There are a lot of great baddies in the world of computer games – Albert Wesker, Bowser, Gruntilda, Dr Robotnik. Ganondorf is better than all of them, because his only reason to be around is so he can be a complete dick. Ganondorf is clearly having a ball during the course of OOT, flouncing around with his big cloak and chasing WOMEN around with a glee not seen since Richard Harris died. As Link reaches his tower and dismantles all the power he has, before running up a long corridor to reach Ganondorf, what is the ginger-haired badass doing? He’s practising on his organ, of course! He turns round to face Link, and then seals away Zelda in a prison and prevents Navi from getting involved. Quite simply, Ganondorf is the balls. Most baddies go through the motions – Ganondorf is having the time of his life. He mocks, he cackles, he makes snarky comments. And then at the end as he circles the dimension he is forever to be imprisoned, he makes death threats against Link’s descendants. Classy!
Also, he looks like Jasper Carrot.
Saria is the heartbreaking character in the game. She is Links’ best friend when he’s a child, and they live in the woods together amongst all the other fairy-children (stop laughing). However, once Link is given his quest he has to leave the forest forever, saying goodbye to Saria as he does so in a moment which will forever remind us of that scene in Return of The Jedi, between Luke and Leia. They’re on a bridge, and Saria gives Link her ocarina, which he then goes off and uses until the next floozy to come along with an ocarina (Zelda) gives him a better one, and he starts using that instead. Talk about being fickle! Link then grows seven years older, only to find Saria and realise that she hasn’t grown at all, being a fairy-child (Stop. Laughing.) and all. She has to accept the fact that she’ll never end up with Link, thus forming the first of approximately five unfulfilled love interests that Link will get during the course of the game. That dude must be feeling frisky as hell by now.
Three: The Great Fairies
The Great Faires are excellent entertainment, because they are easily the most fabulous divas the gaming world has ever seen. Throw away Lara Croft and Joanna Dark, because these long-legged nymphets have more style than both of those contenders combined. There are five or six of them in the game, all vastly freakish and yet coquettish when they see Link, and they give him varying powers as he goes off on his quest. They always appear out of a fountain, jumping up with a manic giggle before floating in the air in front of him and subjecting him to withering scrutiny before eventually giving him powers. The great fairies are absolutely awesome, and you know it.
Two: Adult Zelda
Yes, unfair. She’s got her name above the titles and all, but we still really like Zelda. You don’t see her in her adult form until right before the end of the game, and until then we have to make do with her child form, which looks like a disturbed block of pink cheese tucked into a gown. It’s not good. Thankfully, when we do finally get to meet the ‘real’ Zelda, she then becomes ace and helps you in the final fight. When you get into the ring for this final match, our favourite touch from the entire game is implemented: whenever you get hit by Ganon and go down, she shrieks for your safety. It’s rather touching, all things considered, and the way Nintendo animate the final cut-scene between the two is astounding, Zelda getting one last peek at the guy she (presumably) loves, before he’s taken away forever. It almost makes you forget that she doesn’t really exist and is a fictional construct created by the Japanese. Almost.
It’s true: our favourite character in the game just so happens to be the horse. Sure, Epona doesn’t say anything, and she’s not exactly pivotal in the grand scheme of things…. But dammit, that horse has got soul. From the way she runs away from you at the start to the way she faithfully appears when you call her on your ocarina, you can’t go wrong with Epona. She’s responsible for at least two of the best moments in the game, one of which is when you free her from the ranch she’s being held in, and escape by jumping over the back wall. That is a scene where you truly feel the freedom that OOT has to offer, and also? You can fire arrows while on her back. Brilliant.