Tuesday, 1 March 2011

How Does The Offside Rule Work?

Ladies and gentlewomen, I come from the internet but also from a place called Wakefield, which is in Yorkshire, which is in England, which is in the British Isles, which is in America. It is a rough mining town, where children are forced to go up chimneys from an early age. Not because we wish for them to become sweeps, you understand, but because children should be heard screaming loudly for rescue and not seen. The only respite anyone gets from the daily bouts of crying and scratching out bits of coal which have embedded themselves in our skin is the thrill of football.

No no, not American football! Because that isn't a real sport. We're talking about actual football, soccer, english rules, which is only marginally more of a real sport than American football and ranks somewhere below skateboarding and intermediate darts in terms of high-brow cultural gatherings. The sport sees twenty-two people of undetermined intelligence kick a round spherical ball at each other until it eventually lands inside an area called "the goal". Every time it lands in the goal of the opposing team, you win one point. As this is quite a difficult thing to do when there are eleven people opposing you, the makers of the game decided to be generous and give people 90 minutes in which to attempt the kicking of the ball into the goal. And that's basically what football is.

The one thing that makes football stand out from the sporting crowd is The Offside Rule. This is a rule which has gone down in infamy for centuries as impossible to understand for anyone without a Y chromosome, and also for people who have one of said chromos. It is a complex and complicated rule, which varies and changes in accordance to the smallest of universal alterations. If someone in the crowd eats a hot dog, the rule works one way. If that same person chose to eat a pie instead, then a completely different application for the rule comes into place. The slightest change in the colossal picture of mankind has a dramatic effect upon The Offside Rule. BUT! Fear ye nay, as I am not only speaking in the style of an 1840's peasant but I am also about to explain The Offside Rule for you. It will improve your life!

If there are twelve people on your team you are not playing football correctly eliminate one person from your team The Offside Rule equals the movement of players across the field of play in accordance to the positioning of the ulterior tactics of the opposing teams who must remain in position unless told to cross themselves by their manager when the linesman sees players moving in the incorrect fashion he is allowed to lift his flag and claim for foul play, at which point a free kick is offered freely to a willing player from the other team if the goalkeeper is at the halfway line this will greatly diminish his ability to stop goals from being scored when the ball is kicked across field towards the goal there must be a player stood looking at te ball while facing forwards at the opponent's goal and if he is not there but a striker for the first team is there then a free kick is offered as punishment for this is not how football should be played however if none of your team are stood in your half of the pitch then anything goes and chaos will reign if there are three people stood between the person using the ball and the goalkeeper then everything is fine unless two of the defending players have previously moved to be ahead of this person but standing behind him, at which point the referee must make sure that a free kick is offered because this is a violation of The Offside Rule.

Do you morons get it yet??

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