Monday, 10 November 2008

Ten People You Must Never Play Hide And Seek With

1: Bono.
He started trying to find what he was looking for way back in 1987, and still hasn’t found it. He would be rubbish at Hide and Seek.

2: Barrack Obama.
It has been heavily suggested for the past few months that he is some sort of Messiah figure sent down to save us all from evil. However, further evidence would seem to suggest that Barrack Obama is actually Superman, and as such he would have the power to fly, thus saving him from the effort of having to physically search for you. Failing this, he would also have X-Ray vision, so trying to hide from him would prove futile.

3: Rupert Murdoch.
Why would you want to find him? If he goes into hiding, surely it will be to the benefit of our society.

4: Elvis.
Because he is dead, and will thusly be a poor player of the game.

5: Harry Houdini.
Do you have a friend who, when you play Hide and Seek, goes somewhere that nobody else can, so they are always last to be found? Say for example, they climb a really high tree, or know a secret gap in a fence they can crawl through so nobody else has any chance at all in following them, and finding them? Imagine if you will that you are chasing after someone who can survive being buried alive. You’ve got no chance.

6: Osama Bin Laden.
Guy’s a pro.

7: Hayden Christianson.
If you play the game indoors, you’ll be fine. However, if you go anywhere where there are trees present, then your game will be ruined by the way he wins all the time. There is, however, a trick to working out where he is, which is exclusive for all readers of Wilftonville: he will be the most wooden of all the trees you see.

8: Estelle.
No matter how well she tries to hide, you’ll be able to find her within seconds each time you play. This is because everywhere Estelle goes, she is followed by John Legend and Kanye West, whose inability to shut up for more than a minute at a time will prove devastating in a game of hide and seek.

9: Derren Brown.
He strikes me as a cheat. The moment you aren’t looking, he’ll fill the room with suggestive cards and phrases, and you’ll start crying because you think a monster is climbing all over your back. Or you’ll forget where you live. Most likely, he’ll make you believe that you are wildly in love with Derren Brown, which is not the way you would want a game of Hide and Seek to end.

10: Salvador Dali.
Never challenge a surrealist.


  1. This made me smile, a lot.

    Although I didn't get the Hayden Christianson one, but Osama one made up for everything, and the Bono one... actually the whole thing was pretty marvelous.

    Keep up the good work =)

  2. yup - seconded!

  3. I think Dali is equally as dead as Elvis, if not more.

  4. You so stole that one about Bono from Alistair McGowan's Big Impression!