Saturday, 7 June 2008

The World Is Ruined Because Of…


“Bread?” you ask me in that slightly annoying high-pitched voice you have. “What in the blue blazes could possibly be bad about bread? It’s a delicious part of any meal, whether it be in the form of toast, a sandwich, or… well actually, that’s just about the only two ways you can eat bread, but my point still stands! Bread is the best!” Yes, but it is also ruining the World. For why? Let me explain.

Point 1: I want to make clear that I am talking about a specific type of bread, here. I’m talking about bread which says it is ‘best of both’, in that it offers white bread with all the goodness of brown bread. For starters, this is wrong because there is nothing good about brown bread. It’s a punishment that fat people inflict upon themselves because they need to atone for their globbiness. Brown bread is the most disgusting thing you could possibly eat, bread that has bits of other things in it. When eating brown bread you can suddenly find yourself chewing something that, on further observation, appears to have the consistency and taste of a bit of rabbit poo. There are odd things in the bread, and on top of this the bread itself tastes awful. Brown bread is a horrific experience that no child should ever have to suffer. For bread manufacturers to actually promote the fact that their white bread tastes like brown bread should be commercial suicide.

Point 2: Best of both bread is simply not designed to be eaten. One of the most popular forms of bread, ‘toast’, relies upon the fact that you can see how well toasted the bread is by looking at the slice itself. It turns yellow, then brown, the black, and you can see this gradual change and decide for yourself whenabouts you want to stop cooking and put some jam on that lovely bastard. You can’t do this with best of both, because here’s the scoop: it looks brown. The whole point of best of both is that you can trick your friends and family with it because they are meant to think it looks white even though it is disgusting brown. But best of both is distinctly brown in colour! Thusly, when you put it in and take it out of the toaster, you cannot tell if it is toasted or not until it’s too late. This is bad.

Point 3: It tastes digesting anyway. I’ve already denounced brown bread, but best of both bread isn’t much better. It takes out the ‘bits’ but leaves in all the yucky taste that will astonish children and disgust all but the most fibre-orientated of grandparents. A lot of people will tell you than this type of bread tastes like cardboard, but don’t let them fool you – it tastes more like dry carpet.

Point 4: Surely best of both bread must suffer when it is in the supermarket, as neither the white loafs nor the brown loafs will talk to them, judging them ‘inferior’. This poor mixed-race bread must suffer dreadfully.

Point 5: Best of both bread sells itself on the fact that it is healthy and good for you, despite having the look of white bread. Excuse me, but wasn’t the process of bleaching bread white what made it bad for you in the first place? And roughly how bad can any kind of bread be for you, anyway? It still has roughly the same ingredients, but it simply streamlines out all the parts that taste awful and replaces them with bits that taste nice. What’s wrong with that?

Brown bread and ‘best of both’ bread is destroying our society. In this feature I had to change what I was saying on no less than six occasions, for fear of accidentally writing a potent metaphor about race relations. How can that be a good thing? I condemn this bread!

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