Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Gorillas Vs Bears

It’s all been boiling down to this. You knew it had to happen eventually, and if you did not know that it had to happen eventually then wake up you hippie! Get out from under your tribal wigwam and start paying attention to society! Also: how did you get your hands on a computer with a working internet connection? You hypocrite. Bears have been for a long time considered one of the strongest animals on land, carnivores who can not only swim but climb trees, so they can attack from below or attack from above whenever they wish. They are physically well build, and one swat from one of their massive paws would knock any human right the hell out. But then gorillas also are known for much the same thing. They have the advantage of opposable thumbs which means they could choke the life out of you after attacking from the trees or from the water, and are similarly tough creatures who can be carnivorous when they want to.

Both animals feature quite highly on a list of “animals you wouldn’t want to find living in your bed when you come home from a long day of work”, and dependant on who you talk to, people will cite either one or the other as the most dominant animal on Earth aside from humans. We can’t rest here, though: we need to go further. We need to know which animal IS our biggest natural threat. For the sake of security. If bears are the biggest threat to humans on the planet then anti-bear locks need to be created, as well as guns which exclusively work on bears. Likewise if the gorillas ever turn on us because they are the biggest threat to us, we need to make sure that Planet of the Apes doesn’t come true. Or the sequels. Or the remake. We need to set gorillas and bears against each other, weakening each species and killing off one of them, leaving the other to the mercy of our hunters. This is a massive issue we have in the World right now.

So we’ll be looking at both bears and gorillas separately, seeing what makes them tick and how they operate, before comparing them to each other and establishing once and for all if you’d be better off with gorilla or bear insurance for your children. We will find out which animal is superior, and we will do this through the medium of hypothetical nonsense. Place your bets now, ladies and gents, because before the week is out we’re going to find out what the most dangerous animal in the World is. Look away now, PETA. You aren’t gonna like this.

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