Friday, 7 November 2008

Discussing Katy Perry

There’s an argument within the media that if something exists, then it must be offensive to someone. It’s an argument which suggests that when Alec Baldwin shouts at his daughter down a phone, it means he’s actually a closet sexist who hates all women and wishes to eradicate the female race using only a seasoned pimp hand. Obviously that’s not true (the only woman Baldwin hates is Kim Basinger, after all), and the same argument has sprung up to surround poor Katy Perry. Her first two songs both took a loose grasp of homosexual culture and used it as a platform to make her famous. “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed A Girl”, the two songs in question, both feature homosexuality as a topic. In one of the songs she seemingly makes fun of the gays, and in the other she seemingly announces herself as a potential member of their ranks. Because of this, she’s been singled out for abuse by just about everyone.

While some people have pointed out that what Perry is doing is gay-baiting, many more have preferred to take the bait and run off into a little world of criticism, where Perry is a proponent of “schoolyard homophobia” (Glitterati Gossip) and "tired gay stereotypes" (The New Gay). Now obviously Katy should’ve expected a cascade of overly flamboyant criticism – these are the gays we’re talking about, after all – but she’s taken it all in her stride, seemingly. She doesn’t seem to care less, and everywhere you look the girl is running around, falling into cakes, and doing that naughty Myspace pout more times than anyone ever thought feasible.

Why would we choose to defend her? It’s pretty obvious that her songs are somewhat cruel in their use of sexuality to sell records. “I Kissed A Girl” seems to show off positive ideals, until you realise that she’s only kissing girls in order to get attention from her boyfriend. After one listen, we knew this was the case, and we dismissed the song. That was, until we saw the video. More specifically, it was until we saw Perry for the first time. Once we finally saw what the girl looked like, it became very clear that everything Perry was doing was completely legitimate. There is a rule, you see, within the music industry. That rule is very clear.

Fabulousness > Personality Flaws

It’s as simple as that. As long as the performer is absolutely fabulous, she is given a free pass in terms of racism, sexism, homophobia, any kind of prejudice. There are only a few women who are so utterly fabulous that they are legally exempt from being called on their prejudices. Kylie Minogue, obviously, is the very pinnacle of chic, and that’s why she can get away with all those murders she does. This is also why nobody likes Madonna.

You craggy prejudiced bitch.

And Katy Perry IS fabulous. Her album may consist of four good songs and a lot of Pink-esque chaff, and her career may well be predictably short, but as of this moment in time Katy Perry is out there somewhere, even as we speak, and she will be dressed in something spectacular. It’s not a question of being attracted to her. It’s a question of respecting her, and her incredible breasts.

I mean seriously, have you seen them? They’re an astonishing sight to behold. Given the Katy Perry is either twelve years old or thirty years old, the sheer amount of effort the girl has put into making sure her cleavage pops at all times is astounding and deserves applause. Because of the sexual nature of some of her songs (oh, uh, I mean all of them) her record company have cleverly decided that she should probably follow up by flashing the cleavage at anyone who comes within a worldwide distance of her. In her new video for the insanely marvellous ‘Hot N Cold’, Perry has forced herself into the tightest wedding dress imaginable, a dress so tight it could make a vicar renounce himself on the spot. Do you know why? Because the song makes fun of women. “You PMS like a bitch” she spits at her boyfriend, and in doing so she is insulting a good majority of women worldwide (like the gays, women tend to complain about everything. They’re small-minded like that).

The dress is to make up for that. Katy Perry is all trussed up inside that tight wedding dress, looking fabulous, and she can insult women without a care in the world. It is because of Perry’s knowledge of the Fabulousness > Personality Flaws rule that we here at Wilftonville are so eagerly looking forward to the video for her next single after ‘Hot N Cold’, which is called ‘My Love For You Is Like A Black Cripple’.

Shut up! Katy Perry is fabulousness personified.


  1. Only a gay would use the word "fabulousness"...

  2. I can never make up my mind whether I like Katy Perry or not. Sometimes I like her, sometimes I don't but the only thing I really think she can be criticised of is trying too hard to be Lily Allen.

    Mind you, that picture of her seems to indicate she has a much nicer bottom than Lily.

    And as for Alec Baldwin, I read in a crappy mag the other day that he's courting Jennifer Aniston. Now that's just upsetting...!