Thursday, 5 June 2008


The most famous gorilla of all time is King Kong, a gorilla who became horribly large and gigantic for unexplained reasons and went on a rampage through New York during the 40’s, before climbing up the Empire State Building, getting shot, and falling to his death. The papers hushed it up, although reports appear to confirm that Naomi Watts was devastated by these events. Although most other gorillas are not the size of Kong, the notion that they are virtually indestructible killing machines has lasted, in a rare case of public hysteria being completely justified.

What exactly should we be doing to protect ourselves from gorillas, though? Are they truly dangerous to us poor humans? Well in honesty, we’re pretty safe in our British homes, because gorillas only live in Africa. No other country in the world. Only Africa. The mere fact that they live in Africa is a blessing, because if gorillas were to have been an Australian species, they’d have tentacles and poison stingers and all that crazy stuff the animals have over there. And it’s bad enough as it is.

Gorillas are one of the four brightest animals on the planet (the other three being humans, elephants, and dolphins, respectively). As such, they know tactics for assault, and have been know to use weapons when they’re feeling threatened as a way of putting off would-be attackers. I couldn’t find out what these weapons were, but the likelihood is that they were guns of some sort. The need for weapons is small, however, when gorillas have such a deadly arsenal of attacks available to them naturally. Have you ever looked at a gorilla arm? Aside from being velvety and hairy, the only thing that makes them different from a human arm is the fact that every single gorilla arm has giant muscles on it. Humans can have muscles, large and abnormal ones which are off-putting and gross, but the majority do not have such things. All gorillas have large muscles. It is with them that they are able to climb trees. Although unable to swing on all but the heaviest of trees, gorillas have a tendency to climb quite often, picking up fruit to eat as they go, and this constant movement means that their arms are incredibly strong. Impressively so. A gorilla could easily rip off your own arm and beat you to death with the soggy end, if it so wished. All we have in comparison are our overworked index fingers from all the typing we do on computers and the like. Unless you find a gorilla who dies after being administered with a vicious poke, you won’t be able to fight one in direct contact.

That’s assuming the gorilla fights in a controlled manner, waiting and trading blows with you. In reality, a gorilla can go feral when it attacks, thus making it completely unpredictable. It will leap at you and use it’s teeth and hands as it attacks, which can pummel you or scratch at you; whatever they do with their hands it is unlikely to be pleasant. These aren’t ferocious hookers we’re talking about here (who, when attacked, have a 14% chance of trying to make passionate love to their attacker. It’s science), gorillas are out for your blood! Not that hookers wouldn’t be out for your blood, but… let’s move on. This is a contentious subject, and not enough research has been made into the reactions of a hooker in different circumstances, and this isn’t “bear vs hooker”, it’s “bear vs gorilla”. Sometimes though, it can be hard to tell the difference.

If you are attacked by a gorilla, drop your gun. Gorillas know what a weapon is and what it is used for, so if you drop your gun they will know you don’t want to hurt them, or are a coward. Of course, a Real Man would shoot the gorilla, but that would actually be mostly illegal, as they are an endangered species. Most gorillas will back down if they can tell you are a wimp, so feel free to crouch down onto your hands and knees and start begging – even better, get into a foetal position. Only a real bastard would attack someone in a foetal position. Someone like Biff from ‘Back to the Future’, for example. One of the best ways to keep yourself from being attacked by a gorilla is to stay on the other side of the cage when you meet them at the zoo. They look furry, and the cuddly toys are adorable, but if you get into a gorilla cage you are asking for it, really.

So gorillas are obviously quite a threat. They are smart as well as violent, and they could rip your from limb to limb in a heartbeat. Their weak spot is their smartness. You can play on the fact they have emotions to blackmail them, if you are smart enough, Try holding their mate at gunpoint whilst issuing short, simple directions, to see how they respond. Nobody’s ever tried that before, but it could be the best idea ever.

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