looking with age. Hair falls out, fitness declines, beer-bellies develop. And it is thus that a compromise must be offered. Women! We don’t expect you to throw up after every meal just to stay thin! Just make sure that you aren’t fat. No more worrying about your figure, unless you legitimately struggle to fit in a deckchair. If you break deckchairs, you have a problem. Otherwise, just keep healthy and happy! And with that, let’s see what sports are right for you:
Swimming is a great way to exercise, as every different stroke exercises all the body at the same time, unless your preferred means of aquatic transportation is the “semi-drown”. Otherwise, swimming is a perfectly healthy activity that a damsel can take part in. However, for reasons that will be defined below, it may be best not to begin with this particular sport, if you are at the very beginning of your training. The preferred article of clothing for a damsel in the pool is a full-body outfit which reveals no cleavage. Make him work for it, ladies!
Aerobics and gymnastics exist only so that women can increase the number of ways in which they can bend. The activities are both highly strenuous, but they will pay off in the long term as they provide the body with a number of different ways to suggest availability. Most obviously, you will become supple enough to drop a pencil on the floor and pick it up with a modified version of the splits. This is the recommended fitness for all women to begin with, as it can be worked on from the comfort of their own home, and will allow you the opportunity to buy a workout DVD produced by your favourite D-List celebrities. (A culture section later on will discuss this D-List fascination further).
Tennis is the best sport there is. It combines physicality and exercise with tactics and cunning, and is recommended to everyone. The further bonus is that all men find a woman dressed in tennis whites to be appealing, and the whiteness also encourages them to believe you are a pure damsel in need of rescuing. Make sure never to outplay another man, unless you are part of a doubles team (same-sex or mixed, it makes no difference). Screaming in orgasmic delight whenever you hit the ball is actively encouraged, as it will gain you some attention.
Nothing will impress a man in quite the same way as an ability to handle a set of balls, on a table. Pool is a sport which will never make you fit and healthy (it will most likely cause you to become an alcoholic, by past experience) but it will make you the star of your local pub. Of course, a damsel would never go to a pub, which makes this sport somewhat of a paradox for womankind.
Britain always seems to win a lot of medals in the cycling competitions during the Olympics. It never hurts to dream, girls!
Men are always drawn to the art of ice-skating, but because of our lop-sided nature find that perfecting this noble skill is ruddy impossible. As a result, it is always appreciated when women know how to skate and are willing to prop up a flailing male as they go round in concentric circles for a set period of time. Any woman who can ice skate will immediately distinguish herself at an ice-rink, also, so it would be a great place to meet new chaps. However, it has recently been discovered that unruly youths have taken to this sport like a duck takes to a frozen pond, so it should be noted that most men you will meet at an ice-rink will be unsuitable knights (see later chapters for more details on this phenomenon). Ice skating remains an impressive sport, though, and also it lets you wear shoes with razors on them, which is pretty cool.
Picture the scene: your knight has staggered out of a business lunch and realises with fright that he has had a few drinks too many and can’t drive his car. What’s a boy to do? Well, if he has a girl who is proficient with a handbrake, he can call her and ask for help. And just imagine how grateful he’ll be (if he remembers)!
Sports To Avoid:
A brutal sport, rugby stands for everything which a damsel should abhor. Running, sweating, mud, contact with other people: it’s a nightmare of the grandest proportions. Add to this that rugby is meant to be played by fat people, and you have yourself a sport which no woman should ever admire or take any part in (unless you have a particular fetish for posh men in shorts).
Weight Lifting/Body Building/Boxing/Shot Put
Remember the mantra: “nobody likes fat people.”
Football is just awful. It’s awful. And besides, all the men who play football all seem to be racists and GBH-culprits in waiting, so what’s the point? It’s a stupid sport played by losers. And the fans? Wow, the fans are the most ignorant and prejudiced bunch of oiks you’ll ever see. No man who puts football first is going to turn out to be an emotionally available and loving boyfriend. No, because they’ll be going off once or twice every week to see some men in coloured shirts which somehow links them to a certain town play a match against a bunch of other men (who are quite often foreign, so what’s the point of making them part of an English team and saying they’re a part of the squad?) for a long period of time in awful conditions and what’s the point? Seriously, what’s the point? What an awful sport.
Golf is for only for drunk businessmen and the elderly.
When a woman comes of age, she is taught to play hockey by her teachers and sent into the field to serve her country. As an incentive, she is given a large stick to brandish and frighten the opposition. Sadly, most men already find women to be terrifying enough without them also being equipped with cudgels, so it’s probably best that you leave the stick at home and don’t bother with hockey. This sport does tie-in with ice skating to form ice-hockey, which is even more heinous than this. Hockey isn’t a “banned” sport; more an “advised against” one.
As with pool, darts is a game only ever played in pubs. But at least pool has the self-respect to have specialist halls for professionals to play the game at tournament level. Darts tournaments always seem to be held at the local. On top of this, the only people who will admire your feminine ways while you play darts are fat blokes with curry stains on their shirt. And let’s repeat that mantra one more time, shall we? Nobody likes fat people!
Now you’ve decided upon a set of sports to play, the next step in keeping healthy is to make sure that your diet is spectacular and svelte. To do this, we’ll have to move forwards a chapter…